Exciting opportunities

Sometimes you sit around moping, convincing yourself that you're unimportant and that no one would ever want to have anything to do with you. That's why email is important. It restores your faith in yourself as well as in your desirability. Just have a look at these recent samples from my inbox.

Good Day
How are you today, I hope all is well with you . To tell you the truth, I've been kind of down lately. I spend untold hours staring out the window while drawing dark circles of doom on my arms. Also, I think I may have hammer toe. I am sorry to worry you with my Proposal for a relationship with you I'm not going to lie. That does worry me a bit seeing as I don't know you, but I know that you will grant my request confidence is a nice quality in goes. good faith and understanding, My name is miss ROSE. Oh. Well, right there, Rose, I think we may have a problem. I'm sure you're a very nice person, but I'm, you know, a girl. And you are, presumably, a girl too. And that's not really something I'm all that interested in exploring. Ten years ago? Who knows. But I'm afraid my sense of adventure has dwindled. I just went Through your profile at www.onlinedesei.com No, you didn't because I've never heard of that I have no options than letting you Know that I am interested in having a relationship with you, Alright. That's enough. Please stop I will also like to Know you the more, you can send an email to my email address yes, that's not going to happen so that I can send you more details about my self Including my picture, I believe we can move from here. Listen, sister. You're getting to be more irritating that Michael Lohan standing outside looking in at his daughter's birthday party. But bear in mind that Love has no colors barrier, no educational back ground barrier, no socio,economic Barrier, religious, language, nationality or distance barrier, How about a crazy barrier? I have it on very good authority that love has a crazy barrier the only important Thing there is love, I am waiting for your mail to my email address above. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're going to wait for a while, sweetheart (read that last sentence using a sarcastic voice).

Yours Sincerely NANCY
***

Hi Counsel. Hi!

My name is Shih Dunson. I am contacting your firm and a fine, old firm it is. We specialize in money and stuff and contracts that are fake in regards to a divorce settlement with my ex husband (David G. Dunson) shifty-sounding name who resides in your jurisdiction. I am currently on assignment in South Korea. We had an out of court agreement (Collaborative Law Agreement) for him to pay $848,900.00 plus legal fees. He has only paid me $64,000. Bastard. Let me just go fetch my tire iron. I am hereby seeking your firm to assist in collecting the balance from him. Don't you worry. I'll have that money quicker than he can stop screaming. He has agreed already to pay me the balance I'll bet two dollars right now that he lied about that but it is my belief that a Law firm like yours is needed to help me collect payment from my ex-husband or litigate this matter he better pray it doesn't get to court. I'll destroy him with my lawyerly ways and words that sound law-ish. Like "punitive" and "your honour" and "death penalty" if he fails to pay as promised.

Sincerely, Shih Dunson

****

Hello

Would you like to be a mystery shopper with us and get paid $200 per week? Would I ever? Do I get to keep the stuff I mystery shop for? What is it? Clothes? Shoes? Tire irons? Kale? Kindly get back to me.

Thanks, Robinson Steven

Doing business with soldiers

This is turning out to be a slow-ish day. There's no news on Jessica Simpson's missing dog and no fresh apologies from Kanye West. So, here's one of my many exciting emails.

As you know, I'm suspicious by nature and not prone to falling for scams. Which is why I was grafified to receive notice of this great opportunity to make money and help an honest military man.

Col. Clarke Gable Oh my!
27th Infantry Brigade
United States Army
Fallujah, Iraq.

Dear Honourable, Why, thank you.
My name is Col. Clarke Gable of the 27th Infantry Brigade United States Army Fallujah Iraq. I'm contacting you on behalf of my team here in Iraq peacekeeping service; we needed your assistance to move an allocation {Funds} into your custody for safekeeping pending our final dismissal here any time this year...  Not that it's any of my business, but exactly where do these {Funds} come from? Did you win a lot of money playing poker in the camp? Did you set up a lemonade stand?  However, I wish to remind you that I’m a soldier and I have no time to come over the internet for a child play, I'm sure the children of the world are very relieved to hear that so please if you are not able to handle this transaction with utmost confidentiality please Do Not Reply. My middle name is "confidentiality." Well, actually it's "blabber-mouth," but I'll make an effort for you. If somehow you are interested in this proposal, kindly leave a message  with your most confidential telephone numbers Well, I do have several confidential numbers, but I think my most confidential is 1-800-GULLIBLE. Please call immediately. and I will get back to you with details.

Yours Respectfully, Col. Clarke Gable

Please try some of these fantastic products

I get a lot of emails from publicists who have no idea who I am and what I write about. Usually I just delete them. But then I thought A) these people work hard and deserve to see that hard work rewarded, and B) you guys may actually like some of the fine products and ideas promoted and far be it from me to keep you in the dark about "nap mats" and "CubeGuard." So, here are some examples of PR work at its finest:

CUBEGUARD (see photo): "Malene, Here's some information for an interesting feature. The release below details a unique new product that is helping to make workers and employees more productive in offices nationwide. We would be happy to forward photos, arrange an interview or help in any other way further. If there is a more appropriate contact to whom we can send this, please feel free to forward this on, Oh, no, don't you dare send this information to anyone else. I'm super-appropriate or I'd be happy to get their contact information from you to connect with them myself. "CubeGuard" Cubicle Message Barrier Stops Workplace Interruptions & Increases Productivity Creative banners & custom messages provide new ways to reclaim your personal office space.  Based on U.S. Census Bureau data, there are an estimated 50 million+ cubicle workers in U.S. businesses today. These workers all share a common problem - interruptions from other co-workers or visitors to their cubicles, wasting time and reducing productivity. Until now, there has been no effective way to prevent interruptions while working on important  tasks. I find that yelling really loudly and being smelly helps. But now a unique new product called the CubeGuard Cubicle Message Barrier helps solve this challenge by providing a retractable message banner that is easily mounted across a cubicle or office entryway. This fun yet functional new communication tool lets workers prevent productivity interruptions before they start by sharing a colorfully direct message like "DO NOT DISTURB" or "GO AWAY" to ward off unwanted interruptions from co-workers."

THE Q-TIPS VANITY PACK "Hi Malene, Move over 90210 … everyone’s favorite celebrity mom, Tori Spelling, is moving her bathroom vanity from the Hollywood Hills to Herald Square!  Tori is putting her beauty routine on display, literally, by stepping into the window at Macy’s Herald Square and teaming up with Celebrity Makeup Artist Mally Roncal to kick off a nationwide program to rescue the beauty routines & bathroom vanities of women across the country thanks one of her favorite beauty essentials.  She’ll be debuting the new Q-tips Vanity Pack - a stylish dispenser of the beauty tool that is finally pretty enough to sit on countertops. Thank God! Finally. My life would be perfect but for the unattractiveness of the Q-Tips package. Summer may be the season of smeared mascara, but Tori and Mally have “summer beauty rescue” tips to keep women looking gorgeous. Tori will be getting her “summer beauty rescue” from Mally at Macy’s Herald Square on Wednesday, July 29^th.  We invite you to come have the same A-list beauty rescue experience, as well as the opportunity to interview Tori and/or Mally (times/locale info. below).  Please be in touch directly to schedule." But you didn't call! I sat by the phone, like Jessica Simpson waiting for Tony Romo to come to his senses, and you didn't call. Also, I'm totally going to ask people to call me "Mally" from now on. No one can pronounce my name anyway and I think Mally sounds perky and happy. That'll fool everyone.

NAP MATS: "Shopcelebritykids.com Introduces CAVICHI Nap Mats! The "girly girl" will fall madly in love with her new Parisian NapminkTM nap mat, inspired by French scenes of the Eiffel Tower and an adorable French Poodle. This plush, pink-swirl minky blanket and fuchsia with chocolate brown polka dot minky nap mat will envelope your little princess for dreams of Parisian adventures. Yes, it's never too early to start the whole Princess indoctrination. It makes for such wonderful grown-ups when one's been told one's a princess one's entire life. Cavichi’s custom design and applique All-in-One designs include attached blanket, pillow and quilted nap mat which easily rolls and folds into a convenient carrying bag with detachable shoulder straps. It’s perfect for overnight parties with friends, restful sleep during travels and makes for the ideal gift for any girl!  And it is machine wash and dryer friendly!" Thank you for sending me this information. It fits very nicely with all the child-centric content of my blog. Please send more.

Gwyneth is too boring today

This is were I would usually regale you with exciting snippets from Gwyneth's Goop newsletter, but I'm afraid today's edition is just too awful. It deals with recipes for "no-dairy, no-meat, no-white flour" dishes in which her designated recipe provider she uses something called dulse, which is "an edible red algae that’s incredibly good for you." Thanks, but I think I'll pass.

Instead, let me share with you an intriguing business opportunity that was recently presented to me:

Dear Sir/Madam, Sorry. I answer to neither. Next time someone calls me Madam or Ma'am, I'm going to smack them. 

Request for Legal assistance Well, that's why I'm here. 
 
This is an official request for legal representation on behalf of Quanzhou Haitian Textile Co.Ltd. We are a textile company with principal business in garment manufacturing and trading. I totally have a pair of your slacks. They're wonderful. Great craftmanship. We are presently incapacitated due to international legal boundaries to exert pressure on our delinquent customers and we request for your services accordingly. So, basically, the pesky law does not allow for you to break the legs of people who owe you money. Frakking bureacracy. Nanny state. Standing between a man and his money. We got your contact information from the Online Lawyers Directory as a result of our search for a reliable firm or individual to provide legal services as requested. I think you may want to send a letter of complaint to the Online Lawyers Directory. I have long since left the legal profession. 
 
After a careful review of your profile as well as your qualification and experience, we are of the opinion that you are capable and qualified to provide the legal services as requested. Was it the photo of me with my favourite brass knuckles that gave it away? On behalf of Quanzhou Haitian Textile Co.Ltd, Please accept my sincerest appreciation in advance for your willingness to render your services as we look forward to your prompt response to our request. You just tell me were and when and I'll beat the snot out of anyone who hasn't paid. And anyone who persists in calling me ma'am.  
Thank you. Mr. Chang Chin Hon.

Another disappointed customer

From time to time I like to share with you some of the exciting emails I receive. Like this one, for example:

Hello  There,

                Am George Brown,i  will like to order 50  pieces  of  BEAMS 102 Inch X 5 Inch and  40  pieces  of  Upright 42" X 144" . Hi George! I'm afraid this is not your lucky day. Because I am fresh out of both BEAMS and Upright. Unless it's code for drugs or weapons or something. Well, if it is, I'm, of course, fresh out of that too. Might I interest you in the left-overs from my recent garage sale? I have a lampshade, a pair of rubber boots and a horrifyingly ugly coat that I'm willing to part with. I  will like you to get back to me with the total  price for this so  we can  proceed. Because it's you, George, I will part with my treasures for the low, low price of $25,000. I will also  like to know  how  soon this  order can be available  for pickup after i pay you. George, as soon as you have placed the money (wrapped in plain, brown paper) outside my house, I will have my assistant deliver the goods. Have a  nice  day and i await  your  response.

 

George.

Short and to the point

As you well know, I'm always on the look-out for a new business opportunity, so I was delighted to find the following missive in my inbox:

Dear S/M How did you know? And how is it any of your business what I do in the privacy of my own home?
Mr.John Peckin is my name,i want to purchase an order with you. I'm fresh out of orders but I guess for you I could run out and pick some up. BTW, "Mr.  John Peckin is my Name," sounds like a great, old-school western and/or Johnny Cash song. I will like to know if you do sell (Drag bit). Erm, I don't know what that is, but I imagine it's some sort of drill thingy. And, no, I don't sell those. I keep them all to myself. But could I interest you in a box of unmatched socks? If yes you have it in stock, e-mail me with the price list of this product. As a rule, I charge $12,000 just to email the price list for any product. So, you go ahead and send the money and I'll see what I can do. Actually i got access to your contact through a search engine... That's why i decided to contact if you can be of any assistance.... Thanks for that explanation, because I was kinda wondering why you'd chosen to contact me. Please don't ever write to me again.
Much regards. John Peckin

A great educational opportunity

I'm always looking to better myself and I think these people can help me:

Offers authentic-looking fake University_Dip1oma/Degrees....cheap price offer! Limited time! cvsrvh hi6 And a hearty cvsrvh hi6 to you.

To buy a degree is quite easy these days. Nevertheless most students just sit around in their usually boring local University classes, wasting money. Why would you do that? Erm, I don't know. I feel so stupid now. These days buying a degree is a matter of personal motivation. But why should you buy a degree? To get a promotion? To have something to hang on my wall? Because it makes me feel special? Because I never got around to going to school? The main reason is the fact that buying a degree on1ine is going to save you time, a lot of time. Usually you have to verify your life experience and you instantly qualify. Even though that is not the main cause why people are buying life experience degree. I'm sorry, you lost me there. The actual reason why people buy a life experience degree is because they can not go to a institution in their surrounding area that offers the diploma program they are heading for: For example, if you live near a College which only offers renowned marketing degree, then this doesn't help you a bit if you're looking for a marketing degree. Don't I know it. I wanted to study something that would make me rich and happy, and now look at me! To attend classes you might have to travel long distances. I hate travelling. Then it might be that the degree that you want is only offered by a institution which costs a fortune. I would never pay more than $29.99 for an education. It's all a scam anyway. So you have to leave your place, look for accommodation in the University's place and do all the other stuff involved costing you tons of cheeze. You hit the nail on the head there. The University's place is the worst. And don't get me talking about the cheeze.

If you buy a degree by verifying your life experience or work experience, you can find the right degree for you without ever having to leave your workplace and instead get all the documents like the diploma certificate with the University's legal verification and official seal certifying the degree chosen, the transcript, a cover letter, copies of the College's or University's official certificate of accreditation, the institutions postal prospectus approval and a few important things more. But can you teach me to write such an awesomely long sentence?

Having a University degree is very important these days, and as always in life you should only stick with something you want. I want Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Beware choosing to be something just because it was the only good degree your local institution offered. After all, you are only going to be good at your job if you like to do it. That's not entirely true. I once worked at an icecream factory and I hated it. Do you have any idea how cold it was? But, you know what? I was pretty good at it. Thus, you have to get a degree that means something to you. This used to be a task that could take you years. Buying a degree is nothing harmful. I knew that. It's a win-win situation for the Colleges involved as well as for you, getting the degree you dreamed of. Sorry, you lost me again. Give us a call if you are interested to buy a degree from an University! I'm calling right now.

Fantastic career opportunity

Once again I feel compelled to share with you a wonderful email that just came my way.

JOB for Canadians!! $2000/Week and more! That's great money. I'm in! What's the "more?" Car? House? Stock options?

Job Location - CANADA Perfect. I'm here already.

Employment Type - Employee/Part-Time I'm flexible. I can be an employee or I can be part-time or I can be a part-time employee. Just show me the way.

Hello. Our company would like to offer employment chance for you. Thank you. And hello to you. This chance can make your career fun and rewarding. Finally. I'm sick and tired of this boring and unrewarding job I have. We have various positions for Canadians. If you have all requirements you NEED to send your resume or profile or CV for qualification. I have many requirements, but I'm not sure I have all of them. I mean, let's be honest, who does? You will get our decision in 1-2 days. That's amazing. I usually wait at least five days for a decision. Hurry up, this job opportunity is limited. Alright, calm down already. I'm hurrying as fast as I can.

Requirements and skills: Higher Education/College. Ermm ... Sales/Management desired but optional. Phew. Strong communicative skills. Well, there's. And. But also and so okay. Must have MS Office installed. In my brain? Must have Canadian residency for Canadian work permit. All set. Must be 18 years or older. Don't be rude now. A lady never reveals her age.

Please send your cv/resume Once I worked in an ice cream factory and once I worked in an old folks home and once I picked apples and once I was a clumsy waitress and once I cleaned a library. I'm still not sure what this job is that I'm applying for, but I'm telling you right now: A) I will not wear any kind of hat and B) I don't speak Klingon. Just so we're clear.

Fantastic news

As I was sitting at home this weekend debating whether the cats, the sweetie or food will be the first to go when the Depression really hits, I received this wonderful email titled "Grant Approved."

I don't remember applying for any grants, because I don't do anything that is vaguely grant-worthy. Nevertheless, this is what I was told:

"The sum of 800,000.00 $ have been accredited and approved in your favor. contact David Mark with Your name.age,location/country,phone number to he. eMAIL :mrdavidmarkatm@vista.aero. Announcer: Mr Young Terry."

Short, intriguing and to the point. Yet, it also raises questions. What is an announcer? Why is he young? Is David Mark really an ATM as suggested by his email address? Should I lie about my age? Do they want my location or my country or both and isn't it one and the same? Does the money come with strings attached or can I spend it on anything I want? How come they've chosen me and yet they do not know my name. Should I be suspicious?

A fantastic opportunity to own great art

I received an intriguing email yesterday from an interesting company in China:

Dear Sir/Madam I LIKE THE PERSONAL TOUCH.

How are you? A LITTLE CONSTIPATED, BUT OTHERWISE FINE. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

This is May Shi from Xiamen (China) Sinoorigin Art Co.,Ltd. I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU We can supply different style original oil paintings, commercial oil paintings and famous artist reproduction paintings, ect. IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A FEW FAMOUS ARTIST REPRODUCTION PAINTINGS. YOU REALLY CAN'T EVER HAVE TOO MANY. If your business include any paintings projects for home and hotel decoration, please kindly send me an inquiry, I’ll show you more files about our products. WELL, MAY SHI, AT MY HOTEL WE TEND TO GO FOR THE MINIMALIST APPROACH TO DECORATION. IT REQUIRES LESS DUSTING. We have great advantages in impressional landscape, impressinal figure, Pino, Van Gogh, Monet... PLEASE SEND ME MORE INFORMATION ABOUT IMPRESSINAL FIGURE. I PRESENTLY ONLY HAVE NINE IMPRESSINAL FIGURE AND I'D LIKE TO BUY MORE. Hope to hear from you soon and thanks for your time.  Wish you’ll win a great success in 2009. ME TOO. HOW DO I SIGN UP TO POSSIBLY WIN A SUCCESS? DO YOU NEED MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER FOR ME TO BE ENROLLED IN YOUR SUCCESS LOTTERY. PLEASE SEND ME MORE INFORMATION.