Just answering some mail

It's a very quiet day, with very little happening in the way of celebrity scandal and/or cute kitten videos, so I thought I'd spend a bit of time answering some (actual) emails.

I am Mr.Paul and would like to order(Swan Tub) and what would be the price for each unit so that i can Quote you with the Quantity i want to order..Also  what type of payment do you accept,Thank you andreply ASAP..

Dear Mr. Paul,

Well, the price for Swan Tub depends on whether you're looking for a tub in which to keep your swans or, the higher-priced option, a tub made from one or more swans. Please advice, and I will send you a price list. You should know, however, that if you're looking for tubs made of swans, delivery time may be just the tiniest bit delayed, as our chief swan catcher just quit due to having his arms eaten. And rest assured that we accept every imaginable form of payment, but prefer cash, diamonds and cygnets.

Dear Honored Guardian,
It is pertinent to let you know of my sincere appeal through this regular mail, I need your kind assistance for a sincere redemption, I want you to make arrangement for visa for me to come to your country to further my education, as my guardian securing a resident permit for me in your country for safety. My father's kinsmen and the kindred's want me death because of material gains, they want to inherit our inheritance which I want you to be a custodian of for security reasons. At your earliest convenience, I will be waiting for your return mail to my mail.  I kindly thank you in anticipation for the assistance to be rendered.
Ever truly, Miss Jane

Dear Miss Jane,

First of all, how is your brother the Nigerian prince? I haven't heard from him for a while. And I thought we were friends, so I am a bit disappointed. However, I'm always looking for inheritances to guard (I have a special shed in the garden) and would be delighted to help you. Unfortunately, the government official who used to help me secure fake immigration papers is no longer with us due to having his arms eaten by a swan. Curious business. But this is just a minor setback. Please send me all of your inheritance and, as soon as I've hidden it in my shed, I will let you know how to proceed. In the meantime, good luck dodging the kinsmen.

Hi,
My Name is Paul John and i am interested in  your (Feed Scoop)can you get me the prices of each of them now and if you do not have that in stock,Can you advice me three different type of item do you have in stock now. also i am going to donate these to a client of mine in Haiti and what type of credit card you accept for Payment. Have a Nice Day.
Regards,
Paul John

Dear Paul John,

Are you by any chance related to a Mr. Paul? Never mind. Mr. John, this is not the first time you've written. And, as I've explained to you before, we do not sell Feed Scoop. If we sold Feed Scoop, the swans would learn to use them and gorge themselves. And then where would we be? Also, what business is it of mine what you want to do with the Feed Scoop? Anyway, moving on ... To make up for my lack of ability to help you with the Scoop acquisition, I would like to offer you another opportunity. I've recently met a lovely and vivacious young woman named Miss Jane, who seems to be in a bit of a pickle with some kindred or some such. You may want to get in touch with her. I have a feeling the two of you have much to discuss.

Dear Sir/Madam
Am Garry and i would like to order World Desk Globes  from you and would like to know the types and sizes you have in stock as well as the prices and the types of credit cards that you take for payment.Thank you and waiting to hear from you as soon as possible. Regards Garry

Dear Garry,

It's been a busy week around the warehouse. First the swans got out, then I had to deal with a fire in the garden shed and, finally, two friends of mine, Mr. John and Miss Jane, got the wrong idea about my commitment to helping them and absconded with all my Feed Scoops. I did manage, through good fortune and the help of my associate, Mr. Paul, to recover 11,000 World Desk Globes, which I'm willing to offer to you for the low price of you becoming an indentured swan handler/government forger. Let me know when you can start.

Comments

[Tracy]

I am now trying to explain to my co-worker why I am laughing hysterically...

[Patrick]

Great post.