Old and inedible weekend leftovers

OFF THE RACK

US
Cover: A week late and a cheating boy-toy short, Us. I know that Ashton and the Hot Tub Hussies is a fascinating story, but it was more fascinating when it was first reported. The details are delightful, though, even if they seem somewhat unhygienic. Ashton prowling for girls to take to his $2,500 suite. The small-town Texas girl who brought a friend. The tub packed with people not wearing swimsuits and having questionable vaccination records. What we do learn, however, is that Demi, in addition to being "old" is also "insecure, " "desperate, " "pathetic, " "clingy" and "more sad than sexy." Also: really, really old.
This week in love biscuits: Leo DiCaprio and Blake Lively, who had a real romance that was real, have broken up after a scant five months of globetrotting bliss.

STAR
Cover: Oooh ... pictures from Hot Tub Party Central. Ashton mostly seems bored. But, if you look closely, you'll see he's clearly thinking about what he'll be doing with that small-town Texas girl later on. It's all in his body language. The body language that also says, "Yes, I'm aware that these pictures will likely end up on the cover of a tabloid next to a photo of my wife looking like she just saw an armless zombie eating an orphaned baby tiger. But this weed is way too good for me to care."
This week in it's Brad's turn: Usually it's Angie who is "exploding with rage" or "seethingly angry" or "foaming at the mouth with insane jealousy, " but this week it's a different story. Angie is getting along with her bodyguard and Brad is some kind of angry and it's all payback for him saying something nice about Jen.

ENQUIRER
Cover: It's difficult to keep track of the fluctuating levels of viciousness and nastiness when it comes to Hollywood divorces. Fortunately The Enquirer is here to help. First up are Will and Jada, and Will is playing hardball. He's not about to let Jada have half of the $300 million. Also, he's so depressed that he's eating fast food. But wait! The sure-to-happen split of Kim Kardashian and that tall guy could be even worse because Kim spends a ton of money and that tall guy is just a "photo-prop." But wait! I think we all know That Demi, who is feeling "old and dirty" and is "in a tail-spin" and "wasting away" will "destroy" Ashton. She's taking every penny of his $200 million. And then she and Jada and that tall guy are going on a cruise.

POP GOES THE WEEK
Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis writes in her new tell-all book that her mother doesn't like Christmas and Halloween, that she lets the dogs poop indoors, that she didn't keep food in the fridge when Alexis was a kid and that she pees with the toilet door open I'm confused as to what might be wrong with any of those things.
Gordon Ramsay is opening a beauty salon Services include facials, manicures and a soothing barrage of invective.
Most widespread complaints about the iPhone 4s 1) It can't make Martha Stewart close the bathroom door. 2) It will not stop Thomas Jane from talking endlessly about his years as a homeless actor dabbling in gay prostitution. 4) After you use it to smack Johnny Depp as he likens being photographed to getting raped, it does not repair itself. 5) When Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley says that he much prefers to be called a "public artist" rather than a "celebrity, " it can't roll your eyes for you.
Bret Michaels is designing a line of products for PetSmart Because if there's one thing that screams "rock ‘n' roll" it's a poodle wearing a bandanna.

After breaking up with Leo DiCaprio, Blake Lively is seen with Ryan Reynolds That makes no sense at all. The promotional work for Green Lantern has beenover for a long time. Maybe this really is real love. [Your laziness and blatant lack of interest in simple journalistic research shows once again. The DVD comes out on Tuesday. Idiot. – ed.]
In order to avoid leaving evidence, a New York state man allegedly wanted to kill a bear, and then subsequently wear the bear hide and claws while attacking his girlfriend The otherwise-flawless plan didn't work out after the man realized he'd have to kill a bear.
This week in What Could Possibly Go Wrong With That? 1) Vanessa Hudgens reportedly watches Black Swan over and over. 2) Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed Finally get married. 3) Vladimir Putin wants to gather the former Soviet republics in a "Eurasian Union."
Madonna will reportedly perform at the Super Bowl Unfortunately for the audience, they'll all be asked to turn around and look the other way.
Nancy Grace says Amanda Knox being freed is a "miscarriage of justice" Not, however, as grave as the suggestion that Nancy farted on Dancing with the Stars.
Hugh Hefner blames the cancellation of The Playboy Club on scheduling If he'd had his way the show would have been on every Breastnesday at misplaced nostalgia o'clock.
Kat von D is making an album Possible titles include 1) My Show got Cancelled. 2) My Show got Cancelled and I Own a Guitar. 3) Jesse James is a Scumbag.