Mental gymnastics

A smoker's mind, at least this smoker's mind, has an acrobatic ability to rationalize.

Here's what I am thinking right now:

I am a better writer when I smoke.

I laugh more when I smoke.

I think more clearly right after a cigarette.

Hell, my grandmother smoked into her 90s.

I also think:

There's a rhythm to how I live, a beat that would sputter and die without smoking.

After a well-written paragraph, during halftime of another disappointing Minnesota Vikings choke-fest, after Dick Wolf's name fades to black, concluding another gripping episode of Law & Order: SVU, a cigarette keeps the beat. It's something to do between times. It's the metronome that keeps the song playing.

Of course, this is all crap.

But this is how my mind works when the body is screaming for a hit of nicotine.

I cannot allow empty time to pace and hand-wring like this.

Fill the time.

Occupy the mind.

Eat.

Eat.

Eat.

That's all I can do, it seems, to distract the physical need for a cigarette.

Mindlessly, I just ate three or four pitas - I've lost count - slathered in peanut butter. Washed down with a Coke.

Strawberry ice cream waits in the freezer.

What's better? Smoking, or a peanut butter drunk?

Somehow, right now, the answer isn't clear.

Comments

[Alex]

Too funny. After 7 years since touching my last cigarette (and when I smoked I was quite dedicated and very good at it) I have to say that absolutely everything I associated with cigarettes and believed to be enhanced by cigarettes was total B.S.

I cannot think of a single thing that I miss about cigarettes.
Not one. Full stop.

The problem is you are and I was a drug addict. Your sub-conscious mind for whatever reason conspires against you, against logic, against reality to make you think that you enjoyed and needed cigarettes.

Treat yourself like a recovering Heroin addict. You need all the help you can get.
You are not breaking a "bad habit". It is a serious drug addiction.
I think this is why most smokers fail when they quit. No one would expect a Heroin addict to just quit cold turkey one day. Why must most smokers be magically able to summon the inner willpower to beat this incredibly powerful addiction?
Looking back, I know that I was extremely luck to do so...
But do believe this parting thought. Cigarettes don't make anything better and quitting has been the absolute best decision in my life.....still...just don't tell my fiancé this!

[Scott Martin]

Good luck in you quest. I gave up the smokes on December 24th after about 25 years as a smoker and having attempted to quit a number of times without success. I am taking Champix (for over two months now) and have not had any side affects aside from a few more vivid dreams. It seems to have made a world of difference for me compared to my past attempts to quit.

[Pat]

David,
It will be two years for me on March 18. I quit cold turkey also, but was helped along initially by a three day hangover following a St Patrick's day and night of draft beer! I was truly green for several days. However, the one thing that helped me most was a comment from a former smoker. He said "just don't have one." Simple enough. But oddly enough, that was my failing during each of the twenty or so previous attempts to quit smoking. That one phrase, believe it or not is how I eventually quit. "JUST DON'T HAVE ONE!" It's as simple as that. Trust me.

[Chris Greaves]

Eat. Unless you are "eating" alcohol, you'll be able to use food as a crutch until you are weaned from nicotine.
Candies are/were recommended, perhaps because they give your itchy hands something to do like "take one out of a packet".
Make it to seven days and I'll buy you an all-you-can-eat lunch or supper at The Montreal Deli.
Honest!

[...pat.]

alt.support.stop.smoking
it's a newsgroup. Full of people trying to quit, and supported by those who have quit.
Helped me.
:-D
Stick with it. You'll be glad you did.

[Chris]

I'm with Alex. 8 years. I also know that it is a precarious success. 1 cig and it's all over. Life is so much easier without smoking, especially now. People are beginning to understand and when I say I used to smoke, there is recognition for the accomplishment that I quit.
I still remember the days right after I quit and it gives me the strength to not go back. I realized it had control over me. I am not bigger than the addiction.
Keep it up, the payoff is worth it.

[Sam Kurtis]

I can't believe someone is getting paid for this atory. Count your blessings.

[Buhaoyise]

China is a smoker's paradise, or worst nightmare, depending on which way you look at it. A factory boss once told me proudly of his 4 pack a day habit, to which I replied with a straight face "Awesome!". The irony was lost but my Chinese host was most pleased.

Passing out cigarettes is a major feature of most interactions with Chinese blokes, so you can easily get away with smoking a pack a day without even buying your own (someone inevitably buys you a carton if they notice you don't have any).

Having lived here for almost 4 years now, I soon went from casual smoker to China smoker. Not the kind that wakes up for a cigarette at night, but a heavy smoker. Most ex-pat blokes in China seem to develop a pretty hefty smoking habit.

That's just to give you some perspective on the conditions here. Despite that, and my addictive personality, I've managed to go cold turkey for just over 2 months now. I still consider it too early to say 'I have quit', but I reckon I've got it beat, based on the following:

In my experience (self and anecdotal), most attempts to quit end on a Friday night at the pub with the crew. Knowing this, rather than avoiding beer for several months for the sake of quitting just to relapse as soon as you crack a cold one, I went out with my 2 pack a day good mate B and we got right hammer-smashed on my third day of quitting. Never mix beer, rum and tequila kids. It's not good for you. I vaguely remember exchanging handbags with B sometime after tequila shot #12. What I remember clearly about that night is that I managed to not smoke. It was a tortuous experience, but I made it.

Since then, I've simply compared every new craving to that night and I know it couldn't be as bad. That's my story and that's how I managed to quit smoking in only 3 days. The moral is to confront the demon head on and spit in it's eye.

I'm still getting the cravings, but like I said, I reckon I've got it beat.

Do your worst mate. Life after smoking is incredible. Everything tastes and smells again (something you don't even realize when you're smoking). I had forgotten what it feels like to wake up in the morning and feel like a human being. Beer intake has increased by 50% despite a 40% decrease in hangoverness.

Just a caveat - my demon spitting method might not work for everybody, but whatever you do, keep trying and figure out what works for you, because there is a way, you just have to find it. If my way works for you, I will accept payment in beer or tequila shots, but preferably not together.

[Jamie Wilson-Hull]

David, I can so relate to what you are going through right now. The entry about the crosswalk just about had me falling off my chair laughing. I have been in those exact same situations when "rage" has suddenly struck when you see that type of "stupidity" in other people. There's just this inner urge once you've hit a certain "quota" to finally stand up and say..."not going to take it anymore"!

And, eat.....oh yeah, I have seen myself get into splurges like that too in order to withstand some of the emotions that are going on. Only problem is.........I'm STILL smoking!

It's MENOPAUSE!!!!!!! *grin*

[Nancy]

David, two things.

1) Have you read the comments posted by readers? They have all provided awesome recommendations to help you in your struggle. You aren't alone, you know? Thousands of us are in the battle to fight nicotine addiction, just like you.

2) DO NOT BINGE EAT!! Again, voice of experience here. I gained about 75 pounds in the three years after I quit. Not kidding. I was huge. My family and friends were all worried about me. I finally had to join a weight-loss program. After 10 months, I lost all the added weight and more. So now, I'm fitter, trimmer AND an ex-smoker. You won't believe how much better you can feel about yourself, if you don't give in!!

And like others have pointed out already, you have to realize that you are battling one of the strongest addictions in the world. Don't let folks tell you it's just a "nasty habit". That always ticked me off. It's an addiction, and you need to treat it as such! And don't start substituting food for nicotine!! Believe me!!

[Carla]

Vivid dreams are also a side effect of the nicotine patch, Scott. I remember that Gary Roberts (who was my favourite Leaf at the time) kept popping up in mine, so I looooooooved the patch, heh-heh! The only other side effect I noticed with the patch was that I had a distinct disinterest in having a smoke. So no complaints there. ;-)

[Sad One]

Hi David,

I think it's great that you're trying to quit and I hope you win the battle! Surround yourself with people who want to support your fight, and don't worry about the weight gain - it's part of the road to recovery. When you're off the nicotine you'll have a healthier body to take to the gym...

I'm not writing this next part to preach, just want to share. My mom died of lung cancer at the end of August. She was 63 and ironically before she was diagnosed we thought Mom was the healthiest she had ever been. Retirement was the perfect time to get back in shape and so she did!
My mother smoked from grade 12 'til she was about 58. She stopped to have a couple of kids, but when my younger brother turned two she started smoking again. She struggled and struggled with quitting and starting again.

When she 'quit for good', she didn't tell anyone as she feared it wouldn't last. But it did, and for 5 years she was smoke-free.

Everything was great and she felt fantastic. Until one day she was trying to climb up the basement stairs with a basket of laundry, and she couldn't make it without stopping (there are about 20 stairs to climb).

Anyway, the doctors found a tumour the size of a grapefruit between her lungs and one year later she was dead.

Life isn't fair and there is so much we can't control.

I hope you are able to quit and avoid getting lung cancer. Why encourage a cancer you can avoid? There are so many we can't, right?

Good luck to you,
Sad One

[Red]

Don't worry too much about the food right now. The weight gained is not as bad for your health as the smoking. That being said, there are a few things that can help:

-sugarless candy, especially hard candies (they help
by having something for your mouth to play with)

-flavoured rice-cake snacks (incredibly low in calories
and the ones that are in pieces mean you'll be using
your hands a lot to pop them in your mouth)

Keep it up!

[Janet]

Hi David,

Congratulations on taking a big step to better your health and those around you.

I quit smoking cold turkey for 5.5 years (closer to 6). Then started one day...due to family issues. Mind you I didn't inhale so I didn't feel as guilty...well the inhaling started when I was out and around smokers and a drink or 2 while socializing. Even though I started back now for the last 1.5 years. I never smoked everyday. The most I would have is maybe 2-3 every other day and yes a few more while out with friends. Yes, 2 of my friends are heavy smokers. It's been tough but I "stopped smoking" on Sunday Feb. 10/08. Yes, I'm also worried about the weight gain, but as someone mentioned in a previous comment, it's better to take a healthy body to the gym and work on it from there. I also don't tell people I quit smoking as it's still new....I always trying to stop. I just put these small little memories to work and that usually makes me avoid the urge...as in more wrinkles, aging quicker, lungs being attacked for stupidity etc., Whatever works for you...just do it....we can all conquer this. You know you have done well when you go to the bar and you don't miss / crave having a cigarette. Personally, with all the advertising and $$$ being spent on these nasty things...they should be BANNED.

Good luck and you will do just fine!

[dianne hayter]

David, as everyone says it's an addiction more powerful than getting off heroine:..what helped me.
I didn't talk about it, and i called myself a non-smoker...(it's like dieting..people then ask you if you would like a piece of cake!)
Secondly, i believe 'you have to replace the addiction with another addiction'..sounds like binge eating has been your natural recourse, however i couldn't stand gaining weight, so i start running..i'm talking a block the first day, 'walk to you feel like running, run till you feel like walking'..
Several benefits..you get an 'endorphin high'(you know..the happy, satiated feeling you get from cigarettes, the brain chemicals that 'make you feel good' (which by the way are what those drugs are-ssri's..they block endorphins from leaving the body quickly).
Lastly you are absolutely right about the hardest part being NOT the first 3 weeks, but months later..when psychologically you give in to 'anger, vulnerability with friends, etc. In my case i had one, but could not stop..i made up for all the one's i missed.
So, if you start calling yourself a non-smoker, replace the addiction with a positive one(doesn't have to be running, but it stops the weight gain, and your lungs feel wonderful-i was up to 5-6 miles within a month!)..gives you self esteem and everything..and being in a support group (like ARF) or online, may or may not help (personally i needed to block it out, not focus on the difficulties-it might make me think i am totally hopeless). last thing..this worked for me twice..at 34 and 36, i started again after being furious. Now i am 54, totally disabled, and my one vice is a da* cigarette..it's worse than taking a soother off a baby! i now have asthma, the beginning of copd (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) and mild emphysema! Don't fool around..it's your life..not just a bad habit! i hate to have to admit this..but i wished i had taken part in a group that talked about relapse!
hugs
Di'
I think it's unfortunate that you did it in the paper', all the nuts come out, along with the wise, supportive ones, and it's puts more stress on you..remember your doing it for yourself..aren't you?
Di
best of luck

[Ma Elena Alvarez]

Hey, I have a much better deal.....forget the EAT EAT EAT & change for CHEW CHEW CHEW...........GUM!
It actually works (I can tell you this by my own experience) 5 months nicotine free & couting :-D

[Carole]

I quit smoking three and a half months ago and I still crave cigarettes every minute of the day. I don't know how people do this other than minute by minute. It is an exercise of will. I haven't slept more than a couple hours at a time since I quit. But at least I haven't gained any weight!