Programming note and summer reading list

I’ll be off on vacation for a couple of weeks and I hope you’ll join me again when I get back to work July 20. If I get back and find out you’ve found a new blog, I’ll be really sad and cry a lot.
While I’m gone, you’ll have plenty of time to get through the books on your assigned summer reading list. Pretty much every book here is violent and funny — the two most important requirements of great literature. The books are not in any particular order or rank, because I'm not all that organized.
1) Charlie Huston The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death While you’re at it, just read everything by Charlie Huston. Go on. I am utterly infatuated with his talent. As a matter of fact, I may just cancel my vacation plans and just go stalk him instead.
2) A. Lee Martinez Monster There are remarkably few books out there concerned with both the meaning of life and the safe disposal of dead Yetis. This is one of the few.
3) Warren Ellis Crooked Little Vein I may have mentioned before that this novel caused me to laugh out loud on the streetcar. You don’t ever want to sit alone and laugh out loud on the streetcar. Read  at home.
4) Christopher Moore’s A Dirty Job Of all the Christopher Moore books that I love, I love this the most. Evil babies, reluctant reapers and omnivorous hell dogs! You can’t go wrong.
5) Jim Butcher The entire Dresden series. I think there are 10 or 11 books now, and if you’ve never tried urban fantasy before this series is a delightful, going-down-easy gateway drug.
6) Garth Ennis Preacher. My favourite comic books ever. That’s all.
7) Bear with me for a moment here. Yes, Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series is romance. But it’s also time travel and sex and severed limbs and espionage and festering sores. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve read the first book over and over again. It’s my I-have-nothing-else-to-read go-to book. Furthermore - I’m not going to name names - but I guarantee you that I know persons of the male persuasion who have ploughed through the whole series. The seventh book, An Echo In The Bone, will be published Sept. 22 and I'm so excited I could pee my pants.  
8) Stephen Baxter Flood All right, there’s nothing funny about this one. It’s pretty much bleak city from the first page and it just gets worse from there, but the doomsday tale of what happens when earth is flooded is grimly compelling. Shouldn’t be read on a rainy day.
9) Martin Miller The Lonely Werewolf Girl It’s kinda silly and sorta for young adults, but also, you know, about a lonely werewolf girl.
10) Charles Dickens Nicholas Nickleby. My favourite Dickens.
And speaking of Dickens, I was going to bring Dan Simmons’ Drood with me on vacation, but couldn’t find the trade paperback anywhere on short notice. And 700 pages of hardcover is not a good travel choice. Instead, I will finally read The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo, plus four-five books too trashy and embarrassing to even mention. And if I’m saying that, you know it’s true.

PS: To all you sweet people who are attempting to friend me on Facebook, I just want you to know (again) that I'm not ignoring you just to be rude. I just don't use the account at all. Ten hours working in front of a computer every day leaves little desire to spend any of my spare time in front of one. I prefer to work on my two hobbies: Gourmet cooking and freelance assassinations.

The Jackson plot thickens

Now it looks like that shining, gleaming pillar of motherhood, Debbie Rowe, wants custody of her kids after the possibility of lots of money all. TMZ reports that, "Debbie Rowe will fight for custody of Paris and Michael Jr., the children born during her marriage to Michael Jackson -- this, according to NBC 4 in Los Angeles. According to the NBC 4 website, Rowe said during a 90-minute phone conversation, "I want my children." Rowe says she will seek a restraining order to keep Joe Jackson away from the children. Rowe also says she'll submit to a DNA test to prove she's the biological mother."

Video of Jackson rehearsing on June 23:

Some annoying woman is all over David Beckham

... for an upcoming Armani campaign.

Gwyneth is the greenest green that ever greened

It's a testament to how irritating Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP is that she can, with one small newsletter, make you want to buy a car just for the purpose of polluting and running down small woodland creatures.

“Going green” is no longer just the ideology of left-wing hippies. Filthy, dirty things that they are. Nor is it a trend. Then what is your interest in the matter? We are living in exciting times. We are confronted with the challenge of sustaining our food, our water and our environment. We are changing things. It’s big. Monstrously big or just enormously big? You know a movement is afoot when Windex imposes a “green list” to regulate what goes into their products and Reynolds Wrap launches an aluminum foil made out of recycled, well, aluminum. I'm sorry. I nodded off. The more commercial it goes, the better off we all are, and not only from an ecological and environmental standpoint. Design-wise, inspiring options are becoming available. It’s a win-win. Except for those of us who have to read this.
Then she goes on to list a bunch of products we should all buy to make ourselves believe there's any hope of getting out of this mess. (I'm not going to list them all because then I may have to shoot myself):

Worldchanging: A Users Guide for the 21st Century $24.75: This book is the essential guide to creating sustainable solutions for today’s problems. Their proactive suggestions inspire you to change your behavior and be more conscious of the choices you are making and their impact on the earth. I hear it has a fantastic plot and a great protaganist fighting zombies. 
Stella McCartney Eco Collection Ranges from $435 to $1535: Stella has just launched a capsule collection of clothes made from 100% organic cotton and recycled materials. They are edgy and feminine in that perfectly Stella way. I'm so buying some of that. If I don't eat for 10-12 months I can probably afford an undershirt. Thank you again Gwyneth for great advice to ordinary people.
Jamie Oliver Organic Pocket Seed Packs £5.00: I worship Jamie Oliver and he has created these small organic pocket seed packs that help you grow your own herbs. These will save you from buying herbs at astronomical prices that have been imported from thousands of miles away. Why would anyone import astronomical prices? I don't get. Also, you could, you know, buy seeds for 99 cents at Wal-Mart. 
KOR Hydration Vessel $29.95: This brings a whole new meaning to the term “water bottle.” The KOR hydration vessel is BPA- free, has an easy to use hinge-cap, a rubber nonslip bottom and encourages you to never drink out of a disposable plastic bottle ever again. A "hydration vessel?" Really? May I suggest you stick it up your "backside disposal area?"
Serve Time: If you want to help protect and beautify your immediate environment you can get your hands in the dirt and help plan a community garden or throw a coat of a paint on a park nearby, "a coat of a paint?" And why would you want to paint the park? I doubt it's conducive to the growth of grass and trees check out servicenation.org for volunteer and service opportunities in environmental areas. 

Un-exciting Entourage trailer

Would you like to see a squirrel eat a lemon?

A few Michael Jackson updates

I'm sure you're already up on all the details of the will, which was filed yesterday. If not, you can go to CNN, where they're so on top of this story, they even tracked down Bubbles.

Needlemarks and drug aliases TMZ has these prescription updates: "Michael Jackson used a slew of aliases to score prescription meds, and we know the two names that could unlock the key to gross abuse by Jackson and some prominent doctors. We've learned Jackson frequently used the names Omar Arnold and Jack London to get powerful drugs, including Demerol. Jackson also used the name of one of his bodyguards, as well as the name of the office manager for one of his doctors. The DEA, which is joining to assist the LAPD in its investigation of several doctors who prescribed drugs to Jackson, will be hunting down these names and others. Sources tell us the prescription abuse was so egregious, one doctor would call the pharmacy and say Jackson was coming down to get Demerol. The pharmacy would then fill the prescription, leaving the patient's name blank."
Furthermore, "Multiple sources tell TMZ Michael Jackson's body had dozens of injection sites all over his body. As we first reported, Propofol, a powerful anesthesia, was found in the house after Jackson died. Various medical experts tell us there is absolutely no medical justification for Jackson to have had this drug in his home -- it is used to knock people out before surgery. It is administered through an IV. It is increasingly looking like Propofol may have caused Jackson to go into cardiac arrest and die. The doctors we spoke with say it's reckless for any doctor to supply Jackson with Propofol and especially reckless to administer it to him at home ... Criminal manslaughter is defined as the reckless disregard for human life. The talk in law enforcement - this case seems to fit the bill."

What a delightful woman. She'll look splendid in a silver foil hat From E! "A woman who claims to be Michael Jackson's ex-wife is arguing that the late King of Pop's "properties, monies and assets must be transferred to [her] immediately." That, and she should get physical and legal custody of all three of Jackson's children because she is their biological mother—a claim she repeatedly presse in 2006 and 2007 in several failed attempts at getting custody and financial support. Per documents filed Wednesday in Los Angeles Superiro Court, Nona Paris Lola Jackson is also demanding that Jackson's body, which a source told us is currently in cold storage at L.A.'s Forest Lawn cemetary, be returned to the coroner's office. After which she should be flown to Los Angeles and put in charge of future negotiations with AEG Live regarding any upcoming tribute concerts or other business ventures. Nona Paris, who is representing herself in these preceedings, detailed all of this—including the claim that she and Jackson are still married because the deceased, "though died to this earth...lives with my father (Satan the devil) Khalid Lucifer"—in 93 handwritten pages. On Earth, however, they legally separated in 2008, according to the filing. The petitioner also demands that "her" children be taken care of by Taj Jackson until she is able to take custody of them. And she wants the entire Jackson family out of "her" Encino home because she doesn't want them around the kids. The court told her not to call them, that they'd call her, and scheduled a hearing on the matter for Aug. 19."

Bake your own bread

Heidi and Spencer: Even more moronic than you thought

This from Us Magazine:
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag Pratt shared some controversial views on a radio show earlier this week. In a Monday appearance on Alex Jones' radio show, Infowars, the couple revealed they feel 9/11 was an "inside job," say the idea that global warming exists is "mind boggling" and lament the "end of humanity." The end of humanity would be sad and all, but as it would also mean the end of Heidi and Spencer, I think you'll agree it's a small price to pay. The Pratts told Jones - who is known for his conspiracy theories of a "New World Order" (or, as he feels, code for "totalitarian world government") - they found out about him after a music producer gave them a copy of Jones' movie, The Obama Deception. "I really do feel like we took the blue pill or whatever from The Matrix," Spencer says. Even the robot overlords of the Matrix would get rid out him. No nutritional value. Since then, says Heidi: "We've been nonstop researching the Internet...for information for at least a month all day every day." "How are we so famous when...there's been nothing about the biggest bill since the Patriot Act being passed, [the Cap-and-Trade bill, which regulates carbon output, among other environmental issues] and nobody reading it," Spencer questions. "It's mind-boggling trying to say there's global warming right now." You have to excuse Spencer. He thinks global warming is a coven of devil-worshipping witches sitting around a giant cauldron, petting their black cats while throwing Christians on the fire. Jones also brings up the idea of human microchip implantation to erase the need for credit cards or identification. Heidi is troubled by the idea. "This is very serious. It says in the Bible this is the mark of the beast, and that is a sign of worshipping the Devil. So over my dead body would I ever get a chip in my body," she says. Don't worry Heidi. Me and my fellow Satanists have a secret list of people we don't want implanted because we want you to perish in the Global Warming Cauldron. You are, like, number three, just behind Pat Boone and those annoying missionaries who keep ringing my door bell on the weekend. "My body belongs to Jesus Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus, and I will speak out to Christians....this chip is the end of humanity." Heidi also admits she's now "very scared" of birth control. I beg you, Heidi. Take the bleeping birth control. Your child could open the seventh seal. "I feel like God was telling me that this was something just created by the government that is really bad for my body, and I was just getting sick," she says. "I researched it, and one of the founding people who invented birth control said it was the worst thing they had ever done, they wished they'd never created it, how it morally corrupted society, it's just sickening to him. How it devalues women, how it causes depression, how it can cause cancer, how it sterilizes your body, and what it does to your body, how most women are suicidal sometimes on it." Spencer backs up Jones' belief that 9/11 was an "inside job." "From your research, it 100 percent is," Spencer says, adding later: "I want to throw up." Me too, but for oh so different reasons. He also compares The Hills to the government. "The narrator [Lauren Conrad] didn't get along with us. She skewed the information on the show, just like the American government can manipulate the media," he says. "We used to have a phenomenal relationship with the media, they've kind of turned on us now because they've created us into such a monstrous thing... like they made us too big, like they Obama-sized us...." Heidi says her new beliefs will be taken "very seriously" because, "I've always been a very serious Christian, and most Christians understand what's going on. They understand they're being persecuted. They understand this is the end of the world. They understand the New World Order, the One World Currency, is all in Revelations in the Bible, so they're taking me very seriously and they know when I mean something, that it's a message."Even Miley Cyrus is in on the "awakening," Heidi and Spencer say, after they put it on Twitter. Paging Billy Ray. Paging Billy Ray! Time to do some real-life parenting. Heidi doesn't expect everyone to agree with her new views. "Conspiracy is a word they've created to make people sound crazy, but that's not what God says," she says. "You can persecute us, you can say whatever you want. "Spencer is so changed, he says, his "first rap album is going to be called Infowars." "My first single, I'm pretty sure is going to be called 'Patriot Act,'" he adds. Spencer tells Usmagazine.com of his appearance on the show: "We get very passionate and excited talking about the New World Order with Alex Jones. The Fourth of July has me extra excited with the energy of our founders!" I feel kinda cheated that they didn't explain to me how the world-spanning Masonic-Zionist Flouride Cabal faked the moon landing. They clearly need to study harder.

AP FILE PHOTO

While you were sleeping

This is the kind of nonsense people do when they aren't allowed to have sex Kevin Jonas (I think he's the ugly one, but I really have no idea) has gotten himself engaged at age 21. That's great and it will last forever and ever like a fairytale come true. According toPeople, "Kevin Jonas surprised his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa by showing up at her doorstep in New Jersey early Wednesday morning and dropping down to his knee to ask her to marry him. Presented with a cushion-cut diamond ring that Jonas designed with Jacob & Co., Deleasa couldn't believe what was happening. Then, "She said yes, yes, yes like 500 times super fast in a row," the oldest of the Jonas Brothers tells People exclusively."

RIP, Karl Malden From theNew York Times: "Karl Malden, the Academy Award-winning character actor who for more than 60 years brought an intelligent intensity and a homespun authenticity to roles in theater, film and television, from “A Streetcar Named Desire” to “The Streets of San Francisco,” died on Wednesday at his home in Los Angeles. He was 97. His family announced his death to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which Mr. Malden served as president from 1989 to 1992. The announcement said family members were present when he died of natural causes in his home in the Brentwood section." This celebrity dying epidemic can stop at any time now.

Bradley Cooper on date with Renee Zellweger Seems like just last week that he took Jennifer Aniston out. (She's at home right now eating icecream out of the container while crying). According to OK!, Bradley and Renee ate together Tuesday. "The pair, who co-star in the upcoming Case 39, were spotted together at Antonucci, an elegant Italian restaurant on NYC's posh Upper East Side, where one diner tells OK! that this was no friendly chow session. "He pulled her chair out for her when she sat down and he kissed her on the hand," says the witness. "If they're just friends, they were being awfully affectionate!"