The province is proposing taking $250 from parents caught smoking while in a car with children.
But why stop there?
McGuinty should deputize a force of anti-smoking rangers, charged with writing tickets for a whole new set of infractions.
$100 for buying a pack of cigarettes then repeatedly smacking it against the palm of your hand. I never really understood this. I mean, why do it? To better pack the tobacco in each cigarette? Whatever the hell for?
$200 for anyone caught smoking those long, thin, all-white cigarettes. This isn't the 1920s and there are no more speakeasies.
$300 for anyone caught smoking while wearing lululemon yoga gear. That's just stupid.
$400 for anyone who offers 25 cents to buy a cigarette from a stranger. Trying to pass yourself off as a thoughtful mooch, all the while knowing the smoker you're harassing couldn't possibly be cheap enough to accept your quarter. It's a transparent, offensive and supremely annoying little ploy.
$500 for not holding a cigarette properly. You cannot grip with perfectly straight index and middle fingers. This is a sign that you are a dorky, tentative and uptight smoker, and that you should stop immediately.
$600 for exposing your dog to second-hand smoke. You may wonder why a steeper fine for a smoking crime against dogs than for a violation against children. Dogs are generally cuter than kids, and their lives are shorter.
$700 for being able to smoke only on weekends without craving cigarettes on weekdays. It's not fair, and you should pay.
$800 for being that smoker who tries to sabotage another's quit attempt. I actually had a co-worker say to me, "Relapse is part of recovery, you know." I wanted to garrote him right there in the newsroom.
$900 for not inhaling.
$950 for being in a running club. (If I were Premier McGuinty, I would try to sneak this law in to the proposed legislation, even though it's not related to the war on smoking. I think all running clubs should be disbanded. They are polluting good, quiet neighbourhoods with garish colours, absurd attire and silly, breathless, grunt-filled banter.)
$1,000 for employing an individual who heroically tries to quit smoking, and who blogs about the ordeal in his free time, but not paying him extra.