Long-forgotten weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACKS

STAR
Cover: Could Will and Jada just file for divorce soon and get it over with? Maybe get the happy family pictures for the Men in Black 3 premiere/promotional push out of the way and then split up the assets? That way Will can hang out with his "main man" and "long-time friend" Duane Martin, with whom he has a "closer-than-close relationship." Insiders, sources and clairvoyant tabloid story maker-uppers insist that when Duane and Will hang out together, neither of them miss their wives. This week in no-good boyfriends: Miley Cyrus' friends are all, like, wanting her to, like, dump Liam Hemsworth because he's a total surfer stoner. And he's also expecting Miley to pay for everything. And stuff. Also, it's his fault Miley is smoking pot and behaving badly. Also, Miley's friends are all team Peeta.

US
Cover: In a non-surprising story, Snooki reveals that, yes, she is indeed about to gift the world with a tiny orange version of her tiny orange self. She says that, if it's a girl, "She will be pretty, popular and wear animal prints." Snooki also says that her dad was so upset over the pregnancy he didn't talk to her for a week. Which is pretty weird, considering that getting pregnant is probably the most reasonable thing she's ever done.
This week in textrayal: Robert Pattinson has allegedly been sparkling all over Katy Perry's communication device. The two are texting and talking and being secret and WHAT ABOUT ROBERT'S VAMPIRE WIFE? Oh. Katy and Robert are friends and he's concerned about her well-being after the terribly traumatic break-up from Russell Brand. Nothing to see here. Move it along.

IN TOUCH
Cover: I don't know why everyone is so upset over Sandra Bullock reportedly hooking up with Brett Ratner at the Oscars. The fact that he used to go out with Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and "a lot of hot models" shouldn't necessarily point towards serious character flaws, general creepiness and a fundamental unawareness of the importance of proper hygiene. We have all made mistakes. I know you have.
This week in fairy tales: Now that Stacy Keibler has been George Clooney's Oscar date, she's setting her sights on a new goal: being the mother of the baby George Clooney has long insisted he doesn't want. What? "George apparently has had babies on the brain for some time now." Good one, Stacy's publicist.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Being glared at by arch-rival Martha Stewart reportedly causes Rachael Ray to become so uncomfortable she abruptly leaves a restaurant In the next issue of Martha Stewart Magazine: "Ten perfect places to thwart your enemy" and "Do-it-yourself evil side-eye."
The Hunger Games actors start a promo tour of malls As part of the event, random teenagers will fight to the death using only frozen yogurt and really super-cute sneakers.
Jennifer Aniston says her happiness level is at "10-plus" "Dammit, " says Angelina Jolie. "I think it's time for me to pick up Martha Stewart Magazine."
This week in Creepy von Scummenheimers 1) Kirk Cameron says that homosexuality is destructive and detrimental to the foundations of civilization. 2) Snooki's ex-boyfriend Emilio Masella says that he hopes she miscarries. 3) Actress Patricia Wheaton tweets Sandra Fluke, the student Rush Limbaugh called a "slut, " to "stop buying toothpaste, soap and shampoo! You'll save money and no one will want to sleep with you!"
Apple's App store reaches 25 billion downloads Unfortunately for Martha Stewart, her new games, Eyes vs. Rachaels and Angry Marthas, are not to be found among the top sellers.
Whitney Purvis from 16 and Pregnant is arrested for stealing a pregnancy test at Wal-Mart Here is a tip for free: next time, steal some condoms.
The Lorax is the first bonafide blockbuster of the year Stay tuned for sequels The Flax, The Borax and The Tampax.
According The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, a study shows that wearing a lab coat can make you better at solving problems Which explains why Martha Stewart has been observed wearing white while muttering "laser eyes, laser eyes ..."
Paula Deen and her brother are sued for sexual harassment, assault and infliction of emotional distress by a former employee of their restaurant Paula Deen was going to wait a couple of years to mention it, but went ahead after securing a sponsorship contract for a new anti-harassment drug.
This week in sacrilege New York paparazzi mistake Debbie Harry for Lindsay Lohan.
This week in records 1) Representing England, Engelbert Humberdink, 75, will be the oldest contestant ever to sing in the Eurovision contest. 2) Lady Gaga is the first person to reach 20 million Twitter followers. 3) In a new personal high, Martha Stewart, in one single day, incapacitates two dogs, a mailman, a ballerina and Paula Deen, simply by rolling her eyes.
Katy Perry says that her breakup song "Part of Me" is two years old and not about Russell Brand at all She continues, "I have songs about a variety of subjects ready to go should the situation call for it. Right now I'm working on one called ‘2043: Welcome Previously Unknown Subterranean Overlords'."