Mouldy weekend leftovers
OFF THE RACK
Cover: Christina isn't doing too well and her face looks like melting crayons. Let's read a delightful selection of keywords from the story: "drunk, " "wasted, " "destructive downward spiral, " "littered with wine bottles, " "fat" and "time for an intervention."
This week in dirty pictures: Brad Pitt lost his iPhone which had all kinds of "intimate photos" of himself and his lovely unwife. Now Angie gets to say, "I told you so" because she had nagged him to delete the pictures AND it could ruin their Oscar celebration if the pictures got out. Not for the rest of us, mind you.
This week in broken homes: Will and Jada are trying really hard to pretend they're able to be in the same room for the sake of the children, but it's not working out because, "this is a family divided and destined to be broken apart."
LIFE & STYLE
Cover: What a bastard that Russell Brand turned out to be. Sweet Katy feels like a fool since she found out that he partied and collected phone numbers from girls and ... Oh ... No, not while they were still together. After they split up. So, there's really no story here. Except that Katy falls into the My Ex Must Pine for the Precious Princess He Lost camp of womanhood and apparently expected Russell to stay at home for the rest of his life after they split.
This week in real life is just like fake life: OMG! Rachel and Finn from Glee are totally together and fed each other spaghetti and have been dating since the fall and OMG! I knew it. Whose fan fiction is weird and creepy and inappropriate now, huh? Not mine.
Cover: As you know I refuse to watch The Bachelor. All that making out with random drunks just strikes me as terribly unhygienic. But I understand from this story that Courtney is some kind of evil entity, bridging time and space in her unrelenting quest for vaguely Rafael Nadal-looking man-flesh and that everybody else hates her. She's disliked because she's really set on winning the contest and claiming her earned prize of an engagement that will last six months or until she gets a spot on Dancing with the Stars. Whichever comes first.
This week in romance: Jessica Biel finally wore her engagement ring in public. Justin hadn't wanted her to because "He's not sure how he'll operate as Justin Timberlake, the married man." Mazel tov, Jessica.
POP GOES THE WEEK
On the premiere of Khloe and Lamar, Khloe Kardashian breaks a sex swing How totally embarrassing, humiliating and mortifying. How to live down something like that? She should be ashamed to show her face. If that's the best stunt she can come up with, there will be no renewal of the show. Amateur.
Russell Brand's new love biscuit is an artist who "explores feelings of guilt, sensuality, sexuality and repression from a woman's perspective" Which makes it even more awkward to paint those "naked pictures to send to Katy" that Russell keeps insisting on posing for.
Clint Eastwood says the U.S. hasn't had a good president since Truman Other things the U.S., according to Eastwood, hasn't had since Truman: 1) Reliable home milk delivery. 2) A carton of Camels for $1.25. 3) Kids who damned well know how to stay off other people's lawns. 4) Sturdy sex swings.
Beyoncé and Jay-Z reportedly request that anyone wanting to hold their baby wear surgical mask and gloves Helicopter parents: Even more annoying when they happen to be celebrity millionaires.
Mark Wahlberg makes his children watch him getting his tattoos removed to teach them about consequences Tightly wrought authoritarian parents: Even more annoying when they happen to be celebrity millionaires.
Best loophole ever Robert Pattinson says even if Stephenie Meyer wrote another Twilight book, he'd be too old to reprise his vampire role in the movie.
Lady Gaga reportedly has nightmares in which the devil haunts her Stop being so overly dramatic. He probably just wants his blood bonnet back.
Miley Cyrus gets a new tattoo that reads, "love never dies" Her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth, meanwhile, gets one that says, " ... well mine may fade just a tiny bit if you don't step away from the Great Book of Cliches and Platitudes."
Charlie Sheen apologizes for saying his replacement on Two and a Half Men, Ashton Kutcher, sucks Says Demi Moore, "Don't worry, Charlie. I could bear to hear a little more."
This week in expectoration 1) Adele says that if she were ever to run into her estranged father, she'd spit in his face. 2) Christina Hendricks says her high school classmates spat at her because she was a Goth.
George Clooney's ex, Elisabetta Canalis, brings Steve-O to meet her parents in Italy They may not bother with the good china this time.
Celebrity math question: If Paris Hilton wins $30,000 playing blackjack, Justin Bieber is working on his second book, Amber Riley dropped two dress sizes and Chris Tucker owes $12,164,504.08 in taxes, how much, according to LeHigh University, would it cost to build a fully functioning replica of the Death Star? Answer: $852,000,000,000,000,000 and 833,315 years.