I can't go home again ... can I?

Quitting smoking is a home-wrecker.

Until I quit in mid-February, I frequently visited my parents.

(They live in the midtown house where I grew up. I now live with my wife in the east end.)

There were many benefits to making the 20-minute drive:

Coffee is always on.

Since I don't know how to cook, and because the Star doesn't pay me enough for a full, balanced diet, I appreciate that their fridge is usually full. Sometimes they have those prepared finger sandwiches - tuna or salmon or egg or cream cheese - you can get at fancy food stores. I can eat a whole package in about five minutes.

There's good bagels.

A wickedly sharp big screen TV perfect for watching football or basketball.

And packs of cigarettes lying all over the place.

Both my parents smoke.

My father now smokes those long, white, tasteless, light Benson & Hedges cigarettes. You can pull a neck muscle just trying to suck the nicotine out.

But my mother smokes a stronger brand that I like.

Which would come in handy when I had no cigarettes of my own due to my low salary.

I would wait until she left the pack unattended, quietly move in, slide a cigarette out, then head out on the porch to light up.

But visiting now is excruciating.

Both my parents light up inside, then take their sweet time sauntering to the front or back porch, the delicious contrails slowly moving under my nose.

I have been to their house only two or three times since I quit. It's just too difficult.

But I think I'll be okay.

Without dropping $10 a day on smokes, I can now afford finger sandwiches of my own.

Comments

[Miles]

Well, try Champix (if your benefits allow; if not, it's $120 per box of pills which is good for 2 weeks). I smoked for 15 years and completely quit over a period of 10 days a couple of months back. I have NO desire to smoke. I don't EVER think about smoking. And it doesn't bother me being around smokers, either. I feel awesome and I'm $150 richer every month.

Good luck!

[Kate Hanes]

"The Star doesn't pay me enough for a full, balanced diet."

Oh pleeeze! The $75k or more you make and you can't afford to buy groceries. You're attempt at humour sounds more like arrogance.

[Shann]

my friend was on Champix and she said the exact same thing. She smoked for 20 years....but has now quit because of champix. It's a drug that supresses ur cravings which is KEYYY and the hardest part of quttin. Ive quit for 5 months now and i feel great, I cracked n had two drags of a smoke a while ago but when i had it i was like ewww what the hell was i thinkin! ne ways good luck man jus keep goin wit it....ur savin money n ur lungs!

[Patricia Daly]

Hello and Congratulations! Keep up the good work. I have been off cigarettes for almost twelve years now, and if I can quit smoking, anyone can. I was a committed dedicated smoker, a large pack a day or more, and I literally think I was depressed when I quit. It was like giving up my best friend! However, my doctor put me on the patch for four months, Habitrol is what I think the name is, and it worked!!!! The patch keeps you feeling level all the time instead of those ups and downs in mood one gets when chewing the gum when you think you need a hit of nicotine. And if you can't sleep with the patch on, you merely take it off when you sleep and slap a new one on the next morning. Good luck and try to keep going...it is absolutely worth it!

[Lenny]

My boyfriend is quitting cold turkey. He'll be on day 7 tomorrow, and I have to say he is a bastard right now. I'm trying very hard to be supportive (I've been pressuring him to quit since we began dating over 3 years ago), but it's so hard when my sweet softie has turned into a complete gargoyle.

Every time he's a jerk, I imagine his attitude as the venom from the cigarettes leeching out of his body. For some reason it makes dealing with the personality change so much easier if I use this visualization technique.

[Chantal]

Hey ya know David?
Quitting smoking is, to put it bluntly, a bitch. And good for you.
I'm rather young and I didn't start smoking too too early in life, so I wasn't at it for that long. But I must confess it was probably one of the most challenging things I have ever set out to accomlpish. I'm sure you've been hooked on it longer than myself. It sucks for everyone and it makes you an arsehole. Kudos to you on undertaking what will probably be the hardest thing at which you'll ever make an attempt. DO NOT, whatever you do - give up. You're going to want to a million times, but don't give in to that. I made the decision to finally quit New Years last year. It took me virtually the entire year to finally do it. Now I'm finally smoke free, more or less. (I probably could have done it sooner...I'll blame my beau for that, he's the weak one.) It was hell and I was a cow when my body was coming off it. You will get through it and you'll love yourself once you do. I honestly thank myself everyday for it. It's the smartest decision I've ever made. C'mon I'm a runner! I'm so ashamed to admit I ever HAD such a dirty habit. And now I'm through. But don't think for a second that I don't crave one almost everyday. I just don't give in. You've got to be tough. Yes, it is almost abusive, but the worse abuse is to keep poisoning your body.

[kristen]

I'm not sure if anyone has said anything along these lines yet...

The key to quitting long term is changing your fundamental beliefs about smoking. From reading your blogs, you're still romanticizing the cigarette. I smoked first-hand for five years and second-hand for twenty five. Both my parents and my brother smoke as well.

I understand that smoking becomes a part of your life. Cigarettes are your best friend, there for you in good times and in bad, up late with you cheering you on as you try to meet deadlines, they've travelled the world with you, they're a little pack of reassurance you can always reach for.

But what you need to realize and convince yourself of is that smoking is like a bad girlfriend. Breaking up is hard to do. Because as much as it’s an abusive, unfulfilling relationship, you still love that cigarette, and you forgive its faults. You miss the physical contact, it aches to be alone, and you don't even know who you are anymore with out it. In time, you'll gain perspective and see the relationship for what it really was.

It's like your first awkward teenage love. At the time you're absolutely sure you'll get married and spend the rest of your life with this person and you're on cloud nine with how good it feels to have someone love you and it’s just the greatest most perfect thing to ever happen to you. Then you break up and you write a whole bunch of angry poems and you rip up all your pictures together and you're sure you'll never love again. Then you get older, you get wiser, you find a partner who you really want to start a family with, and you see that first love very differently. You have to move on, and that takes time. Otherwise you're just going to keep taking cigarettes back every time they give you those puppy-dog eyes.

You have to convince yourself that smoking is not desirable and that smoking is not pleasurable, and that you are not missing anything by not smoking. You have to learn how to think like a non-smoker. I'm not entirely sure of how to do that myself, but that's the angle I'm working on quitting from.

If you live by will power alone, someday you will likely give in, and you'll feel like you've failed. Every day you go without a cigarette you feel like you're being deprived, but you pat yourself on the back because your will power means you're being strong. Quitting smoking is not about will power. Once you get over the physical withdrawal from nicotine, it’s about changing your beliefs. You have to find that moment of enlightenment where you actually believe that smoking is no good. Right now you just believe that you can go without it.

Are non-smokers just unenlightened people who would change their tune if they just knew how great it was? Do you want to be a non-smoker? Or are you going to be a smoker who doesn't smoke?

[Cheryl]

I've been following your blog with great interest as I too have quit smoking after having smoked for almost 20 yrs.

As I know you don't like the idea of Champix I thought I'd pass on a GREAT website I found to both you and your readers: http://whyquit.com

It is a website for those trying to quit smoking and has wonderful reading material and great insight. I strongly suggest you check it out.

Keep up the great work David!