Have a lovely Labour Day weekend

Here's little film from Chris Kattan's Canine Theatre. That's, oddly enough, not as horrible as it sounds. Enjoy your long weekend and don't forget to check out the Mamma Mia! sing-along.

Canine Theater: Terrible Trio

Afternoon delights

There has been complete radio silence from any and all Lohans all day. I feel bereft. Also, no updates on what prompted David Duchovny to check himself into rehab for sex addiction. Furthermore, TMZ's brand-new campaign to make us believe Jessica Biel may have a wee Timberbake in the oven, seems awfully contrived. What else? The choice of Sarah Palin and her scary hair as Republican candidate for the vice-presidency really doesn't belong here, but her do creeps me out, so I'm posting a picture. I'm also betting Kristin Wiig of Saturday Night Live is studying that hair pretty closely right about now.

Oh wait, here's something interesting: Poor, sad Jen is going to guest star on 30 Rock. No? Not interesting? How about Kim Kardashian's toe hurts? 

What is going on here?

A) That much-feared alien invasion is turning out to be kinda cool. B) Sad, displaced Cirque du Soleil refugees are looking for asylum. C) The mermaid to the left is really envious that the one to the right has a really nifty squiggly head thingy. D) It's time for the 2008 World Body Painting Festival in Daegu, South Korea. AHN YOUNG-JOON/AP PHOTO

Joel McHale has a crush on Spencer Pratt; I have a crush on Joel McHale

While you were sleeping

So, apparently, Californication is an autobiographical narrative of David Duchovny's life The X-Files actor has entered rehab for sex addiction. According to People, he's issued a statement saying, "I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction. I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family." Meanwhile, Us digs out this nugget from a 1997 Playgirl article: "I'm not a sex addict. I have never been to those meetings. It's hurtful to my family and if I was involved with a woman in a monogamous relationship, it would be hurtful to her. There was another story claiming I was a neat freak. If I had to choose one of the two, I think I'd rather be a sex addict. It's not funny and I'll be glad when it goes away."

Michael Lohan's father dies; Michael Lohan sinks to new low One would think the death of a parent would be time for private grief, but Lindsay Lohan's dad used the death yesterday of Lindsay's grandfather as an excuse to issue the following statement to OK!: "My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina's attorney. Let's see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral. THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that's par for the course with Dina! She didn't even send a card or visit when he was sick." This capped off a couple of days of sniping that started when Michael attacked Lindsay's girlfriend. You can catch up here and here. Let's hope this death does not in any way impede Michael's planned television show, which he somehow also found time to announce yesterday. He said to TV Guide he plans to tell all about his ex-wife's "lies."

For Twilight fans only Stephenie Meyer's unfinished manuscript for her Twilight companion book, Midnight Sun, was leaked sometime this week. She's decided to abandon the project and make legally available unfinished draft. She says, "I'd rather my fans not read this version of Midnight Sun. It was only an incomplete draft; the writing is messy and flawed and full of mistakes. But how do I comment on this violation without driving more people to look for the illegal posting? It has taken me a while to decide how and if I could respond. But to end the confusion, I've decided to make the draft available here (at the end of this post). This way, my readers don't have to feel they have to make a sacrifice to stay honest. I hope this fragment gives you further insight into Edward's head and adds a new dimension to the Twilight story. That's what inspired me to write it in the first place." Check it out here.  

You're so old that ...

... you can’t possibly expect us to believe you don’t sometimes miss your face. Michael Jackson turns 50 today. Other birthdays include director Richard Attenborough (85), director William Friedkin (73), actor Elliott Gould (70), TV personality/host thingy Robin Leach (67), actress Rebecca De Mornay (46), musician Me’Shell NdegeOcello (39), actress Carla Gugino (37), Kyle Cook of Matchbox Twenty (33), actor John Hensley (31), and David Desrosiers of Simple Plan (28).

Michael Lohan absolutely refuses not to speak

That didn't take long. First Michael Lohan attacked Lindsay's girlfriend Samantha Ronson, then Lindsay bit back saying daddy is out of control, then Samantha posted her opinion, then Lindsay again. The whole sorry, enthralling saga is here. Now Michael has gotten on the horn with ABC News to further explain himself (and enjoy the dulcet tones of his own voice).

Choice excepts of his diatribe include: "Who's out of control? Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. Going from place to place, being dragged around by Samantha so she can make more money off of Lindsay being there when she spins ... She's gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who's out of control?"

"I want Lindsay to be in a good place. When I started looking at what Samantha was doing, dragging Lindsay to clubs, drinking around Lindsay ... Samantha is one of the biggest problems in her life. That's what Dina told me. I'm reacting on what Dina said, but then Dina steps out of the picture because she wants to look like the good guy."

Dina, Dina, Dina, when will we hear from you? 

I have a confession

I own Kid Rock's super-selling album Rock 'N Roll Jesus and I quite like it. There. I said it. It's been a real burden listening in secret, turning my iPod down to low so that no one on the subway would know. I still think Kid Rock is greasy and unattractive, though. Just wanted to make that clear. Here he is in Detroit yesterday working on a video for "Roll On." RAMAIN BLANQUART/AP PHOTO

Afternoon delights

Boringest movie ever Aaron Sorkin is apparently working on a movie about Facebook. Here's his own Facebook page, from which we can glean that he doesn't really know what he's doing. Or exactly what Facebook is. Or anything really. Maybe it's a prank. Let's hope it's a prank.

And speaking of boring movies As of right now it looks like you're better off spending Labour Day weekend at the Ex than at the movies. Rotten Tomatoes lists Traitor as rotten with 52 per cent positive reviews. Hamlet 2 just made it to the 60 per cent mark to qualify for fresh. And Babylon A.D., which has even been reviled by it's own director, has zero per cent fresh review. Poor Vin Diesel. Alleged comedies, College and Disaster Movie, have not been screened for critics, for which I'm sure they're grateful.

Least boring movie ever made Jason Statham says of Crank 2, "They locked themselves in a room for three days with five bottles of tequila and wrote the most offensive, outrageous script I've ever read." More here.

Surprise! Tommy Cruise says things are going well for Katie "Things are going really well for Katie," he says, when asked about her rehearsals for that ole knee-slapper All My Sons. He also says Suri is "charming," "beautiful" and "great." More fascinating insights into Tommy's thought process right here. In related news, Ben Affleck reveals that his buddy Matt Damon is "thrilled" to have a new baby. If you must.

Lindsay Lohan just wants her dad to shut up

Yesterday, or maybe the day before... I'm bleary-eyed and unfocused from watching the Democratic Convention on CNN. It's not as good as the Olympics, I think, but there's always the hope that Anderson Cooper will do something cute. Which is preferable to Michael Phelps doing something cute.

Anyway, as I was saying, Lindsay Lohan's idiot father Michael attacked Lindsay's girlfriend Samantha Ronson, telling E! that, "People like Samantha Ronson don't need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn't be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it's not right. I'm done with them." He also insinuated that Samantha was going to be writing a tell-all book.

Well, Michael, last night (or whenever) Lindsay told Access Hollywood, “He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love."

Then Samantha posted the following on her blog, which I'm not linking to because it's too early in the morning for foul language and the commenters there swear a lot. They need to wash their mouths with soap. (BTW, Samantha is too cool for capital letters):

"i really don't want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words... so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay's life- i'm just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i'm not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living.... i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else....so I think it's safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all..... written by me..... when does your book come out mr. lohan?"

Snap.

Next up? Here's Lindsay's reply from her blog:

"If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that's what i have believed my whole life- don't be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going...
If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.
Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).
He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.
Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.
This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item.
I'm not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on...
I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17."

Exciting, isn't it? If we could just somehow get Denise Richards involved in this. And then get my special Anderson to weigh in the way he did about the Living Lohan show. Bliss.