Motherlove

Amid the zillions of column inches about what gadgets and bouquets to buy Mom, the endless recipes to cook for her and the long list of books you might buy her on every conceivable facet of motherhood, this Modern Love column from the New York Times is in a class of its own.

Treat yourself on Mothers Day and read it.

Have a good one.

Mama, pass the remote

Granted, the middle of the Stanley Cup playoffs is not the ideal time for me to dispute the merits of television.

Let's just say that the regular thundering of Don Cherry from the family room and never getting a crack at the remote - even for a glimpse of Dancing with the Stars - can make a person a mite testy.

Apparently though, my teenage sons are in good company when it comes to over-the-top TV consumption. This week, two studies revealed they're starting young these days. According to the May issue of the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, 40 per cent of babies age three months old watch TV. Can't you just picture legions of the barely-born, strapped into bouncy chairs and pointed at the telly?

Not only that, another study published in the U.S. journal Pediatrics found that 20 per cent of children younger than age three have televisions in their bedrooms. No doubt this is good news for BabyFirstTV, the U.S. satellite channel aimed at infants and slated to be available in Canada this summer.

Experts like the American Academy of Pediatrics discourage television for kids under two, citing the importance of face-to-face interaction and evidence that it increases the risk of attention problems. But they are up against a formidable opponent - companies peddling DVDs with names like Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby, which equate screen time with baby smarts. In other words, they give mom and dad the perfect excuse to use TV as babysitter.

As a parent, I have, on more than one occasion, appreciated the value of tot television. Sometimes it's the only way to a) wash the three days worth of dishes piled in the sink b) run to the bathroom to assist your toilet-training preschooler or c) read the paper for 20 minutes with your cup of tea. Just don't go telling me it's the sure path to Harvard.

As for those developmental experts advising parents to watch TV with their infants or toddlers, what can they be thinking? If you're sitting down with the little ones, why not sing, or read a story, or build a castle out of blocks. The days of being glued to hockey playoffs will come soon enough. Trust me.

Milk matters

Now that the issue of breast versus bottle no longer merits much discussion, new moms have another question to consider: "Your breast - or mine?"

Wet nursing, cross-nursing and communal breast milk supplies have gone mainstream. Can there be any doubt, now that such topics have made Time magazine? And then today, this.

Sharing the boob (or the milk) was not something people talked much about when my kids were hungry infants. Mind you, nobody was using fancy phrases like "co-sleeping" or "attachment parenting" back then either, even though plenty of folks were doing those things.

To me, anything that promotes the idea of breastfeeding and makes it easier for new moms isn't a bad thing. But the latest discussion is jumbling up a whole bunch of separate issues. First, there are moms who can't nurse but want their babies to have the nutritional benefits of breast milk. So they may turn to a "wet nurse" to breastfeed their infants. Or fill their bottles with breast milk from other nursing moms or breast milk banks. Then there's "cross-nursing" - when mothers breastfeed each other's babies, largely for convenience, or when they're looking after them for an afternoon.

But aside from the health risks, which even the breastfeeding support organization La Leche League has expressed concern about, this issue is about a lot more than nutrition. As someone who nursed four babies, I'm not sure I'd be willing to share those intimate moments with another mother, convenient or not. It's also understandable why a mom who's unable to nurse might not want to hand her baby over to someone who can. Just because a baby drinks milk from a bottle doesn't mean feeding time can't be an intimate time of bonding and closeness.

And here's one more thing. Let's make sure this trend doesn't become one more way to pass judgment on what makes a "good mother." Or to start laying the guilt on moms who decide to skip the milk bank and feed their babies formula instead.

Yes, we know breast is best. But not at the cost of a mother's physical or mental health. Or her right to make this very personal decision.

Attention first-time parents

Right from the second my water broke with the first baby and jolted me out of an afternoon nap, nothing unfolded the way the prenatal classes had suggested.

Not the contractions, which went from non-existent straight to three minutes apart. Not the transportation plan, as my spouse was out of range, holed up in a press box covering some CFL game. Not the arrival at the hospital - when the sight and sound of me, clad in ratty housecoat and doubled over with a towel wedged between my legs, sent the tour group of horrified expectant parents bolting from the delivery room.

And definitely not my bouncing baby who, upon arriving, decided the world was sufficiently interesting that he wasn't inclined to miss out on any of it by sleeping. At least not for more than 20 minutes at a time.

All of which is to say that however well-intentioned, the "Be Prepared" motto doesn't always work when you're pregnant. Because you just can't be.

That's why you may be interested in a new program for first-time couples to help them navigate this strangely exhilarating, exhausting, mind-boggling, emotional transition into parenthood and through the first two and a half years of raising baby.

It's called The Parenting Partnership and it's open for enrolment to anyone expecting a baby next month (December), and in May or July of 2007. Created by Invest in Kids, a national non-profit organization aimed at helping parents and children through the early years, it's available to parents in the GTA, Hamilton/Niagara and Ottawa-Carleton regions. All you need is an internet connection.

New parents are always busy, so lots of the coaching, discussions and Q and As are done in weekly online meetings, while monthly face-to-face sessions are also held at partnering centres in the community. Not only do new parents get direct advice and information, they also get to connect with others who have babies the same age.

"New parents tell us that while they were filled with happiness and excitement about the arrival of their first baby, they also felt concerned and insecure about their own parenting knowledge and skills," says Dr. Carol Crill Russell, senior research associate with Invest in Kids.

The program will provide information on everything from labour and delivery to finances, infant nutrition, establishing routines, child development and how a baby can alter a couple's relationship.

For more information, visit the website or call Invest in Kids at 1-877-583-5437 or 416-977-1222.

Raising Canadians - a quiz

It's easy to start instilling Canadiana in the children early. Right after you've heaved a grateful sigh of relief for the publicly-funded health care system that got you through the previous nine months.

So today, let's celebrate the abundance of Canadian-made songs, poetry and stories for babies, toddlers, preschoolers and early readers. In honour of the quiz mania that sweeps this great land every July 1, may I present my own. The topic: best kidstuff.

Can you name the titles and creators that go with some of my favourite snippets below? They are phrases taken from works that, to me, represent the best of the Canadian imagination.

Come back next week for a list of answers. Because if you haven't yet discovered these wonderful works, summer's the ideal time to do so. You won't find better books and music to snuggle up with.

In the meantime, post some lines from your own Canadian favourites using the comments link below.

Here we go:

1)  Lullaby lullaby
     Baby fuss and baby cry
     You'll be sleeping by and by
     Sleepy little baby

2)  He could count forwards and backwards. He could zip zippers and button buttons.

3)  I'm gonna shake, shake, shake my sillies out
     Wiggle my waggles away . . .

4)  Allosaurus, stegosaurus
     Brontosaurus too
     All went off to dinner at the
     Dinosaur zoo;

5)  "Hmmm," he said as his scissors went snip, snip, snip and his needle flew in and out and in and out, "There's just enough material here to make . . . "

6) I love you in the morning and in the afternoon
    I love you in the evening, underneath the moon

7)  And what if . . .
     EVERYTHING was purple
     I mean a WHOLE PURPLE WORLD
     And there was someone just like me
      I mean a purple sort of girl

8)  "I shall never forgive Gilbert Blythe," said Anne firmly. "And Mr. Phillips spelled my name without an e, too. The iron has entered into my soul Diana."

9)  Clang, clang, rattle-bing-bang
     Gonna make my noise all day

10) "I'm Uncle Roy's nephew and I want to go to sea." "Ahh," said the woman, nodding her head. "Come in my little sailor."

11) There were five children, counting the Pollywog, and their names all began with the letter P. Why that should be no one was quite sure but Father said it was done purposely so that it would be easier to divide up the silverware when they all got married.

12)  A mother held her new baby and
       very slowly rocked him back and forth,
       back and forth, back and forth.

13)  My Mom doesn't understand about red.

14) "Take some," said the midnight tow truck driver. "Take as much as you need. You can never get enough red licorice you know. It's good for you and it gives you big muscles."

15)  Old Mister Johnson had troubles of his own
      He had a yellow cat that wouldn't leave his home.

16)  He was two plus two plus two years old.

Your turn.

Happy Canada Day.

Way more to parenting than biology

Take a deep breath and clear your cluttered mind of the parenting prattle. Empty it for a moment of all the experts telling you how to get your kid to sleep through the night and eat vegetables and use the toilet and learn to spell. Stand back from those shelves full of books on secure attachment and self-esteem.

Okay now, let's cut to the chase. What are two of the best things that all this info overload is really telling us we need to give our kids, after food, shelter and affection? And I'm talking about big-picture things - the stuff that will shape their view of the world and how they feel about themselves.

How's this for a summary:

1) Parents who are happy, or at least relatively content; and

2) A model of a healthy loving relationship between adults.

From this foundation, it could be argued, everything else flows.

So it seems like a no-brainer that society should be doing everything in it's power to encourage and support those, no matter what form a family may take.

But we don't. In Ontario, it took a court case to finally grant lesbian couples the right to both be listed on their child's birth registration because both are not "biological parents." In his ruling last week, a Superior court justice gave the province 12 months to change the law, which he said discriminates against lesbian "co-mothers" on the basis of sex and infringes on their right to equality. Under previous rules, the non-biological "co-mother" could only be listed as a result of going through a formal and costly adoption.

If you want to understand why this is important, there's no better way that through the words of the children. The daughter of one of the four couples in the case testified: "I just want my family to be accepted and included, just like everybody else's family."

It's an important decision, given the same-sex baby boom explored in this story in last Saturday's Star and in the newspaper's special section on Pride Week, where gay and lesbian parents share their stories of changing diapers and rocking newborns. According to Rachel Epstein of the LGBT Parenting Network at the Family Service Association of Toronto, there are more than 900 people on the mailing list.

Earlier this month, over at Mombian, bloggers got together to celebrate LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) families. The result is a collection of posts you can find here that are worth checking out, including a thoughtful one from Crunchy Granola and a provocative essay at Peter's Cross Station.

When Mombian first declared June 1 as LGBT Families Day, she explained that part of the goal was to "collectively raise awareness of LGBT families, our diverse nature, and how current prejudices and laws negatively impact our lives and children."

"I aim to make people more comfortable interacting with LGBT families and discussing LGBT families with their own," she wrote.

I wonder when the day will come that when we talk about families, we won't feel obliged to specify "LGBT" or "traditional" or whatever else. We'll say just say families period. And what will matter most is that all parents and their relationships are supported and valued. Not just because everyone deserves that. But for the sake of the children.

The latest baby gear - satellite TV

Some pediatricians south of the border seem to be adopting a "harm reduction" approach when it comes to what American babies are doing for entertainment.

Just look at the reaction to the launch last month of BabyFirstTV, "the nation's first channel for babies." It's a round-the-clock provider of commercial-free shows aimed at those too young to sit up, chew their food or tell anyone to turn the damn thing off.

Yes, it's television aimed at the barely born, and it's available to Americans by satellite for a mere $9.99 a month. A small price for a few hours of peace and quiet, non?

Okay, I exaggerate. Not a few hours - only an hour and 20 minutes. Because according to a new study by the media research group the Kaiser Foundation, that's how much television 61 per cent of babies in the U.S. are watching each day. I kid you not. Though it's unclear whether that includes the CNN reports from war zones and episodes of All My Children that the grownups have on while baby sits on the bouncy chair pretending to be oblivious.

And guess what else? Nineteen per cent of these mites - who likely don't even own their first pair of shoes - already have a TV in their bedroom!

This is very disturbing to the American Academy of Pediatrics, which, while an advocate of breastfeeding, is not at all keen on the boob tube. It's recommendation: No TV for kids under age 2.

But now, some doctors beg to differ. Reality check, they say. If parents are using the TV to keep tots occupied while they throw in the laundry or because they think it will make them smarter, why not at least help them do it in a healthy way? With good clean age-appropriate fare instead of Simpsons reruns and or ex-spouses lunging at each other on Jerry Springer.

FYI, the baby channel isn't available here.

I know what you're thinking, and you're right. Only in America.

Does your baby watch TV?

Wielding the scissors doesn't quite cut it

So Brad cut the umbilical cord. Sweet. Now he officially joins the ranks of daddies everywhere who can pretend they actually did something useful in the delivery room.

Oh I know. How mean-spirited and strident can you be? But really, this cutting the cord thing is one weird badge of honour. I'm all for having the guys in on the birthing process, though at the other end of the bed if you please. But how is handing them the surgical scissors supposed to really make them feel part of things? Any more than handing them the bag of frozen peas makes us feel part of things when they're the ones subjected to the snipping.

Perhaps I'm just being resentful. The Dad, after all, couldn't bring himself to perform the role of designated cord-cutter. Not that I would have let him near me with a sharp object, even in my post-partum haze. The man can barely hammer a nail straight.

But still, you've got to wonder about four chances, four refusals. He's never been the queasy type. Doesn't shy away from the gallons of blood that tend to surge forth after one brother whacks the other over the head with a ministick. Has spent more time in the ER than Dr. John Carter, between the stitches and broken bones and poked eyes of his progeny.

Back in the day, he boasted such a cast-iron stomach that he barely flinched when our toddler was suddenly overcome with a fierce bout of stomach flu while perched in the backpack. The direct line of fire was the top of his father's head. I will spare you further details except to say I wasn't the one to clean anything up.

But somehow when that umbilicus was offered up, well, the man just couldn't cut it. You know, those hours of labour had been so exhausting for the poor fellow. Hardly surprising that he had to take a little nap just as Baby Number Four was preparing himself to arrive on the scene.

All those ice chips to fetch, all that heavy breathing. Not to mention those feelings of rejection when, during the thick of things, he was inevitably ditched in favour of the midwife, or the nurse or let's face it, whatever other female came within a 10-mile radius.

No wonder he was bawling his eyes out each time the great adventure drew to a close. Harder than the newborns, I might add. Come to think of it, maybe that's why he didn't cut the cord - obscured vision. Which, in the end, meant more than any performance with the scissors anyway.

Too close to call

It's okay Britney, dry those tears. If you still feel bad about that near wipeout with babe on hip last week, just check out these harrowing tales from some honest mamas. Yes, they were inspired to pour forth with their own near-misses after we weighed in on this dangerous business of child-rearing in Saturday's Star.

Seems all that nonsense from the celebrity-watchers stirred up a lot of memories. I already told you about locking my newborn inside the running car. And while I'd like to claim otherwise, the truth is there are plenty more where that came from. There are four of them after all. What's a few seconds of video, Britney? If all the calamities in my household were recorded, the footage would be a helluva lot longer than King Kong. And I don't even wear high heels.

More tales from the annals:

1) A mother descends the stairs of an office building, a toddler in the backpack, a 2-year-old in one hand and a bunch of balloons in the other. It is to be a birthday surprise for The Dad. But oops, she suddenly does a Britney. Except this mother goes all the way down. And down go the little boys too, but happily, demonstrating at least an iota of co-ordination. The pain in her ankle is blinding, searing, takes the breath away. "Mommy? Why aren't you talking? Mommy? MOMMY?"

Two things she learns that day: It is possible, though somewhat awkward, to crawl on all fours with a child still fastened in the backpack. And, surprises are a dumb idea. Turns out The Dad isn't even in his stupid office. The receptionist is aghast at the trio who come slithering out of the stairwell. She tut-tuts over her glasses while rounding-up a few ice cubes in a paper towel. The rest of the story doesn't bear repeating, except to say thank God for grandparents who answer their phones. My cast was pink.

2) A five-year-old and two preschoolers are in their "child-proofed" basement. Along with a big empty cardboard box. How dangerous can it be? The mother goes off to load the laundry. The five-year-old puts the box over his head and his younger siblings respond accordingly -- with a shove. En route to the floor, Box Boy manages to catch his ear on a stray staple left hanging from the cardboard, practically severing it from his head. His shriek drowns out the washing machine. His mother, attempting to remain calm, reassures him that, no, it's not possible to see his brains through the hole. The nurse at the hospital is most incredulous. At least scars behind the ear don't show up in the kindergarten grad photo.

Anyone else?

And they call this a child care plan?

Ken Dryden, former NHL goalie and minister in the last Liberal government, says he woke up good and mad after the January federal election. Not just because his team lost, but because he knew the Conservatives would dump the national child care program he had championed. They did. And now Dryden is running for Liberal leader, largely because of that.

No doubt Dryden is even madder today, along with a few million other Canadians. The message to parents in yesterday's federal budget: when it comes to child care, you're on your own. Here's some extra pocket change (a taxable income supplement of $100 a month for every child under 6), but don't go counting on us for those child care spaces.

How much longer can Canadian families be expected to endure the ups and downs and back and forth and near resolutions and cancellations of child care programs? There's no shortage of lip service paid to "the importance of future generations" and how it's in society's best interests to care for kids and families. Yet there's no end of snarling and hissing over why we can't provide the most fundamental kind of support - adequate child care spaces for kids while their parents are at work earning the money to care for them.

Child care advocates say the Tories' so-called "universal child care" plan is insulting. They are right.

What's also insulting is how often the debate over universal child care gets hijacked by those who want to turn it into a moral issue or a red herring about stay-at-home versus working mothers.

Argue all you want about the pros and cons of whether one parent should stay at home for baby's first couple of years, but the fact is that under current conditions, many can't and don't. So why can't we invest in supporting those families - especially with years of research behind us showing how all-important the early years are?

The Tories got one thing right. Parents who take a big financial hit to be home with the kids deserve a break, too. They now get some cash they can use for a babysitter when they need a break. But a national child care program could have provided that as well by making them eligible for affordable occasional child care.

Something that too often gets left out of the equation on this never-ending roller coaster is the stress that uncertainty and long waiting lists puts on families. The impact of adult stress on children is profound enough that the Global Business and Economic Roundtable on Addiction and Mental Health, a group that is pushing workplace mental health higher on the national agenda, has been studying the issue. Stress around child care is a huge part of that. Just ask any parent trying to meet with a supervisor or file a report after he has left a two-year-old crying on a sitter's doorstep. Or a mother who starts getting anxious at school dismissal time about whether the neighbour will remember to pick up the 8-year-old this afternoon.

Canadian parents need and deserve some stability. So do the kids. Ken Dryden, hold on to that fury.