Twice-chewed weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

OK!

Cover: This time it's for real. This time they will get married. This time it's not a made-up story. This time she really is pregnant. This time the happiness will last forever. The proof of this “exclusive” and “official” story: 1) The whole family went out for McDonald's together. 2) Everything at Brad and Angie's French castle looks “lush.” 3) Angie is expecting imaginary twin boys. Case closed.
This week in romance: Kim Kardashian has her claws back in Kanye West and is “giving him bedroom eyes.” No, I don't know either.
This week in baby feuds: Jessica Simpson is angry and upset because ex Nick Lachey's new wife has announced she's pregnant. How dare she be pregnant just as Jess is about to give birth? This was supposed to be Jessica's time for getting all the baby attention in the whole world.

LIFE & STYLE
Cover: This time it's for real. This time they will get married. This time it's not a made-up story. This time she really is pregnant. This time the happiness will last forever. The proof of this “world exclusive” story: 1) Jennifer has a “knowing” smile and she's “glowing.” 2) She's looking “softer.” 3) But, most importantly, she's totally old and if she doesn't have a baby RIGHT NOW and gets married RIGHT NOW, you know what awaits: dusty, shriveled-up spinsterdom. Case closed.
This week in addiction: Demi Moore still craves her drug of choice and the drug's name is Ashton Kutcher. No amount of rehab is enough to make her give up on getting back with the noted hot tub hussie fancier. She wants to chop him up and snort him. No wonder her “friends” and “sources” are “worried sick.”

ENQUIRER
Cover: Uh-oh. John Travolta put on his favourite hair piece, left the family at home and found himself a burly massage therapist on Craig's List. When it turned out that the masseur wasn't willing to provide any extra services, Johnny got all kinds of angry and started yelling. Now, his marriage is in danger of imploding. Again.
This week in spoil sports: Kris Jenner is super-upset because Bruce doesn't want his two youngest daughters to become “reality robots.” Someone (spoiler alert: yes, it's Bruce) clearly doesn't understand how the family business is run.
This week in stinky movie stars: Leo DiCaprio doesn't shower, doesn't use deodorant and leaves rotting recyclables all over the house because he's a silly environmentalist.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Julia Roberts says she and her children hardly ever watch movies because they're all “book people” Right now, she's reading the kids her own favourite tome, Magic Elves Brought Mommy all her Money.
Adam Levine, who last year tweeted, “I also would like to put an official ban on celebrity fragrances. Punishable by death from this point forward” now has his own fragrance It combines a subtle whiff of flip-flopping with an undertone of flagrant, yet fragrant, greed.
Russell Brand has been accused of snatching a photographer's cell phone and throwing it through a window Say Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell: “Through a window? Silly amateur. Call us (see what we did there?) when you throw it through an actual person.”
Hunger Games' Jennifer Lawrence says there's no feud between her and Twilight's Kristen Stewart Signs she's lying: 1) They are two successful young women in Hollywood. 2) The dust of a vampire killed by an arrow through the heart is left on Kristen's door step.
Prince Harry says, “My family is the same as any other family when it comes to humour behind closed doors” That's such a relief. I feel so much better knowing we're not the only ones dressing up as giant, cackling otters for Christmas.
Kim Kardashian is upset that Jon Hamm called her, “bleeping stupid' and tweets, “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,' is in my opinion careless” And, she continues, “it also gives me, like, a ton of publicity, so keep it coming.”
Pictures surface of Donald Trump's sons posing with wild animals, including an elephant, they killed on an African safari last year Explanations for anyone perpetrating such despicable acts range from having a tiny penis to having really small genitals.
Disappointments of the week 1) Contrary to widespread reports, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes have not broken up. 2) Sean Young will not be facing charges for slapping an Oscar security guard. 3) Dick Cheney cancels his visit to Toronto. 4) Heather Morris of Glee is the latest celebrity to have naked pictures from her cell phone posted on the web. But, despite trying for hours, I couldn't find any copies without those annoying little, strategically placed cover-up stars. 5) [You still work here. – disappointed ed.]
Celebrity math Question: If Taylor Swift made $35,719,902 in 2011, 86-year-old Dick van Dyke's new bride is 40 and the next Human Centipede will have 2,000 legs, what does Madonna have to say about her life as a single, working mother of four? Answer: That she often feels like her “head is going to explode.” Bonus round: Upon hearing that, how may struggling single, non-millionaire parents threw up on their own shoes?