Sad and soggy weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: What fantastic news. According to friends, sources, pals, insiders and tiny people living in Jennifer Aniston's walls, we can now reveal that someone thinks that perhaps and maybe and perchance, Jen and Justin eloped and got married. And IF they did, the wedding WOULD have been nice and it MIGHT have taken place on a beach. A beach in Fantasyland. Where everything is made of double-wonderful and we eat diamond lollipops served by flying puppies instead of telling the truth.
This week in other happy couples: Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez are deliriously thrilled with each other and their lives and careers. But they are not married. Which is a terrible tragedy. But now a friend (perhaps the same friend who knew everything about Jen's secret wedding) says "it's only a matter of time." Whew.

LIFE & STYLE
Cover: Demi has lost "close to 18 lbs." since Ashton got interested in hanging out with hot tub party girls. (Worst job in Hollywood: Official Celebrity Weigher. You have no idea how difficult it is to trick them into getting on the scales. The old, "Hey, why don't you step up on this random velvet-covered platform?" doesn't work as well as it used to). Demi is smaller than a size 0 and therefore a "size that doesn't exist." Commenting, philosophy expert Dr. Herman von Schnotzelheimer, says, "It's entirely impossible to be a size that doesn't exist and simultaneously actually exist. Or is it? No."
This week in Pygmalions: Stacy Keibler's style has improved since she became George Clooney's 100 per cent real and unfake girlfriend. She no longer wears inappropriate tube tops or speaks in public.

OK!
Cover: The very tall man who had the misfortune to land on Kim Kardashian's radar and was subsequently coerced into participating in an ostentatious public spectacle resembling a wedding has been naughty. And now he's afraid that Kim will leave him. That wouldn't be a bad idea. She'd get at least four or five episodes of TV show out of it.
This week in true love that's true: When did J.Lo and Bradley Cooper get together? Were they sneaking around behind Marc's cold, dead back? Did they sneak out to meet in secret while he was sleeping in his coffin? Sadly we don't find out.
This week in guess who's with child?: Not only is she fake-married, Jennifer is also Photoshop-pregnant. Happiest. Week. Ever. Ever.

 

POP GOES THE WEEK

One of the men charged in an alleged plot to kidnap Joss Stone pleads not guilty. The man and his accomplice were arrested near Joss' house with a samurai sword, a body bag, rope and aerial photos of the neighbourhood There's a perfectly good explanation. Haven't you ever heard of Urban Martial Arts Scavenger Rock Climbing Bring an Over-sized Container X-treme Hunt?
Rob Ford calls the cops on Marg Delahunty In his defence, he thought she was 1) A garbage collector. 2) A graffiti artist. 3) A bicyclist. 4) A zoo animal. 5) A TTC costumer. 6) a librarian 7) A well-fitting suit. 8) Margaret Atwood.
The Kardashians patent beer mugs and towels featuring their faces Simultaneously making getting drunk really unpleasant and cleaning up the vomit slightly more fun.
One of these things is not true 1) Community-service stricken Lindsay Lohan tries to bring cupcakes to her co-workers at the morgue but is told that's not allowed. 2) Bai Ling wants to fight Lindsay Lohan in a celebrity boxing match. 3) Lindsay Lohan is getting $1 million to pose nude for Playboy. 4) Lindsay Lohan's dad is arrested for domestic assault. Twice. 5) Lindsay Lohan's mom has to tone down her fake tan in order to look like a pumpkin for Halloween. 6) Lindsay Lohan fires her longtime financial manager. 7) After seeing Lindsay Lohan's teeth, Spencer Pratt offers to put her in touch with his dad who's a dentist.
X-Factor's Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid are reportedly ready to use "dirty tricks" and "mind games" to help their team members Simon is totally planning a barrage of "dog turds in burning paper bags, " while L.A. has already called several times to ask if Simon's refrigerator is running.
Charlie Sheen is reportedly "extremely disappointed" in how this season of Two and a Half Men has been unfolding "I had high hopes for Ashton, " he says, "but one lousy, paltry night of unprotected sex with a hot tub party girl/administrative assistant while your wife cries at home on your anniversary does not a successful sitcom make. Sheesh. I hate amateurs."
J.Lo says that she wasn't crying over the breakup with Marc Anthony (and his cold, dead hands) when she had an emotional breakdown during a concert Rather it was the sudden thought of one more season of trying to figure out what Steven Tyler is saying that got the better of her.
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez adopt an adorable puppy and name it Baylor Which does not stand for Bieber Ate Your Love Of Radio.
Celebrity math Question: If one of John Lennon's molars is up for auction with a reserve price of $16,000 and Madonna's Gaultier bustier recently sold for $72,000, why were creepy 17-year-old child bride Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old husband behaving lewdly in a pumpkin patch? Answer: Lil Wayne says he'll retire at 35.