Signs you are handing out the wrong candy

Melancholy, Contemplative Zombie Girl (a.k.a. me) would like to help make your Halloween as pleasant as possible, so here are some hints that you may be a bit off track in your candy choices:

1. Children pelt you with dead pigeons until Valentine’s Day.
2. Your neighbours refer to you as Yucky Bob. Your name is Roy.
3. Headcheese is not for everyone.
4. The parents of the obese twins in number 22 allow their kids to trick or treat only from you.
5. The food bank employees reach for the pitchforks when you attempt to donate leftovers.
6. The kids would rather trick or treat at the “scary, creepy house where those teenagers died so horribly and the place was full of mummified body parts and no one’s lived there since 1976.”
7. Kids ask if they can just have some razor blades instead.
8. Your dog dropped dead last year on Nov. 1.
9. You're Madonna.
10. I promise you, liver-flavoured liquorice does not actually exist.
11. You’ve been featured on Martha Stewart’s Halloween Don’t list for 11 years in a row.
12. It’s impossible to make your own Coffee Crisps. I’ve tried.
13. You don't know that raisins are for müslix? Children don't appreciate müslix. It kinda sounds like Metamusil. Which, btw: also not a good choice of treat.
14. You're entrigued by Amy Winehouse's recipe for cocaine-laced candyfloss.

STEVE RUSSELL/TORONTO STAR PHOTO

Comments

[Leon Arp]

OMG!!!