Rough night's sleep

I smoked.

In a dream.

Or maybe it was a nightmare.

I can't tell which.

In it, me and a friend - for years we have enabled each other's bad habits - were at a bar, on a rooftop patio.

We were having fun. And looking good, too.

There was no tension-building crescendo of music warning of the inhale. There was no deliberation.

I was leaning over the patio railing, all of a sudden smoking and smiling, my pal beside me, waiting his turn to take his haul.

It seemed to have happened so easily. As if I had not just been through two weeks of hell trying to quit. As if it was that easy and harmless to embrace the dark mistress again.

But then, a few minutes later, as we're leaving the bar, the implications hit me. I started fretting about whether the cigarette wiped out all my hard work and suffering, whether the next morning would bring anew the cravings and anxiety that seemed so insurmountable on Day One.

Then, I woke up.

And I smiled.

Comments

[Jane]

Yes, David, yes, I wrote you about the dreaming thing a couple of weeks ago! it's your way of fighting the battle 'virually', if you will, and protecting your waking self, I think. Your entry exactly matched what happened to me for three months, then the dreams stopped. (for a long time - came back quite recently in time of other stress, so confused me - but virtual confusion, virtual guilt, virtual angst - better than the waking kind).
Way to go, you are doing fine.

[Maggie]

Upon waking from very similar dreams (how the heck did that smoke end up in my hand?)I found that the relief was incredible. Haven't had a "nightmare" in a while now.

Clean of nicotine 1 year on April 9. My life has completely changed because of it.

[Buddiegirl]

I quit smoking almost 17 years ago (May 1st will mark that momentous accomplishment) and I still dream about smoking. When I first quit, my dreams would be so vivid that when I woke up, I felt that I had really had smoked a cigarette. I would have to check around my house and make sure that the ashtrays were empty and sniff the air for signs of smoke. Now, I just accept that it is a dream, like the one where I have the perfect body and every man I meet finds me irresistible (only in my dreams)!

My sister who had smoked for 32 years has just passed 5 weeks of not smoking. It's been tough for her, but I know she is going to make it and so will you.

[...pat.]

Congratulations! I remember that stage of quitting. The smoking dreams feel so real, but are so false. Just don't give in to the urge.

[Red]

So, I see you are the recipient of the most sincere form of flattery. The Ottawa Citizen started a story and blog about a smoker quitting for the Driven to Quit contest. I've placed the URL in the box above.
His dreams sound more interesting than yours, though. :-)

[Carm]

Hi David: Keep going, honestly it will get better. I quit 15 years ago - well, that was the second time I quit. The first time lasted for about 2 years but I would smoke once in awhile - you know, like you said might happen to you - in the backyard, with some friends and now that you quit you could have one? Try not to, but if you do, don't beat yourself up about it and figure you blew it and now you may as well start up again. That's how I only lasted for 2 years. One of the adages that helped me was "the urge to smoke will go away whether or not you have a cigarette" and it was true. Maybe the urge would last for 5 minutes maybe for 30 minutes but it would go away. And if anyone ever asks me what accomplishment I'm proud of in my life, Quitting smoking is right up there. Keep the faith, baby!!

[Massimo Savino]

This is normal, actually. I quit 2 years ago in April and I still get dreams where I'm smoking. Each time, I have this sinking feeling that I've just broken my vow to quit.

They'll get to be less frequent though. After 16 years on the sticks, I had to figure I'd compensate for their absence somehow.

Totally agreed with Carm too. Relapse does not mean total failure, just that you have to remember not to break your willpower again.