Utterly neglected long-weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: All week I've been hoping that someone would finally get to the bottom of the Whitney tragedy. Thank you, Star, for going where no one else has dared to stoop: Interviewing her personal drug dealer. This paragon of self-awareness-free living actually says of Whitney's cocaine habit: "... it just showed what that lifestyle can do to somebody with so much talent." Gosh. If only it hadn't been so easy for Whitney to obtain all those drugs, she might have found a better "lifestyle."
This week in marriages that are so doomed even before they begin: Jessica Biel wants a prenup that pays her if Justin Timberlake cheats. She's also afraid that he will cheat if she gets fat when she's pregnant. So she doesn't want kids until he's proven he can behave. Justin will not add a fidelity clause to the prenup. Fun-fun.

OK!
Cover: Even if this story about Brad and Angie getting married is the same fake story about Brad and Angie getting married that we've read an estimated 951 times before, it's such a relief to have a cover that's not about Whitney, that it makes me all kinds of delirious with happiness. Wedding in France! Yay! Stylish ceremony! Yay! More babies! Yay!
This week in twin fighting: J.Lo and former husband, Skeletor (King of the Blood Clan), are in some sort of tug of war over their twins. Marc doesn't want the kids to start thinking Jennifer's young man (whose name I'm clearly not going to bother knowing) has any role to play in their lives. Have we learned nothing from the math-wise decisions of Will and Jada? You have two kids. You have two former love biscuits fighting. One kid for each solves everything.

ENQUIRER
Cover: All week I've been hoping that someone would finally do the right thing and hire an actress to play Whitney in a series of creepy photos recreating her death in a hotel bathroom. Thank you, Enquirer, for your bravery. I now know what Whitney could possibly have looked like lying dead, face down on a bath mat.
This week in there can only be one: Salma Hayek hates Sofia Vergara because Sofia has "dethroned" her as Hollywood's hottest Latina actress and "stolen" all her roles.
This week in But what about the French wedding? Brad and Angie had a fight that made him cry. Angie wanted to say hello to Billy Bob but, that's a double standard because, AS WE KNOW, Brad isn't even allowed to talk to Jennifer. Or something.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Making a Beetlejuice sequel is a "priority" for Tim Burton Sacrilege! Sacrilege! Sacrilege!
According to a sleep expert, "sleep texting" is becoming a major problem, leading to stress and embarrassment Possible solutions include: 1) Don't put your phone near your bed. 2) When going to bed, leave your phone in the kitchen. 3) Consider not holding your phone while you're falling asleep. 4) New nighttime ritual: Brush teeth, comb hair, put phone in handbag, put handbag in litter box. 5) Stop being a total idiot, you total idiot.
Michael Bay says he's making Transformers 4 Whatever! Whatever! Whatever!
Billy Bob Thornton plans a movie inspired by his relationship with Angelina Jolie This project came about after investors soundly rejected his documentary Beating a Dead Horse for 10 Years and Filming it.
During the Grammys Oprah tweeted, "Every 1 who can please turn to OWN especially if u have a Nielsen box" Sadly, I couldn't comply as I only have a Jensen box and it doesn't register shows about spiritual awakenings, self-improvement and medical miracle cupcakes.
Disney's Maleficent will be Angelina Jolie's next movie In a very curious move, the film will feature an aging guy with a soul patch being continually tortured by Maleficent's henchmen for no apparent reason at all.
Jennifer Aniston says she has the ashes of three dead dogs on her mantel They look lovely and tasteful next to the Angelina voodoo dolls and the framed copy of a letter beginning, "Dear Billy Bob. I have a great idea for you."
Kim Kardashian has lunch with her ex Reggie Bush "Yes, " says the NFL. "She's back!"
Russell Brand was feeling reportedly "disenchanted and disillusioned" with fame Then he heard Katy Perry's new song dissing him, as well as their relationship, and immediately everything changed. "I guess I'm free to talk trash, too. I feel suddenly invigorated."
When animals allegedly attack Shakira is injured by an ornery wild sea lion while Courtney Love claims her cat was killed by a mountain lion.
Catholics are very upset with Nicki Minaj's Grammy performance Not so much because of the whole making fun of the tenets of their faith thing as because they have eyes.
Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston's epic love biscuit, says about the relationship, "I understand the curiosity, but other than saying I am happy, I am not going to indulge it. That's building your own torture device" Suggested tabloid headline: "Jennifer's man: 'I understand ... torture'."
Celebrity math Question: If Lindsay Lohan owes $140,203 in taxes and an unidentified person pays $16,500 to have dinner with Liza Minelli, why does Jennifer Lopez now have 18 fragrances on the market? Answer: It doesn't matter. Adele wins everything anyway. Fine. If you must know, the answer is 17.