Pre-chewed weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: Tommy has programmed his Katie-bot to manufacture a brand-new baby-bot. Mainly because Suri is now 6 and has lost that appealing toddler-y quality that plays so well when there are movies to promote. Katie-bot, on the other hand, wants a new baby because she hopes it will make her lord and master spend more time at home. It'll work, too.
This week in jealous brides: Justin Timberlake "feels like he's marching to the gallows" as Jessica Biel's wedding demands get more and more unreasonable. She's not, for example, interested in having his exes - notably Cameron Diaz and Britney Spears - attend. Justin doesn't understand why and "bitches" about Jessica all the time. After consulting my trusted copy of Wedding Omens & Signs of Doom: A Lighthearted Romp, I'm afraid this union isn't looking good.

US
Cover: Yes, of course you, too, can be hot like a celebrity: Eat nothing but celery dust, do five cleanses a week, hire a full-time trainer and stop hiding behind your weak excuses. It's all about priorities and sitting there reading to your kids is not going to give you an ass like Jessica Alba's.
This week in weekend trips: Even though Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher deny they're engaging in any kind of shared nekkidness, they did go on a three-day getaway to a seaside town together. Possible explanations: 1) They're both avid sport fishers who like to save on gas. 2) Mila's iPod broke and she needed someone to sing to her while she was driving. 3) It was all an elaborate ruse to cover up the fact that Mila is desperately trying to get invited to Justin Timberlake's wedding and Ashton just met a new hot-tub babe.

ENQUIRER
Cover: Here is every detail of the upcoming nuptials, brought to you by the army of spies who continue to live with Brad and Angelina without ever getting caught. The ceremony will be in the Bahamas and there will be poems and native prayers and doves, and Angelina is "filled with joy just thinking about it." AND THEN there will be a massive party at their $70-million French castle. I know. You were planning the exact same thing for your wedding and now you feel like they stole your idea. Don't worry too much, though. You can just move your wedding to your castle in Bulgaria instead. Also, Brad's family is not invited to the Bahamas because they're big blabbermouths who would talk to the media. And then the wedding plans wouldn't be secret.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Ian Somerhalder says that he's very keen on playing the role of Christian in Fifty Shades of Grey That explains the recent heaving bosoms and the mass fainting over at the League of Women who Keep Lying about Ever Reading Really Dirty Books.

This week in needless luxury 1) Mrs. Beckham designs a $129,000 Range Rover with leather seats and mohair mats. 2) At a caviar-eating contest, a Russian man eats $5,000 worth of caviar in one minute and 26 seconds. 3) A British woman named Alicia Douvall claims that she had sex with Simon Cowell 11 times in one night.
Shirley Maclaine says the upside to Dick Clark being dead is that, "now I can walk past his house in Malibu and his dogs won't attack mine. That's one good thing" In unrelated news, the glass is always half full when you don't use the water to take your daily medication.
Scientists in New Zealand predict that brothels of the future - that would be about 2050 - will be staffed by robot prostitutes Other things these scientists predicted: 1) Four-breasted Martian warrior women. 2) That their research funds may be cut off at any time. 3) Unlimited Doritos.
Lindsay Lohan is confirmed to be playing Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime biopic and Mel Gibson is in discussions to play a role in Machete Kills Says every actor who's ever had to be on Dancing with the Stars, "Does that seem entirely fair to you?"
James Cameron and Google are working on plans for asteroid mining Scientists in New Zealand predict it will be awesome. Until the asteroid people turn out to be frothing, world-conquering beasts.
Josh Hutcherson names his new puppy Driver after Ryan Gosling's character in Drive A flattered Ryan Gosling immediately names his pet rabbit That Guy Katniss Reluctantly Kisses to Save Her Life Even if Gale is Way Hotter.  
For his upcoming album, Justin Bieber has written a song about Mariah Yeater, the woman who claimed he got her pregnant, and this week he taunted her on Twitter In a press release sent out on Friday afternoon, Justin's rep further added, "neener-neener-neener."
Nicki Minaj says the voices in her head told her that she should quit Twitter They also told her to buy 4,978 pink wigs, so I guess they're only right about half of the time.  
Ohmisjons and Klaryfikasionz When Gotye told a newspaper that he found Glee's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know, " to be "dry, " "dinky and wrong" and "like it's playing to you from a cardboard box," he meant to add, "and now my handlers are telling me that I should go on a radio show and say I was so very, very wrong. So that's what I'm going to do."

The Newsroom: new trailer for the HBO series

WARNING: There may be a tiny bit of bad language, but no worse than what you mutter to yourself every morning when you wake up as you realize you can't just stay in bed.

Barack Obama's Correspondents Dinner routine

In case you missed it.

And here is Jimmy Kimmel.

And here is a picture of a surprisingly clean-looking Lindsay Lohan who brought her lawyer/conscience/overseer Shawn Chapman Holley.

(Kristoffer Tripplaar-Pool/Getty Images)

Apart from that, how was your weekend?

... brought to you by this kinda awesomely sweet picture of Jon Stewart presenting the Johnny Carson Award to Don Rickles at the Comedy Awards. (AP Photo/Charles Sykes).

Rehitched People: "They do – again! Almost four years after their surprise wedding in the Bahamas, Nick Cannon got down on one knee before Mariah Carey in a vow renewal ceremony Friday night atop the Eiffel Tower. "Tonight was an incredible night," the singer Tweeted. "I can't express how amazing it was to renew our vows in Paris at the top of the Eiffel tower." The couple have much to celebrate beyond their four-year anniversary, which falls on Monday. Along with enjoying nearly 1-year-old twins, Cannon appears to be on the mend from frightening health problems, including kidney disease."

Julianne Moore to play Carrie's mom? Deadline: "It isn’t a big surprise, but MGM has formally offered Julianne Moore the nightmarish religious fanatic mother in the Kimberly Peirce-directed remake of the 1976 film Carrie. Chloe Moretz is already set to play the title character, a young woman whose devastating telepathic powers rear up when she reaches puberty. Kevin Misher is producing. Moore’s name has been in the mix for a while, but at the time MGM maintained it was talking to numerous actresses. Now, they’ve sent Moore the script and a pay or play offer to play Margaret White, the role that Piper Laurie rode to an Oscar nomination. The film is based on the 1974 Stephen King novel that was first filmed by director Brian De Palma. Sissy Spacek played Carrie White, and both she and Laurie got Oscar noms."

Patrick Dempsey to the rescue Us: "Move over Ryan Gosling, there's a new hero in town named McDreamy! Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey rescued a teenage driver Tuesday evening after crashed his car into the actor's front yard of his Malibu home, a source confirms to Us Weekly. According to TMZ, the driver lost control of his car and overturned it multiple times before crashing into Dempsey's front yard. The source tells Us that Dempsey rushed to the car (a Mustang) with a first aid kit and fire extinguisher in hand. The 46-year-old actor freed the boy from the car before calling 911 and police arrived. No serious injuries were sustained."

Action flick for Kristen Stewart Coming Soon: "Kristen Stewart has lined up a leading role in the action film Cali, Variety reports. 30 Minutes of Less screenwriter Michael Diliberti is providing the screenplay, which will feature Stewart as Mya, a young woman who, with her boyfriend, Chris, fakes her own death as part of a snuff film and runs away. Years later, she has to return to the San Fernando valley in an effort to save her sisters. There's no director currently attached, but the plan is to shoot this summer."

And here are my pages from yesterday's paper, for those of you who couldn't be bothered to buy a paper, thus assuring that I will be eating discount catfood and living in a third-rate cardboard box in my old age. Thanks a lot. Download StargazingApril29

 

Have a great weekend

Here is a compulsively hand-holding dog.

Roller skating is the answer to everything

I never knew that. It's a wonder I'm not an incarcerated, drug-using tagger, what with not roller skating and all.

Via Neatorama.

 

John Mayer goes on a road trip in new video

Never mind Octomom. Mexican woman is expecting nine babies

Thor protect us. Here's someone else who went a bit off the rails with the fertility treatments. TMZ has this:

"Adios OctoMom ... 'cause there's a lady in Mexico who's reportedly pregnant with NINE KIDS!!!! According to reports, NueveMom has been identified as Karla Vanessa Perez ... who's one month away from giving birth to 6 girls and 3 boys. Just like Nadya Suleman, NueveMom reportedly had fertility treatments leading up to the multiple pregnancy. NueveMom told Mexico's Notimex news agency, "It's very early to think of names for the babies ... first I hope that everything goes well." So far, it's unclear if Perez is married ... rich ... sane, etc."

Pic via Daily Kitten.

This 6-year-old can play the piano better than you can

Ethan has autism and likes Billy Joel. There's a lot more here.

Jimmy Fallon's original SNL audition

Awww. So young, so thin, so nervous.

Via The Daily What.