Saddest children's book ever

Feeling a bit too jolly today? Then check this out: Illustrator Andrew Kolb says, "Have you ever listened to a song and your mind's eye is immediately filled with visuals? David Bowie's classic space epic is one such song for me. Every lyric paints such a vivid picture that I figured "Oh hey, I guess I'll make that into a children's book!" Yes, I talk like this. Although I haven't heard from Mr. Bowie (yet), why wait to share the full book?"
You can read the whole thing here.

 
 

Programming note

It's that time of the summer when I tell you that I'm going on vacation. (Except I'm not actually going anywhere other than to local places of interest and a couple of shows and some tennis and a lot of restaurants and patios and, perhaps, a tattoo parlour). Anybestvacationever, I will be back Aug. 22 and I hope you will be back too. Last year I didn't leave you with a reading list and I got all kinds of bleep for that, so here are some suggestions:

I am planning to read Jim Butcher’s new Dresden book Ghost Story (can't wait to see what happens after the major shake-up of the series), Glen Duncan’s The Last Werewolf and Carrie Vaughn’s After the Golden Age. And I want to get to Felix J. Palma's The Map of Time. On my If-I-Have-Time List: Daniel H. Wilson’s Robopocalypse and Mira Grant’s Deadline (the sequel to the quite excellent and surprising Feed). Perhaps Moira Young’s Blood Red Road. I started it and didn’t like it much, but it’s sitting there on my Kindle and I may give it another try. And no, although I own it, I will not yet be reading A Dance with Dragons because I have to go back and re-read books 2-4 first. It’s been too long and I’ve forgotten too much. And I’ll be trying to live with the fact that Richard Kadrey’s third Sandman Slim novel, Aloha from Hell isn’t released until October.

What else can I recommend? Witches of East End by Melissa De La Cruz starts out kinda so-so but becomes more interesting as it goes on – especially for anyone keen on Norse mythology (and who isn't, really?) And then the last 30 pages are irritatingly hurried. I don’t know. Maybe I can’t recommend it at all. On a witchily related note, you may want to check out Deborah Harkness’ A Discovery of Witches. If you don’t mind a book full of neat ideas and a grand alternate history in which nothing really happens other than setting up the sequel and a lot of Twilighty-type yearning. It annoyed me a great deal, but I did read it until the end. I’ll also mention the flawed, but full-of-interesting-sad-ideas, Soft Apocalypse by Will McIntosh. And Ben Aaronovitch’s amusing, swift-paced Midnight Riot and Moon Over Soho. Caitlin Kittredge’s Black London series – Street Magic, Demon Bound and Bone Gods (and Devil’s Business, out Aug. 30) – is a nice dose of Urban Fantasy Methadone while you wait for the next Kim Harrison book.

I'll miss you a little bit.

Baby Beckham causes people to read

True story. The Daily Mail has this. (And, no, I didn't write the final sentence).

"Sales of To Kill A Mockingbird have risen by an astonishing 123 per cent on Amazon.co.uk after David and Victoria Beckham chose to name their daughter after its author Harper Lee. The novel, which was first published in 1960, rose to number 38 in the bestsellers charts after the power couple's naming of their little girl prompted fans to read the classic book. Talking about how they chose the name earlier this week, David said in a video on his Facebook page they had decided on Harper after Lee, who is Victoria's favourite author. He said: 'A lot of thought goes into our children's names and Harper was a name that we've loved for a long time for a couple of reasons. One reason is Harper's an old English name which we loved and one of the other reasons was Victoria's favourite book is To Kill A Mockingbird and the author was Harper Lee. It's a very strong, passionate book. That's where Harper came from.' The revelation that it is Victoria's favourite book may surprise some fans, because it was widely thought she had never read a book."

True Blood method acting

So, did you watch last night? Do you like the new king? Did fairieland remind you of some '80s movie-of-the-week about cults? Is it okay to just go around buying people's houses while they're away?  What did you think?

Here's a little method acting gone weird. WARNING: Blurred underpants area.

Method Shapeshifting with Marshall Allman from Janina Gavankar

And, if you missed it yesterday, here's my interview with Charlaine Harris:

Brace yourselves, Sookie Stackhouse fans, for the end is nigh. Not, mind you, for the blood-soaked hottie-rama that is HBO's True Blood, but for the series of books upon which it's based.
"I do know the end of the series. I have two more books to write in the series," says author Charlaine Harris. "That's it. I've been doing these books now for a very long time."
Pouting and pleading and sad-face won't help. "Just think of it as (excited voice) ‘THERE'S TWO MORE!' I want to go out on a high note."
And things are good for the prolific writer. She recently broke the one million mark of Sookie books downloaded to the Amazon Kindle. The 11th book, Dead Reckoning, debuted at No. 1 on the New York Times bestseller list in May and the fourth season of the critically acclaimed and highly rated True Blood starts Sunday night. And it's delicious.
Fans of the books will know what happens in the fourth instalment vis-à-vis a certain Viking-ish vampire losing his memory and needing Sookie's help and care . . . and you'll see a major and quite excellent departure from the source material involving Sookie's other vampire. Can't have Bill fade into the background on television.
Harris is pleased with the show managing to stay true to the spirit of books while simultaneously veering here and there.
"Alan (Ball)'s a genius and he got his own creative vision of where the material will go and I just watch every week in awe to see what's going to happen. I'm very excited. Some things I've been worried about are going to be taken care of in a very wonderful way, " Harris says from her home in Arkansas.
"I went to the premiere earlier this week, so I'm very up on (the new season). I think I finally nailed a premiere outfit. It was all a mystery to me. I'm very conscious of my good fortune; this is the most glamorous thing I ever do, is go to the premiere. Not too many writers get to do this so I'm extremely fortunate."
Harris, who has written and finished three other series besides the Southern Vampire books - the Harper Connelly books, the Aurora Teagarden books and the Lily Bard "Shakespeare" series - will be coming to Toronto mid-July for the Polaris Convention. She does about four conventions a year.
"Mostly, people ask the same questions over and over. They want to know how I first got published, who Sookie is going to end up with romantically, if I mind the differences between the show True Blood and the books. Those are all things people are interested in knowing."
And for the diehard fans who simply must know exactly where in Bon Temps (or is it near? I clearly need this book) Merlotte's is located, The Sookie Stackhouse Companion, which is slated for an Aug. 30 release, may offer relief. "It's kinda like a kitchen sink book." It will have an original novella, frequently asked questions, an interview with Alan Ball, timelines, a character compendium, a map of Bon Temps and recipes ("not my idea, " Harris says).
But before we get to that, Aug. 2 is the publication date for Home Improvement: The Undead Edition, a new collection of short stories edited by Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner (the Laura Fleming mysteries). The series of themed compilations - which have had contributions from Patricia Briggs, Carrie Vaughn, Tanya Huff and Jim Butcher - include Death's Excellent Vacation, Wolfsbane and Mistletoe and Many Bloody Returns. The books are one of the truly great ways for genre fans to discover new authors.
"That's what Toni Kelner and I are hoping for and that's why we have such a wide variety of writers. We try to have it be 50 per cent mystery writers and 50 per cent science fiction writers. Honestly, it's just worked out great because if we establish a theme, we never get stories that are the same. It's been the most tremendous fun for us."
But, more importantly, once the Sookie books are over and done with, what's next?
"I'm going to write something completely different."
Any hint? "No."

RANDOM QUESTIONS FOR THE AUTHOR
What's the first movie you ever saw?
"Lawrence of Arabia."
What's your favourite sports team?
"St. Louis Cardinals."
Other than family and pets, what would you first rescue from your burning house?
"The thumb drive with my next book on it."
What's your perfect day?
"I don't get any phone calls, no one comes to visit, I don't have to cook and I get to work all day."
Favourite comic book hero?
"Probably Superman."
Favourite music?
"I love Yo-Yo Ma. I'm a big cello fan."
Whom did you last want to punch in the nose?
"A driver we had in Los Angeles who made homophobic remarks."
What's your favourite vegetable?
"Eggplant."
What did you want to be when you were a kid?
"A writer."
What's your favourite swear word?
"I say s--t a lot."
What makes you laugh?
"So many things. To me, that's the essence of life, is getting to make fun of it. I laugh all the time at the crazy things people do."
What posters did you have on your wall when you were a kid?
"The Beatles, of course."
Can money buy happiness?
"No, of course it can't. I think physical health is probably the key to being happy. But, truthfully, money sure does grease the skids."
What's your greatest indulgence?
"I buy any book I want to buy."
Who was the best James Bond?
"I'm going to go with Daniel Craig on that one."
What would you be doing if you weren't a writer?
"I'd be miserable. I guess I'd be interfering in my children's lives a lot more, I think. They should be really glad I have something to do."
What are you reading right now?
"I'm reading Diana Gabaldon's The Fiery Cross."
Do you think clowns are scary?
"Yes."
What's the bravest thing you've ever done?
"Have a baby. Until you do, it you don't know how brave you're being. And I quit smoking. That was pretty brave."
Do you read the tabloids?
"No, I don't. If I want lies, I can do it on my own."
What would you sing at karaoke?
"When my sister and I were in Italy . . . long story . . . ‘Spirit in the Sky' came on and we just cut loose. I don't know if we were having a total American moment or what, but we were just singing that at the top of our lungs."
Who is your hero?
"My mother was my hero. She died last year."
If you could meet any historical figure, who would it be?
"I'm tempted to say Jesus. But that would be so . . . I don't think I could handle that. I would love to meet T.E. Lawrence."

Craft project of the day

Are you into Steampunk? Do you like making really, really complicated dolls? Do you have a colossal amount of time on your hands and no interest in spending that time volunteering at your neighbourhood foodbank? If you answered "yes" to those questions you may be the target audience for Steampunk Softies, a do-it-yourself book by Sarah Skeate and Nicola Tedman aka the people who brough you Zombie Felties. The publisher kindly sent me an unsolicited copy, but while the dolls are super-cute in that perfectly creepy way, I have to admit that I probably won't be making The Doctor anytime soon.

 

Werner Herzog narrates dirty bedtime book

And, this time around, it appears that his narration is the real deal. Unlike this, which is not:

The Guardian has this: "Legendary film director Werner Herzog has agreed to narrate an audioversion of the surprise hit Go the F--- to Sleep, a comic bedtime book for parents that has become an unlikely bestseller. Published today, the picture book begs sleepless children to "go the f--- to sleep" in a series of quaint, expletive-ridden verses. It soared to the top of book charts last month after a pirated PDF went viral, and calls this week from a New Zealand lobby group to ban it are only likely to add to its appeal. "The flowers doze low in the meadows / And high on the mountains so steep. / My life is a failure, I'm a s--tty-ass parent. / Stop f---ing with me, please, and sleep," writes author and award-winning novelist Adam Mansbach, who was moved to pen the book when his own daughter was suffering sleepless nights. "The cubs and the lions are snoring, / Wrapped in a big snuggly heap. / How come you can do all this other great s--t / But you can't lie the f--- down and sleep?" Mansbach said that "the best possible person in the world" was narrating the audiobook: Herzog. The film director's recording will be unveiled at an event to launch the book, illustrated by Ricardo Cortes for small American publisher Akashic Books, at the New York Public Library. The news came as the Christian group Family First called on New Zealand's booksellers not to stock Go the F--- to Sleep. "While in an adult context, the book may be harmless and even amusing, we have grave concerns about its effect on aggressive and dysfunctional parents, and also on children who are attracted to the book," said director Bob McCoskrie. "Because the book looks like a children's story, it could easily be mistaken by children as being for them. Some parents may even foolishly read it to their children. As well as that, the offensive language and the tone of the conversation is also concerning. Verbal abuse is a huge concern and can be very damaging to both children and adults." McCoskrie said he would rather "parents spent their hard earned money on a book on quality parenting, or a book that they can enjoy reading to their child". Family First said that it had written to New Zealand's Booksellers Association asking it not to distribute the book to retailers, but had received no response. The book trade body told local press, however, that Family First "needed a sense of humour". "It is not a children's book and booksellers will not be selling it to children," said chief executive Lincoln Gould. "It is a very funny adult's view of how difficult it is to get children to go to sleep."

(Thank you, Garnet).

UPDATE: And then there's this. I'm confused.

Evil Sandra Bullock made Jesse James turn the radio volume down

The undiluted bleep continues. When non-whorish Sandra asked her husband to turn down the volume, he had some sort of epiphany of how his entire life and manhood and general scumbaggery was being destroyed by his wife. Let that be a lesson to all you ladies out there. Don't ask a man to turn the volume down. He'll be feeling up Nazi strippers before you know it. And it won't be his fault. It will be yours. And when he humiliates you in public repeatedly and goes on to make money off of your name, it won't be his fault either.

Radar has this: "In American Outlaw, James’ take-no-prisoner auto-bio released this week, the 42-year-old grease monkey recalled a road trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, with the star of Miss Congeniality. He said a simple request by Bullock that he lower the volume of the radio triggered a sense of entrapment. “I lowered it. Of course I did,” he writes. “That’s what any husband would do for his high-class wife. She wasn’t some whore in the back of a Daytona nightclub: She was a lady, with gentler tastes,” James wrote. “But in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but feel kind of cheated. It was like I was Huckleberry Finn or something, when Widow Douglas decides to adopt him. They were ‘sivilizing’ me, and I didn’t know how to make them stop.’” James said he had become “Sandra Bullock’s husband” and a reality TV personality, neither of which felt human to him. He fantasized about stepping away from all the responsibility of his West Coast Choppers enterprise but couldn’t because of his public image with Bullock. “If I closed West Coast down, it would hurt Sandy. That was the catch. In the eyes of the public, my fate was directly tied to hers. So just like I couldn’t punch somebody’s teeth out on the red carpet, I couldn’t really f**k up businesswise, either, because it would reflect badly upon her, and probably affect her successful image,” James wrote. “You’re trapped, I thought suddenly. It came out of nowhere, but you’re trapped pretty good, aren’t you?" “I couldn’t escape. Not even for an instant. Mentally at a loss, desperate for something to make me feel like I had some sense of freedom, I ran through the list of things I could do to assert my independence over my life. Infidelity, unfortunately, was at the top of the list.” The motorcycle mogul confessed that he never felt good enough for Bullock, 46, and was never really convinced that she loved him! That, too, he claims, led to his numerous indiscretions."

Mario Lopez' new book frightens me

Mario Lopez has written a book called Extra Lean Family. I think it may be for cannibals who are worried about gaining weight and need help not snacking on overweight families. Or maybe it's about a ship-wrecked family, surviving on nothing but seaweed and coconuts for 20 years. Or perhaps, and even creepier, it's a guide to ensuring your kids get started on their eating disorders and self-loathing early in life.

Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images

Jesse James still feels sorry for himself

For those of you just joining us: I cannot post pictures. No idea why. So what you have to do here is imagine Jesse James. You know, sour-looking, heavy-set guy with a Hitler hat and a stripper in the background looking at him adoringly. Got that?

People has this:

"It's been just over a year since an affair cost him his marriage to Sandra Bullock and fallout from the scandal upended his world. "Everything got ripped to shreds," Erm, no. YOU ripped it to shreds. Things don't just spontaneously get ripped to shreds unless we're talking about natural disasters. Jesse James tells People in a candid interview, speaking from his home outside of Austin, Texas. "I was at my breaking point." A 30-day stint at Sierra Tucson treatment center in Arizona not only helped James, 42, cope at the height of the crisis but, as he writes in a new memoir, American Outlaw, it also shed light on his abusive childhood and turbulent life marked by anger and shame. "I always felt out of place my whole life," says James, who still felt unworthy despite rising to fame and success as CEO of West Coast Choppers custom motorcycle outfit and host of Discovery Channel's Monster Garage. "I never felt successful, never felt I deserved anything." Although James takes "full accountability" I believe the proper word is "blame" for his betrayal of Bullock, he isn't dwelling on past mistakes. "I'm moving forward, thinking clearly and becoming a better person. ... I have started life over." And the best way to do that is, of course, to write a tell-all book about the people whose lives you bleeped up. That's the spirit. James, who recently shut down WCC and relocated his family and work to rural Texas, says, "I've made my world pretty small. Now I can focus on what's important: making sure [my] kids get good grades and are happy and healthy." One topic too painful to include in the memoir? Louis, the adopted son James and Bullock had been raising together in secret before the scandal broke. "Talking about Louis almost felt too intimate," says James. "He is so sweet and I miss him."

Yet another literary mash-up

While we may all be a bit tired of the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies genre, I think there's room for The Meowmorphosis. Because everybody loves a man-cat. I have no idea what that means. I'm just writing random words to fill up space because I still can't post photos. Via EW.