A Christmas tale for the ages; at least for some of you

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

 

In the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

(Oh, wait; I’ve heard that before, must have stayed with me somehow)

-

Anyway. Heard any good holiday stories lately?

You might have missed this one:

-

An Irregular Family Christmas

(A fairy tale of epic proportions, soon to be an instant classic, like Raptors-Pistons 12/22/10)

They came from all over, from Roma and London (the one here with all the snow and the one there with all the snow) and Biel-Bienne and Ottawa and Vancouver and parts unknown. Oh, and don’t forget Toronto and Hazelville and Glencoe. And there’s one guy’s from Mars, I swear; and three or four are from The Planet Of Negativity. But there were no doofuses from government because they are all genuinely caring public servants who aren't all about obtaining power and doing whatever it takes to keep it. Honest.

A disparate group, indeed, of mixed ages and backgrounds and levels of commitment to the game and each other. A lovely collection as a matter of fact. And a hoot to be around.

Let’s eavesdrop:

-

The soiree begins:

“Hey, let’s put on some music?”

“Beatles? Best of John Lennon? Something from the 16th century? Joni Mitchell? The Best Of Southern Ontario 1980s Concerts?”

“No, no, no. A thousand times, no. If it’s not Roger Miller, it’s crap.”

“Wait, I have a copy of From Brooklyn To Toronto, a medley of carols.”

“Nooooooooooooo” a voice cries from the left coast.

From the other room, a serenade of saxophone music begins and everyone’s calm.

-

And since it’s Christmas Eve, there are no games to watch as the evening begins and no one can stomach an endless loop of Zany Things Chuck And Matt and Leo and Jack have said.

“Screw the music, let’s put on Seinfeld reruns.”

“Are you crazy? The best of Dancing With The Stars is on. Look! There’s Sarah’s daughter. And The Hoff. And Rick Fox.”

“Yeah, but none of them are Clyde Drexler. Thankfully.”

“Wait, there’s some obscure British drama on, let’s watch that.”

“I don’t care what it is as long as they don’t have those stupid low-angle shots from the other end of the action.”

All kinds of nods of agreement and the TV gets turned off.

-

“Let’s sit and talk basketball.”

“What? No more Super Family? Mighty Yankees? The Smelly Ford Focus? Come on, what do you think this is, a place to discuss the intricacies of basketball every day? Surely you jest.”

“Don’t call me Shirley!”

“Okay, Jose sucks. And so does Andrea. And how in the name of whatever deity you worship is Jay Triano still employed? Can’t they get a real coach?”

“I don’t know, let’s ask Doug. He’s over there with his friend Stella. And Super Dog.” “Wait, Super Dog’s making googly eyes at Seraphina. Let them be.”

“What do you want to ask Doug for? He doesn’t know anything and if he said today was Friday, I’d say it’s Thursday because I’m a contrarian and he’s a dope. And I’d say it often.”

-

And now they repair to the table for The Feast.

“What should we have?”

“How about some pizza from that joint in Phoenix. Or red meat from Barberians? Or seafood from the place just off the Vatican wall in Rome; I know a guy who can help us order?”

“No. I want waffles?”

“Grr. No pucks allowed.”

-

The repast arrives and it’s delicious, no bun-tossing, several bottles of a robust red and a vegetarian sample for those among them who don’t appreciate a well-marbled ribeye.

All of a sudden, there arose such a clatter that they sprang to the feet to see what was the matter.

(Hmm, that’s a pretty good line, I should trademark it.)

And as they got to the living room, there he was:

Santa Grunt!

The kindly old gentleman sat down, opened his bag of tricks and went over the gift list:

To Bryan Colangelo

The stones of a riverboat gambler so he can make life interesting in January and February with some blockbuster moves. Or the patience of Job to sit through a dreary season of personal growth

Santa Grunt’s kind of on the fence with that one.

To Andrea Bargnani

Consistent drive and desire and eight rebounds a night so Santa Grunt can get some peace and quiet.

To Jay Triano

A guaranteed third year on his contract. There has to be a reward for this, doesn’t there?

To Beat Grunts in Toronto

Someone – anyone – who showers quickly after games so they can make deadline and is a great quote daily and has a spark of personality. Please.

To Jose Calderon

Good health, and a spike in the price of Spanish jamon. Oh, and the love and admiration of the guys who kill Santa Grunt for thinking he’s, you know, not the devil incarnate.

To Jerryd Bayless.

Rogaine? And the wisdom to realize the other guys in white or red can shoot, too.

To David Stern and Billy Hunter

The foresight to know not to kill the golden goose; and to make sure guys like Santa Grunt don’t have to write pucks next fall.

To DeMar DeRozan, Sonny Weems and Amir Johnson

May the Young Onez (whatever the heck that is) become this era’s Rat Pack. Oh, and consistently good play on the court, too.

To Solomon Alabi and Ed Davis

A Get Out Of Erie Free card.

-

And with that, Santa Grunt had to make his exit, off around the world to spread his own version of goodwill and good cheer to all the boys and girls who sit around breathlessly waiting for his arrival.

Either that or he had to go Christmas shopping.

But as he left – and he tried to go up the chimney but it was too narrow so he stumbled down the front steps – he turned with a twinkle in his eyes and said:

A Merry Christmas to all

And to all a good night.

(Oh, wait; I’ve heard that before, too).

You know what I mean.

 

 

Comments

[steve]

lol what a blast! captures a year in the life of the blog perfectly- reading it i realized that i got almost every reference, as i imagine others did too. quite a little community you have here doug. thanks for what must have been a lot of extra time on that little christmas present to us and for showing off some of those creative writing chops too.

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas

[sam]

Brilliant Doug!
All the Best :)

Blogger's note: Thanks

[Matthieu]

Thanks Doug and Joyeux Noël to you and all fellow Irregulars!

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas

[Rob H]

Well done sir!

[Peter]

Oh My!!! Merry Christmas to Santa Grunt and all of his Super Family... Especially Super Dog... no offence to the other Supers.

Blogger's note: Woof!

[M2]

Merry Christmas Doug!

All the best to you and your family.

Blogger's note: Thank you

[Geoff Read]

Merry Xmas Doug - I riffed on `Twas the Night Before Christmas to one of my classes as well.

May all your Xmases be white.

Blogger's note: Thanks, and Merry Christmas

[Tom]

Great post! Merry Christmas and Happy Hogmanay to you and your family.

Blogger's note: Cheers, and thanks

[CC]

Merry Christmas to you Doug and your family.. I enjoyed reading/commenting on your blog this year. Good job! Good luck next year!

Blogger's note: Much appreciated.

[jimt]

Merry Xmas 2 u n Super Fam,hope u get to relax and watch Nba ALL DAY BABY:) 2mor that is.

Blogger's note: Day of family, no games I don't think. Thanks

[Alex]

One of my favourite posts ever! Merry Christmas Doug!

Blogger's note: Thanks, and Merry Christmas

[David Morton]

Doug; Merry Christmas to you and your family and thanks for the smiles this morning as I read your blog. It is a daily (almost) treasure that I love. Thank you.

Blogger's note: Thanks, and Merry Christmas

[doug]

thats gold, Jerry, gold applies here...this was better then ovaltine...and I'll take the 1980's southern Ontario concert tours for $500 Alex,...anyways have a safe and happy Christmas (oh wait that's politically incorrect) oh to heck with you only live once...MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and yours and to all the bloggers in this It's More Then Just a B-ball Blog Little world...cheers..

Blogger's note: Happy holidays

[Ian Murray]

Creative post! Well done. Merry Christmas to you, your family and all the Irregulars. And to all the Irregulars, even though I don't comment that often, I do read the comments every day and this blog does feel like a close-knit community. I hope everyone has an awesome holiday!!

Blogger's note: And we hope the same.

[D-Mac Ottawa]

The Doug Smith Bloggery is nothing short of a National Treasure. Make that International. Superb, sir (guess that's why they call it word Smithing!). A very merry Cristmas to you and yours, Doug, and thank you!

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas, Regend-creator

[Lorie]

Doug! What a terrific Christmas present to us all. So are you saying this weird and wacky bunch is the family I chose to be with instead of the one I was stuck with, ...ahhh.. I mean born into? Is that what you're saying? Cool. And absolutely fine with me. Thank you so much for the smiles this morning, and all mornings. Have yourself a Very Merry Christmas with the Super Family!

Blogger's note: You are more than welcome; Merry Christmas

[doug]

If i may add quickly,,,when people are sitting around tonight/tomorrow depending on your traditions...listening to their mother/wife/mother-in-law/girlfriend stressing out about the turkey, or yelling at everyone to get to the table just sit back and smile or if your dad/father -in-law./brother -in-law/boyfriend is going on and on or telling another long-winded story just sit back and smile...and if your brother or sister are getting on your nerves just sit back and smile...and as you do sit back, look around and take it all in, fill your memory banks with the sounds, smells, sights, and feelings of the day...as presents, gifts aside there is within that picture the true meaning of the day...Happy Holidays...

Blogger's note: Wise words. Thanks

[Striker 77]

To Jerryd Bayless.

Rogaine? And the wisdom to realize the other guys in white or red can shoot, too.

Lol, you are funny Doug.

Reading the other comments, its getting pretty sentimental around here... Well, thats how it ought to be around the holidays, no? I too want to express my appreciation for your work, Doug. You have built something really special here. You have built a club. A brother and sisterhood of basketball that we can all enjoy everyday, and we should all remember how lucky we are to have this.

All the best over the holidays Mr. Smith... from my family to yours,

Blogger's note: And mine, to yours. Thanks

[Alex C]

Brilliant holiday read Doug! Many thanks.

Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel and Feliz Navidad to you and yours!

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas. And merci

[Mike kovacs]

Hilarious! We are going to Barberian's over the holidays. Merry Christmas to you and super-family from myself, Judy and the boys!

Blogger's note: Take care, and thank you

[Ryan W. (Ottawa)]

Merry Christmas, Doug! Hope that you and yours have a fantastic holiday season. Thanks for putting up with us! :)

You forgot only one thing on your Christmas list: a muzzle for LeBron who just doesn't get it. I would've written "does not", and "would have", but since Mr. James wants contraction, I thought I would give him a couple in the hopes that it would keep him quiet.

[Landon]

Doug, not sure what I just read, but thanks for keeping us entertained year round. Have a safe and merry Christmas and the best to you and the fam.

Blogger's note: You, too

[Paul]

Doug, many thanks for the daily updates. I wish you & your family a Magical Christmas & a Peaceful New Year 2011.

Blogger's note: The same. Merry Christmas

[Steph]

It is the night before Christmas
And through mother Star
Not a creature was writing
Unless from a bar
..
What no Christmas Shopping
With so little time left
Not without a Stella
Because I’m so deft
..
The irregulars want more
The dufesses to
The days are to long
Perhaps a Pabst will do
..
The Bargnani bashers
They want Calderon to
From Triano to Colangelo
They all say poo poo
..
Air Canada forgot me
I’m mad and I’m sore
The TSA got me
I can’t take it no more
..
Another win, another loss
A deadline that won’t stop
I’ll make it, I’ll make it
So long as it’s not the pucks
.

Merry Christmas all and thanks for another great year Doug.

Blogger's note: Ding! Ding! Ding!

[Ian]

Thanks for the blog today Santa Grunt! It's just what I'd been hankering for! Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Blogger's note: The same from here, Merry Christmas