Forgotten, unappreciated weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: Dear tabloids: Really? Is Jennifer's uterus the only one available? Could you not, for the love of Thor and the Blykian Fire God, find someone else's womb to fetusize? You can return to poor, sad Jen in a couple of months. But just give us a break during which we don't have to think about her imaginary nurseries, her imaginary twins and her imaginary wedding place settings. Sincerely, Everybody in the entire world.
This week in new guy: Scarlett Johansson has a new man in her life. He's a tattoo aficionado and advertising executive, and she's "going public" with him. This piece of news is all the reason needed for Star to feature a photo of the happy couple. Not an actual picture of the two of them together, but one that looks like it was Photoshopped by a blind ferret on meth. Still. Very romantic.

OK!
Cover: Sandra Bullock doesn't do anything unless it's specifically designed to make Ryan Reynolds jealous. And now that she's (perhaps) dating one of Ryan's friends, it's clear that she's stepped up her jealousy strategy. Recently she took Ryan's friend-person to a party and, according to an "event onlooker" (which is totally what I want to be in my next life), they were glued to each other.
This week in wily seductresses: So, the reason Kim Kardashian has started a Bible study group isn't her abiding love for the baby Jesus. It's her abiding love for a good storyline. And what would be better than one involving Tim Tebow? Nothing, is what. Kim's recent interest in church and piety is a cleverly planned strategy to lure Tim into her web of profitable seduction, but the whole sex-tape thing may prove a bit of a hindrance.

ENQUIRER
Cover: Dear diary: It's the 23rd day of my stay in this place. I miss being able to tweet half-naked pictures of myself and to have the occasional drink but, other than that, it's not too bad. They really love meaningless inspirational quotes here - an interest I share. I really wish, though, that people would stop coming forward claiming to have found pages from my very old diary in a public trash can. And, furthermore, I wish that those pages wouldn't be used to mislead prospective magazine buyers into thinking that the "explosive" rehab diary is from my current rehab. I have trouble enough remembering one from the other without this added confusion. PS: Ashton Kutcher smells like rotting meat and his mother is so fat she'll never ...

POP GOES THE WEEK

Different ways of dealing with a break-up 1) Russell Brand is rumoured to be pursuing Zooey Deschanel while Katy Perry threw herself at Tim Tebow during Super Bowl weekend. 2) Seal and Heidi are still wearing their wedding rings. 3) Kim Kardashian is reportedly finished with both football and basketball players. Watch out, Northern Regional Ladies Polo and Bass Fishing League.
Billy Ray Cyrus is writing a long-awaited memoir called Hillbilly Heart Discarded titles include Hillbilly Hair, Hillbilly Hot Tub and Hillbilly Who Lucked Out in the Daughter Department.
PETA is upset because Liam Neeson ate wolf-meat jerky while making the movie The Grey Good thing they don't know about his shameful predilection for panda pancakes.
Beyoncé and Jay-Z's daughter has six nannies One feeds, one changes diapers, one rocks the cradle, one sings lullabies, one rattles the rattle and one records all cries and gurgles for future remix use.
A new book claims that the Queen carries the following in her handbag: A mirror, a few bills for the church donation basket, lipstick, glasses, pen and mints Things Prince Charles carries in his wallet: an uneasy mix of joy over his mother still being alive and a constantly seething resentment over his mother still being alive.
Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka refuse to talk baby talk to their kids Says Beyoncé, "quick, someone hire a nanny to not talk baby talk to the baby."
The mansion used in American Horror Story is for sale for $17 million It comes with a double garage, brand-new washer and dryer and the sure knowledge that you will never, ever be able to have a good night's sleep no matter how many times you tell yourself it was only a TV show.
Kanye West's new concert rider specifies that his limo drivers may not wear suits made from any man-made fibres It further asks that wolf-meat sandwiches, served in replicas of the Queen's handbag, be available at all times.
Robert Pattinson says that without Twilight no one would "give a bleep about him" Awww ... . Don't be silly. That's not true at all. It's possible your mother would love you.
Police are called in to break up a noisy get-together at the house of Glee's Cory Monteith [I dare you to come up with something that doesn't include the phrase, "he and his friends were probably rehearsing a mash-up for regionals." - vindictive ed.]
Zac Efron and Lily Collins are reportedly dating Hmm ... not sure that's true. Let's look at the evidence. 1) Lily has her Snow White movie to promote. 2) Zac has his movie, The Lucky One, to promote. 3) Yup. Seems legit.
Conspiracy theorists claim that Madonna's half-time show was carefully crafted Illuminati propaganda Enough already. Next they'll tell us there's something sinister behind her new song, "Like an All-Seeing Eye Looking at Mind-Controlled Slaves from a Golden Pyramid."