No way. No how. No baby.

Who thought of this ridiculous method of getting them out? Seriously?

I've weighed the facts, conducted a thorough cost-benefit analysis, looked carefully at all of the details and made an important decision: I will not be having this baby.

Birth is too gross. Too humiliating. And from what I can tell right now - still not a full member of this mommy club - too painful.

No way. No how. No baby.

Yes - I feel a bit like a ripening zit that will inevitably have to be popped - by me or a qualified cosmetician. Yes - the Lentil's tiny feet frequently get stuck in my ribs, it feels like, and its kicks have turned from endearing flutters to punchy death blows (kid - what are you doing in there?!). Yes - I would like once again to have a flat (ish) stomach.

But since I began learning about labour and delivery - mandatory reading at my stage in the game (I thought it was prudent to see what I'm in for) - all of the above seem like trifling, petty gripes.

From what I can tell (and to quote my good friend Amy) I have no interest in trying to "squeeze a watermelon through my nostril."

Pictures of a prego's anatomy are frightening to me. There is no way THAT opens up enough to sneak through another person's head! Words like "episiotomy" and "afterbirth" should be banned from the English language altogether, let alone introduced to an anxious, first-time expectant mom. Birth looks too dangerous too. It involves a lot of blood (okay, so our body increases its blood volume to handle losing too much on delivery day), fluid leakage and possible tearing of sensitive, membranous tissues.

Now I've never been a prude (well, I do sorta like doilies), but those areas are private, for goodness sake! A team of people fussing around my bottom end lacks a certain appeal.

When I express my wishes to not to give birth, people have told me not to worry. Some have attemped to calm my nerves by explaining that once the process begins there's really no way to reverse it, so I might as well just go with the flow.

People have also said that my doctors are going to insist I let this child out at some point (maybe because there's a push against overprotective mothers these days?). And that I won't really feel embarrassed or humiliated when the time comes.

They also tell me I'll be quite happy when it's over (except I'll never sleep again). And that there are six billion people on this planet, so this birthing thing has been done, like, you know, many times before and things have worked out A-Okay. 

But, I don't buy any of that hooey. I've made up my mind. Birth is still not for me.

So get comfortable in there kiddo! As your mother, I'm issuing you a first directive: stay inside.

Comments

[Debby]

Thank you for this wonderful story. I sat smiling from ear-to-ear the whole time. I felt just like this! I remember going into labor and telling my Mom that I didn't have time for this and I changed my mind!!!

Debby

[R. T]

Having just had a baby less than 3 weeks ago. I can tell you this. Its not as bad as you think. Yeah, its no picnic, and the healing afterward is painful whether you have an episiotomy or have a c-section, but its temporary and you will heal. My only recommendation from a completely personal point of view. Get an epidural! You won't feel the contractions, you won't feel the actual birth, and if you need stitching you won't feel that either. You pretty much won't feel a thing, and you will have the strength to push instead of being exhausted battling the contractions.

[S.S.]

Yes! I totally agree with R.T.!! I had my first baby in July 2007 and am currently pregnant with my 2nd (due April 10th). I remember being really, really scared of the birth the first time around but it ended up being sooooooooo much easier than what every single book and mother out there told me it would be like!! i got the epidural and it was EASY!!! "i feel like going out partying"-easy! this time around i'm not scared at all (maybe a little bit of the slim chance that i won't make it there in time for the epidural...). good luck to you! p.s. when is your due date? i think we're due around the same time?!

[roxy]

I'm due any day now and I feel the opposite. Get her out! But i would like to accomplish it without the whole birthing process. I think it would be great if I could just roll over tomorrow morning and see her in the basinet. In case that doesn't happen I got a pedicure and a brazillian done on the advice of my friends.

[DianaBanana]

Don't look do a search for childbirth on youtube. The idea of someone going in with shears towards my privates turned me of ingesting anything for quite some time. I have never found myself unable to view something a second time before, but I'll never be watching that video again.

I'm suddenly much more sympathetic towards my husband when he groans at a guy on tv being kicked in the jewels.

[Marina Campbell]

While being a mum is three months new to me, I feel that I know 'enough' about being preggers to start sharing some advice ;) It's amazing how quickly it all comes together - for you, the baby, your household. My biggest worry about being pregnant was morning sickness - and I didn't have much of it. The closer D-day came, the more people asked (as they will you) 'So are you getting nervous yet?'

I wasn't. Not a smidge nervous. Just excited and impatient to see our girl.

The day finally came - that last month was tougher than I'd thought - and it wasn't until the anaesthesiologists prepared me for the epidural that I started to think about cancelling the whole thing and going home.

Can I offer some advice? Read up as much as you can, look things up on YouTube (such as the administering of an epidural if you'd like to have one), watch 'Baby Story' and 'Birth Stories' and whatever else you do, don't put too much into other womens' 'horrible birth' stories! I was told plenty of them ahead of time - but when my 'turn' came, I was surprised and relieved at how my body just did what it needed to. You just 'get on with it' and it's the most amazing thing in the universe.

As for 'leakage' while you're 'in progress'... My husband told me he saw 'interesting things' but wouldn't elaborate until I was too ensconced with baby Lyla to care - the nurses at the time, told me not to worry, they'd 'seen it all before' and that most women worry about these things. By the end of your hospital stay, so many people will have seen your nether regions, you'll probably show anyone who asks! As soon as you see your wonderful baby, I swear to this - you won't notice or feel anything else. It's another amazing thing our bodies do for us.

I have a blog and write about life as a new mum, or rather, baby watching my Lyla. I hope you may find it interesting or at the very least, there may be something helpful there. I wrote about the birth and have been writing about what happened after and since.

Best of luck to you and congratulations!

[Athena]

One of the many reasons I preferred having a midwife is that I didn't want a team of strangers looking at my hoohah and sharing in what was bound to be the greatest time of my life. In the end it was only my midwife and her back-up (one looks after the mom, the other looks after the baby.) I also had a home birth so didn't have to deal with all the bother from other people, nurses, etc. I won't go into how well trained they are, emergency equip. and all that; needless to say I felt as safe with them as I would have had a hospital.

In my case, and I think if you let nature take its course, the baby will do most of the work. Your body and the baby will push together, the contractions happen all on their own. It does feel like murder, I will not lie. . it is HARD. There is a reason why we have epidurals. Yet an epidural does statistically lead to other interventions, and can cause problems for the baby, so it is a risk you have to weigh for yourself.

I can say that I felt absolutely fine within a couple mins of giving birth. Hours of murderous pain followed by being just absolutely normal! I was surprised by that. Although I had some tearing and stitches (the stitches are a walk in the park compared to contractions), there was no "healing period" to speak of. I could have done aerobic minutes after. Also, not everyone bleeds. I did not bleed at all, except for where the tear was and that was very minimal. It just bled as it tore and then stopped.

Just remember: it will be the most difficult thing you'll ever do, but it is temporary. It will all be over within a day or two and then you'll have a lifetime with an amazing child who will transform everything. It makes sense that such a gift would come with a high price.

[Michele Henry]

Marina, it's amazing how quickly moms who don't use epidurals recover. I have a lot of friends who have done all natural home births and they get up right afterward, ready to take on the world and their new baby. Good for you.
And it's also true what you say about the pain being a temporary thing - that just plain sucks - but then it's over.
And, it just speaks to your character that you were able to get through it and think about it that way.
I grew up in a family full of doctors and people in the medical profession, so for me, hospitals and medications have always been positive things. That's why I plan on having an epidural. But then, if I can take it, maybe I won't. I just don't know. Pregnancy has surprised me in so many ways. I'm betting that the birth (and the lifetime afterwards) will too.

And, DianaBanana - you always leave the best comments! Congratulations on having Lyla (beautiful name! Can I steal it?)
What's the url of your blog?
You give great advice and you're always on the mark about everything - I suspect you're right on the money about not caring about 'leakage' too. And, I am fully prepared to surrender all my modesty! As yucky as that sounds now, I know I won't care once I'm holding the baby. Two months seems like forever!!
Anyway, thank you for your comments - both of you!