Tabloid says Kris Humphries is gay

Just when you thought there was no more juice to be squeezed from the Kardashians, Star outdoes itself with this new cover story. A cover story, I may add, that I haven't read. But it appears that the proof of his gayness (and thus the proof that he is the one who broke up the marriage) is the fact that he wouldn't touch Kim once the honeymoon was over. Well, it's possible that he's gay, but isn't it more plausible that he just paid attention in Mommy Kris' How to only do Stuff when the Cameras are Rolling class?

He's also, apparently, planning to destroy the Kardashians, which, granted, is a very noble quest, but perhaps too much for one person to take on.

For the earlier Kardashian update, just scroll down.

Worst kissers ever

TLC, which just gets worse and worse, has a new show called Virgin Diaries featuring people who have never seen each other's underpants areas before getting married. They've also never kissed. Which would explain this mess:

They're wedding night is sure to be as magical as this:

Kris Humphries has no plans to sue Kim Kardashian

Oh, you spoil sport, you. It would have been ever so entertaining. Also, this means that this Life & Style cover story is all kinds of made up. I don't know who to trust any more.

TMZ has this: "Kris Humphries has no plans to sue his estranged wife Kim Kardashian over upcoming episodes of "Kourtney & Kim Take New York" ... sources close to Kris tell TMZ. A report surfaced this week saying Kris was planning on filing a $10 million lawsuit against Kim because of how he expects to be portrayed on the show and because he has a larger role in it than originally planned. But sources close to Kris tell us he has absolutely no plans to sue Kim and he still loves her. We're told their relationship right now is "cordial." According to our sources, Kris is worried that the show will make him look worse than he really is ... but he understands he has no control of it."

AND HERE THEY ARE IN FAKER HAPPIER TIMES:

Unreliable report: It was all Kris Humpries' fault

Kris Jenner obviously has some incriminating pictures of every employee at Us Weekly. That's the only possible explanation for this story:

"Kim Kardashian has been raked over the coals in the court of public opinion ever since she filed for divorce from Kris Humphries Oct. 31. But the real villain in the 72-day marriage, pals tell the new Us Weekly, was out-of-work NBA star Humphries, 26. LAZY, EVIL LAY-ABOUT. After lavishly tying the knot Aug. 20, Kardashian's hubby soaked up the perks PERK-GRUBBING DOUCHE SATCHEL of being married to one of the most successful reality stars ever - staying out late at clubs in NYC and L.A., and demanding free bottle service FREE-LOADING DRUNKARD and more wherever he went. Even worse? He could be downright cruel to Kardashian, 31. "He belittled her in front of people," one insider tells Us. "He'd call her stupid. It was truly sickening." NAUSEATING, SOUL-SUCKING BULLY GOAT The source adds that Humphries resented his wife's fame and fortune. JEALOUS, PETTY ENVY-PEDDLER "He tried to control Kim by bringing her down...He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn't last." MEAN-SPIRITED, TRUTH-TELLING ORACLE MAN. He even took exception to her world-famous posterior, calling her "fat ass," the source says. And when Kardashian (who rarely drinks and tends to go to bed early) asked her man to skip the nights out in favor of quality time, "He would tell her she was acting like too much of a wife and 'get over it,'" another insider says."

Picking over the bones of the Ashton/Demi marriage

Excellent. U.S. Thanksgiving means that the tabloids are out early and People has this cover story. Interestingly enough, People here employs the same un-named sources and "friends" that Star and Us and In Touch and Life & Style usually consult. Perhaps, Ashton and Demi crossed the magazine in some terrible way. I am also very excited about the cover line, which makes it sound like a story about the end of the Third Reich with Demi in the role of Albert Speer and Ashton as Leni Riefenstahl.

 "It was an unlikely romance from the start – and in the end, the six-year marriage of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore fell apart because of issues that had long fueled skepticism about their relationship: their famous 15-year age difference, his wandering eye, her insecurities. As a result, the marriage "[had] been deteriorating for a long time," a friend of Kutcher, 33, tells People in this week's cover story. "Ashton was ready to end it, [but] he wanted to wait for Demi to actually do it. He loved her but couldn't live with her. " Moore, 49, "really wanted to save the marriage but couldn't deal with the pain of his cheating," adds the friend. "They were fed up with each other," a second source tells People. Several friends note that the age gap between the former power couple – who are worth an estimated $290 million – caused Moore to doubt herself. "If anyone was uncomfortable with the age difference, it was Demi, not Ashton," says a Kutcher pal. "She drove him crazy after a while with questions and doubts. WOMEN. NO MATTER WHAT OR HOW, IT'S ALWAYS THEIR FAULT."

Not to be outdone, Us has this: "Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher aren't done talking. Following Moore's stunning Thursday announcement that she and Kutcher will end their six-year marriage, the pair reunited at the Beverly Hills home of a pal over the weekend, a source confirms to Us Weekly. Moore, 49, and Kutcher, 33, had been visiting the residence recently for counseling, explains the insider, adding, "it's affiliated with Kabbalah, and some of the people who go there refer to it as the 'Kabbalah House.' "The Margin Call actress and Two and a Half Men star arrived separately, but after about an hour inside the house, they were spotted leaving together, entering separate cars. "They seemed very somber," the source says. WEIRD. USUALLY WHEN PEOPLE SPLIT UP AND GO FOR LAST-DITCH COUNSELLING/TWO HOURS OF WEEPING, THEY SEEM HAPPY AND UP-BEAT WHEN THEY LEAVE. Despite Moore's long face, friends tell the new Us Weekly, that her spirits have been lifted since deciding to leave Kutcher, who cheated on her with Sara Leal, 22, on their sixth wedding anniversary back in September. "When I saw her in early November, she was confident," the source says. "She said she'd gotten to a self-loathing and vain place, but it was going to change."

Unreliable update on Ashton and Demi

I have no idea what The Enquirer's story is going to say, but I'm willing to bet a basillion dollars that, contrary to this week's cover, Demi did not try to harm herself.

Unfortunately, the story isn't posted and won't be published here until tomorrow, so here are a  couple of fake excerpts:

... As Bruce Willis rushed to Demi's side, he said some catch-phrasey thing to Ashton, who had already packed his ironic trucker hats and special hair grease and called a cab ...

...  "I hate you, Ashton" Demi yelled, as two pals, an insider and a family friend looked on. Swigging a bottle of cheap vodka, she promised revenge ...

... The producers of Two and a Half Men are desperate to get Charlie Sheen back. "At least," an industry insider says, "he didn't cause Demi Moore to visit random churches for help. Good, old Charlie. Those were the happy days. Now we have to deal with this joker" ...

So, what's up with Ashton and Demi this morning?

In an exciting deviation from the usual "hot party-girl in hot tub" narrative, OK! has this fascinating tale of a completely sane an not-in-the-least unhinged individual who doesn't have a bone to pick with Madonna and who doesn't ramble on about unrelated matters:

"With so much attention on Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher and whether or not she’s going to file for divorce, a new story has emerged which is questioning if they are really married in the first place. One report indicates that a lawsuit was filed earlier this year and alleges that their marriage isn’t legal! On March 29, Marc Aisen filed a lawsuit suing Ashton, Madonna and other Kabbalah members for racketeering and conspiracy to engage in a pattern of racketeering activity, as exclusively reported by RadarOnline. The lawsuit states: “Mr. Kutcher made a media circus out of his Kabbalah wedding to actress and hardcore Kabbalah cult member, Demi Moore, who is a longtime friend of the defendant Ms. Ciccone. As the ‘First Couple’ of organized Kabbalah, the ‘wedding’ presided over by defendant and alleged fraudster, Yehuda Berg — which I am pointing out again was not a private family affair, as all parties used it as a publicity stunt and invited media attention — was not a legal union, nor is the marriage according to California law.” The statement continued, “Nor is the myth that there is such a thing as a traditional Kabbalah wedding as I can’t seem to find evidence in any book that such a ceremony was ever performed in history. It was a way to put a glamorous face on the weird witches which is antisocial in their every manifestation.” Marc does not follow the Kabbalah practice but he began investigating after he supposedly designed a talisman necklace for the Material Girl that was valued at $500. “There was one caveat to my generosity which was that I stipulated that Ms. Ciccone was to model the necklace in public and give me credit for designing it,” he added. Marc said Madonna was photographed wearing the necklace but did not give him credit for it, thus spawning his research on the Kabbalah Center. The lawsuit states, “What I found, I did not like. I learned the Kabbalah Centre is actually a militant and fanatical cult behind which is a racketeering conspiracy.”

While you were sleeping

... brought to you by Laura Vandervoort getting all lizzardy for PETA.

Someone's stalking Selena Gomez TMZ: "Justin Bieber's girlfriend Selena Gomez has received a death threat that is so serious ... the LAPD's Threat Management Unit is on the case, and Selena has obtained a restraining order ... this according to court documents. 46-year-old Thomas Brodnicki - a man with a criminal history of stalking - allegedly told his shrink he was going to kill Selena. According to the declarations of Selena and her lawyer, Blair Berk ... Brodnicki told the shrink he traveled from Chicago to L.A. to meet her, visited her workplace at least 3 times and has told people he had conversations with God about killing her.  Selena says she is in "extreme fear," believing he will carry out his death threat against her if he isn't stopped. Selena and her lawyer claim Brodnicki was picked up for mental evaluation last month after he allegedly threatened to "scratch people's eyes out on the street." Brodnicki allegedly made the threats against Gomez during his mental evaluation. According to court docs, LAPD detectives are taking the threats "extremely seriously" because of Brodnicki's history of mental illness and making criminal threats."

So, you're not going to watch Thelma & Louise tonight, then? "The largest Catholic civil rights organization in the United States is lashing out at Susan Sarandon for referring to Pope Benedict as a "Nazi" this weekend - calling the comment, "positively obscene." TMZ spoke with Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League, who told us, "Susan Sarandon's quip about Pope Benedict XVI being a 'Nazi' bespeaks unparalleled ignorance." Donohue adds, "Joseph Ratzinger (the pope) was conscripted into the Nazi Youth the way every other 14-year-old German boy was at the time. Unlike most others, he not only refused to go to the compulsory meetings -- he actually deserted the Hitler Youth! Which is precisely why Jews today regard him as a friend, not as an enemy." "In short, what Sarandon said is positively obscene."

I wouldn't brag about that being my real story Deadline: "The Hangover Part II is beginning to seem like a litigation magnet. The latest lawsuit was filed last week in federal court in Los Angeles according to Entertainment Weekly. It alleges that filmmakers mimicked a script that aspiring scribe Michael Alan Rubin based on his own marital misadventures in Asia. Plaintiff Rubin claims The Hangover II “is copied from the treatment … and also from the real life incident of the Plaintiff, because the protagonist … travels from the United States to an Asian country to marry his Asian girlfriend.” How did they get his script, you might wonder? Rubin claims his ex-wife gave the filmmakers his story, and furthermore accuses them of defaming him with descriptions of Ed Helms’ character’s drug-fueled antics including sex with a transsexual prostitute. Rubin is representing himself. A previous lawsuit filed by the tattoo artist who designed the ink adorning Mike Tyson was settled, and another filed by a stunt man injured during the making of the film is pending."

Wedding "postponed" "Karina Smirnoff and baseballer beau Brad Penny have called a time out on wedding planning. Nearly a year after announcing their engagement, "the wedding has been postponed," a source close to the Dancing with the Stars pro, 33, tells Us Weekly. "They are still together, but have conflicting schedules," explains the source. Smirnoff and the Detroit Tigers player, 33, went public with their romance in 2009, after she and fellow DWTS pro Maksim Chmerkovskiy called it quits. "I believe a wedding is a celebration of a future together," Smirnoff mused to Us shortly after announcing her news. "It doesn't matter how it's going to be. Whatever we decide it'll be great." For now however, the couple "want to spend more time with one another," the source explains. "Especially while planning their wedding."

Wedding "magical" People: "It may not have been Twilight themed, but Nikki Reed says her wedding to Paul McDonald was pure enchantment. The couple, who tied the knot on Sunday, took to Twitter to share their big news. "Yesterday was the most amazing day of my life ... everything was perfect," McDonald, 26, Tweeted on Monday. "I'm officially a MARRIED MAN! Woohoo!" Reed, 23, echoed her new husband's sentiment, Tweeting, "Yesterday was the most magical day of my life..." The couple exchanged vows at a private ranch in Malibu in front of 100 guests. The Twilight actress and the American Idol contestant met in March at the Red Riding Hood premiere and became engaged in June."

Scarlett Johansson is so over Sean Penn

It seems that Scarlett's interest in angry old-man sexytime and lectures on the politics of Haiti was less than she initially thought.

People has this: "Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are no longer dating, a source tells People. Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life. She has been working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2. Johansson, 26, and Penn, 50, made headlines when they took a whirlwind trip to Cabo San Lucas after being spotted getting flirty together during a lunch date in Los Angeles. The pair attended a White House Correspondents' Dinner party in Washington D.C. in April and had been spotted in a series of cozy outings in L.A. The reason for the split wasn't immediately known. Reps declined to comment."

Brought to you by the letter ewwww

The National Enquirer has this charming story of sweet love and age-inappropriate PDAs.

"Getting more action in restaurants than many do in bedrooms, SEAN PENN and SCARLETT JOHANSSON are Hollywood’s Hottest Couple after kicking off a sizzling May-December romance that began when ScarJo, 26, was photographed putting her best foot forward – and into Sean’s 50-year-old lap – during a sexy LA lunch...then my spies spotted them canoodling relentlessly over dinner at swanky Madeo! Even though two pals were with them, the steamy duo groped, smooched and stroked – but when the meal ended, Sean suddenly wanted to change tables for dessert. Why? Said My SpyWitness: “They were at the best table in the house, but it’s smack in the center, and Sean was annoyed by lookey-loo diners sneaking peeks. There wasn’t an empty table to be had – but Sean sent a hostess to tell three girls in a corner booth that if they’d switch tables, he’d pay for dinner.” Giggling, the girls agreed! They trooped to Sean’s table as his party scrunched into the booth, which was a tight fit – but it didn’t cramp the lovers’ style. “Sean and Scarlett kissed and petted like their pals weren’t even there,” said my source. “When the evening ended and the lovebirds exited, a waiter handed the three girls a check holder – but there was no bill inside; just a note from Sean that read: ‘Thank you!’”

AP Photo/Markus Schreiber