Survivor: South Pacific - The weak shall evade the vote (spoiler alert)
So what's Coach got that Ozzy doesn't have?
A more obedient alliance, for starters.
Ozzy was fuming at the beginning of Wednesday's episode, declaring himself a free agent and blurting out that he had the hidden immunity idol, all because his alliance went behind his back and got his gal pal Elyse voted out.
Coach was also facing a potential mutiny on Wednesday, but he managed to swing the one vote he needed to have tribal council go his way.
We're not talking Boston Rob-style control here, but so far Coach still has the upper hand.
On Savaii, however, things were tense when the castaways returned from the tribal council where Elyse's torch was snuffed.
"I'm done playing the alliance way," announced Ozzy. "I'm now what's called a free agent and I'm playing for myself and you guys can play for yourselves." And also, "I have the idol. How about that?" Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.
Seriously? This is his third time playing and that's his big power move? To reveal his trump card too soon?
Ozzy was still pissed the next morning, so he took his marbles and went fishing. He wasn't a team player anymore, but he was still intent on feeding everyone.
His absence gave the others a chance to talk about him behind his back.
"Seriously, what a child. We've known him for 14 days," said Jim.
"We need him to man up and get over it," added Whitney.
"He's just behaving like a stupid bitch," contributed Cochran, secretly thrilled with how unlikable Ozzy was making himself.
Unfortunately for Cochran, it didn't last. Ozzy realized his temper tantrum would cost him, so he made up with Keith and apologized to the rest of the tribe for being a jerk.
That was fine with Jim. As long as Ozzy helped the team win challenges, he was happy to take him to the merge. "After the merge, he's a bigger target than me. There's nothing more I could want from somebody on my team," Jim smiled.
Over on Upolu, Coach was sitting about as pretty as one could sit when one hasn't showered or changed clothes for 15 days.
He had the hidden immunity idol, he had Albert and Sophie to keep his secret, he had Edna to walk on his back and help him find coconuts, and he had enough sense not to tell Brandon about the idol.
The oblivious Brandon managed to come up with a clue to the idol's whereabouts by searching in a "weird-looking tree." Then he went on a single-minded hunt for the idol, rushing hither and thither, climbing every tree he could find, even wading knee-deep in mud.
It was all too much for Coach, who said seeing Brandon running around like that reminded him of Uncle Russell Hantz, which, in turn, reminded Coach of "the horrible nightmares that I lived through on Heroes and Villains. It scares me, it scares the heck out of me."
Meanwhile, at the Redemption Island duel, Elyse was facing what was sure to be a losing battle against Christine as they played a version of shuffleboard.
And we got to see two sides of Christine. She cried and complained to Jeff Probst, "Redemption Island can break you." But when former tribe mate Rick shouted out encouragement, Christine gave him the finger while pretending to scratch her nose, so I guess she's not that broken.
Anybody out there surprised that Christine knocked all Elyse's pucks off the board and won her fourth duel? Yeah, me neither.
It's finally starting to dawn on her former tribe mates that having Christine return from Redemption Island could be a nightmare for them. "She's gonna come back smokin', ready to kill us," noted Rick. Ya think?
From a duel to a challenge: as Jeff would say, immunity was "back up for grabs."
Continuing in this season's tradition of complex challenges, the teams had to assemble wooden wheelbarrows, take them through an obstacle course, dump two loads of coconuts into the barrows, unload those into a trough, then the wheelbarrows had to be rebuilt into slingshots, to be used to fire the coconuts at targets. First team to knock down all six targets won immunity, a trip to the "sliding rocks" water attraction and another hidden clue to the hidden immunity idol.
Things started badly for Savaii. Ozzy and Dawn kept running the wheelbarrow into instead of through the obstacles; untying the knots securing the loads of coconuts proved difficult, as did dumping them into the trough.
Upolu had a huge lead, but then Savaii caught up and started hitting targets. Albert was doing the job for Upolu, but Mikayla kept doing this weird one-handed throw and hitting nothing (is that how they do it in lingerie football?). Coach kept telling her to rest, but she kept ignoring him and throwing and missing.
Savaii won, which gave them a chance to bond over food and the exhilaration of the natural water slide. Even Cochran hauled his skinny, white butt to the top and slid down, despite telling Dawn, "I'm a sparkling water person." The castaways were doing team cheers and Ozzy was declaring, "Six to the end, man!" Ha, we'll see how long that lasts.
Back at Upolu, Coach didn't need the afternoon to figure out who was going home. "It's Mikayla's fault we lost," he groused. "I need people in the heat of battle to listen to me."
But Albert didn't get that memo. He told Mikayla he'd "go to war" for her to keep her safe from Coach and Brandon.
You can't fault his thinking. He wanted to keep the woman best able to help win challenges (as long as she doesn't have to throw) and get rid of Edna, whom Mikayla described as "half my size and almost double my age."
On top of that, Albert didn't trust Edna because she was smart and likely to be tactical.
If you doubt that, just check out the subservient woman shtick she's been pulling on Coach: "cozying up next to" him, as she put it, with Coach telling her she was "adorable" and "my little friend."
(It's going to be fun once he figures out she's smarter than him, isn't it?)
There was no way Coach would consent to cast off Edna for the disobedient Mikayla. He explained to Albert that "if you were to tell her at the merge, 'Edna, I want you to follow Ozzy even when he goes to take a sh--,' she'd do it.
And he had backup from Upolu's other "good Christian man," Brandon, but not for the reasons you might think.
Brandon no longer considers Mikayla the whore of Babylon, apparently, but he'd given his word to Edna he wouldn't vote against her, so that was that.
There was a lively discussion at tribal council as to whether it was better to keep players who could win challenges and get to the merge, or players who'd stay loyal after the merge.
Sophie and Albert were all for strength in numbers; loyalty was key to Coach and Brandon.
So far, so predictable, but luckily Brandon was game to cram his feet into his mouth again.
He complained that being divided wasn't loyalty. "Vote me out today if we're gonna play disloyal," he exclaimed as Jeff's eyes widened, "because money, you can throw it in that fire and it will be gone. Character, you'll live with for the rest of your life," Li'l Hantz insisted.
Coach, at Jeff's urging, tried to explain that one can be too honest and some things have to be kept hidden for a time, "but it doesn't mean you're being disloyal or being dishonest" -- no doubt thinking about what he himself was keeping from Brandon.
But Brandon was having none of it. "People get the misconception that we can tell a half lie or a little bit of a lie," he said. "Oh, it's just a game; oh, it's just a cigarette; oh, it's just a little bit of marijuana; oh, it's just a little bit, you know that's lasciviousness, but there's no grey. It's black or white, period."
Yep, sounds like Uncle Russell alright (except that I can't imagine Russell saying, "lasciviousness").
In the end, swing voter Rick sided with Coach instead of Albert and Mikayla was off to Redemption Island. Coach most definitely did not try to hug her, but he and Brandon had a moment, with Coach putting a fatherly hand on Brandon's shoulder and Brandon saying, "I love you too, man."
Boy, just wait until Brandon finds out that Coach has been disloyal by not sharing his secret about the immunity idol. I'm sure the resulting hissy fit will make Ozzy's look like a fart in a windstorm.
Judging by next week's promo, it looks like Coach is already anticipating the time when he'll need to put "a bullet" in Brandon's head. I'm guessing he won't pull the trigger just yet, though, which is all the better for us.
I'll be watching next Wednesday at 8 p.m. on Global and recapping it here.