Undercooked weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR

Cover:

Oh Brad, what have you done? While Angelina was busy choosing between this castle and that castle for the wedding, did you really sit down and write sweet, sweet love letters to someone else? Because that would be terrible and cruel and unforgivable ... oh, the cute letters in question were actually written to a former girlfriend in 1988 and could therefore not have humiliated Angelina in the least. Making this a candidate for worst cover of ever.

This week in other ancient news: Cee Lo got arrested! (In 2001.)

This week in epic love biscuitry: Zac Efron is trying really hard to get a date with Rihanna. They've had a "sweet conversation" and he wants to get together with her. In related news, Rihanna just had a sandwich which wasn't really to her taste so she chewed it up and spit it out.

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: The tall Kardashian woman lost some weight by eating less and exercising more. Moving on ...
This week in fashion crimes: Apparently J.Lo's outfits have gotten worse since she said goodbye to Skeletor the Undead Master. Her "bizarre" fashion "missteps" have to do with her "acting out" after King Gloom the Cold and Pasty filed for divorce. Yes, I don't know either.
This week in who's seen Johnny Depp nekkid?: That'd be Amber Heard, who's 22 years his junior and a bisexual who just split up with her hot girlfriend. The Rum Diary co-stars have been cavorting and canoodling all over Vegas. Fortunately, Johnny never bothered to marry the mother of his children, so there is no scandal, no trouble, nothing to see here.
This week in breasts: Taylor Swift may have gotten a pair of new ones.

ENQUIRER
Cover: In least surprising news ever, Kim Kardashian has found out that her mother squirreled away all kinds of money that didn't belong to her.
This week in the truth about Tom Cruise: Some guy who once worked for Scientology is writing a book and now Katie is all kinds of upset because who knows what fabricated, gay, nasty, gay, horrible, gay, mean-spirited, gay lies will be in this book?
This week in misery and rending of clothes: It is a known fact that there is a finite amount of happiness available. This is why Jen is so upset over the Brangelina wedding. "This was going to be Jen's big year for love and happiness." Now that someone else is happy, she can't be and has called off the wedding and spends her days collecting tears in an old cup.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Alexander Skarsgaard says he was born to play Christian in 50 Shades of Grey Chris Pine and Ian Somerhalder have also expressed interest. Perhaps the female character could be cut and we could just watch these three ... [no, you're not. - ed.]
Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey renewed their vows as did LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian They all promised to love and honour the sacred principles of fame-mongering.
Vanity Fair's current issue features naked pictures of Marilyn Monroe and a story about Whitney Houston No truth to the rumour that Hologram Tupac guest-edited.
Patrick Dempsey saves a teen from a car wreck In a feeble effort to retain his title as Celebrity Hero 2012, Ryan Gosling runs out and tackles a shady looking toddler.
An Australian mining magnate is planning to build Titanic II "That's a fantastic idea, " says Evil Iceberg II.
Kris Jenner thinks that her daughter Kim Kardashian has what it takes to be mayor of the town Glendale in California Motto of Glendale: "We're behind great assets."
Perpetual winners Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are up against Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone for Best Kiss at the MTV Awards Says Ryan Gosling, "If one of you pretend to choke and let me save you, you can have the trophy."
The Yankees release a cologne with "strength and classic timelessness" while another new scent "captures the uniquely appealing scent of a freshly unwrapped" computer The good news is that now we're only an eau de Charlie Sheen's Teeth and a whiff of Octo-Odour away from having reached absolute rock-bottom when it comes to fragrances.
Complaints to the British Board of Film Classification include "A shadow (in Quantum of Solace) looked like a vagina" It's probably a good thing the complainant never saw the suspiciously breasty-looking shoe print in If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front.
Jessica Simpson gives birth For those of us who will miss pregnant Jessica, a presence in our lives for so long, Hologram Pregnant Jessica is in the works.
John Mayer's new song is a "farewell letter" to Jen Aniston Seeing as it's been some three years since they broke up, he might want to look into using a courier service next time.
Celebrity math Question: If Barry Manilow cuts the $12.6 price for his Malibu house in half and 9-month-old Harper Seven Beckham has been offered a modelling contract, what is Ashton Kutcher going to do with the $700,000 per episode he'll be getting for the next season of Two and a Half Men? Answer: Buy 12,000 hot tubs. Let's instead consider that Johnny Depp had Aerosmith play at his 10-year-old son's party, making all the other middle-aged birthday boys totally super-envious.