Extra-soggy weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: Ah, the truth will out. The failure of Kim's marriage had nothing to do with the fact that it was a fake, staged event designed for profit and maximum exposure and to showcase Mama Kardashian's new face. It was because Kris Humphries is a gay that gays with the gays in all kinds of gay ways. The proof of all this gayness: He likes nice suits and would rather watch sports than have sexytime with Kim. The Kardashian "sources, " "friends, " "pals" and "insiders" are really earning their keep this week.
This week in disapproving mothers: J.Lo's mom is super-upset that her daughter has taken up with a 24-year-old. Not because he looks like the result of an unholy union between The Situation and Kevin Federline, but because he's a back-up dancer. She could at least have gone for the drummer like a normal girl.

IN TOUCH
Cover: Dear [fill in the blank]: We hope you can make it to our imaginary, yet magical, wedding, which will take place at the Isle of Wight on some imaginary date at a not-fixed point in the future. Kristen will, of course, be wearing the original Twilight wedding dress while Robert will be wearing whatever's in the hamper. While we're waiting for our wedding, we're planning to take a year off to have a baby. Not a blood-sucking vampire one, though. Because we're told they don't actually exist. Bummer. We also like to "snuggle" in "romantic cafes." And, in case you're wondering, this is a real invitation that's real because we're already sharing an apartment and that's a sign we're about to get married. Also: The heads of all our fans would explode and we totally dig explosions. Sincerely, Kristen and Robert.

ENQUIRER
Cover: The skinny are too skinny and the fat are too fat. I'm also pretty sure that the perfectly proportioned are too perfectly proportioned, although it's not mentioned here.
This week in Angie is crazy: I've been wondering what happened to Shiloh, whose reckless mother lets her dress like a boy. Finally there's an update. Brad is all kinds of furious and wants to force the kid to wear a dress. He's bought her pink outfits and some dolls to set her on the path to proper gender identification. Apparently he's afraid that if Shiloh is allowed to be herself she will become a heroin smoker. Like her mom. Who, as far as I know, does not dress in men's clothes, but why let such details stand in the way? Nice story, Jennifer Aniston's assistant.

POP GOES THE WEEK

This week in thwarted career plans A) Angelina Jolie says she would have liked to have been a funeral director. B) Mindy Kaling says she would have liked to be an OB-GYN. C) Kim Kardashian says she would have liked to have been married just long enough for a spinoff series.
Deadmau5 would consider collaborating with will.i.am - but only anonymously We're looking forward to h8.2.spel.
Demi Moore is absent as her daughter Tallulah is introduced into high society at Le Bal des Debutantes in Paris Possible reasons: 1) She's going through a painful divorce. 2) She had work commitments. 3) She was busy having dinner with a "mystery man." 4) She was trying to look for hidden messages in Ashton's tweeted photo of himself in a field with a cow. 5) She thinks the idea of a debutante ball in this day and age is completely and utterly ridiculous.
Guy Ritchie reveals it was almost like a "soap opera" being married to Madonna "Especially that time when Madonna's long-lost drowned sister returned with a new face and revealed Madonna keeps the still-beating heart of an insolent assistant in her satanic temple. Oh, wait. That was real."
Dear Penthouse: I never thought it would happen to me Penn Badgley recalls that once "40 or 50 Catholic schoolgirls all swarmed me and pinned me up against a chain-link fence."
Pippa Middleton gets a deal worth some $700,000 for a book on being a perfect hostess Chapter One: "When your sister is the future queen, no one says no to your invitation." Chapter Two: "When your sister is the future queen, you can serve dry bread in an old shoe." Chapter Three: "When your sister is the future queen, you can tell your guests they're boring, force them to do the dishes and they'll still show up next time (please see Chapter One)."
Bridal store employees say that Twilight fans are lying about being engaged in order to try on a copy of Bella's dress That's just awful and ridiculous and shameful and also very silly. Is there nothing people won't do? I simply cannot imagine why any bridal shop employee would reveal this to the press. And it wasn't even a total lie. I could, totally, possibly, at some point in the future, get engaged.
Miley Cyrus's spokesperson says that Miley was only joking when she referred to herself as a stoner "You know, " he continued, "how silly she gets when she's hot-boxing."
Anna Hathaway announces she's gotten engaged Nice try, Anne, but they are still not going to let you try on Bella's dress.
Quill.com and Staples will sell Dunder Mifflin-branded paper products Finally a great Christmas present for that uncle who incessantly quotes Dwight and really, really loves paper.
Lindsay's little sister, Ali Lohan, scoffs at the rumours she had plastic surgery because, "I'm 17 years old ... I would need my mother's signature, and do you think my mom would sign off on that?" Is that a trick question?