Ignored weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: Will and Jada, while busy figuring out who gets the ugly tea set and who gets the Lamborghini, have already figured out how to divide the offspring. For some reason this fair division of their most valuable assets seems to be a problem with the authors of this story. I think it's very reasonable. They have two kids, both of whom have enormous earning potential. Of course they should each have one. What? You want Will to have both? That wouldn't be fair. Both parents have worked hard, following the steps set out in Kris Jenner's More Kids, Higher Profits.
This week in best PR team ever: Did you know that post-split Katy Perry is so hot she can turn gay men "smitten." It's true. "Insiders" say one of her backup dancers "who may be gay" is spending all kinds of time with Katy now. Take that, Russell Brand.

US
Cover: Things that are wrong in Demi Moore's life A) She's super-old. (OMG! She's going to be 50! Bring out the ice floe stat.) B) She likes the worst drugs. (Whip-its? Really?) C) Zac Efron is not interested in letting her super-old hands fondle his abs. D) She's caught in a "desperate spiral." Sidebar: Am I the only one who thinks spirals get a bad rep? They're always downwards and desperate. We never see, "Demi safely ensconced in spiral of fluffy happiness. With some nice, grown-up drugs."
This week in poor, sad Jen: There must be a mistake. It says that Jen is trying to have a baby. Doesn't she already have 153 pregnancies on the go? What about the twins she's been pregnant with 12 times? What happened to them? Were they all sent to live with Will and Jada and accidentally ended up being split?

ENQUIRER
Cover: Angelina is a cheating so-and-so who fancies hotels that rent by the hour. While her loving non-husband slaves to keep his daughters from turning lesbian, insidious haircut by insidious haircut, Angie is out touching other men and she should be ... Oh. Never mind. Apparently she slept with someone else right after she and Brad met. So, whatevs. BUT, Brad nevertheless STORMED off when she admitted to being a sinner. Which leads to this: Is there a designated place where famous people go after having stormed off? They clearly storm off more than average people but we never see photos of sad celebs wandering the streets, carrying nothing but the child's raincoat and the dog leash they grabbed while storming out.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Angelina Jolie says Brad's recent marriage talk was "blown out of proportion" THAT'S CRAZY TALK! THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL OUT OF PROPORTION ABOUT MY PLANNING A BRAD & ANGIE THEME PARTY WITH SPECIAL CUPCAKES MADE FROM MY HOPE AND DREAMS.
Octomom refers to her kids as "eight pieces of poop" Not so bad, really, when you compare it to what they will be calling her in therapy later in life.
Brad Pitt says his kids aren't allowed to Google their parents HOW WILL THEY KNOW ABOUT THE WEDDING?
Kim Kardashian says she'd like to start a Bible study group She is very interested in learning more about lust, avarice and those totally super-cute little outfits that Salome wore.
Bow Wow owes $100,000 in taxes That's what happens when you're no longer Lil'.
Explaining how he and his ex, Jennifer Lopez, manage to work together on their new show, Marc Anthony says, "we're just meant to be in each other's lives on different levels, " while J.Lo says, "Marc will always be in my life" Asked to comment, their bankers, agents and stockbrokers say, "Whew."
George Clooney's most recent ex, Elisabetta Canalis, is dating Steve-O of Jackass Good news, Stacy Keibler. There's always another chance at love waiting after the awards season is over. A chance at love who likes to staple his genitals to his leg, but a chance at love nonetheless.
Andrew Lloyd Webber says some diehard Phantom of the Opera fans are "crazy" I KNOW! THEY DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT BRAD AND ANGELINA MAYBE FOR SURE GETTING MARRIED!
This week in unemployment 1) Simon Cowell fires judges Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger and host Steve Jones from X-Factor. 2) Taylor Lautner is no longer attached to play Stretch Armstrong. 3) Rooney Mara replaces Blake Lively in the next Soderbergh film. 4) Madonna says she cut her daughter out of W.E. 5) Kim Kardashian calls police when a stranger shows up at her gate carrying luggage, claiming he is there to work.
Nicolas Cage sewed ancient Egyptian relics and bits of tourmaline and onyx into his Ghost Rider jacket, "to gather these energies together and shock my imagination into believing that I was augmented in some way by them, or in contact with ancient ghosts" Unfortunately, the ancient ghosts clouded his judgment and convinced him it was a good idea to share this information.
Real Housewife Brandi Glanville say she slept with Gerard Butler Gerard says he doesn't know who Brandi is It's the classic she said, he said "I will never drink again."
Ashton Kutcher blocks journalists from following him on Twitter A good step for someone worried about privacy. Other measures he could take to make sure his views and actions don't end up in the media: stop tweeting about them to his 9 million followers.