OFF THE RACK
Cover: Tommy has programmed his Katie-bot to manufacture a brand-new baby-bot. Mainly because Suri is now 6 and has lost that appealing toddler-y quality that plays so well when there are movies to promote. Katie-bot, on the other hand, wants a new baby because she hopes it will make her lord and master spend more time at home. It'll work, too.
This week in jealous brides: Justin Timberlake "feels like he's marching to the gallows" as Jessica Biel's wedding demands get more and more unreasonable. She's not, for example, interested in having his exes - notably Cameron Diaz and Britney Spears - attend. Justin doesn't understand why and "bitches" about Jessica all the time. After consulting my trusted copy of Wedding Omens & Signs of Doom: A Lighthearted Romp, I'm afraid this union isn't looking good.
Cover: Yes, of course you, too, can be hot like a celebrity: Eat nothing but celery dust, do five cleanses a week, hire a full-time trainer and stop hiding behind your weak excuses. It's all about priorities and sitting there reading to your kids is not going to give you an ass like Jessica Alba's.
This week in weekend trips: Even though Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher deny they're engaging in any kind of shared nekkidness, they did go on a three-day getaway to a seaside town together. Possible explanations: 1) They're both avid sport fishers who like to save on gas. 2) Mila's iPod broke and she needed someone to sing to her while she was driving. 3) It was all an elaborate ruse to cover up the fact that Mila is desperately trying to get invited to Justin Timberlake's wedding and Ashton just met a new hot-tub babe.
Cover: Here is every detail of the upcoming nuptials, brought to you by the army of spies who continue to live with Brad and Angelina without ever getting caught. The ceremony will be in the Bahamas and there will be poems and native prayers and doves, and Angelina is "filled with joy just thinking about it." AND THEN there will be a massive party at their $70-million French castle. I know. You were planning the exact same thing for your wedding and now you feel like they stole your idea. Don't worry too much, though. You can just move your wedding to your castle in Bulgaria instead. Also, Brad's family is not invited to the Bahamas because they're big blabbermouths who would talk to the media. And then the wedding plans wouldn't be secret.
POP GOES THE WEEK
Ian Somerhalder says that he's very keen on playing the role of Christian in Fifty Shades of Grey That explains the recent heaving bosoms and the mass fainting over at the League of Women who Keep Lying about Ever Reading Really Dirty Books.
This week in needless luxury 1) Mrs. Beckham designs a $129,000 Range Rover with leather seats and mohair mats. 2) At a caviar-eating contest, a Russian man eats $5,000 worth of caviar in one minute and 26 seconds. 3) A British woman named Alicia Douvall claims that she had sex with Simon Cowell 11 times in one night.
Shirley Maclaine says the upside to Dick Clark being dead is that, "now I can walk past his house in Malibu and his dogs won't attack mine. That's one good thing" In unrelated news, the glass is always half full when you don't use the water to take your daily medication.
Scientists in New Zealand predict that brothels of the future - that would be about 2050 - will be staffed by robot prostitutes Other things these scientists predicted: 1) Four-breasted Martian warrior women. 2) That their research funds may be cut off at any time. 3) Unlimited Doritos.
Lindsay Lohan is confirmed to be playing Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime biopic and Mel Gibson is in discussions to play a role in Machete Kills Says every actor who's ever had to be on Dancing with the Stars, "Does that seem entirely fair to you?"
James Cameron and Google are working on plans for asteroid mining Scientists in New Zealand predict it will be awesome. Until the asteroid people turn out to be frothing, world-conquering beasts.
Josh Hutcherson names his new puppy Driver after Ryan Gosling's character in Drive A flattered Ryan Gosling immediately names his pet rabbit That Guy Katniss Reluctantly Kisses to Save Her Life Even if Gale is Way Hotter.
For his upcoming album, Justin Bieber has written a song about Mariah Yeater, the woman who claimed he got her pregnant, and this week he taunted her on Twitter In a press release sent out on Friday afternoon, Justin's rep further added, "neener-neener-neener."
Nicki Minaj says the voices in her head told her that she should quit Twitter They also told her to buy 4,978 pink wigs, so I guess they're only right about half of the time.
Ohmisjons and Klaryfikasionz When Gotye told a newspaper that he found Glee's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know, " to be "dry, " "dinky and wrong" and "like it's playing to you from a cardboard box," he meant to add, "and now my handlers are telling me that I should go on a radio show and say I was so very, very wrong. So that's what I'm going to do."