Freezer-burned weekend left-overs
OFF THE RACK
Cover: Under normal circumstances it would be odd to feel sorry for a Saudi playboy prince billionaire, but when said billionaire finds himself in the crosshairs of Kim Kardashian's Man Finder, pity must be taken. Apparently Kim is looking for a "revenge romance" to make the men she's dumped feel bad. It makes no sense, but let's all still send thoughts and prayers toward Saudi Arabia.
This week in terrible mothers: Everything is mommy's fault and mommy is always in the wrong. But you knew that. And now the children of Demi Moore, Dina Lohan and, of course, Whitney Houston know it, too. These unfit women introduced their spawn to drugs and drinking and greed and general terribleness. Never mind the fathers. The important lesson here is that women cannot be trusted with children.
Cover: Brad and Angelina's imaginary wedding is a complicated affair, mainly because Angelina (WHO IS CRAZY) wants to: 1) Get married in a black dress. 2) Have a small wedding. 3) Choose her own ring. 4) Hire a band to play Eastern European folk music. 5) Have a party without a wedding cake. 6) Burn Jennifer in effigy. 7) Have her own right leg serve as her maid of honour. 8) Honeymoon on the actual moon. 9) Force the kids to cross-dress and eat eel sandwiches. 10) Make everybody around her miserable because she's CRAZY.
This week in epic love biscuits: Bradley Cooper's mom is very happy with Bradley's new and totally real girlfriend, Zoe Saldana. So happy, in fact, that she's teaching Zoe to cook Bradley's favourite meals. I think we've found the winner of Best Item Called in by Anonymous Publicist.
Cover: Oh no! Brad and Angelina's imaginary wedding is in even worse trouble than we were made to believe. But it's okay, because this story is the funniest made-up story ever. Oldest spawn, Maddox, somehow saw an article about his father's past and asked "Who is Jennifer?" Brad attempted to explain, but of course, Angie, WHO IS CRAZY, went ballistic and now the wedding is in jeopardy.
This week in feuds: Apparently the feud between the Hunger Games stars and the Twilight stars is "worse than you know." I'd say. I had no idea there was one. But Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence apparently spend all their time lying in wait, armed with, respectively, vampire fangs and bow and arrow, waiting to bite/shoot each other's eyes out. Or something.
POP GOES THE WEEK
Gwyneth Paltrow says Beyoncé and Jay-Z's baby daughter has "this glow about her" Possible explanations: 1) Radioactivity. 2) Swallowed a lightbulb. 3) Accidentally caught in the spotlight Jay-Z keeps trained on Beyoncé at all times. 4) The new Divine Toddler Torch from Mattel. 5) Fell into the gold-quarium.
Lady Gaga will have a cameo in Men in Black 3 Marking the first time an actual alien will appear in the franchise.
Meat Loaf says his new album was recorded "backstage, in hotel rooms, in closets, on buses" Which explains the title: All Revved up with Plenty of Really Crappy, Low-rent Places to go.
This week in PDAs 1) Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are observed canoodling at a party. 2) Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are observed canoodling at a party. 3) Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder are observed canoodling at a party. 4) Alexander Skarsgaard and Elizabeth Olsen are observed canoodling at a party. 5) Ashton Kutcher and Lorene Scafaria are observed canoodling at a party. 6) Angelina's right leg and the ... [I told you. Absolutely no mention of this by now, really old silliness. - meme-hating ed.]
Katy Perry pays $50,000 for cooking lessons at a charity action If you think that's a bit excessive, you've obviously never learned to make lobster with elf sauce and unicornbread.
Celebrity math Question: If Adam Sandler breaks the record of Razzie nominations with 11 while Robin Thicke and Paula Patton owe $492,583.49 in taxes, how many children does Megan Fox say that she wants? Answer: two or three but more importantly, Justin Bieber turns 18 the same week the Dow closes over 13,000 for the first time in four years. Coincidence?
This week in things Kevin Federline says without displaying the slightest hint of self awareness "I'll have [my kids] working at Mickey D's. That's how we had to do it! I worked at a car wash, I worked at a pizza place. Things like that made me. I can be in this business now and I'm still the same person I am back then."
The cast of Dancing with the Stars is Sherri Shepherd, Melissa Gilbert, Jaleel White, Martina Navratilova, Jack Wagner, Donald Driver, Maria Menounos, Roshon Fegan, William Levy, Gavin DeGraw, Gladys Knight and Katherine Jenkins Or, as we know them: vaguely, kinda, erm, maybe, somewhat, "he's some sort of athlete right?" and not at all.
Lucy Liu will play Watson in a Sherlock Holmes TV reboot "Blimey and wellingtons! A lady?" say Jude Law, Ben Kingsley and Martin Freeman, "We'll have to move the annual gathering away from the blooming burlesque theatre."
Sean Young, who was arrested after showing up at an after-Oscar party without a ticket and allegedly causing a commotion, wants an apology from the Academy "Sure, " says a rep, "We're really, really sorry you're such a complete mess."