A Christmas tale for the ages; at least for some of you

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

 

In the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

(Oh, wait; I’ve heard that before, must have stayed with me somehow)

-

Anyway. Heard any good holiday stories lately?

You might have missed this one:

-

An Irregular Family Christmas

(A fairy tale of epic proportions, soon to be an instant classic, like Raptors-Pistons 12/22/10)

They came from all over, from Roma and London (the one here with all the snow and the one there with all the snow) and Biel-Bienne and Ottawa and Vancouver and parts unknown. Oh, and don’t forget Toronto and Hazelville and Glencoe. And there’s one guy’s from Mars, I swear; and three or four are from The Planet Of Negativity. But there were no doofuses from government because they are all genuinely caring public servants who aren't all about obtaining power and doing whatever it takes to keep it. Honest.

A disparate group, indeed, of mixed ages and backgrounds and levels of commitment to the game and each other. A lovely collection as a matter of fact. And a hoot to be around.

Let’s eavesdrop:

-

The soiree begins:

“Hey, let’s put on some music?”

“Beatles? Best of John Lennon? Something from the 16th century? Joni Mitchell? The Best Of Southern Ontario 1980s Concerts?”

“No, no, no. A thousand times, no. If it’s not Roger Miller, it’s crap.”

“Wait, I have a copy of From Brooklyn To Toronto, a medley of carols.”

“Nooooooooooooo” a voice cries from the left coast.

From the other room, a serenade of saxophone music begins and everyone’s calm.

-

And since it’s Christmas Eve, there are no games to watch as the evening begins and no one can stomach an endless loop of Zany Things Chuck And Matt and Leo and Jack have said.

“Screw the music, let’s put on Seinfeld reruns.”

“Are you crazy? The best of Dancing With The Stars is on. Look! There’s Sarah’s daughter. And The Hoff. And Rick Fox.”

“Yeah, but none of them are Clyde Drexler. Thankfully.”

“Wait, there’s some obscure British drama on, let’s watch that.”

“I don’t care what it is as long as they don’t have those stupid low-angle shots from the other end of the action.”

All kinds of nods of agreement and the TV gets turned off.

-

“Let’s sit and talk basketball.”

“What? No more Super Family? Mighty Yankees? The Smelly Ford Focus? Come on, what do you think this is, a place to discuss the intricacies of basketball every day? Surely you jest.”

“Don’t call me Shirley!”

“Okay, Jose sucks. And so does Andrea. And how in the name of whatever deity you worship is Jay Triano still employed? Can’t they get a real coach?”

“I don’t know, let’s ask Doug. He’s over there with his friend Stella. And Super Dog.” “Wait, Super Dog’s making googly eyes at Seraphina. Let them be.”

“What do you want to ask Doug for? He doesn’t know anything and if he said today was Friday, I’d say it’s Thursday because I’m a contrarian and he’s a dope. And I’d say it often.”

-

And now they repair to the table for The Feast.

“What should we have?”

“How about some pizza from that joint in Phoenix. Or red meat from Barberians? Or seafood from the place just off the Vatican wall in Rome; I know a guy who can help us order?”

“No. I want waffles?”

“Grr. No pucks allowed.”

-

The repast arrives and it’s delicious, no bun-tossing, several bottles of a robust red and a vegetarian sample for those among them who don’t appreciate a well-marbled ribeye.

All of a sudden, there arose such a clatter that they sprang to the feet to see what was the matter.

(Hmm, that’s a pretty good line, I should trademark it.)

And as they got to the living room, there he was:

Santa Grunt!

The kindly old gentleman sat down, opened his bag of tricks and went over the gift list:

To Bryan Colangelo

The stones of a riverboat gambler so he can make life interesting in January and February with some blockbuster moves. Or the patience of Job to sit through a dreary season of personal growth

Santa Grunt’s kind of on the fence with that one.

To Andrea Bargnani

Consistent drive and desire and eight rebounds a night so Santa Grunt can get some peace and quiet.

To Jay Triano

A guaranteed third year on his contract. There has to be a reward for this, doesn’t there?

To Beat Grunts in Toronto

Someone – anyone – who showers quickly after games so they can make deadline and is a great quote daily and has a spark of personality. Please.

To Jose Calderon

Good health, and a spike in the price of Spanish jamon. Oh, and the love and admiration of the guys who kill Santa Grunt for thinking he’s, you know, not the devil incarnate.

To Jerryd Bayless.

Rogaine? And the wisdom to realize the other guys in white or red can shoot, too.

To David Stern and Billy Hunter

The foresight to know not to kill the golden goose; and to make sure guys like Santa Grunt don’t have to write pucks next fall.

To DeMar DeRozan, Sonny Weems and Amir Johnson

May the Young Onez (whatever the heck that is) become this era’s Rat Pack. Oh, and consistently good play on the court, too.

To Solomon Alabi and Ed Davis

A Get Out Of Erie Free card.

-

And with that, Santa Grunt had to make his exit, off around the world to spread his own version of goodwill and good cheer to all the boys and girls who sit around breathlessly waiting for his arrival.

Either that or he had to go Christmas shopping.

But as he left – and he tried to go up the chimney but it was too narrow so he stumbled down the front steps – he turned with a twinkle in his eyes and said:

A Merry Christmas to all

And to all a good night.

(Oh, wait; I’ve heard that before, too).

You know what I mean.

 

 

Comments

[Julien]

Joyeux Noel from France :)

Blogger's note: Merci. And Merry Christmas

[Simon]

Even in Ottawa you have a daily reader. Good work Doug merry Christmas

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas

[Colin W]

Great post, loved it! Thanks for a great year. We have not always agreed but in the big scheme of things, basketball is still a game. From my house to yours, Merry Christmas.

Blogger's note: And from ours, to yours. Happy holidays

[pooks]

Hilarious Doug! Thanks for the time you put into that masterpiece! Also thanks for acknowledging us veggies.

Now relax and enjoy your family. Merry Christmas!

Blogger's note: Veggies have a place in everyone's life; Merry Christmas to you and yours

[Steve]

Merry Christmas Doug! Ditto to what David Morton said, thanks for all the smiles this morning.

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas, indeed

[DannyFromFreddy]

Thanks Doug. That was a nice Christmas present. Merry Christmas and Happy Festivus to you and yours and all fellow Irregulars! Now lt's all go get some fiber in our diets.

Blogger's note: You're welcome, and fiber is over-rated

[jc]

We do spend a lot of time here, eh? The read was a nice reward. Best wishes for a good year ahead.

Blogger's note: Best wishes, as well.

[Cluck Kent]

Merry Christmas Doug, to you and yours and thank you for a years worth of solid blogging work! And if you get the chance, say hi to Stella for me!

Blogger's note: And to you and yours as well; and I most certainly will say hello

[Dave G]

merry christmas to you and yours Doug!!!! Enjoy the well deserved break!! Hope your Chirstmas is the most enjoyable yet!! Thanks for everything you do!!

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas to you and yours, as well

[Joe]

Beautiful post today Doug. Thank you for keeping us informed, entertained, and level-headed all year round. I know that we can get on your nerves sometimes with our impatience, negative views, and dumb-founded opinions. Thank you for being patient with us. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family.

Blogger's note: And to yours as well

[Jeff]

Sounds like this piece was a long time coming - excellent way to end the year. Happy Holidays and safe travels covering our favourite HOTHC.

Blogger's note: Happy Holidays

[AT]

You rarely disappoint Doug!

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas

[Anthony Carr]

Thanks for that beautiful reading. Merry Christmas Doug. Hope the Super Family has a Wonderful Christmas and Properous New Year!!!

Blogger's note: And the same to you

[coachd]

A classic blog today. Merry Christmas to you Doug, your family and all the irregulars out there. Much peace and happiness to all.

Blogger's note: And the same to you

[SheikYurBouti]

Wow, such a creative piece! Thank you! Too much on my mind at the moment to say much more than ditto to just about every comment made here. Peace, and Happy Christmas to super family and all of this incredible family that's gathering in this blog.

Blogger's note: Peace. And best wishes

[ptboscott]

yeesh i know i'm a softy and all but is it a bit much that i just got a bit verklempt reading all the christmas cheer?? good little community here doug. have a great holiday and having lost my father 2 months ago i know that you and super family will have mixed emotions this time of year but hopefully there's a treasure-trove of memories to laugh at and good people to share a toast with! merry christmas.

Blogger's note: Am sure it'll be tough, but cherish memories and family that's with you

[Mr. Cook]

Merry Christmas to the finest beat grunt in sports, and to your family as well.

Blogger's note: Much appreciated and the best to yours

[vank]

Hahahahaha,
Just when I thought I was going to come here and see nothing.
Thanks for the Holiday Cheer:)

Blogger's note: You're more than welcome

[FPB]

Superfantastic post, sir. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Blogger's note: And to you and yours

[Mo]

Wow..
I'm reading this from Jerusalem (Best. City. Ever) and you just made my night :)

Merry Xmas to you and your family; you've entertained us all year long and this was the perfect icing on the cake.

Blogger's note: Enjoy. Merry Christmas

[Alicia]

And a Merry Christmas to the three-in-one Debbie Downers who frequent the blog who are expectedly absent in the holiday cheers once again. For on this day we wish everyone a warm and loving day of peace. And I encourage you three to try spreading a little holiday cheer. It's a harmless practice whether or not you share the culture.

And thank you Doug for working tirelessly to bring the Raps to us --good and bad -- while tempering some of the snark some of us deserve.

Blogger's note: Merry Christmas

[GM]

Such goodwill around these parts! Am I in the right place? Well played, sir. Have a great holiday.

Blogger's note: You, as well.

[Rob.V]

I know I'm really late today and this probably wont make it up however:

Thanks for the posts dude. Today's was great... however they're all great really so thank you for the entertainment all year long... it's much appreciated!!!

May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. Wish you lots of love, joy and happiness. MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and all of the irregulars.

[HopeCaper]

Merry Christmas Doug from the east coast down by the Bay of Fundy. We have no snow but some in the forecast. Couldn't get to your blog yesterday but have a minute to write this morning. All the best to you and yours and hopefully you find more around the tree than under it.

Blogger's note: And to you and yours

[Danno]

Merry Christmas Doug, Super Wife, Super Son and Super Dog and even to the Smelly Ford Focus! Just love your blog, Doug as well as your reporting in the Star. I can tell you are a person who understands what really matters in life .... we can have lots of fun with our Rap's ups & downs, but the really important stuff is all those Super People in each of our lives .... enjoy your time with your family during this special season!

Blogger's note: Thanks and Merry Christmas