No way. No how. No baby.
Who thought of this ridiculous method of getting them out? Seriously?
I've weighed the facts, conducted a thorough cost-benefit analysis, looked carefully at all of the details and made an important decision: I will not be having this baby.
Birth is too gross. Too humiliating. And from what I can tell right now - still not a full member of this mommy club - too painful.
No way. No how. No baby.
Yes - I feel a bit like a ripening zit that will inevitably have to be popped - by me or a qualified cosmetician. Yes - the Lentil's tiny feet frequently get stuck in my ribs, it feels like, and its kicks have turned from endearing flutters to punchy death blows (kid - what are you doing in there?!). Yes - I would like once again to have a flat (ish) stomach.
But since I began learning about labour and delivery - mandatory reading at my stage in the game (I thought it was prudent to see what I'm in for) - all of the above seem like trifling, petty gripes.
From what I can tell (and to quote my good friend Amy) I have no interest in trying to "squeeze a watermelon through my nostril."
Pictures of a prego's anatomy are frightening to me. There is no way THAT opens up enough to sneak through another person's head! Words like "episiotomy" and "afterbirth" should be banned from the English language altogether, let alone introduced to an anxious, first-time expectant mom. Birth looks too dangerous too. It involves a lot of blood (okay, so our body increases its blood volume to handle losing too much on delivery day), fluid leakage and possible tearing of sensitive, membranous tissues.
Now I've never been a prude (well, I do sorta like doilies), but those areas are private, for goodness sake! A team of people fussing around my bottom end lacks a certain appeal.
When I express my wishes to not to give birth, people have told me not to worry. Some have attemped to calm my nerves by explaining that once the process begins there's really no way to reverse it, so I might as well just go with the flow.
People have also said that my doctors are going to insist I let this child out at some point (maybe because there's a push against overprotective mothers these days?). And that I won't really feel embarrassed or humiliated when the time comes.
They also tell me I'll be quite happy when it's over (except I'll never sleep again). And that there are six billion people on this planet, so this birthing thing has been done, like, you know, many times before and things have worked out A-Okay.
But, I don't buy any of that hooey. I've made up my mind. Birth is still not for me.
So get comfortable in there kiddo! As your mother, I'm issuing you a first directive: stay inside.