Gimme a big trade. A nasty suspension. A team on the move or falling into bankruptcy. Some real controversy.
Otherwise, what's passing for stories of significance in the NHL these days is putting everyone's feet to sleep.
First, there was this stormy debate over the schedule, an "issue" that now appears to be petering out with no major chances on the way.
But this business of new uniforms really takes the cake.
It's a merchandising venture disguised as physics, an attempt by a major sports clothing outfit to make every current NHL jersey obsolete by next season and to make every minor hockey team in North American believe they have to have these new outfits so their players can skate faster.
What a load.
But hockey people believe anything. Dave Dryden did a study several years ago that proved composite sticks don't allow players to shoot the puck any harder than wood sticks, but people believe they do and are buying 'em up in huge numbers.
When it comes to jerseys, first the NHL should explain what happened to the plan to force goaltenders to wear much tighter sweaters and thus reduce their size in the net.
It was supposed to happen for last season, then got delayed and delayed, apparently because the uniform manufacturers couldn't match the dye color on every team's uniforms.
See, these new jerseys to be unveiled next week in Dallas won't make the slightest impact on the game.
But make the goalies a little smaller, and now you're on to something.
This is all typical NHL, focusing on schedules and laundry rather than the real issues that continue to dog the league.
Attendance, for starters. The low quality of many local TV game broadcasts. Quality of play, still hindered by the fact there are too many teams. An unnecessarily long schedule and playoffs that end in June. Declining offensive numbers. The future of the World Cup and Olympic participation. The pointless presence of fighting. Declining media coverage, particularly in the United States. The absence of good teams in the biggest markets.
Not schedules and uniforms.
The league's New York office was undoubtedly thrilled, meanwhile, with the leadup to first weekend of NBC games and all the hype surrounding Brett Hull.
But Hull, ladies and gentleman, isn't going to be controversial in the slightest. For starters, he works for the Dallas Stars, so do you think he'll have anything critical or negative to say about Tom Hicks, Doug Armstrong, Marty Turco or Eric Lindros?
And if he rips the league, well presumably he'll be fined just as any other NHL exec would be fined.
So he won't touch the team he works for and can't touch the league.
How controversial and flamboyant can he possibly be?