Super Bowl ad: Seinfeld and Leno for some car

I'm feeling very tepid about this.

Unappetizing weekend left-overs

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STAR
Cover: This is a nice story brought on by genuine concern. Star wants to help the frail, sad, hungry, nervous Angie, who is all kinds of pregnant with, "the couple's third biological child." (Shiloh makes one. Vivienne makes two. Knox makes three. We may have encountered a math problem.) Distraught Angie "cries at the drop of a hat." Maybe because OLD women like her have "an increased chance the child will have a genetic disorder." Nothing but concern.
This week in risking lives: Speaking of concern ... did you know Lady Gaga "could end up dead?" Yes, true, we all could, at any given moment, but because Gaga has a relationship with that super-hot werewolf who is no longer on The Vampire Diaries, she could end up even more dead than the rest of us. Do you know that they drink and smoke pot together?

US
Cover: Just to set the record straight: Everything is Seal's fault. He is controlling and angry and likes to yell and ... wait. It's also Heidi's fault because she's workaholic who works all the time, forcing Seal to stay home. While she worked. And then he got angry. And now they have to divvy up kids, house and money. On the plus side, no one's cared this much about Heidi and Seal in years.
This week in nauseatingly happy: Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield's romance is "the real deal." Sure. Now it is. Know who else used to be happy? That's right. Seal and Heidi.
This week in even more happiness: (Formerly sad and lonely) Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux make "the picture of a happy couple." Know who else used to be exactly that kind of crazy in love? Hmm ...? Right. Seal and Heidi. Makes you think.

LIFE & STYLE
Cover: It's been at least two or three weeks since we've had an update on Shiloh's hair. But now (trademarked archetype) Evil, Uncaring and Selfish Mother Angie has allowed the kid to get a boyish haircut. Excuse me while I clutch my pearls and fan myself with my A Ladies Guide to Proper Potato Peeling, Piety & Pleasing Your Husband. We all know that short hair leads directly to horrible, unmentionable life style choices. If something isn't done, Shiloh could soon be playing with dinosaurs and cars ... Oh, my word. There she is in the photo holding a plastic dinosaur! It's almost too late for the poor, misguided child. But fortunately she has a loving father who cares even if her mother is a horrible shrew who refuses to pay for the much-needed reprogramming.

 

POP GOES THE WEEK

This week in quitting 1) Heidi Klum and Seal quit each other. 2) Paula Deen's publicist quits after the whole diabetes fiasco. 3) Demi Lovato quits Twitter. 4) Chris Hemsworth tells pregnant wife Elsa Pataky to quit horseback riding and motor biking. 5) Aretha Franklin quits her fiancé. 6) Katy Perry quits following Russell Brand on Twitter. 7) Miley Cyrus quits the last shreds of good-girl-ism and poses suggestively with a genitalia-shaped cake. 8) Pat Sajak gives up all pretence and admits to being drunk during old episodes of Wheel of Fortune.
Charlize Theron, Ryan Gosling and Michael Fassbender are viciously snubbed by the Oscars To make up for this gross injustice Charlize, Ryan and Michael will continue being 127 times hotter than all the other nominees combined.
Somewhat unclear on the concept Jessica Alba says her 3-year-old daughter likes to dress in "drag" and wears high heels and wigs all the time.
Lindsay Lohan hires a new assistant Her duties include ankle monitor maintenance, daily hair extension washing, lip injection upkeep, being a lookout as Lindsay sneaks in to parties uninvited and crying herself to sleep every night.
Kim Kardashian says ending her marriage was a bad business decision Next time she's going to make sure she has better sponsors lined up.
A teenage girl from Florida calls 911 and asks police to place her in a Christian children's shelter because she "heard her mother having sex" Says a rep for the Duggars, "It sounds like she may have misunderstood something."
Disneyland is relaxing its dress code, which allows moustaches, to allow workers to grow more facial hair And no one is more excited than Esmeralda's goatee.
There's a new guy in the running for Possible Father of Khloe Kardashian and this time it's Kris Jenner's hairdresser Very exciting for him, but not so thrilling for the other applicants, including 1) The gardener. 2) The accountant. 3) The Ghost of Christmas Past. 4) Satan. 5) Justin Bieber. 6) Jim Bob Duggar. 7) King Tut. 8) The Situation. 9) The Old Spice guy.
Commenting on the state of her relationship with Johnny Depp, Vanessa Paradis says, "In the winter I separate, in the summer I marry" Says Johnny, "In the spring I have no idea what she's talking about, in the fall I like to get really drunk."
Celebrity math Question: If Meryl Streep's recent Oscar nomination is her 17th, Chelsea Handler calls dating 50 Cent "funny" and Heidi Klum spent two weeks shopping around for a divorce lawyer, what is the combined age of the nominees in the Supporting Actor category? Answer: 313. For bonus points: What is half the price of Jennifer Aniston's new $21-million Bel Air mansion divided by the 29 years Tim Gunn has been celibate? Answer: Khloe Kardashian's estimated 291 possible daddies.

Unappetizing weekend leftovers

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STAR
Cover: Scientists estimate that if all the reports of poor, sad Jen being knocked up were true, she would now have been pregnant for 1,759 weeks and would have given birth to 17 girls, 48 boys, 11 sets of twins and a golden retriever. Most of these children would have been fathered by Brad or Brad's spirit or the memory of Brad. The rest would have been created by spinster fear. Now, that is not to say that this week's womb content isn't real. And that Jen's relationship with Justin Whatever isn't on the rocks and that she didn't weep-dial Brad and ask him to leave his un-wife and their actual and existing children. So, we'll just go with that story.
This week in other old, weepy women: Now that Ryan Reynolds is happy with Blake Lively, Sandra Bullock realizes what she's missing and is "pleading" with him to marry her.

US
Cover: Russell Brand's rep says that he is not working on a tell-all book about Katy Perry. But if he was working on that book, it would be super-mean, so Katy is worried because, "there's definitely stuff she doesn't want out there." Like how they should probably have had a talk about hopes and plans before getting married?
This week in Angie is so mean: Much like the rest of us, Angelina can't be bothered to get to know Stacy "not an elf" Keibler. Angie snubs George Clooney's current girl every chance she gets because she realizes that it would be a colossal waste of time and effort to get to know Stacy. Once awards season is done with, we'll see less and less of Stacy and George together. Then, sometime in August or September, there will be an amicable split. And the cycle will start over again.

ENQUIRER
Cover: This week in Who is Khloe Kardashian's Dad? we have a brand-new surprise contestant. Yes, it's O.J. Simpson, who is currently residing in prison, where arts and crafts hour apparently isn't enough to keep him busy. According to a "pal, " O.J. has been telling everyone who wants to hear about it (just his cellmate, really, and it's more a question of not being allowed sharp instruments or anything that could possibly be made into a sharp instrument) that he's the real father of that big, ungainly Kardashian girl. Congratulations, Khloe!
This week in good news for Sandra Bullock: Blake and Ryan both have dogs and the dogs can't stand each other and fight all the time. The dogs are totally ruining the relationship and soon Ryan will be free again.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Karl Lagerfeld gets a kitten And, despite desperate pleas from PETA, The Humane Society and Sarah McLachlan, he steadfastly refuses to explain what he plans to do with it.
David Hasselhoff announces he's cancelled his tour due to low ticket sales That's too bad. I was really looking forward to experiencing his live show where he ... you know ... and that ... that thing he does with his talent and ... stuff.
Elton John's husband David Furnish calls Madonna desperate and narcissistic And then Madonna's daughter calls Elton, "ugly and stupid" and then Elton's lawyer calls Madonna, "a stuck-up poopy-face bird" and then Madonna's pedicurist says Elton is, "many-ugly-jackets-having toupe-doodle." Meanwhile, Elton and Madonna have a really good laugh at everyone who isn't a diamond-dripping, attention-seeking, millionaire pop singer. Such fun.
To prepare for his role in Ghost Rider 2, Nicolas Cage studied ancient Egyptian dances and insect movement That's tremendous news for those of us who already have recurring nightmares involving Nicolas Cage's head on a giant praying mantis named King Tut.
Taylor Swift's next album will be about an "earth-shattering, " "crash-and-burn heartbreak" Whew. Thank you, Thor, thank you. I was so afraid the album was going to perhaps be about something not directly related to Taylor Swift's endlessly fascinating personal life and vast emotional experiences.
Lindsay Lohan and Megan Fox are reportedly both being considered for the role of Liz Taylor in an upcoming, made-for-TV movie Richard Burton has never been happier that he drank himself to death.
Steven Tyler says he fell in love with his fiancee when she took off her hair band and tied him up It was a really smoking hot and sexy thing to do but, more importantly, he just wanted to wear the hair band.
Elle Macpherson shares her secret to looking like a super model: "Don't worry about your silhouette, worry about how you feel" Thank you, Elle. I don't know what "silhouette" means and right now I feel like a jelly donut cheesecake and a bowl of bacon soup, so I should be well on my way to perfection.
Kim Kardashian apparently bailed out on the People's Choice Awards because she "didn't feel good about herself" It was such an unfamiliar sensation she had to take time to reflect upon the phenomenon to figure out what it all meant. Fortunately, upon being informed there is no money to be made from existential malaise, she snapped out of it.
A French couple, who were charged with acting against the interest of the child when they named their baby after Damon from The Vampire Diaries, are cleared of all wrong-doing To celebrate, they took Damon and Igor, Betelgeuse and the twins, Darth and Drusilla, out for milk shakes and still-beating hearts.

Dried-out weekend left-overs

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STAR
Cover: So, according to some greedy, nasty exes of the late Robert Kardashian, Khloe is not a real Kardashian because Momma Kris was being all kinds of unfaithful. And just look at Khloe. She's like, big and stuff and her hair is not shiny. Proof right there. But if Khloe isn't a Kardashian, what is she then? Possibilities include: 1) A hologram. 2) A friendly android. 3) A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. (Please submit your own suggestions to 1-800-YOU-WIN-NOTHING.) But wait! There is more! Apparently, step-dad Bruce Jenner is a total cross-dresser. Will the surprises ever stop coming? But wait! There is more! His son, Brody Jenner, is totally engaged to Avril Lavigne. They're meant for each other because (and I wish I'd made this up): "He's a cool Malibu surfer type, she's a pale rocker from Canada."

US
Cover: Us gave Jessica Biel exactly 12 days and seven hours in which to be thrilled about her upcoming Justinuptials. Now it's time to drag out her concerned friends and hear their concerns. They're concerned about his cheating ways and they're concerned about her fragile, breakable heart and they're just concerned in general because that's their job. One says, "I think he'll be more strategic about his affairs, maybe do it less." I think that sounds reasonable. All anyone can ask for, really.
This week in poor, sad Jen: While Brad and his Jezebel clogged up every red carpet in creation, Jennifer managed to find some solace skiing with her current man person in Telluride.
This week in no luck: Jake Gyllenhaal needs a new love biscuit and asked Minka Kelly. But she was all "I'm still hankering for Derek Jeter."

LIFE & STYLE
Cover: First there was the crushing news about Khloe not being real. And now there is this story about how that guy Kim was briefly pretending to be married to will KRUSH her. He wants to somehow force the show off the air. Poor Kim. She'll be so distraught she won't be able to plan how to sneak into the Golden Globes disguised as a seat-filler. So sad.
This week in weepy princesses: Kate is sad and constantly crying and "extremely anxious." Why, you may ask? Because her newly acquired husband is deploying to the Falkland Islands. For six whole weeks. How will she ever cope? You think about that the next time you're whining about silly things like how to pay the rent and feed your kids while working minimum wage. Stop being so selfish.

 

POP GOES THE WEEK

Katherine Heigl blogs for iVillage about how difficult it is for her to balance all her many responsibilities Fans of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum character, meanwhile, find it difficult to balance all their many-facetted anger over Heigl starring in One for the Money.
There was initially some confusion as to whether Beyonce and Jay-Z had named their new daughter Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy. We now, of course, know it's Blue Ivy Good choice. Rather a super villain with a poignant back-story than a classic, understated wall colour.
Lindsay Lohan gets a new tattoo reading, "live without regrets" Don't blame her. The tattoo artist couldn't spell "quiet contemplation, common sense and a modicum of dignity."
Tim Burton wants Robert Downey Jr. to play Geppetto in a live-action Pinocchio movie OMG! Is Johnny Depp dead?
Kate Gosselin will host an upcoming cruise for Royal Caribbean Says Jon Gosselin, "that's nice and fancy and all, but justlast Friday I hosted a get-together for Old Milwaukee at the 7-Eleven. Well, the 7-Eleven parking lot, but still."
Least Surprising Thing Ever of the week A Wisconsin man named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-bop-bop is arrested on marijuana charges.
Even Less Surprising Thing Ever Snoop Dogg is arrested for marijuana possession.
Old Hollywood update 1) Kim Novak is upset the movie The Artist uses part of the score from Vertigo and says, "I want to report a rape ... My body of work has been violated by The Artist." 2) Lindsay Lohan is in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie. 3) Betty White will be hosting a Candid Camera-style show. 4) Scientists at McGill have created monster ants. 5) Well, we don't have a Crazy Horrible Things No One Should Ever Contemplate category this week, do we?
Kirsten Dunst and Selena Gomez are granted three-year restraining orders against their respective stalkers So, all the stalkers have to do is swap obsession and they can ... Sorry ... I've said too much.
Katy Perry says we shouldn't believe anything her family or "close sources" say about her Does that mean the story about Russell Brand having a dungeon full of amorous, drug-addled Yetis isn't entirely true?
Hostess, maker of Twinkies and Sno-balls and happiness files for bankruptcy I blame bran muffins and Jamie Oliver's food revolution and low-carb diets. And Gwyneth Paltrow.
A group of French Michael Jackson fans are suing Conrad Murray for "emotional damage" suffered as a result of their idol's death This is just a guess, but I sense there may have been some emotional damage to begin with.
Justin Bieber says not to expect him to sing about, "sex, drugs and swearing" even though he's turning 18 Too bad. I was looking forward to, "Never say Never to Bleeping Heroin, Copulation and Bleeping."

 

Charlie Sheen says he is done being crazy

Well, it was entertaining while it lasted, but it seems that a careful blend of better meds and the desire to make more money, has caused Charlie to calm down. People has this:

"Charlie Sheen says that last year's headline-making antics are indeed a thing of the past. "I'm not crazy any more. That was an episode," Sheen says, laughing, as he spoke with reporters at Sunday night's Fox Network Television Critics Association party in Pasadena, Calif. "I think I'm a different person than I was yesterday. Everything is a lot more mellow and focused and much more rooted in reality." Sheen, 46, couldn't be more Zen about his new FX show, Anger Management, in which he will star and produce. He reports that casting is underway and that they will shoot 10 episodes in six weeks. "I've been at this 30 years. It's nice to be in a situation where the people I'm working with are excited about my input. That wasn't the case for a long time," Sheen says. Of late, Sheen says, instead of sounding off on Twitter, "I've been spending a lot of time with the kids, a lot of time with the family and I'm getting back into work mode," adding that he is goddess-free these days. "I'm a single guy hanging out with my children." Asked if he has been in contact with his former Two and a Half Men costar Jon Cryer, or producer Chuck Lorre, Sheen says, "Jon and I text. Chuck, no, but at some point we are going to have to get some closure there."

Freezer-burned weekend left-overs

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STAR
Cover: This is not a story about how Brad has been out putting babies in all kinds of skanks. No, this is a story about how Brad had neglected to tell Angie that, back while he was still married to Jen, his now-ex had a miscarriage. The revelation that Brad and Jen had at some point planned to have a kid apparently "infuriated" Angie so much that that it's put the fate of her and Brad's relationship in danger. It's a sad, sad story on so many levels, but, first and foremost because Star neglected to put Jennifer's name on the cover. Who is in charge over there? "Other woman" when you could have "poor, sad Jen?"
This week in Kim: Kanye West's former girlfriend says that Kim Kardashian is a total home wrecker who must burn in reality-TV-dynasty hell for putting her slimy hands on Kanye even though he had a hot girlfriend.

US
Cover: Team Katy definitely deserves a ribbon, and perhaps even a Participation trophy, for their stellar work on behalf of Ms Perry. Not only do they make Russell Brand out to be a never-quite-recovered addict, they also reveal how he never supported Katy's artistic endeavours and didn't understand that she is a good Christian girl. But, most importantly, they slip in the delightful infomorsel that he's really, really into watching wheelchair porn. I'm not sure why that is worse than other porn, but I bet the "sources, " "insiders" and "pals" had a good time making it up.
This week in totally real epic love biscuits: Freshly single Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper are all kinds of in love even though it doesn't appear as if either of them is currently promoting a project. Yet another excellent PR team that's really earning its keep.

ENQUIRER
Cover: So, this one time in Turks & Caicos, Brandi Glanville (who used to be married to Eddie Cibrian before he ran off with Leann Rimes) totally had a sexy something-something with Demi Moore. The "tryst" a.k.a. "romp" a.k.a. "fling" took place while Ashton was in the next room. Which just goes to show that it's all Demi's fault for being a total lesbian and driving Ashton into hot tubs where nubile non-lesbians were waiting to console him. Makes perfect sense.
This week in bargaining: Matthew McConaughey has proposed to Camilla Alvez because he wants more kids. They already have two, but apparently feel the need to add to their collective family carbon footprint. And Camilla was all, "Only if you marry me first, dude." Well done.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Lindsay Lohan calls police to report that a creepy, older man keeps knocking on her door I think it's nice and kinda sweet that Hugh Hefner went out of his way to personally say thank you for the Playboy spread.
Possible reasons for Russell Brand and Katy Perry breaking up 1) She didn't understand a single word he was saying. 2) Despite his lactose intolerance she kept refusing to take off that whipped-cream bra. 3) According to the trusted Mayan calendar, they'd already stayed together for too long.
A report this week claims Clint Eastwood has befriended a squirrel and is "obsessed" with the creature. He calls it Lola and leaves his office door open so she can come in to visit The story continues, "I bet I'm not the only reporter who hates the holidays when nothing interesting happens and I have to make up weird stories to fill space. But, to my credit, at least this one is completely bat-bleep insane. Stay tuned for next year when Mickey Rourke marries the ghost of his dead dog."
Angelina Jolie bought Brad Pitt a waterfall for Christmas Typical reactions to this piece of news include 1) My life sucks. 2) I hate my life so much. 3) My existence is an endless vale of tears dripping on leftover discount microwave pizza.
A Baltimore man named Omar Little Jr. is arrested for possession of a handgun That's fantastic news for the overly-devoted fans of The Wire. It's been a while since they've had the opportunity to nod knowingly at one another.
Stacy Keibler reportedly told friends she's sure that she'll eventually have babies with George Clooney In unrelated and unsolicited advice, don't waste too much time looking for an Oscar dress, Stacy.
The president of E! says of the Kardashians that, according to "research I've seen, people aspire to be them or to befriend them" This reliable research was conducted by the firm of Kash, Krap & Koercion.
Star of The Hobbit, Martin Freeman, says he thinks that Bilbo has had sex and tried to convince Peter Jackson to write it into the movie Jackson didn't do it but, in case Freeman is interested, fan fiction writers ShireGrrl, Sauromp and HobbitFeet69 have a few ideas.
Rosie O'Donnell is denied entrance to Sean Combs' New Year's party when she shows up with an entourage of six So annoying. The invite clearly stated, "You are restricted to one actual friend, two simpering sycophants, a brownnoser and one gold-digger. No exceptions."
Demi Moore will play Gloria Steinem in the Linda Lovelace biopic [There are so many possibilities here and I know I won't like any of them. – ed.]
Just when you thought you didn't believe in 100 per cent sure signs of world-ending Paris Hilton says that she's made $1.3 billion in seven years.
And in an unrelated end of days item ... Kanye West expresses interest in, "picking up where Steve Jobs left off."

Decomposing weekend left-overs

Only a small selection this time as there was no Pop Goes the Week. We should be back to normal, or what passes for it, next week.

OFF THE RACK

US
Cover: Things are finally back to normal. After a few days of celebrating the baby Jesus by shoving fruit cake down our throats, it's back to dieting. And who better to share their slimming tips than the stars, who have trainers, cooks, nutritionists and sycophants on call 24/7? Their advice is easily transferable to the rest of us. Like Gwyneth, you too need to grow your own vegetables and work out for 90 minutes every single day. And if you can't, like Kate Hudson did, wear a bikini seven weeks after giving birth, you're just not trying.
This week in epic love biscuits: After a fight during which Katy Perry said, "Bleep you, I'm going to do my own thing, " and Russell Brand replied, "Fine, bleep you too" the couple spent Christmas apart. Probably to have some extra time to come up with more cutting and witty repartee.

LIFE & STYLE
Cover: Just so you know. Even if you lose all that flab and you're all kinds of pretty and your sister is a princess, the chances that you'll be an old, dusty maid are still pretty good. Just look at Pippa. She is 28 and still unmarried. It's shocking, I know. She may as well just give up, because, let's face it, that train has put a fascinator on it and left the station. This year alone, poor Pippa had to endure going to seven weddings, "watching from the sidelines." It's a true, modern-day tragedy is what it is.
This week in a few extra pounds: I know it's complicated but, just in case you thought being thin is always good, don't forget that Katie Holmes has been "scary-skinny" for a while. But now she's put on a bit of weight and looks better. Yay! Go her! Just as long as she doesn't gain too much, of course, and becomes a total heifer.

STAR
Cover: When dieting and exercise isn't enough, it's time for Mr. Knife. He can fix anything. And if you don't like the results the first time around, you can just go back for more and more and more. Like Daryl Hannah and Melanie Griffith and Marie Osmond did. Before the surgery they were plain. Now they're beautiful sirens of natural amazingness.
This week in manly weight gain: Robert Pattinson has packed on the pounds since he stopped having to look like a pale, tortured, sparkling vampire. Now he eats "pizza, fried fish, French fries, burgers and beer" non-stop.
This week in party girl fanciers: Don't know if Ashton Kutcher gained weight, but we do know that, while in Berlin, he gained "a beautiful brunette" and a "blonde in knee socks."

 

Staler-than-last-year's-fruitcake weekend left-overs

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US
Cover: Will the waking nightmare of privilege that is Kate's life ever ease? No, it will not. And it's especially terrible around Christmas, which is "protocol laced with pitfalls" and a nearly un-navigable maze of outfit changes, church and presents. If only Kate was an unemployed mother of five who'd just lost her house, she wouldn't have to suffer through pheasant hunting. What's so bad about pheasant hunting? Kate will not be allowed to wear jeans. Her life is a modern Christmas tragedy with a sprinkling of medieval torture.
This week in mysteries: Yes, why could Sandra Bullock possibly have trust issues and be afraid to date? It's a mystery. On the upside, at 47, she is now so, "perfectly tight and toned" it's "hard to believe her age." Whew. She might just have bought herself one or two more years of career.

STAR
Cover: Happy anniversary! This is the 200th tabloid cover attempting to stuff something into Jennifer Aniston's womb. BUT! This particular story has a solid source (and I swear I'm not making this up): A nosy neighbour who says his/her kitchen overlooks Jen's bedroom and that he/she's seen Jen looking bloated and eating Haagen-Dazs and not drinking and not "lifting a finger." By that measure, except for the not drinking part, I should have at least 25 children. On the upside, it shouldn't be too difficult for poor, sad Jen and her hot, looks-like-he'd-do-OK-in-a-fight boyfriend to find out who the creepoid stalker is.
This week in that's kinda the point: Someone who has no idea about anything says Miley smoked so much pot, "her eyes were glassed over and she was talking gibberish."

ENQUIRER
Cover: So, in the least surprising story of the week, Kim Kardashian went to Haiti to make it look like she's not a horrible, covetous person, but ended up spending her time with "well-heeled" locals at a luxury hotel.
This week in more Christmas woe for Kate: Not only will Kate be forced to wear corduroy when she goes pheasant hunting, there's also the very super-real, indisputable, certain possibility that her husband totally wants to get some of that Pippa action. Oh, yes. Everyone is in love with Pippa, including William, who's invited her to Christmas so he can stare at her Christmas rump during carol singing. Or something. And, don't you know it, this could bring down the monarchy. Just like that. We live in perilous times, indeed.

POP GOES THE WEEK

This week in The Kardashians (because most real celebrities are taking a holiday break from spotlight-seeking and I need something to fill this space) 1) Lamar Odom's new coach, Rick Carlisle, says Khloe is his favourite Kardashian. 2) Kim travels to Haiti to help the unfortunate. 3) Kendall Jenner, 16, poses in skimpy clothing for Lovecat Magazine. 4) Someone throws flour at Kim Kardashian's friend Jonathan Cheban, yelling, "this is for Kris Humphries." 5) Arbiter of taste and decorum, Janice Dickinson, calls the Kardashians "whores and sluts."
Jennifer Aniston is voted the Hottest Woman of all Time by readers of Men's Health Magazine More proof readers of Men's Health spend too much time worrying about their health and not enough worrying about Raquel Welch, Marilyn Monroe, Halle Berry, Rita Hayworth, Charlize Theron, Brigitte Bardot, Mila Kunis, Elizabeth Taylor and Lauren Bacall and Coco Austin.
On her way to a boat party in Hawaii, Lindsay Lohan loses her $5,000 Chanel bag, which contained her passports, other personal documents and $10,000 Well, at least she didn't lose her common sense.
Tom Cruise says he and Katie took hip-hop classes while he was preparing to star in Rock of Ages Dear Thor, Baby Jesus and Fire-god of Sysxon: I never ask you for anything, so I think you owe me some medium-quality video of those classes.
An Italian woman leaves 10 million Euros to her cat Whiskers von Diamond Paws IV will take his grain-fed, organic, Champagne-poached giblets in the library. It will cheer him up while he worries that 10 million Euros isn't what it used to be.
Charlie Sheen's ex Brooke Mueller's 278th attempt at rehab will be conducted at home It's been shown to work as well as clinic treatment. Also, Dimebag Bo knows the address.
Jessica Simpson will get paid $3 million for losing her baby weight with Weight Watchers Says Whiskers, "That's the difference between real privilege and the desperate, plebeian graspings of the nouveau riche, borderline proletariat."
Jennifer Love-Hewitt is seen carrying around the self-help book, Why Men Love Bitches Congratulations, Jennifer Love-Hewitt's next boyfriend.
Orson Welles' Citizen Kane Oscar is up for auction [I'm just going to go ahead and stop you before you try anything containing the word "rosebid." –ed.]
Angelina Jolie says that Christmas shopping on Amazon confuses her So, once again, the kids will be getting toys, ponies, clothes, bikes, electronics and souls scarred by the constant flashes of the photographers.
Jennifer Garner says she'd do anything for husband Ben Affleck That explains why she walks like … [change of plans. Go crazy with "rosebid." –ed.]

Freezer-burned weekend left-overs

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STAR
Cover: All that's left for Will and Jada to do is divvy up their vast and enormous bags and mounds of money. They've been apart for ages and Will is now spending all his time hanging out with "male friends, " "male pals" and "guy friends." No word on whether he has any "guy pals." But I wouldn't be surprised if he did.
This week in Twilight heartache: Robert Pattinson, who totally used to be the best thing ever, has turned into an un-sparkly romance killer, who went to some bar with some girl WHO CLEARLY WASN'T KRISTEN STEWART. OMG! SO EVIL! KILL HIM. KILL HIM WITH FIRE. Does he not know that, according to their vampire documentary, they're supposed to be together forever? The floozy's name is Sarah Roemer and OMG! SHE'S KRISTEN'S FRIEND. But, it's Kristen's fault for being clingy. So there's that.

US
Cover: Now that Mama Kardashian's favourite earner, Kim (along with her income potential), has been tainted and soiled by that whole marriage fiasco, it's time for trusted bench player Khloe to step up and do her part for the family coffers. And she does so with élan. Watch out, Kim and Kourtney! After this excellent story about how "desperate" she is to have a baby, Khloe's Christmas bonus just ate part of yours.
This week in whew: Turns out that the girl Robert Pattinson was seen with is not a cheat-toy and he "would never in a million years" step out on his girlfriend. We can all sleep better.
This week in awkward: Demi Moore accidentally ran into her ex - and renowned hot-tub party girl connoisseur - Ashton Kutcher and they were forced to make uncomfortable conversation. So much fun.

ENQUIRER
Cover: Skinny, bony, shrunken, rattling Angelina suffered an overdose and nearly died. That's terrible and shocking and she and Brad want to hide it from the kids. I hope she is getting the help she needs ... Oh. It was 14 years ago. Never mind then.
This week in how the mighty have fallen: Just a few months ago, Kim was the princess of everything and now she's been reduced to some sort of Typhoid Mary whose "ugly scabs and scales" and a "flesh-creeping condition" cover her body. No, it's not the plague or anything. We've known for a while that she lives with psoriasis, but now that she has besmirched the institution of marriage, is it not reasonable to conclude that she kinda deserves having a chronic condition? I, for one, think so. Harlot.

POP GOES THE WEEK

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey's twins Moroccan and Monroe are only seven months old but, according to Nick, they're already talking Specifically they're talking about how they would appreciate not having their diapers bedazzled with Swarovski crystals.
Fox News renews the attack on The Muppets for being anti-Capitalist "Also, " a Fox spokesperson says, "through our serious and tireless reporting we've established that they may not be entirely human and we have not ruled out an insidious attempt by Communists to infiltrate the earth with felt."
Director Andrew Stanton says he changed the film title Princess of Mars to John Carter of Mars because no boys would see a movie with the word "Princess" in the title and then he changed John Carter of Mars to John Carter because no girls would see a movie with the word "Mars" in the title I just changed the name Andrew Stanton to Idiot Dude from 1951-Land. Fun and easy.
Asked for the 4,053rd time about her kids' view on their parents not being married, Angelina Jolie says, "They have asked, yeah, because ... people get married in the movies. Shrek and Fiona are married, you know?" A concerned Fox spokesperson notes, "that's all well and good, but is anyone else worried that the donkey may be controlled by Castro?"
Larry King wants to be frozen when he dies Reasons include 1) He really doesn't trust the re-animated corpse of Piers Morgan to interview the robot overlords after they take over in 2287. 2) He and Simon Cowell made a bet as to who of them can beat up Ted Williams. 3) The future Lizard People of Kepler-22b may be needing a new high counsellor.
Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon and Cameron Diaz are seen together at a restaurant 4) He wants to be around when the world is ruled by Descendants of the Terrifying Flaxen-haired Triumvirate.
Les Miserables will not be shot in 3D Thank you.
This week in Stay Classy, Gents 1) Jesse James refers to Sandra Bullock as "some Hollywood actress." 2) John Rich of Big & Rich is allegedly kicked off a plane for being drunk. 3) Alec Baldwin likens American Airlines attendants to, "retired Catholic school gym teachers from the 1950s."
A post on a Bollywood blog claims some 200 people were paid the equivalent of $3 each to show up at the airport in Mumbai to scream and act excited as Tom Cruise arrived Suri immediately demands an increase of her photo op fee.
Ashton Kutcher has taken off his wedding ring as well as his Kabbalah bracelet He is, however, still wearing his Silly Bandz and his braces.
Helena Bonham Carter says her husband's Dark Shadows will be "impossible to sell, frankly" In unrelated news, Tim Burton says that having a civil family dinner any time soon will be, "impossible as hell, frankly."

 

Extra-soggy weekend left-overs

OFF THE RACK

STAR
Cover: Ah, the truth will out. The failure of Kim's marriage had nothing to do with the fact that it was a fake, staged event designed for profit and maximum exposure and to showcase Mama Kardashian's new face. It was because Kris Humphries is a gay that gays with the gays in all kinds of gay ways. The proof of all this gayness: He likes nice suits and would rather watch sports than have sexytime with Kim. The Kardashian "sources, " "friends, " "pals" and "insiders" are really earning their keep this week.
This week in disapproving mothers: J.Lo's mom is super-upset that her daughter has taken up with a 24-year-old. Not because he looks like the result of an unholy union between The Situation and Kevin Federline, but because he's a back-up dancer. She could at least have gone for the drummer like a normal girl.

IN TOUCH
Cover: Dear [fill in the blank]: We hope you can make it to our imaginary, yet magical, wedding, which will take place at the Isle of Wight on some imaginary date at a not-fixed point in the future. Kristen will, of course, be wearing the original Twilight wedding dress while Robert will be wearing whatever's in the hamper. While we're waiting for our wedding, we're planning to take a year off to have a baby. Not a blood-sucking vampire one, though. Because we're told they don't actually exist. Bummer. We also like to "snuggle" in "romantic cafes." And, in case you're wondering, this is a real invitation that's real because we're already sharing an apartment and that's a sign we're about to get married. Also: The heads of all our fans would explode and we totally dig explosions. Sincerely, Kristen and Robert.

ENQUIRER
Cover: The skinny are too skinny and the fat are too fat. I'm also pretty sure that the perfectly proportioned are too perfectly proportioned, although it's not mentioned here.
This week in Angie is crazy: I've been wondering what happened to Shiloh, whose reckless mother lets her dress like a boy. Finally there's an update. Brad is all kinds of furious and wants to force the kid to wear a dress. He's bought her pink outfits and some dolls to set her on the path to proper gender identification. Apparently he's afraid that if Shiloh is allowed to be herself she will become a heroin smoker. Like her mom. Who, as far as I know, does not dress in men's clothes, but why let such details stand in the way? Nice story, Jennifer Aniston's assistant.

POP GOES THE WEEK

This week in thwarted career plans A) Angelina Jolie says she would have liked to have been a funeral director. B) Mindy Kaling says she would have liked to be an OB-GYN. C) Kim Kardashian says she would have liked to have been married just long enough for a spinoff series.
Deadmau5 would consider collaborating with will.i.am - but only anonymously We're looking forward to h8.2.spel.
Demi Moore is absent as her daughter Tallulah is introduced into high society at Le Bal des Debutantes in Paris Possible reasons: 1) She's going through a painful divorce. 2) She had work commitments. 3) She was busy having dinner with a "mystery man." 4) She was trying to look for hidden messages in Ashton's tweeted photo of himself in a field with a cow. 5) She thinks the idea of a debutante ball in this day and age is completely and utterly ridiculous.
Guy Ritchie reveals it was almost like a "soap opera" being married to Madonna "Especially that time when Madonna's long-lost drowned sister returned with a new face and revealed Madonna keeps the still-beating heart of an insolent assistant in her satanic temple. Oh, wait. That was real."
Dear Penthouse: I never thought it would happen to me Penn Badgley recalls that once "40 or 50 Catholic schoolgirls all swarmed me and pinned me up against a chain-link fence."
Pippa Middleton gets a deal worth some $700,000 for a book on being a perfect hostess Chapter One: "When your sister is the future queen, no one says no to your invitation." Chapter Two: "When your sister is the future queen, you can serve dry bread in an old shoe." Chapter Three: "When your sister is the future queen, you can tell your guests they're boring, force them to do the dishes and they'll still show up next time (please see Chapter One)."
Bridal store employees say that Twilight fans are lying about being engaged in order to try on a copy of Bella's dress That's just awful and ridiculous and shameful and also very silly. Is there nothing people won't do? I simply cannot imagine why any bridal shop employee would reveal this to the press. And it wasn't even a total lie. I could, totally, possibly, at some point in the future, get engaged.
Miley Cyrus's spokesperson says that Miley was only joking when she referred to herself as a stoner "You know, " he continued, "how silly she gets when she's hot-boxing."
Anna Hathaway announces she's gotten engaged Nice try, Anne, but they are still not going to let you try on Bella's dress.
Quill.com and Staples will sell Dunder Mifflin-branded paper products Finally a great Christmas present for that uncle who incessantly quotes Dwight and really, really loves paper.
Lindsay's little sister, Ali Lohan, scoffs at the rumours she had plastic surgery because, "I'm 17 years old ... I would need my mother's signature, and do you think my mom would sign off on that?" Is that a trick question?