Subway riders suck. For the most part.

Subway riders are either heartless or selfish.

That statment doesn't leave a lot of room for debate, I know, but I've been shocked the last few times I've ridden the rocket to discover no one gets up to give a pregnant lady a seat.

True, most days I look more like a sausage than an expectant mom all squished into my non-maternity ski jacket (the M-Coat doesn't exist in my size and now I've almost written off pregnancy clothing altogether), but even when I play up my tummy - unzip my jacket and look pathetic - no one so much as bats an eyelash in my direction. Let alone stands to surrender a seat.

Why is that?

People sometimes stare at my stomach from their reclined positions on the TTCs cold metal chairs. They'll glance up or sideways then resume their gaze on their own hands, the book their reading, the floor.

No one makes a move. I think that going forward, if someone ever did offer me a seat, I might be so taken aback by the gesture I would probably look at them weird or mean and likely refuse to accept it.

I hate to think that in the past I've been that heartless or selfish - but as a subway rider myself I've probably, most certainly, been that idiot who refuses to budge.

Now I know better. 

And I vow never to NOT pay attention again. I promise - once I'm no longer with child - that I will always offer my chair to someone who looks like they need it.

Because having to stand, sandwiched between some smelly guy with a pointy backpack and a kid with snot on his face, at seven months pregnant just plain sucks.

It sucks at the best of times, but as a queasy rotund chick it sucks even more.

Comments

[DianaBanana]

Because having to stand, sandwiched between some smelly guy with a pointy backpack and a kid with snot on his face is likely to cause queasy feelings in even the most healthy and slim of individuals.

Everyone is tired, everyone wants a seat, and everyone likely has a reason for sitting in one. I'm only 14 weeks pregnant and I am feeling like my insides are getting pulled on a taffy machine. However if I really NEED a seat (as opposed to just really liking one) on those days when my morning sickness flairs up and each jolt makes it worse, especially while I'm standing, then I ask.

That's it, in a nutshell. If you need a seat, then ask. I've never been denied a seat if I asked politely and apologized for their inconvenience. I firmly believe that while it's a thrill and great joy to have one offered to you, it should never be expected to the point of 'I can't believe no one offered! How rude!'. It's not a right to anyone except the elderly and disabled for the pure reason that their conditions often make it physically impossible for them to stand for reasonable periods of time...for the rest of their lives.
If your pregnancy prevents you from standing for reasonable periods of time on an ongoing basis then your doctor can issue you a disabled permit.

I honestly get shocked by the amount of entitlement by other pregnant mom's out there. If you're healthy and you have to stand...well that sucks but so be it. I didn't like standing as a kid, I got tired really fast and with constant inner ear infections I lost balance very easily. Same now that I'm pregnant. I prop myself up in a corner or near a bar and I wait. Both my older sisters did so throughout their pregnancies as well.

The ride doesn't last forever.

[New Mommy Too]

As a petite woman who grew a gigantic belly there was no need to play up my pregnant-ness and yet there were hardly any offers for seats on the subway. Once as I almost claimed an empty seat a teenager slid in and gave me a big grin that she got to sit.

Another time the only people who offered me rest were a frail, elderly couple who had no business giving up their seat for anyone. My parents taught me to give my seat to others in need, how come (it seems) no one else was given this lesson?

[TorontoMom2Be]

I always give my seat up and usually glare at people who don't give their seats up for those who need it. As a 6 month old preggers myself, I ride the TTC constantly and know exactly what you mean. I haven't been offered a seat yet, probably because you can't really tell with my coat on, unless I push out my belly and undue the reverse zipper at the bottom of my coat and arch my back, yadda yadda. I figure if I'm feeling good, then I'll stand and take it. If not, then I have sat on those "Priority Seats" on the streetcar with my hand on my belly.

People are in bubbles these days, but I find that there is a commonality of certain types of people who don't clue in or don't care and pretend to sleep.

Rest assured, if I saw you on the subway/streetcar, I'd be more than happy to get you a seat!

[PreggersToo!]

I have to say that I learned my lesson with my first pregnancy where I constantly had to stand on the TTC, and constantly complained about it to my friends/co-workers etc.

My advice (and what I have been doing with pregnancy #2) is to ask nicely to everyone sitting, "I'm 7 months pregnant. Would anyone mind giving up their seat for me?" 100% of the time, this has been met with embarrassed, "Oh, I didn't see you there" and "Of course" and a bunch of people offering a seat.

It might be that people don't actually don't see, or don't want to ask in order to be refused etc. It doesn't matter whether they ignored you on purpose at this point because YOU GOT A SEAT!

[Sheri]

I'm 7-1/2 months preggers and ride the ttc everyday. It still astounds me how people just go about their business when I'm clearly unstable on my feet and grasping "peanut" to stop from bouncing into a bus/subway pole. I've even sat in the "priority seating" (for fear of getting stuck in the middle of the bus and unable to belly my way through) and still received dirty looks or someone yelling at me that I should give that seat to someone who really needs it. Apparently pregnancy doesn't count as being needy despite the fact that we have swollen abdomens, feet and god only knows what else!

[Betty24twelve]

Sad to say, but you have to (no pun intended) stand up for yourself.

The next time no one offers a seat, pick a seated person and say, "Excuse me, I'm pregnant and I need to sit down. I feel like I'm going to vomit, and if I don't sit down it'll be on your shoes."

You'd be amazed at how quickly people will move. I used to work at Front and Spadina and had to take the Spadina streetcar - people always moved. And yes, I really said this, regardless of whether I really felt sick. :D

[blah-blah-blah]

I was nauseous and HUGE throughout my first pregnancy and had to endure a long subway ride to work every day. I was offered a seat exactly once in that time and was so shocked that I couldn't stop thanking the guy.

Like some of you, I had to resort to asking for a seat - worked every time.

[lindsay green]

Hello

i agree with woman above - why do you feel entitiled to a seat. you got pregnant, that was your choice. now live with the concequence of the decision.

pregnant peole and people with kids feel so entitled to everything. even in the mall with their GIANT strollers they just push right at you and expect you to move.

I refuse - i had a woman push the thing right at me, i just stood there and waited for her to go around me. had she asked nicley - or said excuse me to get around - i woul dhave moved - BUT AGAIN the entitlement kicks in.

it is the same as the parking spots now for expectant and people with kids at the front of the mall.

WHY because you had a kid do you get to park closer????? since it is not against the law - i park in them if they are open. why because you have a kid you think you should get special rights.

i dont have kids - so i think i should pay less taxes since i will never send kids to public school and not cost the government that money. or use up tax credits.

so you can have your seat and parkign spots - just send me my tax refund.

[roxyg]

Dianabanana, you're only 14 weeks pregnant. Wait until you're 37 weeks. Yes the situation is temporary, but that doesn't make it any less difficult. Yes their are some people in a difficult situation for the rest of their lives such as the elderly or disabled. But you know what they aren't offered seats either.

Yes I can go to the doctor and get a note. But who is going to wait on me hand and foot? My husband? He's done well but he isn't with me every minute of everyday.

I feel that I am doing a wonderful thing by having a baby and it will only make it more wonderful if others helped me.

It just boils down to respect which everyone deserves. You won't change you mind the moment you read this dianabanana, but maybe you will 24 weeks from now.

[kittah]

Wow seeing and hearing all of you whining and complaining about being pregnant and not getting a seat on the bus or subway or whatever makes me shake my head. So what your pregnant. That doesn't make you entitled to ANYTHING. So what if you have a big belly, feel like your going to vomit or your ankles are swelling. You don't think other people have these problems on a daily basis to? yeah your carrying a kid but so what. Unless you've been on your feet all day long you have NO reason to whine cause someone wont give you a seat. Besides It's healthier to stand on your feet. But that's just the opinion of another pregnant mother who stands on the bus instead of taking a seat offered to her because there is no true reason for her to sit.

[DianaBanana]

With all due respect roxyg, I disagree.

Not that it'll get harder. After watching my older sisters go through theirs, I know that it will become so so much worse. I disagree that giving up a seat is about respect. It's about kindness, compassion even, but respect is a very strong word.

My entire point of my post is that if a woman needs a seat she can ask for one. It doesn't matter how far along in the pregnancy you are. If you have an attitude of self-entitlement at 37 weeks, you probably had it at 14 weeks as well. If you go into a situation like riding the subway knowing that you just need to ask for a little help or politeness, people will almost always oblige, and you will be much less miserable if you ask someone for the seat you need rather than wait for one to be offered. Yes, it's very courteous when people offer needy people seats, but you can't just expect it.

If you want or need a seat, take a little initiative on your own.

[Caroline]

Before I became pregnant, I certainly was not as sensative to the plight of the pregnant woman with swollen legs and a large belly. I am happy to say that people, primarily women, did give up their seats for me during my last trimester on the subway. Because of their kindness I now make sure that I extend the same consideration. A simple act of kindness will not only make someone else feel better but it will also make you the you feel better. It's very easy and the policy should be extended to anyone in need of a seat.

[Grainne Gillespie]

I don't give my seat up because I have extremely bad arthritis in my knees.

I've been verbally abused and sworn at by pregnant woman even after I explained about my knees.

[Marianna]

I'm 6 months pregnant and I have given up riding the subway and bus to school. I am lucky in that I have access to a car and can afford to pay for parking. I just don't feel safe swaying around on my feet while all these able bodied people sit there while you're standing there.

What I don't understand are the two comments above where these people think that we as pregnant women feel we are entitled to a seat. Do you feel that way about an elderly person, who has just as much trouble standing on a moving vehicle? It's not about entitlement, it's about manners and having respect for others. Just because we choose to get pregnant doesn't mean that you can spew your vitriol at us because you don't agree with our choices. When you get pregnant and you're 6, 7 8 months pregnant and trying to get around with that huge belly, swollen feet and searing back pain, then you may realize why we feel this way. I'm speaking as someone who never wanted children but am now happy that I am in this position.

[maritimegypsy]

I'm not pregnant. I don't plan to get pregnant for another 2-3 years. But I still think it's a downright bloody embarrassment that seats aren't being offered up. When I see a visibly pregnant woman who's looking for a seat I pop up as fast as I can (ensuring I get her attention so she knows where to waddle to.
Sometimes you're just not sure though, and unless they are looking for a seat or look extremely tired I don't want to offend (it happened to someone I know... got offered and was merely bloating...she was mortified)So it's walking a fine wire, but I think anyone in need - little tykes, buns in ovens, disabled, elderly and the exhausted should get a seat.
Some days I too feel like I may vomit on someone's shoes because I have health issues (and spicy soaps do not help) and I dread becoming pregnant for fear of this amplifying.
I think anyone who knowingly doesn't offer up a seat should be publicly shamed by other riders and the mama to be. Toronto has a problem with common courtesy, I noticed this 3.5 years ago when I moved her from New Brunswick... and my opinion hasn't changed... it's only gotten worse. Its about time Toronto took a lesson from smaller communities and realized there are other people living here too!

[KellehBelleh]

Everyone here understands the desire for a seat. It makes perfect sense. What you're asking for, though, isn't respect. It's pity. You feel that because you're pregnant, people should feel obligated to give up a seat.

Respect is something mutual. If you show respect for the other people on the train by asking for a seat, rather than expecting every one of them to feel shamed into offering it up, then everyone will feel respected and comfortable.

You're showing a sense of entitlement because you're assuming people are going to KNOW that you want a seat. Like someone else said, it might not even be obvious that you are (or aren't) pregnant. How are they supposed to know? Especially in the winter when everyone's bundled up.

Also, not everyone is even paying attention when people get on the train. People are reading, talking, listening to music, staring out the window, sleeping... they're not going to pay attention every time a person steps onto the train. Is that disrespect or you feeling like they should always notice you and your needs?

Take responsibility for your own needs. Say "excuse me" and people will almost always be willing to help.

[Minerva]

I have seen people offer pregnant women a seat to be told that they were fine standing thank-you-very-much. So who can tell? Also how does the author know of those seated who is and isn't able-bodied? I once got on a subway feeling light-headed from just having gotten over the flu. I politely asked the people seated if I could have one of their seats since I wasn't feeling well. Several offered. I then explained the circumstances and thanked the guy whose seat I took.

People are not mind readers and being pregnant does not automatically entitle one to special treatment by strangers. If a seat is needed; ask for a one. The only people for which I have ever seen others automatically give their seats up were the elderly, people with crutches or canes or who otherwise appeared to need to sit down.

[JMegan]

I had a baby last May, and rode the TTC all through my pregnancy. I was pleasantly surprised to have the exact opposie experience...after about 20 weeks or so, someone offered me a seat on almost every trip.

I did decline occasionally - some days it's easier to stay standing, than to sit down and get back up again! But I usually accepted, if only to reinforce the point that it's nice to offer seats to pregnant women who look like they're about to topple over.

But on the rare occasion when a seat wasn't offered, I learned to just ask if I wanted one, and to stand sometimes if I didn't really need it. When I did ask, I always got a polite apology, and a seat, no questions asked.

It's not so much a sense of entitlement, as the sense of making life easier for other people. I guess my best advice to pregnant people is to do what I did - if you really need a seat, ask politely and you'll probably get one. (I'm sorry some of you are having such a rough go of it, though!)

[jd]

I agree with the people who have commented that if you really do need a seat then ask for it. You can't assume that everybody else on the TTC knows how you are feeling and will offer you their seat. Also, don't forget that many people sitting may have their own reason for needing a seat - reasons that might not be as obvious as a baby bump, but are just as relevant (injuries/pain/illness etc.)

[Sharon]

I went through this when I was pregnant with my first. Only it wasn't the subway (which is at least air conditioned), it was the King Street Streetcar and whether going to work or coming home, it was packed. By 7 months, my stomach was getting whacked around like it was a volleyball. But unless I was extremely tired or felt like I was going to pass out (morning sickness the whole way through pregnancy), I'd stand. What would really get my goat (do people still actually say that?) was when I was sitting and someone got on who obviously needed a seat (one elderly woman with a cane comes to mind in particular - I would see her two or three times a week)and nobody but the huge, sweaty pregnant woman (me) would offer their seat.

Offering a seat is not about pity or rights, it's about compassion - it's about seeing someone who is in need and offering to help. It's about looking at another person and thinking to yourself....this could be my mother, father, brother, sister, grandmother....how would I want someone to treat them?

[Michele Henry]

I had no idea that subway seats could be such a polarizing issue. And I agree with many of you. If I really am in need, I should ask. Normally, I'm no shrinking violet. But something in me is just as stubborn as most of the subway sitters who refuse to budge - and from my experience, they comprise the majority of TTC riders.
Offering a seat is a common courtesy, I think, like saying please and thank you to the butcher, where I buy my meat and the baker, where I prefer to purchase bagels.
I guess I just think it's important to be kind to others with whom I share this society - like paying for public school, even if my kid attends a private institution.
A frequent subway rider myself, I am often struck by how little kindness is offered to fellow commuters in any way. I have seen it happen before - people getting up to allow another to sit down - but I don't believe it's the norm.
That said, I drove to work today and got stuck in the snow dropping a colleague off at her home this evening. Two strangers jumped out of their cars, as they passed by mine, to help push me out of a ditch.
They drove away before I could take their numbers or properly say thank you.
That was truly helpful and kind of them, I think.
It would have been easy for them to just pass by. But they didn't. Things like that always reaffirm my faith in humanity.

[TZ]

I rode the subway with my first and the King streetcar with my second and I was rarely offered a seat. In fact, on the King car, I was shoved belly-first into a pole by a guy when I was 38 weeks along (pretty hard to miss a belly that size!) When I pointed out what he had done, he told me that I could (^&$ off because he was only trying to get off at his stop (apparently, saying excuse me didn't cross his mind).

To those who are saying that pregnant women should just ask for a seat... I did that once and felt so humiliated by the person's response (she was really nasty to me and didn't give up her seat) I never asked again.

To me, it is about respect. It's not just pregnant women that don't get seats these days. Every day, I see elderly people, those who are unsteady on their feet or have other disabilities being denied seats as well. Perhaps it's hard to tell sometimes if a woman is pregnant or not, I understand that. But noticing the elderly man or woman standing while you're seated and not offering up your seat? That's just plain disrespectful.

The one bright spot I encountered during my pregnancies was that on the rare occasions when I was offered a seat, it was often a teenage boy or someone whose look may scare people who would offer. I was always pleased to see younger people offer seats... I knew they were being raised right.

[Jay]

I have always been courteous to others on the subway who I think might benefit from sitting more than me - the elderly, people on crutches, pregnant women etc. Perhaps it's the way I was brought up but as an able-bodied person it just seems to me like giving up my seat to them is the right thing to do. Now at 8 months pregnant, I'm overwhelmingly disappointed at never having been offered a seat on the subway. I've always thought of Torontonians as generally friendly and thoughtful and am deeply saddened to realize through this first hand experience that I am completely wrong.

It's not about feeling entitled to a seat, rather it's about wanting to believe that I live in a society where people are actually considerate of those around them. I really don't understand the mentality of some people who have posted comments here stating that they intentionally don't give up their seats when they see a pregnant woman or park in designated spots. I mean, why do that? You people must be very unhappy in your own life to feel that you can "get back" at society by doing that sort of thing. It makes me feel sorry for you.

Anyway, I had never actually considered asking for a seat and appreciate the advice posted here. Although I think it will be somewhat embarrassing to have to resort to that if it works, hey why not?

[Jenn]

When I was pregnant last summer, I rode a bus, a subway, then a streetcar to work everyday... and I ALWAYS was given a seat. Always! There was maybe 4 times in all, that a crumby teenager would steal it from me, but being pregnant really reconfirmed my trust in today's society.

I always give up my seat to a preggo, or one carrying a little one in her Baby Bjorn, and I was always given a seat. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

[carole]

I was asleep on the train on the way to work when a pregnant woman shoved her belly into my face - physically touching me - when I opened my eyes because her sweater was pushing on my cheek - i looked up and she was looking right at me, so she knew full well what she was doing - I just shifted in my seat and did not give it up - respect goes both ways