No, I'm not interested in that

I get a lot of email. Like, a lot. Some of it is nice (Hi mom! Hi sweetie! Hi nice readers! Hi long-lost high school friend), some of it is unpleasant ("U suck, you ignorrand bitch. Die in a fire"), some of it is exciting ("You're invited to the most fantastic thing ever") but, most of it is about things that PR people (who are just doing their jobs) think I may be interested in. Usually I delete it, but then I thought, "what if my handsome readers really do hunger for this vital information that I'm keeping from them?" So, here's a tiny selection:

• Hi Malene – The latest celebrity craze – Healthy Watches!
  Thought you may be interested NO in the following item as these gorgeous Philip Stein watches have been seen all over celebs from Oprah to Audrina!  When it comes to fashion, there’s no need to stress because Philip Stein Natural Frequency Technology watches offer a fool-proof accessory that REDUCES STRESS and helps the wearer get a better nights sleep! ... Staying on-trend when it comes to both fashion and health is always a huge goal for women.  Celebrities like Victoria Beckham, Jessica Alba, Mel B., Audrina Patridge and OPRAH all stay calm with Philip Stein Natural Frequency Technology Watches. Also proven to reduce jet-lag when traveling, the must-have accessory features dual time zones to keep jet-setters tuned in to time in more than one city.
• Hi Malene, Miss America 2011, Teresa Scanlan, has announced that she will serve as a spokesperson for IHOP’s National Pancake Day celebration benefitting Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals.  The details are below; please let me know if you have any questions. NONE.
  Thank you in advance for any coverage you can provide. THAT WOULD BE NONE.
• Dear Malene, Do your readers want to drop a few pounds this winter or achieve a golden glow? NO NEED. THEY'RE ALL GOOD-LOOKING They should take advice from Big Love star Ginnifer Goodwin. Ms. Goodwin will share her personal story today with thousands of dieters and offer a few of her favorite nutrition tips. As a coach for the 21-Day Vegan Kickstart, Ms. Goodwin will send a message to participants about the impact a plant-based diet has on her life, health, and happiness.Would you like me to send you Ms. Goodwin’s personal note and advice? Would you like to learn about other celebrity coaches involved in the program? I'M GOING TO GO WITH NO
• Dear Malene Arpe :
  With Valentine's Day looming right around the corner, Drs. Pat Love and Jon Carlson offer readers a cure for all of the lonely-hearts in Never Be Lonely Again: The Way Out of Emptiness, Isolation, and a Life Unfulfilled.  Please read the attached press release NO TIME and let me know if you would like to interview my clients or receive a copy of the book for consideration of a review.  I look forward to hearing from you. NOT UNLESS YOU LIKE HEARING "NO."
• Stargazing, Ms. Malene Arpe Blogger
  Celebrity Esthetician Scott-Vincent Borba Shares His Skin Care & Health Solutions.
  Can we interest you NO in taking a look at Scott-Vincent Borba's new book? We can also
  arrange for interviews and develop responses to emailed questions. "DEVELOP RESPONSES TO EMAILED QUESTION?" HERE'S AN EMAILED QUESTION: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT NO? Please verify your best street address and let us know how we can help you. I'M AT 437 NO AVENUE.
• Hi There, 
  Not sure if you heard the news, NO, I HAVEN'T but the very talented and sexy AnnaLynne McCord of CW's 90210 is the brand new face of Marc Ecko's new ad campaign. We have super sexy, amazing behind-the-scenes videos, soundbites and images from the ad campaign photo shoot (shot by celebrity photographer Tony Duran) ready for you to download and share. NICE OFFER, BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE A NO.
• To: Malene Arpe, Pop Culture  Stargazing
  The Diamond Principle by James M. McCanney, M.S.
  Man's current dilemma can be redirected ... The Diamond Principle analyses the problems ... and gives the solutions. Scientist and author Stephen Hawking recently stated that god is not needed in science or the universe.  McCanney states the opposite for the common man ... there is a God and universal design NO ... we must learn and follow the designer's plan. Author James M. McCanney, M.S., chose the title The Diamond Principle deliberately. In his new book, the sixth in a series, comes his analysis of modern society and, at its core, the science he has painstakingly developed over decades. Like a diamond, this analysis is multifaceted, powerful, and complex. It revolves around the following question: What do you get when you apply "The Diamond Principle" to the long-term prospects for the survival of the human species?  Is there a different path we should be taking? AS ALWAYS, MASTER, MY PATH IS THE PATH OF NO
• Hi Malene,
  Happy Tuesday; hope this message finds you well ... E!'s Kourtney & Kim Take New York premiere was the most-watched opener of the series to date; drawing 3 million viewers this Sunday night. America can’t keep their eyes off the drama, the fashions, the makeup, the men, and now the baby! Although baby Mason was no where in sight we couldn’t help but notice signs of him throughout the episode. We spotted Mustela Bebe Hydra Bebe Body Lotion and PhysiObebe in Kourtney’s bathroom. Mustela is the number one baby care brand in Europe, so it’s no surprise that these trendsetters use Mustela for baby Mason. When it comes to celebs loving Mustela, Kardashians aren’t the only celebs who are a fan. Check out the below link to see more celeb Mustela fans! ERM, NO.
• Dear Ms. Arpe,
  For many folks their New Year resolutions are fading fast. That dream diet is now out the window and the new gym membership is already forgotten. Getting into the post-holiday, winter blues routine makes keeping a resolution tough. Now one doctor says “no sweat,” it’s still not too late to ease your way back into becoming a better you. Some new techniques could make audiences feel younger too! Dr. Comstock, author of a new book Antiaging 101, uses his anti-aging expertise to make becoming healthier and fit a reality. Dr. Comstock suggests changes to make in diet, exercise, and stress management that have a synergistic effect to keep you strong all year long. Dr. Comstock says it’s not too late to make your audience’s 2011 their healthiest year ever. I'M GOING TO TAKE THE LIBERTY OF ANSWERING ON BEHALF OF MY AUDIENCE: NO Please contact me to schedule this timely interview. YOU GUESSED IT: NO

 

Comments

[Patrick]

Heh. I liked this.

I also liked, "Stargazing, Ms. Malene Arpe Blogger."

That tickled my fancy for some reason.