Survivor: One World - Blame it on the boobs (spoiler alert)
There is no battle of the sexes happening on Survivor: One World; it's just a massacre.
The men are wiping the jungle with the women and there's no end in sight, not when the ladies are more intent on keeping alliances than using their brains as well as their brawn to win challenges.
As a stern Jeff Probst warned the Salani team at the end of their second tribal council in a row, "We're only five days in, but you're two tribe members down and you've yet to win a challenge. You've got to get it together."
My first thought when I saw Wednesday's immunity challenge was that it had been chosen specifically to give the women an advantage. You'd figure the ladies would find squeezing past each other on a narrow balance beam easier than the bulkier men.
But you'd figure wrong. The men quickly hit on a method and got their players across. There were a few boo-boos that necessitated jumping into the water and starting again, but that hardly mattered since the women were so hopelessly behind. By the time the men won, only one woman had made it across the beam.
While it seems like female castaways get more pneumatic with every season, ex-cop Nina hit on the real answer: "It's just the way it's been going for us these last five days, no communication, no teamwork, same old story."
Oh well, they sort of communicate if you count those tribal meetings that appointed leader Sabrina keeps calling, which don't seem to accomplish anything useful.
At least, Sabrina has a colourful way of expressing herself. "We need a tarp like a fat kid needs cake," she said, after the women lost the DIY reward challenge (boxes containing thick bundles of rope were delivered to camp, which had to be hauled out and untied with the tarp as the prize).
To be honest, I don't even much care if this group keeps losing. Who is there to root for on Salani, besides maybe Kim and Chelsea? Monica seems too earnest, Kat too immature and Alicia too much of a word that rhymes with witch.
Christina seemed like a decent sort, but then she voted to oust Nina, who was supposedly in Christina's alliance with Monica and the departed Kourtney (although to be fair, Monica also turned on Christina).
Christina's days are numbered anyway. Alicia pretended to make up with her after their argument at last week's tribal council but then confided to the camera, "Please, if i saw her swimming in an ocean and she was drowning I'd probably look the other way."
We could talk about the men's Manono tribe, but there's not much going on there, unless you count Tarzan (a.k.a. Greg) dancing around the campfire in a Speedo as if he'd watched one too many LMFAO videos. Shudder.
There was at least bit of intrigue involving Colton. After the women told him he couldn't come play at their camp anymore, despite his tears, he confided to the "misfits" on the men's tribe (Jonas, Troy, Leif, Tarzan) that he had an immunity idol, given to him by Sabrina last episode.
The plan is for Colton to play the idol at the men's first tribal council and then the misfits will vote off "the muscle," as Troy calls Matt, Mike, Jay and Bill.
Of course, that assumes the men get to a tribal council, which is far from a sure thing.
At their own tribal, the women jettisoned Nina's life experience and physical ability to keep ditzy Kat around, the youngest tribe member at 22.
Among the encouraging things the women learned about Kat at tribal: she feels her contribution to the tribe is "I'm outdoors and I do sales and I work with people all the time" (as a timeshare representative); and she never fails because "I usually don't try anything unless I know I'm gonna succeed."
Sure, I'd keep that over 13 years experience on the LAPD, wouldn't you?
Kim, who seems to be calling some of the shots on Salani, reasoned that it was more important for the other women in her alliance to trust her than to punish Kat for her total ineptitude in the immunity challenge (not only was she unable to squeeze past more than one person on the balance beam, she kept jumping into the water when she didn't have to, slowing everybody else down).
That alliance could be a moot point soon, anyway, if the men keep winning, which they seem poised to do.
The promo for next week's episode showed the women shivering in the rain with no fire and the men refusing to give them an ember to get one going. That's hardly conducive to winning challenges, especially if the women remain divided and unable to work together effectively.
All will be revealed. Tune in next Wednesday at 8 p.m. on Global and look for the recap here.
And tell me, what do you think of this season so far. You can comment here, tweet me @realityeo or visit my Facebook page.
(The photo of Nina is by Monty Brinton for CBS.)