I'm not sure which was worse on Dancing With the Stars on Monday night: the sight of Michael Bolton crawling out of an oversized dog house on his hands and knees in a ridiculous leopard print jacket or the 3 out of 10 that Bruno Tonioli gave his jive.
I'm not a DWTS expert, but has anybody got a 3 before? It certainly seemed to shock co-host Tom Bergeron. 
To my eyes, Michael's performance with Chelsie Hightower didn't look much worse than last week's wooden waltz, although it wasn't better either, but it really had Bruno hot and bothered.
He called it "probably the worst jive in 11 seasons."
That led Len Goodman, who had said the dance needed a pooper scooper to finish it up, to chastise Bruno: "You should keep some of the comments to yourself really because that is unfair." (Tom quipped later: "If you're just tuning in, you missed Len lecturing on how to be nicer, which has to be one of the signs of the apocalypse as far as I'm concerned.")
Carrie Ann Inaba tried to smooth things over by telling Michael she appreciated him pouring his heart and soul into the routine, but she could only muster a 4 out of 10 score herself. Combined with Len's 5, that put Bolton and partner Chelsie Hightower at the bottom of the scoreboard with 12 out of 30.
Will Michael go home? Hard to say. I would have figured Margaret Cho was an easy out last week, but David Hasselhoff got the chop instead.
Cho was still close to the bottom of the judges' scores this week as was Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino, but both brought their scores up, earning 18 out of 30, up from 15.
Mercifully, Margaret decided to play it straight, leaving the gold bat wings at home and going for a straight-ahead jive with partner Louis van Amstel.
In the rehearsal clips, Margaret said she wanted to "show people that I don't have to make jokes about myself, that I can truly dance."
And dance she did, not always in synch with Louis and not with the best technique, but much better than last week.
The judges commented on the improvement while making technical recommendations such as sharpening her kicks, not leading with her shoulders and keeping her facial expressions in check ("This is what my face is like, I can't help it," Margaret said).
I may be crazy, but I find The Situation's earnestness about the competition somewhat endearing. He certainly seemed to be trying hard in rehearsals and Bruno noted that he could see him counting and focusing during the routine, but he has a long way to go before he can "nail one," as he put it.
At least Karina Smirnoff didn't make him crawl out of a doghouse during their quickstep.
Carrie Ann recommended Situation get an iPod and use it constantly to improve his musicality while also noting that he's slightly pigeon-toed.
"For a difficult dance you did a good job, better than last week, so well done," Len said.
Another dancer who improved her score was Audrina Patridge.
Audrina went from the middle of the pack to second place after a quickstep with Tony Dovolani.
We learned from the rehearsal clips that Audrina's getting grief from her family and boyfriend over her demanding DWTS schedule. She tearily confessed to Tony that "it's really starting to cause friction between" her and her boyfriend.
But she turned that angst to her advantage in her quickstep, which was technically challenging and well executed.
"The show pony is turning into Secretariat," quipped Bruno.
Carrie commended Audrina for the "huge improvement" and Len said it was the best dance of the night to that point.
But the best was still to come as Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough did what Bruno called a "killer jive."
Proving that her Dirty Dancing prowess wasn't just a fluke, Jennifer did an extremely fast and complex routine, showing off her 50-year-old body in a barely there fringe dress that made me want to run to the gym. (Also of note, Jennifer showed Derek the scars in her neck from four surgeries to excise a cancer that was pushing on her spinal cord. Since the cancer was discovered during a physical for a previous season of DWTS, the show "was a catalyst for saving my life." She now has a plate and four screws in her neck.)
When the performance was over, she and Derek collapsed to the floor, where Tom joined them.
Carrie Ann said they deserved the break after the high energy performance. "You're kind of like this sexy, hot, energizing, bionic bunny out there dancing the jive," she said.
"Jennifer Grey, there was nothing grey about that," said Len. "It was bright, it was colourful, full-on, fabulous job."
Bruno noted that "the choreography was so difficult it was beyond belief and you nailed it. That was wicked."
Colour me impressed also by Brady mom Florence Henderson, who seems so genuinely thrilled to be on the show.
Determined not to be the funny old lady of the competition, Florence really threw herself into the quickstep with Corky Ballas.
It wasn't as technically challenging as Jennifer's or Audrina's, but c'mon, the woman's 76 and she was spinning and prancing across that floor at a pace that would wind folks half her age.
Len had perhaps the best compliment when he said he pays no attention to age but to the dancing and whether he wants to see the competitor return the following week: "On that performance I'll see you next week."
That brought a kiss for Len from Florence, with Tom quipping "I wouldn't think she went for older men."
The routine brought Florence and Corky's score up a point, to 19.
Also improving her score was Bristol Palin.
And yes, we got to see Mama Sarah Palin on Monday's show, first when Bristol took partner Mark Ballas on a visit to Alaska where Sarah declared herself starstruck at the sight of him and then in the studio audience (was it just coincidence the crowd could be heard booing in the background just before the camera turned to Tom interviewing Sarah?).
"It's great to see all this courage and joy and exuberance by every dancer," declared Mama Palin, who demurred when asked to name a favourite performance up to that point (Bristol hadn't danced yet). Asked to comment on the judges, she joked "You're not going to chew out the refs before your team is up."
Back to Bristol. The teen mom did a commendable job on her quickstep with Mark.
Len said the dancing was lovely but needed a little more flair and that Bristol was being a little bit careful.
Bruno recommended she become more of an actress while praising her "fresh, unaffected quality." And Carrie Ann said she had "a vulnerable, endearing spirit. I can't wait to see you come back week after week."
The routine vaulted her into a tie for third place with Kyle Massey.
Kyle was down a point and a notch in the scoreboard from last week, but his quickstep was still impressive.
The judges dinged him for technical errors like being flat-footed and not maintaining his frame, but Bruno called him "a powerhouse of boundless energy."
He's still impressing the heck out of me.
Meanwhile, the so-called battle of the big tall athletes heated up, with Rick Fox slipping a point and Kurt Warner gaining two to put the ex-NBA star and the ex-Super Bowl champ in a dead heat.
Rick and partner Cheryl Burke opened the show with a fun, spirited jive, which was all the more impressive considering Rick's dancing with the remnants of an injury to his left foot that ended his basketball career.
For a big tall guy, he did a tremendous job. Bruno said it was like "a Californian condor trying to dance with a hummingbird, but you actually did it."
"You have become a contender here. That was really good," said Len.
Carrie Ann agreed with the contender part but criticized Rick's posture, which brought boos from the audience.
Kurt, meanwhile, sloughed off Len's criticisms of the previous week, saying "I've been booed by thousands of people before so one old guy from England, I think I can handle that."
His jive with Anna Trebunskaya was enjoyable and had a lot of musicality to it.
Len didn't hold the old guy comment against Kurt, saying, "Last week for me it was the outhouse, tonight it's the penthouse."
Bruno was impressed by how Kurt placed his hands, which "are the size of frying pans," and said he can't wait to see how Kurt progresses during the competition.
Last but not least, singer Brandy lost some favour with the judges Monday, going from a second place score of 23 to tying for fourth with 21.
Maybe she spent too much time arguing with Maks Chmerkovskiy about proper training methods.
Their jive had some complex partnering but seemed to lack energy in spots.
Carrie Ann said there were places where it got a little sloppy and Len said it was a little bit brittle.
"Okay from you is not good enough because I know you can be superb," Bruno told Brandy.
Here are the scores going into Tuesday's results show:
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough: 24
Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani: 23
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer: 22
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas: 22
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke: 21
Brandy and Maks Chmerkovskiy: 21
Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya: 21
Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas: 19
Margaret Cho and Louis van Amstel: 18
The Situation and Karina Smirnoff: 18
Michael Bolton and Chelsie Hightower: 12
Results air at 9 p.m. on CTV and, as usual, you can catch the recap here.
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(The photo of Michael Bolton and Chelsie Hightower is by Adam Larkey for ABC and no, there weren't any photos of the leopard jacket on ABC's website.)
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