IKEA Monkey a wild card in mayor’s race
With Mayor Rob Ford on the ropes and likely to get the hook, it’s time we had a serious discussion about his replacement.
We all know the city councillors who aspire to the throne – Vaughan, Carroll, Holyday, Mammoliti (ha!), even Brother Doug – but none are inspiring or captivating.
On that score, a figure has suddenly appeared that has captured the public's attention and is as qualified as the current chieftain or any of the pretenders.
I’m talking about the IKEA monkey, who has already charmed people around the world and would mark a new chapter in local politics.
That monkey didn’t show up for nothing. How else to explain the timing, other than to rescue us from the divisiveness and back-biting at city hall?
I believe it is a gift from on high to the people of Toronto, if only they can see the potential.
Here are 10 reasons why I support the IKEA monkey:
- Brings a fresh face to the race. Would be the second coming of the Tiny Perfect Mayor.
- Was described as screaming and agitated while visiting furniture store. Sounds like a mayor to me.
- Would provide neo-cons with a new candidate who really speaks their language.
- Could negotiate a sponsorship deal with IKEA and maybe sweeten the pot by threatening to go to Bad Boy. Adds cash to city bankroll. Not even Ford could do that.
- Looks kind of like Mel Lastman, and he got elected twice.
- Could take over zoo board, order that the elephants be kept and ride them in Pride Parade. Gay community would be thrilled.
- Ropes could be strung from council chamber ceiling, allowing mayor to swing from them while eating bananas. It would lend an air of seriousness to meetings.
- Mayor’s office could be reduced to a cage in city hall rotunda, where visitors could watch His Worship fiddle at work. Would cut costs and free up space on second floor.
- Less likely to get in trouble if he started a foundation and solicited money.
- More likely to get co-operation from councillors. Would be operating with his own kind.
I’d start a committee right now to run him for mayor, but the shadowy people who operate behind the scenes at city hall and are responsible for a lot of monkey business are way likely ahead of me.