Scratch me?

Am I the only one having an identity crisis?

"I want to be an artist!" I shrieked to a chuckling friend over the phone earlier this week. 

For a little while now I've been battling a manic-type state that takes particular hold of my psyche in the afternoons, after Hudson's second nap and before his bedtime. 

It involves concocting ever-bizarre career plans for myself (think pro paraglider and X Factor Host - ousting Cowell, of course) while I move Huds from the Jumperoo to the exersaucer or cook his tasty dinners.

In other words, I am bored - a familiar state of being for me over the last few months, interrupted briefly by the holiday's distractions and the New Year's eve cheese fondue I'm still fantasizing about.

(Happy New Year moms!)

"I want to paint. And design. And create things," I sighed, while flipping through magazines filled with pages upon pages of people doing interesting things with their lives. 

"I want to dooooo things! What should I do with my life?!"

Motherhood is making me itchy. 

As I write this, Hudson is flailing and squirming in his crib, like a jack russell terrier furiously digging its snout into the couch in some purposeless nesting act before it sleeps. When slumber finally overtakes him I'll have up to an hour for a break - just enough "me" time to get through a few chapters of my book or read news on line or shower and relax or think about dinner and tidy up a bit or have an adult conversation with a friend. 

By the time I decide how I would like to spend my precious few, free moments, they'll be up. 

How is it that while on maternity leave, we seem to have all the time in the world, but no time at all?

A typical day: nurse, feed, wrestle down for a nap, play. Repeat X3. Throw in a couple of these: pack cheerios, tiny pieces of apple, a yogurt, Kraft Singles and "tasty beefs" from last night's dinner into a lunch bag, stuff the Boy into his snowsuit and amble to the car with bags hanging off every available finger, and the day is practically done.

It's quite tiring doing zip all day and it's not as fulfilling as I imagined it might be... 

Don't get me wrong, I feel very lucky to have this year off to bond with Hudson and revel in his small, but man on the moon advances. 

I derive so much joy from how he thrills to watch the bathtub fill with water and how he paws at the sturdy pages of the Very Hungry Caterpillar and how his tiny tushy wiggles mischievously toward the power cords and heating grates in our home and how he tries to stuff the bulbous end of his blue shaker into his mouth until he gags - repeatedly.

But I am also quickly learning about how life without a paying, get-out-of-the-house, gainful, brain-utilizing job, for me, means I can't possibly be a good mother to my child. If I'm not an interesting person, with other-than-mothering topics to discuss nightly, how can I expect my son to want to become one?

It can't be good for Hudson to think his mom lives to watch the Food Network! It can't be good for my sanity to watch it so much!

So there are daydreams. In between changing diapers and stacking blocks for Huds to tear down, my mind has been wandering and every day it lands on a different career.

Ice fisherman was yesterday's desire. But I hate the cold. 

Sand castle builder? 

Guess I better start fantasizing about being a reporter. I return to work around April!

Comments

[Tracy]

MICHELE...Happy New Year to you, too! It's great to see a post from you!
My daughter is six weeks older than Hudson, so I can TOTALLY relate! I laughed out loud so hard when I read `By the time I decide how I would like to spend my precious few, free moments, they'll be up.` It`s soooo true...but my husband just doesn`t get it!
And then you had me tearing up describing how he wiggles towards power cords and likes to watch the tub fill up...Carissa is the same.

I`ve followed you from the early days of your pregnancy. Thank you for your wonderful posts, and sharing a bit of your life with us!

Tracy

[Carrie]

Michelle, my son is 3 days older then Hudson. I love reading your blog, as so much of it I can relate too. The Very Hungry Catapiller is a favorite of my son's as well.
I laugh about Hud's putting his shoe in his mouth until he gags, my son does the same thing all the time -especially when we are in the mall.

[Michelle]

It's like you're in my head and my house so you're totally not alone! I was just expressing my need for a hobby the other day to keep the tedium at bay. My daughter is two weeks behind your boy - and it's been great to follow almost verbatim what I've experienced since you started writing and I felt my first hit of nausea! Thanks for the laughs.

[Cynthia Hill]

I've been at home for close to four years now (mainly because the cost of daycare outweighs what I could make without working 24/7) and I have all kinds of "I'm going to..." fantasies. Anything from writing more than my occasional blog entry to cooking an actual meal. I love my kids more than anything, and I'm glad that I'm home, but there are days I feel like my brain is atrophying. Actually, there are a LOT of days I feel like that. Ahhh... the old SAHM vs WOHM condundrum. It sucks.

[B. Reynolds]

When I was on leave with my second daughter, I decided I was going to pitch the news business. I came up with a wacky scheme that involved - well, I won't tell you what it involved, but it was wacky. After my mat leave was up, however, I gained comfort from knowing I was a darn good editor, and that there was a reason why I had chosen that career in the first place. This doesn't mean you can't still try wacky things - but rest assured, your old strengths will give you plenty of inspiration when you go back to work.

[Ellie]

Even academics have realized motherhood prompts a lot of deep consideration.

http://research.news.yorku.ca/2010/01/18/new-book-revisits-maternal-thinking-as-a-concept/

[Aya Costa]

Hello Michelle,

you are a lucky person!!! You have a job to return to after you mat. leave is over. Many, including myself, don´t have it. All I have is a neeeever ending routine of changing diapers, nursing, feeding, singing silly songs (delightful,but meaningless). I wish I had a job...I also dream about going back to my home country...maybe there I would find a nice paid work. Congrats on your son, he is beautiful!!!

[Finne]

Michelle, thank you for sharing...I,too feel the same. My daughter is barely 3 months old and I am already feeling that I am "serving my time." I love her very much, but I am also so bored.

[Emily]

My children are a little older now, so it is with a different perspective that I look back on the first year of their lives. I have mostly been a working mom, but I did take a leave of a year a few years ago when my kids were 6 and 3. It was the best thing I ever did and I am so lucky that my employer could facilitate and support this.

Staying home or working are personal choices that have been made by thousands and thousands of women. Count your blessings, get on with what you want or have to do and stop complaining and overanalyzing.

[Elizabeth Morey]

Michelle, Thank you for sharing your story with the world. I am a student and currently do not have children. But, I do have a little sister and can relate your story, to what I saw my mom going through. Also, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your story and the realness of it. It allows people to understand that having children is a full time job and it's not an easy one. I believe more Mother's should come forward and speak about their everyday struggles with their children and reach out to other Mother's who go through the same thing every day. Thanks again.

[Clara]

are you back at work? I keep seeing your blog advertised on thestar blog site and I click on it and there are no new posts. Just wondering what your status is? I understand that life gets busy and there's probably so much going on and this is not intended to put pressure on you. I have followed your journey and am preparing to return to work from my leave and assume that you must be getting near. I just wondered how the transition went for you. I'm looking forward to trying my hands at being a lawyer by day and mummy at night. I've done each independently and am interested to see how they will both merge. If you're planning a transition back to work or just had one, i hope it went well.

[LovesReadingComments]

I look forward to your blog when you are a working mom! Hopefully you will find time to keep the blog going.

[Heather]

So have you decided what direction to take once your mat leave was up? Hope all is well with you and baby.

[7wekenzwanger]

Hi moms,
my name is karin and i'm pregnant. I'm from holland and i found this blos through google. Looking forward to learn from the moms here.
I also have a website but it's in dutch:)
7wekenzwanger