Thank God for Shawntel and her embalming room.
Brad's tour through her family's mausoleum enlivened what was otherwise a pretty uneventful episode of The Bachelor, as the eligible one visited the four remaining ladies' hometowns.
Brad sipped red wine and bonded with Chantal O.'s dad in his huge house in Seattle; ate poutine and lobster, and mastered a couple of French words with Ashley in Madawaska, Maine; flew a kite and played a board game with Emily and her daughter in Charlotte, North Carolina. But by and large, the dates followed a pretty predictable pattern: a happy reunion for Brad and whatever woman he was visiting; a profession of nerves as he prepared to meet the family; supposed obstacles to the relationship as each woman vowed she could never marry Brad without family approval; each family falling hook, line and sinker for Brad's Texas charm; Brad and the women parting with affectionate words, hugs and kisses; Brad deciding that he could see a future with each of the bachelorettes. 
The hometown visit to Shawntel in Chico, Calif., was a whole other kettle of fish ... or embalming fluid.
Brad got to stare into the maw of his own mortality as Shawntel showed off the family business, including the cremation furnace and the room where she embalms bodies. Brad even played corpse, lying down on the table while Shawntel showed off her scalpels and hooks and needles.
Sadly for Shawntel, right, her relationship with Brad met an untimely end and she was left roseless at the end of the night.
Let's talk about the dates one at a time:
lHope He Likes Changing Kitty Litter: Date No. 1 took Brad to Seattle, Wash., the home of executive assistant Chantal, 28. During his prologue, Brad confessed that "in a lot of ways I want Chantal O. to be my wife, but I have questions." What he really meant was the fact that Chantal could be smiling and flirty one minute and crying the next was freaking him out. "What I can't deal with in a relationship is an emotional roller coaster," said Brad. "I am hoping in Chantal's hometown I will see a much less emotional side."
Lucky for Brad, happy Chantal came out to play as they ran to each other across a field in a waterside park, and joined with hugs and a peck on the lips. Even Chantal's pets (two cats and a dog) were on their best behaviour. Mind you, her cat JC (or was it GC? I'm not sure) didn't look impressed, but at least no man flesh was shredded. And then there was Boca the Pomeranian, who settled into Brad's lap and solicited tummy rubs. "Chantal warned me that Boca may bite me, but Boca loves me, " said Brad. "Chantal was blown away by that. Hopefully Boca's a good judge of character because I want to be Boca's friend" (psst, Chantal, pets cannot be trusted in this regard; a pathologically shy cat of mine used to love an ex-boyfriend who later dumped me by email; at least it wasn't a Post-it note).
Once Brad had passed the animal test, it was time to try out the humans. He and Chantal were welcomed to her family's Mercer Island mansion where her businessman dad Mike, looking urbane in his purple shirt with his glass of red wine, bonded with Brad over the fact they were both self-made men (symbolized for former Seattle Seahawk Mike by a giant statue inside his house of a man carving himself out of a rock), both had relatives who were brick masons (I think) and neither got along with their fathers.
Chantal wisely saved her tears for her mom, Billie Jo, to whom she confessed that she loved Brad but feared getting hurt in the end. "You should trust your heart," advised Mom.
Mike was sold, telling Brad, "if you and Chantal have an opportunity to get married I would definitely give you my total blessing."
Brad and Chantal parted with a passionate smooch. "I don't want to leave you ... I'll miss you, okay?" Brad told her, adding to the camera, "I really, really see a future with Chantal, I truly do."
lHis Eyes Say Oui, His Lips Say Si: Next stop Madawaska, Me., a mostly French-speaking town of about 4,500 bordering New Brunswick, where Philadelphia dentist Ashley, 26, was waiting. There were no animals to impress. Brad's first test was to share a plate of fries, gravy and cheese curds, a.k.a. poutine, with Ashley in the restaurant where she worked in high school. Brad mixed up the Spanish word for yes, si, with the French one, oui, but he pronounced "poutine" correctly and allowed Ashley to hand-feed him, so it was all good by the time they sauntered off to a fruit and vegetable stand (wow, those crazy small-town people, they let customers leave money on an honour system, just imagine) and bought live lobsters for dinner.
Before the date, Brad was worried about Ashley second-guessing their relationship, but Ashley was practically bouncing off walls with excitement as the date progressed and she promised Brad she didn't want to waste any more time on reassurances about their mutual feelings. "This is the girl I fell for the very first time I met her," Brad declared.
"I'm feeling the closest I've ever been to falling in love with Brad," Ashley said.
Her dad, also named Mike I believe, mother Laurie and sister Chrystie were also pretty enamoured of Brad. "I really believe Brad and Ashley are building a great relationship," said Laurie. "He just seems to adore her, there's a sparkle in his eyes when he speaks of her. If Ashley is not in love with Brad she's getting there."
(I'm never quite sure, to be honest, why these families are so willing to match up their daughters with the various Bachelors, knowing he's going through the same pleasantries with the other girls' families and that the end result could very well be a broken heart.)
Ashley's dad threw up a couple of obstacles, namely Ashley's need to finish her dental schooling and the fact Brad's desire for children might scare her. I figure this will make a convenient excuse if Ashley is the one who gets dumped next week. Ashley herself was still being pretty cautious, telling her brother that she wouldn't say yes if Brad proposed right away. "I still think there's a lot more I need to know about him."
Meanwhile, it seemed like Brad was more in love with her family than Ashley herself. "I don't want to leave this family, I don't want to leave this home, I don't want to leave this town and I damn sure don't want to leave Ashley," he said. You'll note, however, that his declaration that "Ashley's the type of woman I can see myself with" was more abstract than what he said about Chantal, and they parted with a big hug but without a big smooch.
lTales From the Crypt: It could have been worse, though. Ashley could have got a kiss on the hand like the one Brad gave Shawntel after her hometown visit.
Their adventure began at the Newton-Bracewell Chico Memorial Mausoleum, the family business that Shawntel was seen advertising in a clip from a local commercial.
Brad had earlier described Shawntel, 25, as beautiful and unassuming and not a player of games. Mind you, I suppose having your date lie on an embalming table is a game of a sort. That was the highlight of the mausoleum tour, which also included looking at crypts, seeing the crematory and sitting in the room where families of the bereaved plan their funerals.
Brad alternated between discomfort ("Okay, I'm starting to freak out a little bit, I am") and admiration for Shawntel's passion for her work, while Shawntel was pretty stoked that Brad had agreed to lie on her prep table.
It made a good story at the dinner table with dad Rick, mom Colleen, and sisters Stephanie and Vanessa. But Rick was perturbed when Shawntel admitted that a proposal from Brad would mean moving to Austin, Texas, and ruining her father's plan for her to take over the family business. Still, that didn't stop him from giving his blessing to a potential marriage. "We want happiness for both of you and that's from our hearts," he told Brad and Shawntel.
Brad said he could picture himself being part of Shawntel's family, but when she confessed that she was in love with him as they parted, he responded with a kiss on the hand. Then they hugged and finally they kissed on the lips, but it wasn't a big smooch like Chantal got.
lThat's One Way to Stop Brad From Kissing: When it came time for Emily's hometown date, Brad had an even tougher job: never mind potential fathers-in-law, he had to charm her shy 5-year-old daughter Ricki. Last week's promo made it look like Ricki wanted no part of Brad, which would have put the kaibosh on his relationship with hospital event planner Emily, 24. But in actual fact all it took was some time and the gift of a butterfly kite for Ricki to warm right up to Brad. By the time the trio got to Emily's Charlotte, N.C., home they were playing Snakes and Ladders in Ricki's bedroom and Brad was helping tuck in the tot's stuffed monkey.
It was a perfect day all around except for one thing: Emily wanted to be kissed and Brad refused to pucker up with Ricki sleeping upstairs. "I want to kiss you," Brad explained. "I care enough about letting you know how much I respect you and your daughter. I want to hug you and not let go. I want to hug you, tell you goodbye and tell you I'll be thinking about you, and I hope you know that that means I care so much more than a kiss."
Yeah, not so much. Emily pointed out that "if this thing works out she'll always be upstairs sleeping." Brad finally relented on his way out the door and kissed Emily at length.
"My God, kissing this woman is so perfect," he said.
"This is definitely the happiest I've been in a really, really long time," Emily said. "I am definitely ready for Brad to change my life forever."
lEvery Episode Has Its Rose Ceremony: Looking back over the show, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Shawntel wasn't getting a rose. Host Chris Harrison, playing devil's advocate once Brad was back in New York, pointed out that Ashley was the only woman who didn't express love for Brad that week, but Brad said he was basing his decision on his feelings, not the women's.
As it turned out, Ashley got the first rose (is Brad still playing to her ambivalence?), followed by Emily and Chantal.
Shawntel was shocked but made a classy exit. "I have so much respect for you and I wish you all the happiness in the world. You're just so great," she told Brad as he delivered her to her limo.
"I think he's so perfect," Shawntel said from inside the limo. "I've never really been treated like that in a relationship. This is how a woman should be treated. I hope I meet someone like him, who treats me like a princess."
Brad, who insisted on holding hands with Shawntel and rubbing her knee as they talked on the terrace (note to Brad: that just makes the rejection worse), told her he cared for her, but "I didn't feel the way a man should feel when he hears you tell him that you love him."
(As an aside, Shawntel's exit seemed much more civil than Michelle's last week, but Michelle told the media in a conference call, which I missed but saw the transcript of, that she and Brad actually had a "positive conversation" before she left, but it wasn't shown on TV. Her lying down in the limo was about feeling carsick, not trying to stay silent, she said.)
Next week, Brad and the final three women travel to South Africa. If the promos are to be believed, it looks like Ashley is still having doubts about Brad's feelings and that Emily is having doubts about Brad's ability to be a stepfather, but I really don't believe the promos. There's also a hint that Emily declines the offer to spend the night with Brad in the fantasy suite, but like I said, I don't believe the promos.
What you can believe is that I'll be watching next Monday at 8 p.m. on Citytv and recapping the episode right here.
(The photo of Shawntel is by Craig Sjodin for ABC.)
Recent Comments