This just in: Brangelina attends beach party

Huge news, you guys! And Us is all over it!

"Beach blanket bingo...with Brangelina! Back in the states after months in Venice, Italy, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie kicked off the holiday weekend Saturday at a pal's private beach party in Malibu, Calif. Joining the couple for the shindig were two eldest sons Maddox, 8, and Pax, 6. (Zahara, 5, Shiloh, 4, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 22 months, stayed behind. Behind where? Doing what? Are they safe? Or neglected? Why don't you have details. And why is it important to note their ages? Those last couple of lines looked like some sort of weird math problem. The kind of problem I couldn't figure out in high school. Leaving me with very few viable career choices.) Quaffing have anyone ever actually used that word outside of a tabloid magazine? a margarita, Pitt, 46, chatted with pals on the beachside deck, with Jolie, 34, drinking white wine beside him. "Brad was very affectionate," a witness tells UsMagazine.com. "He put his arm on Angie's wrist and was always rubbing her back or resting his hand on her shoulder." That's the kind of hard-hitting journalism I live for. Scoop-eee-licious. But what about old goatman's beard? What was it doing? Texting Jennifer Aniston? Maddox and Pax, meanwhile, hit the surf on boogie boards. "Brad and Angelina were watching and pointing with big smiles on their faces," the observer says. "At one point, Pax was packing sand between his hands to make a ball and then throwing it as far as he could." I can't take any more. The information overload is messing with my brain. First the affection thing and now details of a small child throwing dirt. The excitement is too much. The two buddies "liked trying to outdo one another." And while their famous parents watched their fun from afar, the celeb kids "seemed independent and did their own thing without ever having to check in with their parents." NEGLIGENCE! There is the proof we were looking for. "Brad and Angelina seemed very trusting of their boys [and] wrapped up with each other," the witness adds. "They were having a good time relaxing and enjoying the great weather." I sure hope there is an update to this story, to perhaps better explain the complexities. Maybe a panel of experts to analyze what we just learned.