Dried-out weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: So, according to some greedy, nasty exes of the late Robert Kardashian, Khloe is not a real Kardashian because Momma Kris was being all kinds of unfaithful. And just look at Khloe. She's like, big and stuff and her hair is not shiny. Proof right there. But if Khloe isn't a Kardashian, what is she then? Possibilities include: 1) A hologram. 2) A friendly android. 3) A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. (Please submit your own suggestions to 1-800-YOU-WIN-NOTHING.) But wait! There is more! Apparently, step-dad Bruce Jenner is a total cross-dresser. Will the surprises ever stop coming? But wait! There is more! His son, Brody Jenner, is totally engaged to Avril Lavigne. They're meant for each other because (and I wish I'd made this up): "He's a cool Malibu surfer type, she's a pale rocker from Canada."

US
Cover: Us gave Jessica Biel exactly 12 days and seven hours in which to be thrilled about her upcoming Justinuptials. Now it's time to drag out her concerned friends and hear their concerns. They're concerned about his cheating ways and they're concerned about her fragile, breakable heart and they're just concerned in general because that's their job. One says, "I think he'll be more strategic about his affairs, maybe do it less." I think that sounds reasonable. All anyone can ask for, really.
This week in poor, sad Jen: While Brad and his Jezebel clogged up every red carpet in creation, Jennifer managed to find some solace skiing with her current man person in Telluride.
This week in no luck: Jake Gyllenhaal needs a new love biscuit and asked Minka Kelly. But she was all "I'm still hankering for Derek Jeter."

LIFE & STYLE
Cover: First there was the crushing news about Khloe not being real. And now there is this story about how that guy Kim was briefly pretending to be married to will KRUSH her. He wants to somehow force the show off the air. Poor Kim. She'll be so distraught she won't be able to plan how to sneak into the Golden Globes disguised as a seat-filler. So sad.
This week in weepy princesses: Kate is sad and constantly crying and "extremely anxious." Why, you may ask? Because her newly acquired husband is deploying to the Falkland Islands. For six whole weeks. How will she ever cope? You think about that the next time you're whining about silly things like how to pay the rent and feed your kids while working minimum wage. Stop being so selfish.

 

POP GOES THE WEEK

Katherine Heigl blogs for iVillage about how difficult it is for her to balance all her many responsibilities Fans of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum character, meanwhile, find it difficult to balance all their many-facetted anger over Heigl starring in One for the Money.
There was initially some confusion as to whether Beyonce and Jay-Z had named their new daughter Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy. We now, of course, know it's Blue Ivy Good choice. Rather a super villain with a poignant back-story than a classic, understated wall colour.
Lindsay Lohan gets a new tattoo reading, "live without regrets" Don't blame her. The tattoo artist couldn't spell "quiet contemplation, common sense and a modicum of dignity."
Tim Burton wants Robert Downey Jr. to play Geppetto in a live-action Pinocchio movie OMG! Is Johnny Depp dead?
Kate Gosselin will host an upcoming cruise for Royal Caribbean Says Jon Gosselin, "that's nice and fancy and all, but justlast Friday I hosted a get-together for Old Milwaukee at the 7-Eleven. Well, the 7-Eleven parking lot, but still."
Least Surprising Thing Ever of the week A Wisconsin man named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-bop-bop is arrested on marijuana charges.
Even Less Surprising Thing Ever Snoop Dogg is arrested for marijuana possession.
Old Hollywood update 1) Kim Novak is upset the movie The Artist uses part of the score from Vertigo and says, "I want to report a rape ... My body of work has been violated by The Artist." 2) Lindsay Lohan is in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie. 3) Betty White will be hosting a Candid Camera-style show. 4) Scientists at McGill have created monster ants. 5) Well, we don't have a Crazy Horrible Things No One Should Ever Contemplate category this week, do we?
Kirsten Dunst and Selena Gomez are granted three-year restraining orders against their respective stalkers So, all the stalkers have to do is swap obsession and they can ... Sorry ... I've said too much.
Katy Perry says we shouldn't believe anything her family or "close sources" say about her Does that mean the story about Russell Brand having a dungeon full of amorous, drug-addled Yetis isn't entirely true?
Hostess, maker of Twinkies and Sno-balls and happiness files for bankruptcy I blame bran muffins and Jamie Oliver's food revolution and low-carb diets. And Gwyneth Paltrow.
A group of French Michael Jackson fans are suing Conrad Murray for "emotional damage" suffered as a result of their idol's death This is just a guess, but I sense there may have been some emotional damage to begin with.
Justin Bieber says not to expect him to sing about, "sex, drugs and swearing" even though he's turning 18 Too bad. I was looking forward to, "Never say Never to Bleeping Heroin, Copulation and Bleeping."