If you missed the Sunday paper ...

... Here's my Stargazing centrespread:

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So, like, what's up with Tiger Woods this morning?

I have mixed feelings about the weekend. I mean, who knows what amazing new details of cheating and and lying and general douchery is going to come to light while I'm not monitoring the situation? Maybe I should come to work tomorrow and Sunday. That last sentence was a joke. Unless Tiger sets his own hair on fire and runs naked down the street carrying a placard listing all his floozies, I'm just going to let it go. But for now there's this curious report:  "Sources tell TMZ Rachel Uchitel did not make any financial deal with Tiger Woods - and there are two reasons she torpedoed her scheduled news conference yesterday - fear and secrets. Sources say in the wee hours of the morning yesterday, after many phone calls back and forth between Rachel, Tiger and their reps, Rachel decided not to come out fighting at a news conference. She walked away without taking a cent from Tiger Woods. One very connected source said, "This was absolutely not about money." Sources say Rachel became "scared for her safety" because she knows so much about Tiger, his alleged affairs and a variety of other Woods matters. We're told Tiger confided in Rachel ... she knows specifics about "other women," as well as information about Tiger's marriage. The sources were quick to point out, Rachel does not fear Tiger, as much as she fears all the other people caught in what is becoming a very large net. Rachel, we're told, just wants to disappear for a while."

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE: We've heard a lot of explosive news this past week, but I think this story is going to blow everything else out of the water: "Tiger Woods is a 33 year-old billionaire and widely considered the greatest golfer in history, but there's something that he hates about himself: his calves! Jaimee Grubbs -- who says she had 20 sexual encounters with Woods over a 31-month period -- revealed her ex-boyfriend's body hangups to Us Weekly. In April 2007, Grubbs had just met Woods in Las Vegas, and was hanging out alone in the entertainment room of his MGM Grand mansion. The golfer arrived and "told me he had done a workout and he was going to do another workout for legs," Grubbs tells Us. Observing the athlete, Grubbs sassed back, "I said, 'For someone who works out a lot, you sure have small calves!'' Woods didn't take the ribbing well. "I remember him giving me the biggest death look. He told me he was very insecure about the size of his calves. He said, 'I can't grow calves.' And I was like, 'Okay, sorry!'" Us. See what I mean? Talk about embarrassing and damaging. His wife is going to demand another $12 gazillion to stay around a freak with small calves.

Ron Wood arrested for assault

Tiger Woods totally paid Ron Wood (not exactly as illustrated) off to take some of the attention. Wood? Woods? It's confusing, you know. Before long the story will be that Woods' mistresses (alleged) are all in fact Wood's girlfriends. No, it's not funny at all. Violence is a serious matter. And I'm really curious as to how someone who is 119 years old can beat up a 20-year-old?

The BBC has this: "Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has been arrested on suspicion of assault, Surrey police have confirmed. Wood's spokesman told BBC News that he was arrested after an "incident", but declined to comment further.  A police spokesman said: "We can confirm that a 62-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of assault in connection with a domestic incident."  The musician has been released on bail until a later date in January, pending "further enquiries".  Last month the rock star was divorced by his wife Jo on the grounds of his admitted adultery, after 24 years of marriage. The couple split in 2008 after the musician began a relationship with another woman. In the divorce documents, which have been made public, the person with whom the star committed adultery was not named. However, Wood's relationship with Ekaterina Ivanova, 20, was widely covered in the tabloid press. In July 2008, the guitarist was admitted to a rehabilitation centre for help with his long-established alcohol addiction."

Shopping with Gwyneth

It's been a couple of months since I've checked in with sweet Gwynnie's GOOP. She'd gotten kinda stale and boring. Like an organic spelt biscuit left out overnight. But I thought, since it's gift buying season and everything, that we should see what Gwyneth recommends. Here are a few things:

These wonderful cookies, for example, are a mere $30 for six. If that's not a bargain, Tiger Woods is a faithful family man:

Now, while the neighbour's kids play their new video games and dress up their Barbies, your children - and Gwynnie's - deserve so much better. Like these $69 rag dolls, made by a "mompreneur" named D'Andrea. I don't know if that's a first or last name, but I do know that the word "mompreneur" just made me come over a bit queasy. Anyway, your kids will luvvvv these dolls. I guarantee it. And when they never come to visit you in the old folks home, giving them these dolls for Christmas is not the reason.

Finally, how about a little something for yourself?

You toil and toil all year round and I think you deserve a little something for all your dedication. And Gwyneth happens to know that what we all need is to emboss more. I know that I often find myself writing thank you notes to the Earl of Shropshiresterland and feel embarrassed that my notes aren't embossed. Now I can finally do something about it: "From Russell and Hazel, for your hyper-organized friends, a notepad for the seconds, minutes and hours of the day - $30, and a personalized embosser - $66, or stamp - $46... need I say more?" No, you had me at personalized embosser.

Tiger's statement is annoying

From tigerwoods.com:

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Good times. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. It means that if you want to be a gazzionaire instead of having a normal, boring job like the rest of us, it comes with a cost. One of those costs is that if you want to have a slew of hot babes on the side, you're going to have to keep them well hidden or it will come back to bite you in the ass. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect. I'd say.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. Sure. If you work at the fish-cleaning factory or at Chapters. Not when your livelyhood depends on an obviously utterly false picture of yourself. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. That also means one should perhaps only take off one's pants in one's own bedroom. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology."

 

PS! THERE'S MORE!

Life & Style has found yet another alleged over-eager Tiger fan: "Life & Style can exclusively reveal the identity of a woman who has quietly been seeing golf star Tiger Woods for months -- as recently as late October. Kalika Moquin, a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, hooked up with Tiger more than once at his Las Vegas hotel during the weekend of Oct. 23, an insider tells Life & Style. Kalika is the third woman to be publicly linked to Tiger. Club promoter Rachel Uchitel and Los Angeles cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs have also been named in shocking reports as women with whom Tiger has cheated on his wife of five years."

 

Enough now, please. I have other things to do besides counting golfer girlfriends. This is getting a bit tiresome.

New Moon boosts sales of pale make-up

(... brought to you by the best werewolf lighter ever)

From Daily Mail: "It has long been seen as the ideal - a sun-blushed complexion signifies beauty and good health, leaving the pale-skinned English rose struggling to achieve the bronzed look. But now the classic Saint-Tropez tan is being shunned in favour of a more sinister trend. A deathly pale complexion - achieved with the help of powders or foundation - is the new ideal, as women take inspiration from the vampire film New Moon. The second installment of the Twilight blockbuster saga, featuring British actor Robert Pattinson, 23, and 19-year-old American Kristen Stewart, has taken the country by storm. And now the 'Twilight effect' has hit women's make-up bags. Sales of pale make-up rose 200 per cent over the past month, according to online beauty shop FeelUnique.com. Their best-selling product was a fine, pale pink illuminating powder by Bare Escentuals called Mineral Veil. Sales of L'Oreal's True Match powder in rose ivory have also risen by 133 per cent in the run-up to the film's UK release on November 20, FeelUnique.com said."

Good Morning America doesn't like men who kiss other men but has no problem with men who beat their girlfriends

From The New York Post:

"ABC has booked Rihanna-beater Chris Brown for an interview and a performance on "Good Morning America" - right after the network canceled guy-kisser Adam Lambert. Brown will do a taped tell-all with Robin Roberts, followed by a performance of songs from his new album. But TV insiders say the appearance, slated to air the week after next, has outraged feminists and gay activists who wonder why a convicted girlfriend abuser is more palatable to the network than an openly gay man who broke no laws with his raunchy performance on the "American Music Awards." An ABC source said, "The network is giving a mixed message - that it doesn't trust someone who shocked with an unpredictable show and a gay kiss, but then it is happy to go ahead with Chris Brown, who was convicted of felony assault." ABC News has insisted that Lambert's sexual orientation did not play a role in its decision to pull the plug on his "GMA" appearance this week. ABC insiders said they ruled the "American Idol" star's sexed-up shenanigans on Sunday's awards show - which included him groping a female dancer, kissing a male musician and shoving a male dancer's face into his crotch - were inappropriate for morning TV. One said, "He was not canceled over a gay kiss. He showed himself to be unpredictable on live TV." Brown, who taped his interview with Roberts last weekend, was sentenced in August to six months' labor and five years' probation after he pleaded guilty to assaulting Rihanna in February. "GMA" hopes his appearance could provide a ratings boost, just like Rihanna's "GMA" interview earlier this month where she told Diane Sawyer she saw "no soul in his eyes" as he beat her. The top ABC insider added: "Chris Brown's interview was booked way before Adam Lambert took to the stage. It is to give him a chance to respond to Rihanna's interview. The possibility of him performing a song will be worked out next week."

Guess which EW Twilight cover I'm going to buy

Just kiddin' around. I'm, of course, going to buy all three.

No, but seriously, EW. That's enough now. There's less than half a year before you have to get going on Eclipse. Take a break.   

Old perv bites girl at New Moon screening

From WZZM in Michigan:

"A teenager watching the vampire movie "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" at a Norton Shores theater was bitten on the neck by another movie-goer from the row behind her.  Erin Westrate says the man was sitting in front of her at the 5-oclock showing of New Moon on Friday. She says he was acting creepy from the movies' opening scene. "Every so often if I said something or my friend said something he would lean back and make a sexual comment that was very unnecessary and not needed," says Erin. Once the movie was over she tried to leave the theater but the line to leave was slow. Erin then says he grabbed her by the back of the hair and pulled her down and bit her on the neck. The bite did not break the girl's skin. Lt. Tim LaVigne, Norton Shores Police Department said that incident happened right in the theater, in the walk way walking out. LaVigne said that the theater assisted the police department with their surveillance systems and were able to get an image of the suspect as he was leaving the theater. Police are now hoping the public can help provide them with his name. Police say the man could be facing an assault charge.  The suspect is described as a white male with short, dark spiky hair and is believed to be approximately 45 years old and 5 feet tall. He was wearing a brown corduroy jacket and jeans at the time and was described as being unshaven." WAIT! 911! Mid-forties? Five feet tall? Creepy? Hello? May I speak to a detective? I know who did this: It's Tommy Cruise! Is there a reward? What do I get for solving the mystery?

UPDATE: Once again Tom Cruise pays off the police the facts get in the way of a good story: From TMZ: "Cops tell TMZ the 17-year-old girl who claimed a rabid "Twilight" fan bit her on the neck while she was leaving a screening of the movie was lying through her teeth ... and now the false claim could end up biting her in the ass. Erin Westrate initially told cops a male in his 40s bit her on the neck at a movie theater in Norton Shores, Michigan after she saw "New Moon" on Friday night. Cops say they grilled Westrate after a witness told cops they watched her leave the theater ... and didn't see any biting. We're told Westrate then came clean -- telling cops the alleged culprit was simply kissing her on the neck at the time and she was a "willing participant."

Adam Lambert kicked off Good Morning America concert series

That's a smart move. Because I'm sure he was planning on doing the old "crotch head thing" at 8 in the morning. Idiots.

From Broadwayworld: "According to a Good Morning America audience coordinator, Adam Lambert's highly anticipated free concert in New York City tomorrow, November 25, has been cancelled due to thousands of complaints from viewers over his recent sexually explicit American Music Awards performance on Sunday. The concert was to be part of Good Morning America's "Fall Concert Series." A cancellation e-mail distributed to fans this morning reads: Attn: Adam Lambert Fans (About the November 25,2009 concert): The Adam Lambert Concert on Good Morning America at the Hudson Theatre has been officially cancelled. It is not necessary to come to the theatre because it will be closed. Thank you for your interest in the show and Adam Lambert. We look forward to your attendance at future events. The concert was to have taken place at the Hudson Theatre on 44th Street, for upwards of 700 fans, to be aired on Good Morning America tomorrow morning. During the controversial American Music Awards performance, Lambert kissed his male keyboard player on one occasion, and rubbed another male dancer's face in his crotch on another, drawing thousands of complaints to ABC, which broadcast the awards event. The Good Morning America concert was scheduled as a promotional event for his new album For Your Entertainment, which dropped yesterday."

UPDATE: An ABC News spokeswoman says: “Given his controversial American Music Awards performance, we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning.” Yes, it's one thing watching a man kiss another man after 10 pm. It's a whole other kettle of homophobic fish to be subjected to that kind of filth while eating your Wheaties. And also: There were probably ways of making sure the performance was fit for morning television sensibilities. Like, maybe, talking to him. But that's not what it's about, is it? It's about punishing him for daring not to be polite about who he is.

UPDATE: Adam tells Ryan Seacrest: "Obviously I respect their decision, they gotta do what they gotta do. It's too bad, I think there were a lot of fans who were excited to come see me. They probably had a lot of pressure coming at them from certain people who weren't happy about it. I respect their decision - I don't necessarily agree with it, but they need to do what they need to do."

UPDATE: "Adam Lambert's racy American Music Awards performance may have been too much for "Good Morning America," so he is bringing his act to "The Early Show."  He will discuss the controversy surrounding his performance at the American Music Awards. He'll also perform live."

You can see the video here.