Unreliable update on Ashton and Demi

I have no idea what The Enquirer's story is going to say, but I'm willing to bet a basillion dollars that, contrary to this week's cover, Demi did not try to harm herself.

Unfortunately, the story isn't posted and won't be published here until tomorrow, so here are a  couple of fake excerpts:

... As Bruce Willis rushed to Demi's side, he said some catch-phrasey thing to Ashton, who had already packed his ironic trucker hats and special hair grease and called a cab ...

...  "I hate you, Ashton" Demi yelled, as two pals, an insider and a family friend looked on. Swigging a bottle of cheap vodka, she promised revenge ...

... The producers of Two and a Half Men are desperate to get Charlie Sheen back. "At least," an industry insider says, "he didn't cause Demi Moore to visit random churches for help. Good, old Charlie. Those were the happy days. Now we have to deal with this joker" ...