Gross, unappetizing weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: Poor, sad Jennifer is finally getting married. Pheew. We can all sleep better knowing that another millionaire superstar will finally become a wife. Sadly, she will have to walk down the aisle wearing some big sack-like, ungainly piece of dress as she's all kinds of totally pregnant. On the upside, she's getting married in a "secret location" so no one will see. Oh, wait. Her cousin just revealed it'll be in Crete. Well, there's one less person who'll be invited.
This week in sneaky plots: Concerned Jennifer and that guy she's marrying in Crete and their maybe-real spawn would get all the attention, Angie decided to tell Brad she cheated on him with some unnamed ex eight years ago. Sadly, she only got a tiny, little story out of it. Right now she's kicking something with her perfect foot. Better luck next time.

US
Cover: I'm not sure how the Kim-Kanye (Kinye? Kam? Kanyeim?) thing works? Do they take turns looking in the mirror? Do they look in the mirror at the same time? Do they do so in side-by-side mirrors? Do they share a mirror? Or would sharing a mirror interfere with their special me-me-me time? (Estimated at five hours and 32 minutes a day.) So many questions, but Westdashian can't hear them from inside their special house made of dead minks, the leather seats from luxury cars and diamond-encrusted shoes.
This week in changes: Christina Aguilera is reportedly planning a "big hair change." We can only guess what it may be, but I'm leaning towards 1) A nice, short lice cut. 2) Orange dye. 3) A bucket of snakes. 4) One of Cher's old wigs. 5) Finding out what her actual hair colour is.

ENQUIRER
Cover: Oprah is finally getting married to Stedman and it's all in order to save her unpopular network. Apparently televising her nuptials will immediately make viewers want to watch endless programs on self-improvement, spiritual awakenings and loving yourself more than you love cake. It's a really good plan and it's sure to work and she will only have to pay Stedman $100 million.
This week in Angie's special addiction: We already know she's addicted to drugs, child-hoarding, not eating and cackling whenever Jennifer doesn't quite make it to the altar, but now it's revealed that she's also addicted to her not-husband. Yes, Brad is "physically addictive" and "her world would crumble" if he left, according to experts and sources.

POP GOES THE WEEK

J.Lo buys her 25-year-old boyfriend a truck for his birthday A thoughtful gift which will come in handy when the fling is over and he has to make a living picking up bottles, dead rats and old mattress springs.
Katy Perry says she's tired of being famous, but she isn't tired of creating Possible solutions include: 1) Become a clay and gum artist. 2) Start a home business crafting plastic bag T-shirts. 3) Write dumb jokes for a daily newspaper.
Morgan Spurlock has made a documentary called Mansome which deals with the subject of male grooming Sequel possibilities include Bros-hairs and Punamusing Guylights.
Nicole Kidman will be playing Grace Kelly in a bio-pic Out there, somewhere January Jones is channeling her ice-cold rage at a random basket of kittens.
This week in vampires 1) Prince Harry spends Easter in Transylvania. 2) Kristen Stewart celebrates her 22nd birthday. 3) Still angry that the recent Muppet movie made use of "Smells Like Teen Spirit, " Courtney Love tweets that Jason Segel is a "bleeping coward" for not calling her to apologize.
The Leafs apologize for not making the playoffs In unrelated news, no one apologizes for digitally reducing Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts on the poster for The Client List.
Ashley Judd writes a scathing and insightful essay on the insidious patriarchy that makes women criticize other women's appearance Makes sense. Ugly people tend to like pontificating.
Snooki is soon going to be producing a line of children's slippers They will be available in orange and slightly less orange.
IKEA is building an entire neighbourhood outside London, England Upsides to living there: 1) It's colour coordinated. 2) The plumbing can be repaired with an Allen key. 3) If you get lost in the office-chair section you're completely and utterly doomed.
Anne Hathaway goes on an extreme diet and cuts off her hair for Les Miserables Says Daniel Day-Lewis, "Amateur. Some of us would have made a serious and concerted effort to acquire real tuberculosis."
Coreiktions & Klarrificasjons Earlier this week it was reported that Kanye West had a whole floor of toy story FAO Schwarz blocked off so that he and his new love biscuit Kim Kardashian could play "Chopsticks" on the huge piano featured in the movie Big. We apologize. The headline to this story should, of course, have read, "Tom Hanks blames himself for everything, resigns." Also, earlier in this column I wrote that the Leafs apologized for being really bad at what they do. I meant to say that it's a travesty how James Bond will be drinking Heineken, rather than his customary martini, in the upcoming movie. I also forgot to thank our sponsor, Heineken. Finally, vicious accusations that I lifted the idea of a Coreiktions section from another publication may or may not be true. [you've already said more than enough. - ed.]