Brangelina's imaginary wedding on hold because son asked about Jennifer. Allegedly

This is the best story ever. At least until we see the covers of this week's other tabloids. According to the tiny, pocket-sized spies that OK! has living inside all the Pitt-Jolie mansions, we now know that all the plans for the 100 per cent real wedding have been scrapped. And it's because Maddox asked who Jennifer is. Obviously, Angie and Brad's plans to keep their children completely insulated from the outside world until they reach the age of 25 did not work. On the upside, now Brad can cut off his greasy hair, seeing as he won't be needing to put any flowers in it.

"After more than six years and six children together, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had finally decided to get married — but then disaster struck, threatening to put the wedding permanently on hold. It began innocently, when Maddox came across an article about Jennifer Aniston. Curious, the couple's eldest son, 10, asked his dad who she was — and Brad told him. "Brad didn't realize that Angie was home, and so he basically just told Maddox the truth: that Jennifer was a woman he loved very much and was once married to," says the source. "But that's when Angelina walked in." TABLOIDS AND SOAP OPERAS ARE REALLY BIG ON SOMEONE WALKING IN ON SOMEONE ELSE'S CONVERSATION. IT ALWAYS LEADS TO DISASTER. NO ONE EVER WALKS IN ON SOMEONE COMPOSING A POEM ABOUT THEM OR ORDERING THEM ROSES OR PUTTING A BOW ON A PUPPY. The actress, 36, was livid with Brad, 48, for a number of reasons. "Brad thought he had taken all necessary precautions and never suspected the kids would learn about his past by coming across a story about Jennifer," says the insider."

BONUS: I suppose it's possible you still may be interested in THE LEG:

 

Aretha Franklin cancels her wedding

Probably inspired by the sad break-up of Seal and Heidi, Aretha Franklin decided that she wasn't going to go ahead with her wedding. Can't anyone stay together? Put some effort into it ... Look at that photo. Aretha and whatshisname and the dead animal Aretha was wearing all looked happy-ish just a week ago.

People has this: "The Queen of Soul will retain her solo throne for now. Aretha Franklin – who announced Jan. 3 that she and her "forever friend" William 'Willie' Wilkerson would wed this summer – released a statement Monday with a change of plans. "Regretfully, To Our Friends and Supporters: Will and I have decided we were moving a little too fast, and there were a number of things that had not been thought through thoroughly," said Franklin, 69. "There will be no wedding at this time." "We will not comment on it any further because of the very personal and sensitive nature of it. We appreciate all of the many well wishes from friends." The statement was signed "Aretha and Will."

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Heather Locklear in fist fight. Allegedly

Family fights like this - in my experience - usually tend to take place Christmas eve or Christmas day. But, ever the trend setters, Heather Locklear and her ex Jack Warner, decided to wait a few weeks. Radaronline has this delightful story:

"It has been anything but a happy new year for troubled actress Heather Locklear, and the new issue of Star magazine has exclusive details on the former Melrose Place star's recent meltdown. Just days before being rushed to the hospital on January 12, the 50-year-old beauty had a blowout altercation with ex-fiancé, Jack Wagner, after he drove to her Sherman Oaks, California home to return some belongings. "A huge argument erupted as they insulted each other's families," THEY GO RIGHT FOR THE CLASSICS. I LIKE IT a source exclusively told Star. "As Heather went to her car, Jack lunged at her, trying to grab or push her. Her reaction was to swing. GOOD INSTINCTS. I LIKE IT "She caught Jack with a right hook across his face, knocking him to the ground." Wagner, 52, then put his hands around her and Heather slammed into the car, while he ran into the house, revealed the insider. THE INSIDER, WHO, I GUESS, STOOD AND WATCHED WHILE PEOPLE COULD HAVE BEEN HARMED. I LIKE IT Locklear quickly fled, but not before grabbing Jack's dog and putting it in the car. According to Star's source, the drama didn't end there. The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner's face was caused in self defense. "Heather didn't want to press charges, so she left." The former co-stars called off their engagement in November after being together since 2007, and it's been downhill for Heather ever since. To manage her anxiety, “She used her doctor-prescribed pills…[and] would have an occasional drink to calm her nerves," but as RadarOnline.com previously reported, the mixture of drugs and alcohol concerned her family and caused worried sister Colleen to call 911."

A cursory look at this video tells me that Heather's right hook is indeed pretty good.

Robert Kardashian's widow and ex-wife gang up on Khloe

I bet these two really hated each other when Robert Kardashian was alive, but now they've figured they can get a couple of bucks for this (probably true) story. Radar has this:

"Khloe is not a Kardashian! Robert Kardashian's ex-wife and widow have come forward in a Star magazine exclusive in which they both claim that the late Kardashian expressed his doubts about the paternity of Khloe. "Khloe is not his kid - he told me that after we got married," Jan Ashley, 63, the woman who married Robert after Kris Jenner, revealed to Star. "He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, 'Well, you know that Khloe's not really a Kardashian, don't you?' BUT DID HE SAYS WHAT SHE IS? A SMITH? A VON SCHNERKELHOLKEN? A NAMELESS ANDROID?  And I said…'OK,' and that was it." EXCITING CONVERSATION BY THE SOUND OF IT. Ellen Kardashian, 63, married Robert in 2003 just two months before his death, after dating for nearly six years - and she has also come forward after eight years of silence to "tell the truth" about the Kardashian family. BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS HER BEST FRIEND AND THAT'S THE ONLY REASON. "Khloe brought it up all the time," Ellen told Star. "She looked nothing like the rest. She was tall, had a different shape, light hair, curly hair. Didn't look anything like the other three children." And while Kris recently admitted in her new book that she cheated on Robert during their marriage, both Jan and Ellen said they've always known she cheated, and so did Robert. "Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his," Ellen said. "Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him." Since Robert's death in 2003, Ellen fell on hard financial times - filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy in 2010 and last October the home that she and Robert shared in Indian Wells, Calif. was sold after going into foreclosure. WELL, WITH THE MONEY SHE GETS FOR SHARING THE TRUTH AND MAKING US ALL RE-EXAMINE OUR WORLD VIEW AND LIFE PHILOSOPHIES, SHE'LL BE ABLE TO PAY THE RENT FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS  But in a final bombshell, Ellen claims Robert told her that he and Kris weren't even sleeping together at the time Khloe was conceived. "[But] he never would have considered a DNA test," Ellen concluded. "He loved her very much. SO, HE'D PROBABLY BE SUPER-THRILLED THAT YOUR SHARING THESE SECRETS ABOUT THE CHILD HE LOVED SO VERY MUCH. I BET HE'S SMILING DOWN UPON YOU."

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Watch Russell Brand take off his wedding ring!

That was a misleading headline. Although, technically, he does take off this wedding ring and puts it in a safe place in this sleazy ad for a tour of some US colleges. The video is apparently from November. Via The Daily Mail.

Unreliable report: Katy Perry and Russell Brand's marriage in trouble

Least surprising tabloid story ever. It's kinda amazing they've made to to a year, really.

Us has this: "It was Christmastime fireworks for Katy Perry and Russell Brand this year - but not the good kind! After planning to whisk her family via private jet to husband Brand's London hometown for the holidays, Perry, 27, changed course, opting to fly to Hawaii with friends. "They had a massive fight," an insider tells Us Weekly. "She was like, 'F--k you. I'm going to do my own thing.' Russell replied, 'Fine, f--k you too.'" WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN WHEN TWO SUCH ELOQUENT BEINGS CANNOT FIGURE IT OUT? WHAT HOPE DO THE REST OF US HAVE? Which explains why, come Dec. 25, the multi-platinum singer was snapped splashing in the Pacific Ocean off Kauai - sans wedding ring. NOT THAT IT MATTERS, BUT IF I OWNED ANY JEWELRY THAT HAD ANY VALUE WHATSOEVER, I WOULDN'T WEAR IT IN THE OCEAN EITHER. Meanwhile, British comic Brand, 36, was catching up with a pal in a pub in chilly Coverack, Cornwall. Though the pair denied divorce rumors in November, sources say trouble is brewing. "They haven't split up just yet, but things are not good," says the first source. "The fighting is getting worse." At issue? Among other things, explains another source: "Katy doesn't think Russell respects her parents' Christian beliefs or her friends."  PROBABLY NOT SOMETHING THAT SHOULD COME AS A SURPRISE TO EITHER OF THEM. BUT, PERHAPS, ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU'RE WILLING TO OVERLOOK DURING THE FIRST DELICIOUS MONTHS OF LUVVVV. JUST LIKE YOU'RE PRETENDING NOT TO HEAR THAT WEIRD NOISE HIS JAW MAKES WHEN HE CHEWS. FOR EXAMPLE So will the couple - who wed in October 2010 after a whirlwind courtship - make it through 2012? Says the first source, "The split may come soon, but they are both so dramatic and volatile, the relationship could become great again AKA THEY'LL HAVE SOME GREAT MAKE-UP SEX AND BE ABLE TO STAND EACH OTHER FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS MORE."

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Sinead O'Connor's marriage over after 18 days ...

... Kim Kardashian finally feels better about herself.

People has this: "Eighteen days after her Dec. 8 Las Vegas wedding to boyfriend Barry Herridge, Sinead O'Connor is ending the marriage, the "Nothing Compares 2 U" singer announced Monday on her website. "Dear friends," O'Connor 45, writes, "I had for reasons u will all understand, wished to keep this private but have been told today it is to be leaked in the next few days despite my best efforts. So I must now leak it myself so as the record is straight." She blames pressures placed upon him by "certain people in his life" not to be with her based on press reports about her. "Within 3 hours of the ceremony being over the marriage was kyboshed by the behaviour of certain people in my husband's life. And also by a bit of a wild ride i took us on looking for a bit of a smoke of weed for me wedding night as I don't drink," she writes. "My husband was enormously wounded and very badly effected by that experience and also by the attitude of those close to him toward our marriage. It became apparent to me that if he were to stay with me he would be losing too much to bear." She adds, "A woman wants to be a joy to her husband. So.. U love someone? Set them free." She also says, "He is a wonderful man. I love him very much. I'm sorry I'm not a more regular woman. I truly believe though it is painful to admit, we made a mistake rushing into getting married, for altruistic reasons, and weren't aware or prepared for the consequences on my husband's life and the lives of those close to him. He has been terribly unhappy and I have therefore ended the marriage. I think he is too nice to do so. And too nice to trap." O'Connor, who has four children from her previous relationships, wed music producer John Reynolds in 1989 and journalist Nicholas Sommerlad in 2001. This past April, she split from longtime friend and collaborator Steve Cooney."

Sleep with Derek Jeter, receive a gift basket (allegedly)

That's so nice. A real gentleman, who makes sure that last night's love biscuit gets a little something-something to remember him by/sell immediately on eBay.

Us has this: "Derek Jeter's hookups leave with swag, not shame! According to the New York Post, the New York Yankees captain sends his one-night stands away with gift baskets of autographed memorabilia. "Derek has girls stay with him at his apartment in New York, and then he gets them a car to take them home the next day," a source tells the paper. "Waiting in his car is a gift basket containing signed Jeter memorabilia, usually a signed baseball." Jeter, who split from Charlie's Angels star Minka Kelly this summer, famously keeps his private life out of the spotlight. "He normally doesn't go out with girls. He will have them come to his house," a source tells the New York Post. "He'll have cocktail parties. His friends invite girls they think he'll be interested in. He's very shy." The 37-year-old shortstop sneaks his lady friends "through the back-door entrance ion the Trump World Tower to avoid the paparazzi," says the source.  A Jeter-autographed baseball sells for hundreds - sometimes even thousands - of dollars."

Tabloid cover: Will and Jada Smith are totally over

... but still not over all the money they're going to have to divide up. If this plays out like the last time we heard they were divorcing, we'll be seeing a carefully orchestrated photo-op involving hand-holding and strained smiles before the day is over.

I can't wait to read about the "what they've been hiding for years." My bet is that it's either a pirate treasure or an iron-clad contract forbidding either of them to ever say anything about what they've been hiding for years.

And now a message from Kim Kardashian's spokeperson

I took a little tiny break from the Kardashian idiocy craziness vapidity stupidness thing, but now I learn that Kim is upset and I can't ignore that. People has this heart-wrenching story:

"Kris Humphries's filing for an annulment has shaken up Kim Kardashian, even though she had considered doing the same thing, a source tells People. THAT'S JUST LIKE THE TIME WHEN PARIS HILTON WORE A HAT AND KIM WAS ALL LIKE, 'THAT SUCKS YOU SKANK' EVEN THOUGH KIM HAD BEEN PLANNING TO WEAR A HAT THE NEXT DAY "The filing is, of course, upsetting," says the source, who is close to the reality starlet. "She respects Kris and just wants them both to find peace and move on. ... Kim doesn't want a battle." WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE MAMA KARDASHIAN JUST COPYRIGHTED THE PHRASES, 'WEAPONS OF MASS-KARSTRUCTION,' ULTIMATE FIGHTING: KARTAGON' AND 'BATTLESTAR KARLACTICA The NBA player went to court Wednesday with a request to annul their 72-day marriage on the grounds of fraud. If granted, it would be legally tantamount to the elaborate, filmed-for-TV wedding having never taken place. AND, THUS, THE ERA OF TIME TRAVEL WILL BE INAUGURATED. NOT THROUGH SCIENCE, BUT THROUGH REALITY TV. IT'S A PROUD MOMENT FOR HUMANITY Kardashian originally had looked into filing an annulment, says the source, but opted instead for a divorce petition because she was told it would be too difficult to prove the grounds for an annulment in court. "Kim is sad how things ended up," says the source. "The split was a devastating decision from the beginning."

As usual the Taiwanese animators have it all figured out: