Under-seasoned weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

US
Cover: Did you know that in the history of mothers, motherhood, motherlodes, motherlands and smothering there has never been a new mother better than the mother that is Jessica Simpson? True story. She's "effortlessly maternal" and "born to be a mom." So, I'm very sorry to have to tell all the mothers out there who are celebrating Mother's Day that you are not as great at it as Jessica Simpson. Not only because you didn't raise your kids in "a jewel box of a nursery" but also because you don't have a deal worth $4 million with Weight Watchers to get rid of the baby weight.
This week in epic love biscuits: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are totally getting married really soon and the ironclad proof is that Kanye, on a new track, raps about wanting to see Kim in a white dress.

STAR
Cover: Rihanna is this close to sinking into a never-ending orgy of drug- and booze-fuelled wild partying, excessive spending and unhinged sexytime with hot girls and boys alike. Sadly, all kinds of meddlers and busybodies are trying to stop her.
This week in poor, sad Jen: It's all over for Jennifer and ersatz-Brad because she's such a nagging horror of a manliness destroyer. Justin (am I ever glad I didn't bother to learn his last name) and Jen have not been photographed together for 32 days! That's like 83 years in mega-star time. Everything fell apart when the couple moved from New York to L.A. at Jen's urging. Such a pest. Oh, and Star has yet another Brad vs. Justin comparison chart. These comparisons will presumably continue until both are dead and buried and we'll see who has the better headstone.

ENQUIRER
Cover: Gayle may betray Oprah ... zzzzz ... lesbians ... book deal ... zzzz ... tell-all ... zzzzz ...
This week in matchmaking services: Tom Cruise picked out a boyfriend for his daughter and now he wants the two to get married as soon as possible. Which sounds like a reasonable plan seeing as she's 19 and approaching old-maid territory.
Worst gold-digger ever: J.Lo wants to have a baby with her 25-year-old boyfriend, but he's all, "I'm too young." What is wrong with you? Refusing to have a baby with J.Lo is like taking your life-long meal ticket and tearing it up into pieces.
This week in bad mothers: Bradley Cooper's controlling mom is driving away all his girlfriends and she is the only reason Brad isn't happily married.

POP GOES THE WEEK

James Cameron says that, from now on, he's only making Avatar movies He's particularly excited about Avatar 9 laser 3-D: Back to Titanic and Avatar Cubed Infinity x 4: New Year's Eve.
Placido Domingo says that he's a big Lady Gaga fan ... and he also apologizes for the unfortunate Teatro dell'Opera "La Donna e Meat-dressed Perfection" incident.
This week in Stuff that's Not Recommended for Children (or for Life in General) 1) John Travolta gets sued for allegedly groping his masseurs. 2) Octomom is excited for audiences to see her solo porn. 3) Jennifer Love Hewitt's The Client List gets renewed. 4) Jennifer Love Hewitt says she's had nightmares about her breasts shrinking. 5) Jennifer Love Hewitt says she wants to play Anastasia in 50 Shades of ... [Please make it stop. - ed.]
A teacup that was once used by Lady Gaga sells at a Tokyo auction for some $75,000 Says Placido Domingo, "And I don't even like tea all that much."
Woody Allen and Lindsay Lohan have dinner together Possible subjects of their conversation 1) A movie collaboration. 2) How they accidentally ended up seated at the same restaurant table.
Andre 3000 may sign on to play Jimi Hendrix in a biopic Rumours the movie will be called Ji1001 Hen500r9 are completely unfounded.
Mila Kunis helps save a man's life after he suffers a violent, bloody seizure A rep for Ryan Gosling and Patrick Dempsey say that, while his clients are pleased that another celebrity has joined the League of Movie Star Protectors of the Earth, they thought is was a bit of a "show-offish" way to do it.
Rob Ford celebrates World Press Freedom Day and refuses to take questions from reporters Meanwhile, at the weekly weigh-in, the only thing lost was any and all knowledge of the concept of irony. Dustin Hoffman saves a Londoner who suffered a heart attack Ryan Gosling and Patrick Dempsey pout uncontrollably.
Jay-Z says of his daughter that, "at the end of the day, I just know I'll probably have the worst-spoiled little kid ever" Says Beyoncé, "Don't be silly, honey. You know we're raising her like any ordinary kid. And please remember to pick up some diamondiapers."
Matthew Fox is arrested for DUI on the way to pick up food in the middle of the night Insert your own joke here. Must contain two of the following phrases, "Lost his designated driver, " "Wonder if he Lost his appetite, " "Maybe he got Lost looking for his Lost keys" and "Team Sawyer forever."
Anecdotal evidence has it that sales of shawarma rose significantly this past week due to a certain scene in The Avengers That would explain why the National Council of Pickled Lamb, Pork in Aspic and John Travolta on a Massage Table has been lobbying the producers of Iron Man 3.