Best email ever

As you're well aware, my email usually fall into these categories: A) People who want to sell me something. B) People who want to buy something I've never heard of. C) Hate. But I just received a wonderful and very different mail with the opportunity to change my life and I just couldn't wait to share:

Google Incorporation. [designa@cable.net.co] GOOGLE WINNING NOTIFICATION.

 We wish to congratulate you once again on this note, for being part  of our lucky winners selected this year. This promotion was set-up to  encourage the active use of the Google search engine and the Google ancillary services. Hence we do believe with your winning prize, you will continue to be active and patronage to this company. Google is now the world leading search  engine worldwide, and in an effort to sure that it remains the most widely  used search engine, an online e-mail balloting was carried out without  your knowledge and it was officially released today. We wish to formally  announced to you that your email address was attached the sum of 450,000.00  {Four Hundred and Fifty Thousand Great British Pounds Sterling's}. WOW. JUST WOW. I’M SO EXCITED I MAY HAVE JUST SOILED MY UNDERGARMENTS. THIS WAS SO UNEXPECTED. I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT I WAS ENTERED INTO A CONTEST WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. I’M JUST HAPPY IT WASN’T THE "WHO GETS EATEN BY A SHARK THIS WEEK" LOTTERY.

We also wish to inform you that you have successfully passed the requirements, statutory obligations, verifications and our  satisfactory report test conducted for all our online winners. A winning Cheque will be  issued in your name by Google Promotion Award Team, and also a certificate of  prize claims will be sent along side your winning Cheque. These are your award details. Security Code Number: GOOGLE/7484/GOOGLE Ticket No: GOOGLE/8936/7374 Winning Number: GOOGLE/9743/333/2011

Information's required from you are part of our precautionary measure  to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program. OF COURSE. MAKES PERFECT SENSE. THE WORLD IS FULL OF SCAMMERS. I SPIT ON THEM To claim your  won prize, please contact our Foreign Transfer Manager MR. BRIAN ROBINSON  neatly filling the verification and fund release form below.

VERIFICATION AND FUNDS RELEASE FORM.

 (1) Your contact address. THE ROSELAWN HOME FOR SPECIAL CHILDREN

(2) Your Tel/Fax numbers. 555-555-5555555 and 5555-55-55555

(3) Your Nationality/Country. I’M ORIGINALLY FROM GLAZHOR-5

(4) Your Full Name. MALENE (NOT MARLENE, MOLLENE, MAYLEEN OR MR. ARPREE)

(5) Sex. NOT UNLESS YOU BUY ME DINNER

(6) Occupation. COUNTING GEKKOS FOR THE CORPORATION

(7) Age. NOT AS OLD AS YOUR MOTHER

(8) Ever won an online lottery ? NO, BUT I ONCE ATE A KILO OF ICECREAM WITHOUT VOMITING

Mode of Prize Remittance.

(1) Courier Delivery Of your Certified Winning Cheque Name and other Winning IS THE COURIER CUTE?

Documents safely to you.

(2) Bank Transfer of your Winning to your account. ONLY IF IT MEANS I GET TO GIVE YOU ALL MY BANKING INFORMATION

You are advised to contact your Foreign Transfer Manager MR. BRIAN  ROBINSON with his private email details below to avoid unnecessary delay and complications:

***********************************************

FOREIGN CLAIMS MANAGER MR. BRIAN ROBINSON. GOOGLE VALIDATION DEPARTMENT (UK). E-mail: google.unit@blumail.org

I FOUND IT A BIT STRANGE THAT HE DOESN’T USE GMAIL. BUT AFTER THINKING IT OVER AND SOAKING MY HANDS IN GIN, I THINK I UNDERSTAND THAT IT’S TO FOOL THOSE WHO ARE OUT TO CHEAT YOUR HONOURED ORGANISATION. THAT’S SOME GOOD THINKING RIGHT THERE.

The Google Promotion Award Team has discovered a huge number of  double claims due to winners informing close friends relatives and third parties  about their winnings and also sharing their identification numbers. ISN’T IT JUST DISCOURAGING THE WAY EVERYBODY WANTS TO COMMIT FRAUD? I KNOW THAT ONE SHOULD NEVER TRUST ONE’S FAMILY, BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT THIRD PARTIES COULD BE TRUSTED. I THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THIS PROBLEM TO MY ATTENTION. As a result  of this, these friends try to claim the lottery on behalf of the real winners.  The google promotion award committee has reached a decision from the  headquarters at the United Kingdom that any double claim discovered by the Lottery  Board will result to the disqualification of the winners lottery. So you  are hereby strongly advised once more to keep your winnings strictly  confidential until you claim your prize. YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.

Congratulations from the Staffs & Members of the Google interactive  Lottery Board Commission.

Yours Sincerely, DR. MARIA BAKER. GOOGLE ZONAL CORDINATOR LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM.

 

It's time to answer some email

Even though I'm busy baking and cleaning and wrapping and lying through my teeth for the holidays, I always try to keep up with my correspondence. One does not want to appear rude. Now, last time I answered my emails I, quite frankly, got a bit flustered because of the demands of the letter writers. So, I was so thrilled to see a request from a lovely gentleman, Mr. Coleman of London, who seems to have grasped where my true talents lie. Because Mr. Coleman appears to be a man of great organizational skills, I have decided to answer his lovely offer point by point.

Hello Au pair/Nanny,
We are COLEMAN Family.we are interested in having you as our kids nanny. Thank you very much. My current contract is about to run out because I misplaced the children. Or so the police says.
ABOUT US
I'm an accountant with a construction company here in the United Kingdom while my Wife works with an Insurance company here in London also.We are down to earth, blunt and take things the way they come.We are very friendly people and easy to get along with.You will have no problem in adapting to our lifestyle here. We will be needing your services due to the time commitment that is demanding by our job. We want you to know that you'll never have any cause to regret taking up this job. Well, that's all well and good but, if you'll pardon me, I'll be the judge of whether your lifestyle is acceptable. I once worked for a family that let the children remove their gags for playtime. Most improper.
Our Kids
DAVIS, Male, 5 and Rita, Female, 7 years old , we just enrolled them at a school for this summer.They are welcoming and though they are young,They all posses a warm and friendly attitude.they like's playing a lot and i do not think you will have any problem with them so far they eats and plays well.they are very intelligent and loves to take after people,this is the more reason i will appreciate someone with good qualities to be there aupair/Nanny so that they doesn't take to bad influence. That's the kind of parental neglect that leads directly to juvenile hall, sir. Warm and friendly attitudes do not make up for growing up in a home where spelling and grammar are so blatantly disregarded. I shall immediately institute my patented One Misplaced Apostrophe Equals One Misplaced Dinner regimen.
SCHEDULE
Your job is not a hard one,I do not believe in supervising or monitoring people to do their job.I believe people should be giving a free role in whatever they do.So,I believe you should be able to perform well without being told.All entails preparing Our kids for schooling in the morning,taking them to the point where the school bus picks them up to school.You will have a free period then whereby you can do any vocation or practice whatever is at your disposal.Then you help monitor them after they are brought home by the school bus,just to make sure they are alright till my wife's arrival from work. That is good news. I prefer to perform my Satanic rituals between 9:37 am and 1.29 pm, so that works out well. However, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to take up employment with a family that does not employ a driver and thus forces the children to travel on common germ-infested busses. I have a delicate constitution and cannot be exposed to poor people's diseases.
SALARY
You will be entitled to a pay of 2700pounds every month while you will also be given an entitlement of 700pounds every week for petty expenses which you might need for yourself.This salary is subject to negotiations for an upward review upon your arrival. My current salary is 3400 dollars a day, so it will be a bit of a sacrifice, but if you are willing to throw in one dead monkey and a bag of human hair every two weeks, I may be pursuaded to accepts.

ROOM
A well furnished Master bed room will be made available for your personal use soon as you get here.there will be your personal laptop connected to the internet, TV and other necessary gadgets at your disposal.There will be enough privacy for you,i guess you'll really like it. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and start guessing as to what I may or may not like. Many before you have made that mistake. Let's just leave it at that.
WHEN TO START
You are free to start as soon as possible,I will appreciate you coming immediately but any date of your choice will also be welcome. I do have a toe-nail extraction scheduled for Tuesday morning, so how is Wednesday?
OFF DAYS
You have every weekend as your off day as i will not be going to work during weekends except special overtime. Your lack of interest in hard work concerns me. No wonder your children are so unruly.
ADDRESS
We currently live in here in London. That's very specific. Thank you. I'll easily find you.
STUDY
You will be free to study in any school of your choice soon as you get here.I will be helping you as regards tuition fees.There are so many colleges and Universities here that offer good and qualitative courses here. I have always wanted to take up freestyle ceramics. Perhaps now is the time.

Let me know if you are ready to take up t What? How rude. Here I'm going out of my way to accommodate your lower-class lifestyle and then you just stop your email in the middle of a sentence. Well, good day to you and good luck with your doomed offspring.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE:

I am Mr. Tim Watkins and would like to order(basement doors) and what would be the price for each unit so that i can Quote you with the  Quantity i want to order. Also what type of payment do you accept, Thank you and reply ASAP..
Dear Mr. Watkins,
As I tell all my clients, I accept pretty much any kind of payment you can think of but, at the moment, we're running low on fresh, healty livers. Unfortunately, we are currently out of basement doors. Also, I don't know why you can't just use ordinary doors. You know what? I'm just going to go right ahead and send you 1,000 ordinary doors. Then you can try them out and we'll take it from there.

My name is Terry Thomas. I would like to know if you have  storage  trunk Available and i'm looking for less expensive ones you have. Could you please let me know the prices that storage trunk I would be happy to make my payment by credit card if you accept them.
I await your reply, Sincerely,
Terry Thomas.
Dear Mr. Thomas,
You're barking up the wrong middleman. All our available cheap storage trunks have recently been converted into basement doors. I don't mind telling you that we have a very annoying customer named Mr. Watkins, who doesn't seem to understand that a door is a door. So, sadly, I'm going to have to tell you that we cannot fill your order. But, don't let that dissuade you from sending me your credit card number. Just so I have it on file for when I move to London to work for a real cheapskate.

Dear Sirs,
I am Breeze from Qinhuangdao Taihuang Chemicals Co.,Ltd,  which specialized in producing candle materials: paraffin wax, palm wax, soy wax, bee wax, slack wax, rubber wax, yellow wax, packing wax, stearic acid.
Payment: TT or LC at sight
delivery time: in 2 weeks
packing: as your request
Should the item be of your interest, please let me know . We shall  be glad to give you our lowest quotations.
Regards
Breeze
Dear Breeze,
I'm concerned that you don't have enough different kinds of wax.

Just answering some mail

It's a very quiet day, with very little happening in the way of celebrity scandal and/or cute kitten videos, so I thought I'd spend a bit of time answering some (actual) emails.

I am Mr.Paul and would like to order(Swan Tub) and what would be the price for each unit so that i can Quote you with the Quantity i want to order..Also  what type of payment do you accept,Thank you andreply ASAP..

Dear Mr. Paul,

Well, the price for Swan Tub depends on whether you're looking for a tub in which to keep your swans or, the higher-priced option, a tub made from one or more swans. Please advice, and I will send you a price list. You should know, however, that if you're looking for tubs made of swans, delivery time may be just the tiniest bit delayed, as our chief swan catcher just quit due to having his arms eaten. And rest assured that we accept every imaginable form of payment, but prefer cash, diamonds and cygnets.

Dear Honored Guardian,
It is pertinent to let you know of my sincere appeal through this regular mail, I need your kind assistance for a sincere redemption, I want you to make arrangement for visa for me to come to your country to further my education, as my guardian securing a resident permit for me in your country for safety. My father's kinsmen and the kindred's want me death because of material gains, they want to inherit our inheritance which I want you to be a custodian of for security reasons. At your earliest convenience, I will be waiting for your return mail to my mail.  I kindly thank you in anticipation for the assistance to be rendered.
Ever truly, Miss Jane

Dear Miss Jane,

First of all, how is your brother the Nigerian prince? I haven't heard from him for a while. And I thought we were friends, so I am a bit disappointed. However, I'm always looking for inheritances to guard (I have a special shed in the garden) and would be delighted to help you. Unfortunately, the government official who used to help me secure fake immigration papers is no longer with us due to having his arms eaten by a swan. Curious business. But this is just a minor setback. Please send me all of your inheritance and, as soon as I've hidden it in my shed, I will let you know how to proceed. In the meantime, good luck dodging the kinsmen.

Hi,
My Name is Paul John and i am interested in  your (Feed Scoop)can you get me the prices of each of them now and if you do not have that in stock,Can you advice me three different type of item do you have in stock now. also i am going to donate these to a client of mine in Haiti and what type of credit card you accept for Payment. Have a Nice Day.
Regards,
Paul John

Dear Paul John,

Are you by any chance related to a Mr. Paul? Never mind. Mr. John, this is not the first time you've written. And, as I've explained to you before, we do not sell Feed Scoop. If we sold Feed Scoop, the swans would learn to use them and gorge themselves. And then where would we be? Also, what business is it of mine what you want to do with the Feed Scoop? Anyway, moving on ... To make up for my lack of ability to help you with the Scoop acquisition, I would like to offer you another opportunity. I've recently met a lovely and vivacious young woman named Miss Jane, who seems to be in a bit of a pickle with some kindred or some such. You may want to get in touch with her. I have a feeling the two of you have much to discuss.

Dear Sir/Madam
Am Garry and i would like to order World Desk Globes  from you and would like to know the types and sizes you have in stock as well as the prices and the types of credit cards that you take for payment.Thank you and waiting to hear from you as soon as possible. Regards Garry

Dear Garry,

It's been a busy week around the warehouse. First the swans got out, then I had to deal with a fire in the garden shed and, finally, two friends of mine, Mr. John and Miss Jane, got the wrong idea about my commitment to helping them and absconded with all my Feed Scoops. I did manage, through good fortune and the help of my associate, Mr. Paul, to recover 11,000 World Desk Globes, which I'm willing to offer to you for the low price of you becoming an indentured swan handler/government forger. Let me know when you can start.

No, I'm not interested in that

I get a lot of email. Like, a lot. Some of it is nice (Hi mom! Hi sweetie! Hi nice readers! Hi long-lost high school friend), some of it is unpleasant ("U suck, you ignorrand bitch. Die in a fire"), some of it is exciting ("You're invited to the most fantastic thing ever") but, most of it is about things that PR people (who are just doing their jobs) think I may be interested in. Usually I delete it, but then I thought, "what if my handsome readers really do hunger for this vital information that I'm keeping from them?" So, here's a tiny selection:

• Hi Malene – The latest celebrity craze – Healthy Watches!
  Thought you may be interested NO in the following item as these gorgeous Philip Stein watches have been seen all over celebs from Oprah to Audrina!  When it comes to fashion, there’s no need to stress because Philip Stein Natural Frequency Technology watches offer a fool-proof accessory that REDUCES STRESS and helps the wearer get a better nights sleep! ... Staying on-trend when it comes to both fashion and health is always a huge goal for women.  Celebrities like Victoria Beckham, Jessica Alba, Mel B., Audrina Patridge and OPRAH all stay calm with Philip Stein Natural Frequency Technology Watches. Also proven to reduce jet-lag when traveling, the must-have accessory features dual time zones to keep jet-setters tuned in to time in more than one city.
• Hi Malene, Miss America 2011, Teresa Scanlan, has announced that she will serve as a spokesperson for IHOP’s National Pancake Day celebration benefitting Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals.  The details are below; please let me know if you have any questions. NONE.
  Thank you in advance for any coverage you can provide. THAT WOULD BE NONE.
• Dear Malene, Do your readers want to drop a few pounds this winter or achieve a golden glow? NO NEED. THEY'RE ALL GOOD-LOOKING They should take advice from Big Love star Ginnifer Goodwin. Ms. Goodwin will share her personal story today with thousands of dieters and offer a few of her favorite nutrition tips. As a coach for the 21-Day Vegan Kickstart, Ms. Goodwin will send a message to participants about the impact a plant-based diet has on her life, health, and happiness.Would you like me to send you Ms. Goodwin’s personal note and advice? Would you like to learn about other celebrity coaches involved in the program? I'M GOING TO GO WITH NO
• Dear Malene Arpe :
  With Valentine's Day looming right around the corner, Drs. Pat Love and Jon Carlson offer readers a cure for all of the lonely-hearts in Never Be Lonely Again: The Way Out of Emptiness, Isolation, and a Life Unfulfilled.  Please read the attached press release NO TIME and let me know if you would like to interview my clients or receive a copy of the book for consideration of a review.  I look forward to hearing from you. NOT UNLESS YOU LIKE HEARING "NO."
• Stargazing, Ms. Malene Arpe Blogger
  Celebrity Esthetician Scott-Vincent Borba Shares His Skin Care & Health Solutions.
  Can we interest you NO in taking a look at Scott-Vincent Borba's new book? We can also
  arrange for interviews and develop responses to emailed questions. "DEVELOP RESPONSES TO EMAILED QUESTION?" HERE'S AN EMAILED QUESTION: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT NO? Please verify your best street address and let us know how we can help you. I'M AT 437 NO AVENUE.
• Hi There, 
  Not sure if you heard the news, NO, I HAVEN'T but the very talented and sexy AnnaLynne McCord of CW's 90210 is the brand new face of Marc Ecko's new ad campaign. We have super sexy, amazing behind-the-scenes videos, soundbites and images from the ad campaign photo shoot (shot by celebrity photographer Tony Duran) ready for you to download and share. NICE OFFER, BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE A NO.
• To: Malene Arpe, Pop Culture  Stargazing
  The Diamond Principle by James M. McCanney, M.S.
  Man's current dilemma can be redirected ... The Diamond Principle analyses the problems ... and gives the solutions. Scientist and author Stephen Hawking recently stated that god is not needed in science or the universe.  McCanney states the opposite for the common man ... there is a God and universal design NO ... we must learn and follow the designer's plan. Author James M. McCanney, M.S., chose the title The Diamond Principle deliberately. In his new book, the sixth in a series, comes his analysis of modern society and, at its core, the science he has painstakingly developed over decades. Like a diamond, this analysis is multifaceted, powerful, and complex. It revolves around the following question: What do you get when you apply "The Diamond Principle" to the long-term prospects for the survival of the human species?  Is there a different path we should be taking? AS ALWAYS, MASTER, MY PATH IS THE PATH OF NO
• Hi Malene,
  Happy Tuesday; hope this message finds you well ... E!'s Kourtney & Kim Take New York premiere was the most-watched opener of the series to date; drawing 3 million viewers this Sunday night. America can’t keep their eyes off the drama, the fashions, the makeup, the men, and now the baby! Although baby Mason was no where in sight we couldn’t help but notice signs of him throughout the episode. We spotted Mustela Bebe Hydra Bebe Body Lotion and PhysiObebe in Kourtney’s bathroom. Mustela is the number one baby care brand in Europe, so it’s no surprise that these trendsetters use Mustela for baby Mason. When it comes to celebs loving Mustela, Kardashians aren’t the only celebs who are a fan. Check out the below link to see more celeb Mustela fans! ERM, NO.
• Dear Ms. Arpe,
  For many folks their New Year resolutions are fading fast. That dream diet is now out the window and the new gym membership is already forgotten. Getting into the post-holiday, winter blues routine makes keeping a resolution tough. Now one doctor says “no sweat,” it’s still not too late to ease your way back into becoming a better you. Some new techniques could make audiences feel younger too! Dr. Comstock, author of a new book Antiaging 101, uses his anti-aging expertise to make becoming healthier and fit a reality. Dr. Comstock suggests changes to make in diet, exercise, and stress management that have a synergistic effect to keep you strong all year long. Dr. Comstock says it’s not too late to make your audience’s 2011 their healthiest year ever. I'M GOING TO TAKE THE LIBERTY OF ANSWERING ON BEHALF OF MY AUDIENCE: NO Please contact me to schedule this timely interview. YOU GUESSED IT: NO

 

Another brilliant email

I get a lot of email. It's not all as exciting and lucrative as this one:

Attention : Sales Or Owner I'm both. We've had to let some people go lately.

  My name is Henry Wilson with the Wilson Warehousing and i am sending this email to your business in regards to the order for some Mosquito Nets You sure have come to the right place, Henry. We have so many mosquito nets we don't know what to do with them for my clients Project and i will be needing the Box,Round,Cotton, Cotton Box,Silk bed,Polyester bed and box,travel Mosquito Nets While I do have Polyester and Round, I'm terribly sorry to tell you that I'm fresh out of Silk bed and Cotton Box. Mostly because I have no idea what that means and also because I'M NOT RUNNING A MOSQUITO NET BUSINESS AND WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME? and so can you send me an email back with the sizes,types and pricing information I charge $15,000 per net because they're made of spun gold by magical elves whom I keep enslaved in root cellar. The elves only eat diamonds and elephant milk, so I'm sure you can appreciate how expensive it is to feed them as well as the availability March 6, 2053 and also let me know the forms of payment that you accept We take all the usual credit cards and also souls, firstborns, livers (in good condition), puppies and certified treasure maps so that we can proceed with the order

Best Regards And to you
Mr Henry Wilson
Wilson Warehousing

--
God Bless And a hearty Thor Condemn to you, good sir
Mr Henry Wilson
Wilson Warehousing

A fantastic business opportunity

Times are tough, so I was elated to get this email explaining to me how I can make some easy cash.

"Hi my name is ... and I'm a blog spotter better than a blood spitter, I guess. I basically scour popular blogs in an effort to find great writers. I loved your post on The Best Between Two Ferns ever, nice job! Yes, that was one of my great writing triumphs. I laboured hard over slapping a headline on a video post. Whew. If you only knew the existential angst I had to mine for that. I'd like to get straight to the point. Go ahead. I'm excited to hear what it is. Our client wants people like you to sponsor their products and will pay you to do so. Tell me more. They're launching an educational product on September 7th that teaches others how to make money on the internet by using Facebook and Social Media. Well, we may have a problem there. I'm not all that social, you see. We want to pay you for recommending that product what is it? to your loyal blog readers Hi to all five of you! How's it going? and we will pay you up to $200 for each person that you refer. To what? If you make just one sale a day of what? you're looking at making around $6000 per month. All you need to do is create a few blog posts that recommend this product. Let me guess: Diet energy drinks? Sheep shearing instruments? In-soles for leprecauns? Cars made of cats? You may also use one of our nice banners and place it on your blog. It's pretty simple, takes very little time (10 minutes or so every 12 minutes) and will be very rewarding. All sales that you refer are tracked through your own special link and you will get paid every week. In papayas and mittens? Payments are always on time and will be sent to you via Check. Capitalized check? Those are the best. This deal is totally legitimate and we will NEVER ask you for any fee, or to sign any contracts. That's a relief, because the last contract I signed has something about a 'soul in perpetuity' clause and that still worries me a bit."

I get email

And some of them are just extra-full of exciting offers. Like these:

"In today's world, sad to say, it is simply no longer good enough to just excel at what you do. What do you mean? I thought I was secure in my employment simply because of my excellent penmanship. Drat! Very often, in addition to professional abilities a university diploma will be a firm prerequisite for any positon you seek. Damn. Mom was right. I should have gone to school. Now my dreams of becoming head wombat keeper at the zoo are shattered. You can be very qualified I'm soooo qualified. To start crying right now, with years of practical experience and nonetheless be held back from even obtaining an interview for an appropriate position in your field due to the lack of a university diploma. Double-drat. Fortunately, you CAN get credit for your knowledge and experience by taking advantage of a Recognition of Prior Learning [RPL] I always thought that meant Rotten Potato Lemur. Guess I was wrong program offered by many universities today. RPL is a process that assesses the individual’s formal and non-formal level of knowledge, in order to determine the extent to which that individual has achieved the required learning and competency to complete a qualification. Can I get credit for my five years in the Swiss navy? And my stint as an imaginary astronaut? And that time when a neighbour's cat was missing and I helped find it? Call us right now and get the credit & recognition you deserve. I'm so calling! Call us right now for your customized diploma: Can mine say, "Doctor All-Mighty, holder of seven degrees from many really good schools and also runner-up in two hot-dog eating contests?" Inside U.SA.: 1-718-989-5740 Outside U.S.A.: +1-718-989-5740.  Just leave your NAME & TEL. PHONE # (with country-code) on the voicemail and one of our staff members will get back to you promptly!"

and this:

"Dear Sir and madam I actually prefer being addressed as Doctor All-Mighty, but we'll let it go this time.
Allow me to introduce ourselves: Hello to you and you and you. We are the Oil Painting Studio. We would like to offer our painting and giclee I don't know what that is, but it sounds delicious prints services to you. In our studio we have 30 highly skilled professional artists with over 12 years of experience collectively? That doesn't sound like very much creating paintings for our international clientele. We have worked creatively worldwide with a large number of commercial enterprises, professional artists and galleries in Europe and America. They all praise our professional high quality of production and artistic workmanship. Many of our clients use our works for their business and art displays... I'm mostly going to be using mine for titilation and debauchery. I hope that's okay with you. We safely and professionally pack and ship your paintings through FedEx or DHL. Please send us an email today describing what is your desired topic to be painted, and some indication of the approximate size. I would like five or six 10 X 10 centimetre paintings of elephants rescuing a marooned sailor in the style of Jackson Pollock and one agerage-sized painting of Jesus looking longingly at Elvis. In return we will send you a pricelist. The Shipping cost is based on your location and the size and dimensions of the painting or paintings required.
I hope that we will have a chance to cooperation and be good friends! Not so fast there, buster. I don't become friends until someone's painted at least nine extra-large paintings for my country house. So, just dial down the familiarity.
We are Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards
The Oil Painting Studio"

I get emails

Most of them are long and full of words like, "bleeping stupid bleep," "why do you have a job?" and "you're an idiot. An ugly idiot," but sometimes they are short and to the point. Like this one:

"Hi

   Am Brian (last name withheld), i want to order Feed Scoop, i need to know the price on the types you have in stock, also want to know the type of Credit Cards  you accept as payment.Thank you

 Regards
Brian"

See? To the point. Here is my immediate reply:

"Hi Brian,

Am Malene. I had to google "feed scoop" and I believe it's what's pictured there to the right. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but at this point in time, I'm completely sold out. May I, however, take the opportunity to tell you about some of my other products? I just got in a nice box of Dunklesnorts, which I think you might find use for. I also have some leftover Prorkquads. But, frankly, they're not in very good condition. I do want to assure you that I take every single kind of credit card you can imagine. I don't have a credit card swipe or anything like that, so please just send me the account number and any kind of passwords you can think of and I'll take care of the rest. I promise to throw in a free five-gauge Ornk Builder.

Regards,

Malene"

Exciting opportunities

Sometimes you sit around moping, convincing yourself that you're unimportant and that no one would ever want to have anything to do with you. That's why email is important. It restores your faith in yourself as well as in your desirability. Just have a look at these recent samples from my inbox.

Good Day
How are you today, I hope all is well with you . To tell you the truth, I've been kind of down lately. I spend untold hours staring out the window while drawing dark circles of doom on my arms. Also, I think I may have hammer toe. I am sorry to worry you with my Proposal for a relationship with you I'm not going to lie. That does worry me a bit seeing as I don't know you, but I know that you will grant my request confidence is a nice quality in goes. good faith and understanding, My name is miss ROSE. Oh. Well, right there, Rose, I think we may have a problem. I'm sure you're a very nice person, but I'm, you know, a girl. And you are, presumably, a girl too. And that's not really something I'm all that interested in exploring. Ten years ago? Who knows. But I'm afraid my sense of adventure has dwindled. I just went Through your profile at www.onlinedesei.com No, you didn't because I've never heard of that I have no options than letting you Know that I am interested in having a relationship with you, Alright. That's enough. Please stop I will also like to Know you the more, you can send an email to my email address yes, that's not going to happen so that I can send you more details about my self Including my picture, I believe we can move from here. Listen, sister. You're getting to be more irritating that Michael Lohan standing outside looking in at his daughter's birthday party. But bear in mind that Love has no colors barrier, no educational back ground barrier, no socio,economic Barrier, religious, language, nationality or distance barrier, How about a crazy barrier? I have it on very good authority that love has a crazy barrier the only important Thing there is love, I am waiting for your mail to my email address above. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're going to wait for a while, sweetheart (read that last sentence using a sarcastic voice).

Yours Sincerely NANCY
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Hi Counsel. Hi!

My name is Shih Dunson. I am contacting your firm and a fine, old firm it is. We specialize in money and stuff and contracts that are fake in regards to a divorce settlement with my ex husband (David G. Dunson) shifty-sounding name who resides in your jurisdiction. I am currently on assignment in South Korea. We had an out of court agreement (Collaborative Law Agreement) for him to pay $848,900.00 plus legal fees. He has only paid me $64,000. Bastard. Let me just go fetch my tire iron. I am hereby seeking your firm to assist in collecting the balance from him. Don't you worry. I'll have that money quicker than he can stop screaming. He has agreed already to pay me the balance I'll bet two dollars right now that he lied about that but it is my belief that a Law firm like yours is needed to help me collect payment from my ex-husband or litigate this matter he better pray it doesn't get to court. I'll destroy him with my lawyerly ways and words that sound law-ish. Like "punitive" and "your honour" and "death penalty" if he fails to pay as promised.

Sincerely, Shih Dunson

****

Hello

Would you like to be a mystery shopper with us and get paid $200 per week? Would I ever? Do I get to keep the stuff I mystery shop for? What is it? Clothes? Shoes? Tire irons? Kale? Kindly get back to me.

Thanks, Robinson Steven

Doing business with soldiers

This is turning out to be a slow-ish day. There's no news on Jessica Simpson's missing dog and no fresh apologies from Kanye West. So, here's one of my many exciting emails.

As you know, I'm suspicious by nature and not prone to falling for scams. Which is why I was grafified to receive notice of this great opportunity to make money and help an honest military man.

Col. Clarke Gable Oh my!
27th Infantry Brigade
United States Army
Fallujah, Iraq.

Dear Honourable, Why, thank you.
My name is Col. Clarke Gable of the 27th Infantry Brigade United States Army Fallujah Iraq. I'm contacting you on behalf of my team here in Iraq peacekeeping service; we needed your assistance to move an allocation {Funds} into your custody for safekeeping pending our final dismissal here any time this year...  Not that it's any of my business, but exactly where do these {Funds} come from? Did you win a lot of money playing poker in the camp? Did you set up a lemonade stand?  However, I wish to remind you that I’m a soldier and I have no time to come over the internet for a child play, I'm sure the children of the world are very relieved to hear that so please if you are not able to handle this transaction with utmost confidentiality please Do Not Reply. My middle name is "confidentiality." Well, actually it's "blabber-mouth," but I'll make an effort for you. If somehow you are interested in this proposal, kindly leave a message  with your most confidential telephone numbers Well, I do have several confidential numbers, but I think my most confidential is 1-800-GULLIBLE. Please call immediately. and I will get back to you with details.

Yours Respectfully, Col. Clarke Gable