It's time to answer some email
Even though I'm busy baking and cleaning and wrapping and lying through my teeth for the holidays, I always try to keep up with my correspondence. One does not want to appear rude. Now, last time I answered my emails I, quite frankly, got a bit flustered because of the demands of the letter writers. So, I was so thrilled to see a request from a lovely gentleman, Mr. Coleman of London, who seems to have grasped where my true talents lie. Because Mr. Coleman appears to be a man of great organizational skills, I have decided to answer his lovely offer point by point.
Hello Au pair/Nanny,
We are COLEMAN Family.we are interested in having you as our kids nanny. Thank you very much. My current contract is about to run out because I misplaced the children. Or so the police says.
I'm an accountant with a construction company here in the United Kingdom while my Wife works with an Insurance company here in London also.We are down to earth, blunt and take things the way they come.We are very friendly people and easy to get along with.You will have no problem in adapting to our lifestyle here. We will be needing your services due to the time commitment that is demanding by our job. We want you to know that you'll never have any cause to regret taking up this job. Well, that's all well and good but, if you'll pardon me, I'll be the judge of whether your lifestyle is acceptable. I once worked for a family that let the children remove their gags for playtime. Most improper.
DAVIS, Male, 5 and Rita, Female, 7 years old , we just enrolled them at a school for this summer.They are welcoming and though they are young,They all posses a warm and friendly attitude.they like's playing a lot and i do not think you will have any problem with them so far they eats and plays well.they are very intelligent and loves to take after people,this is the more reason i will appreciate someone with good qualities to be there aupair/Nanny so that they doesn't take to bad influence. That's the kind of parental neglect that leads directly to juvenile hall, sir. Warm and friendly attitudes do not make up for growing up in a home where spelling and grammar are so blatantly disregarded. I shall immediately institute my patented One Misplaced Apostrophe Equals One Misplaced Dinner regimen.
Your job is not a hard one,I do not believe in supervising or monitoring people to do their job.I believe people should be giving a free role in whatever they do.So,I believe you should be able to perform well without being told.All entails preparing Our kids for schooling in the morning,taking them to the point where the school bus picks them up to school.You will have a free period then whereby you can do any vocation or practice whatever is at your disposal.Then you help monitor them after they are brought home by the school bus,just to make sure they are alright till my wife's arrival from work. That is good news. I prefer to perform my Satanic rituals between 9:37 am and 1.29 pm, so that works out well. However, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to take up employment with a family that does not employ a driver and thus forces the children to travel on common germ-infested busses. I have a delicate constitution and cannot be exposed to poor people's diseases.
You will be entitled to a pay of 2700pounds every month while you will also be given an entitlement of 700pounds every week for petty expenses which you might need for yourself.This salary is subject to negotiations for an upward review upon your arrival. My current salary is 3400 dollars a day, so it will be a bit of a sacrifice, but if you are willing to throw in one dead monkey and a bag of human hair every two weeks, I may be pursuaded to accepts.
A well furnished Master bed room will be made available for your personal use soon as you get here.there will be your personal laptop connected to the internet, TV and other necessary gadgets at your disposal.There will be enough privacy for you,i guess you'll really like it. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and start guessing as to what I may or may not like. Many before you have made that mistake. Let's just leave it at that.
WHEN TO START
You are free to start as soon as possible,I will appreciate you coming immediately but any date of your choice will also be welcome. I do have a toe-nail extraction scheduled for Tuesday morning, so how is Wednesday?
You have every weekend as your off day as i will not be going to work during weekends except special overtime. Your lack of interest in hard work concerns me. No wonder your children are so unruly.
We currently live in here in London. That's very specific. Thank you. I'll easily find you.
You will be free to study in any school of your choice soon as you get here.I will be helping you as regards tuition fees.There are so many colleges and Universities here that offer good and qualitative courses here. I have always wanted to take up freestyle ceramics. Perhaps now is the time.
Let me know if you are ready to take up t What? How rude. Here I'm going out of my way to accommodate your lower-class lifestyle and then you just stop your email in the middle of a sentence. Well, good day to you and good luck with your doomed offspring.
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE:
I am Mr. Tim Watkins and would like to order(basement doors) and what would be the price for each unit so that i can Quote you with the Quantity i want to order. Also what type of payment do you accept, Thank you and reply ASAP..
Dear Mr. Watkins,
As I tell all my clients, I accept pretty much any kind of payment you can think of but, at the moment, we're running low on fresh, healty livers. Unfortunately, we are currently out of basement doors. Also, I don't know why you can't just use ordinary doors. You know what? I'm just going to go right ahead and send you 1,000 ordinary doors. Then you can try them out and we'll take it from there.
My name is Terry Thomas. I would like to know if you have storage trunk Available and i'm looking for less expensive ones you have. Could you please let me know the prices that storage trunk I would be happy to make my payment by credit card if you accept them.
I await your reply, Sincerely,
Dear Mr. Thomas,
You're barking up the wrong middleman. All our available cheap storage trunks have recently been converted into basement doors. I don't mind telling you that we have a very annoying customer named Mr. Watkins, who doesn't seem to understand that a door is a door. So, sadly, I'm going to have to tell you that we cannot fill your order. But, don't let that dissuade you from sending me your credit card number. Just so I have it on file for when I move to London to work for a real cheapskate.
I am Breeze from Qinhuangdao Taihuang Chemicals Co.,Ltd, which specialized in producing candle materials: paraffin wax, palm wax, soy wax, bee wax, slack wax, rubber wax, yellow wax, packing wax, stearic acid.
Payment: TT or LC at sight
delivery time: in 2 weeks
packing: as your request
Should the item be of your interest, please let me know . We shall be glad to give you our lowest quotations.
I'm concerned that you don't have enough different kinds of wax.