Freezer-burned weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

LIFE & STYLE
Cover: The many-headed Kraken made entirely of female Kardashians has destroyed another man. It's Khloe's husband, Lamar Odom, who has had his man-parts handed to him in a box and who will be discarded shortly. Other victims are Bruce Jenner, Kim's not-really husband, brother Rob, Kourtney's guy, Scott, and Reggie Bush. And we don't know how many other men are, this very moment, kept in sheds and dungeons, unable to fight back against this monstrous regimen of women.
This week in wedding plans: "The whole world is wondering" about Brad and Angelina's wedding. It's so true. People who usually spend all their time trying not to die from starvation took time out to wonder if it will be a "private, intimate affair" in France and whether George Clooney will throw the bachelor party.

STAR
Cover: The women on this cover may not be man-destroyers, but they must still be pilloried. They are too skinny because they subsist on laxatives and count calories like Kim Kardashian counts Kanye West's money. Next week: Women with ugly cellulite who need to put down the ice cream and chew on some kale.
This week in life-coachery: Demi Moore's new bestest best friend is none other than Oprah. Because apparently Oprah isn't so busy desperately trying to make people watch her network that she doesn't have time to listen to Demi cry about Ashton's cheating ways.
This week in feuds: Taylor Swift is very upset Anne Hathaway got to be in Les Misérables and she didn't. Watch out, Anne Hathaway, next time you see Taylor, she'll trip you and then act totally surprised you fell.

ENQUIRER
Cover: Katie Couric found out that someone she used to date, but is no longer dating, cheated on her while they were dating. Moving on.
This week in, of course, poor, sad Jen is crying: You know it. When Jennifer Aniston heard the news of the engagement of the decade, she "collapsed, " according to this delightful piece of fictional fiction. We also learn that when Justin Theroux came home that fateful day she got the news, Jen was "poring over mementoes" of her life with Brad Pitt. Of course she was. A huge fight ensued, but now everything is fine ... except that Jen's "never stopped seething" over Angelina Jolie. That's a ton of years of seething. You'd think that it would leave scars and burns and bowel discomfort, but apparently not.

POP GOES THE WEEK

For the first time in 35 years no work of fiction won a Pulitzer prize The author and publishers of 50 Shades of Grey are disappointed and miffed.
The cast of Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 is called back for reshoots Fingers crossed for cameos by Buffy and Blade.
Simon Cowell buys ex-fiancée an $8-millon mansion as an apology for being a bad boyfriend One time someone forgot to pick up some old socks and a dog-eared copy of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue after we broke up. That was nice, too. 
Jason Segel is seen carrying a phone with photos of rumoured paramour Michelle Williams taped to the back In his defence, it was a rotary phone.
Angelina Jolie has been promoted from UN goodwill ambassador to special envoy and she's wearing an amazing engagement ring that experts estimate cost $500,000 One time, in Grade 5, Jennifer Aniston got a "very nice work" comment on an essay about trees and one of her cats is named Madam Snorgle. That's nice, too.
The night before the fake-gun incident, Pippa Middleton attended a soiree at which the entertainment included strippers, bondage, a fire-eater and masks The Queen is horrified and dismayed. Fire-eaters are nothing but accidents waiting to happen.
After the success at Coachella, Tupac Shakur's hologram may be going on tour with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg Meanwhile, other artists prefer to work with entities who aren't creepy representations of the dead. That's nice, too.
Lady Gaga, who is a "typical Aries, " is reportedly worried that Mercury will be in retrograde when she starts her world tour In order to counter any possibly damage this ominous state could cause, she's hired the Easter Bunny, Dead Tupac and five tiny, magical woodland creatures to perform a cleansing ritual. 
Awesome criminals of the week 1) A man tries to rob three New York State banks wielding a toilet plunger. 2) A man attempts to rob an Arkansas convenience store armed with a pair of hot dog tongs. 3) In Texas, a naked man smashes the window of a Goodwill outlet, steals a red dress and puts it on. 4) A Russian girl, 16, hires a hit man to kill her mother and specifically instructs him not to harm the family dog. 5) A Kentucky man posts photos on Facebook of himself stealing gas and then later writes, "Yea lol i went too jail over facebook."
Celebrity math Question: If Jaleel White has lost 13 lbs on Dancing with the Stars, Pauly D gets $150,000 per episode of Jersey Shore and Jon Gosselin owes $3,557.06 in child support, what are Trey Songz and David Hester of Storage Wars fighting over? Answer: The legal rights to the term, "Yuuup!"
Marilyn Manson denies ever meeting the woman who claims they're marrying "However, " he says, "my makeup isn't getting any younger, so maybe ..."