Awesome paranoid rantings about the royal wedding

The Enquirer got an interview with Windsor-hater No. 1, Mohamed Al Fayed.

"Don't get married to WILLIAM. His family will destroy you!" That's the chilling warning issued to KATE MIDDLETON by a man who knows something about royal tragedy, MOHAMED Al FAYED. Fayed's son Dodi was killed with Princess Diana in a tragic car crash in a Paris tunnel on Aug. 31, 1997. In an exclusive ENQUIRER interview, billionaire Mohamed said that William is a fine young man. His family, however, can wreck the lives of those it touches, he says. They lurk in the corridors, like royal ninjas. "Kate, just like Diana, has no idea the price you have to pay when you exchange vows with a Windsor," Mohamed, 78, told The ENQUIRER. "Prince William lived with me when he was a young boy, and I have seen him grow up to become a wonderful man. England should be proud he will become king. He has his mother's charm, and I can completely understand why Kate has fallen in love with him. But the price to pay will be too great. There is an albatross hanging round William's neck. It is having the last name Windsor. The Windsors will do their utmost to destroy his bride. I have no doubt William will always love her. He is much more of a man than his father Prince Charles could ever be. But the stress of dealing with her poisonous in-laws could prove too much for Kate." And when he says poisonous, he means it literally. They favour their own special nightshade/strychnine blend. In 1997, Mohamed played host to Diana, William and Harry when they joined Dodi and his family for a summer vacation in St. Tropez, France. "William and Harry were wonderful children and the most important things in the world to Diana," the wildly successful businessman told The ENQUIRER. "She would be proud to see what a charming man William has become. But if she had been alive today, Diana would also be the first to caution Kate about marrying into this family. I have always had the utmost respect for Her Majesty The Queen, but I have no respect for her husband Prince Philip. Philip grew up with the Nazis. He is the evil force behind the family. Kate has already been compared to Diana. The public has fallen in love with her. Philip must already be fearing her. His usual tactic is to get his henchmen, those crusty old courtiers Crusty Old Courtiers would be a great band name who know every little secret, to begin a smear campaign." Mohamed believes Camilla Parker-Bowles, Prince Charles' wife, could also be a threat to Kate. Mohamed said: "When Camilla realizes that the people love Kate more than her, she could also join the hate campaign." It's already begun. Philip's henchmen and Camilla's hatmaker have constructed a special trap-door which will open and swallow Kate up. She will then be carried off by the crusty courtiers and forced to drink the special poison. She will be kept in a tower for 100 years with only singing mice and dancing squirrels for company.  Mohamed still owns the Ritz Hotel in Paris that Dodi and Diana left on the night of the car wreck that killed them - a crash he's convinced was an assassination. "I am sure if Dodi and Diana were alive today, they would be happily married," he says. "But I also think that Diana would have been the first to warn Kate about what she is getting involved with."

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[Leon Arp]

Guess who's not getting a wedding invite.