CONQUEST CONQUERED

In a move that certainly will wreak havoc on many travellers' plans, Conquest Vacations today announced it has ceased business.

TheStar.com has the full story, but suffice to say the pain from this will be felt in many locations; from living rooms and board rooms to Pearson Airport and in publications who rely on Conquest advertising. Mostly, of course, you feel for the folks who've worked at a company that says it's been able to fight off gathering storms for 37 years.

The company has offices in Toronto and Vancouver and says it flew more than a million passengers last year to such destinations as the Caribbean, Mexico, Cuba, Mexico and Florida.

There have been obvious signs of pain in the travel industry, with cutbacks in Canada and around the globe. But nothing as significant as this.

Even if people get their money back from vacations they've booked, the move undoubtedly has caused hardship for folks currently on Conquest vacations or who had planned on them and now have to scramble for alternate arrangements.

But, mostly, you feel for loyal employees at what has to be a terrible time.

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GOODBYE VEGAS, HELLO DES MOINES

Talk about a lunchbag letdown. A story in USA Today says folks who planned the annual convention of the American Choral Directors Association had previously met in such cities as Miami, L.A. and New York. But this time, for their 50th anniversary, they chose their home base of Oklahoma City.

Organizers say they're saving 30 to 40 per cent, as rooms are being offered at a Marriott for $150. Can't say I blame them. And you wonder if that could have repercussions within Canada. You'd think it would be cheaper to book a convention in, say, London versus Toronto or Edmonton versus Vancouver.

Speaking of USA Today and Marriott (my, I just LOVE a good segueway), Marriott officials have said they'll stop giving out newspapers, including America's favourite, to guests as a matter of course. Folks can still ask for USA Today or the local paper (thank you) or the Wall Street Journal, but papers won't be automatically distributed to every guest. Good for the environment; not so good for newspaper readership numbers.

HEY, AMERICA - THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS FOR US

A report out of the U.S. of A says visitors from overseas, meaning not from Mexico or Canada, accounted forr 60 per cent of U.S. incoming travel in 2000. But it was down to 50 per cent last year.

Looked at from our northern perspective, that means Canadians and Mexicans went from 40 per cent of U.S. tourism eight years ago to 50 per cent last year. I didn't see a break down on Mexico versus Canada, but you'd think they'd be rolling out the red-and-white welcome mat for us Canucks, wouldn't ya?

I say we push for Canadian dollars at par for the entire U.S. - bars, hotels, restaurants, outlet malls, ballparks; you name it. It's the least they can do, right?

ASIA HOTEL BOOM

A CB Richard Ellis (CBRE) survey of five cities including Singapore, Hanoi, Bangkok, Ho Chi Minh City and Kuala Lumpur showed 23,000 four- and five-star hotel rooms could come on line from the end of this year to the end of 2012. And that's a lot.will be potentially available from 2009 until the end of 2012.

"The additional supply, combined with declining demand, will present a challenging period for hotels in the short to medium term," said Robert McIntosh, CBRE Hotels regional executive director.

Bangkok, of course, has its own issues to deal with these days.

GEE, WAS THAT STUFF BREAKABLE?

Coming back from Florida on the weekend and had to clamber out of a small Delta Connection plane and hop the bus to Terminal 3 at Pearson. As we waited to go, I looked out and saw some guys loading bags onto the plane for its next flight, and it was quite illuminating.

The fellow at the bottom of the conveyor belt was casually putting stuff onto the belt for the ride up to the belly of the plane, where another worker was loading them. But he didn't do a good job on centreing one of the small bags on the belt and it tumbled about six feet to the ground.

Another worker went over and picked it up, but instead of walking six feet to put it back properly, he tried to throw it onto the belt, which was a couple feet over his head. He didn't make it, but at least caught the bag. He then stood on something and placed the bag onto the belt instead of throwing it. But, again, it wasn't centred and it squibbed off the belt again and tumbled hard to the ground, this time from about 10 or 12 feet.

And you wonder how stuff in your suitcase gets busted.

CANADIAN GOLF RANKINGS

Golf Digest magazine has put together a list of the top 20 courses in Canada. Ontario took the top four honours and had ten of the 20 listings, which is pretty powerful stuff. But Alberta and Nova Scotia also did well, with three for each. British Columbia had two, Quebec had one and Saskatchewan had one.

Seems a little Ontario-heavy when you consider the courses in B.C., but that's just me. Here's the list, so debate away....

1. St. George's Golf & Country Club, Ontario

2. National Golf Club, Ontario

3. Hamilton G and CC, Ontario

4. Beacon Hall GC, Ontario

5. Capilano G &CC, B.C.

6. Highlands Links, Nova Scotia

7. Redtail GC, Ontario

8. Banff Springs, Alberta

9. Fox Harbour Resort, Nova Scotia

10. Devil's Paintbrush, Ontario

11. Royal Montreal (Blue course), Quebec

12. Magna GC, Ontario

13. Tobiano, B.C.

14. Rocky Crest, Ontario

15. Bigwin Island, Ontario

16. Glen Arbour (championship), Nova Scotia

17. Dakota Dunes Golf Links, Saskatchewan

18. Jasper Park Lodge, Alberta

19. Kananaskis Country (Mt. Lorette), Alberta

20. Muskoka Bay Club, Ontario

I've been lucky enough to play St. George's and Highlands Links, as well as Rocky Crest and Muskoka Bay. I've walked Hamilton during the Canadian Open but haven't played it.

I would've put Humber Valley in Newfoundland on the list but the development has sadly gone under.

 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A NIGHT MAKES

CHOKOLOSKEE, Fla. - One night you're staying in an indoor Disneyland-style place near Orlando, sleeping in a giant suite that overlooks a fake pond with fake frog noises and a fake fort under giant panes of glass, and the next you're in a one-room motel in a place where you have to dial zero to make a telephone call to nowhere. But that's what's fun about travel, right?

The last few nights I was at a Travel South showcase in Kissimmee, learning about
tourism in a dozen U.S. states that make up the south. The folks were great, and the Gaylord Palms Resort was top-notch, but the indoor gimmickry starts to wear on you after a while. The next day, that being Wednesday, I stayed at a motel at what's nearly the tail end of Florida, the Parkway Motel and Marina in Chokoloskee, which is about four miles south of Everglades City, which is about five or six miles south of the Tamiami Trail, which is several miles south of Alligator Alley, which most of you know is the deserted stretch of highway that links Miami and Naples. The room is basic but quite clean and there's wifi and TV and a fridge  and it's awfully quiet and still and it's a wonderful tonic after the fakery of Orlando.

I took a one-hour air boat ride on Lake Trafford near Immokalee Wednesday afternoon and got within, oh, two feet of a pair of five-foot long alligators that looked pretty frightening. But our guide, Bubba (no kidding), didn't bat an eyelash and we returned home safe and sound after a great 60 minutes of gliding over mud flats and through narrow channels in search of egrets and ibis and kites and eagles and, oh, maybe 150 gators. Pretty cool, actually.

WRAP OR RAP?

The local paper down here in Everlglades City is called, wait for it, The Mullet Rapper. I think they would mean Wrapper, but maybe there's a hip-hop angle I'm not aware of. Anyway, it's a great name. The front page has stories on the goings-on with Everglades National Park and also exclaims that the Shamrock Bank of Florida (not kidding, folks) now has a branch in Everglades City Hall.

NOT A TIKI BAR IN SIGHT

The air boat tour I went on was just outside of Immokalee, Florida, which is about as far from the glamour of South Beach as you can get. As I drove past some of the down-on-your-luck-looking homes and listen to your Sirius-XM radio in the rental car, the thought occured to me that it's really more suited to the E Street station featuring Bruce Springsteen's homages to middle America than it is to the Margaritaville station. Immokalee and Sebring and Avon Park and Lake Wales, Florida and
other cowboy towns in south-central Florida have much more in common with "Adam Raised a Cain" and "Youngstown" than they do with "Changes In Latitudes" or "Cheeseburger in Paradise." Driving down Highway 29 between Immokalee and Everglades City with "Thunder Road" or "The Promised Land" blaring out of your radio and your windows rolled down all the way is a nice way to spend part of a Wednesday afternoon in case you're ever in the neighborhood.

I recall covering the Blue Jays way back when and there was talk they wanted a better deal from Dunedin for spring training. As teams were wont to do to strengthen their bargaining positions with the towns
who already hosted them, the Jays - or someone - floated the idea of dumping Dunedin and getting a better package from Sebring, which is dead-centre central Florida and mid-way between Sarasota and Port Saint Lucie. In other words, nowhere. The funny thing is I remember Pat Borders, the Jays catcher of the time and a native of nearby Lake Wales who practically lived on chewing tobacco, saying that Sebring was really out in the sticks. We all thought, "Geez, if Borders say these guys are rednecks we can only imagine what it's like."

Actually, Sebring didn't look so bad when I drove through on Wednesday. And nearby Lake Placid looked quite pretty. But isolated? You bet.

 

SOUTHERN MAN

Well, they sure know how to take care of folks down here in the southern U.S.

Folks attending the Travel South Showcase were treated to a magnificent show by New Orleans chef Kevin Belton, a 6-9, 400-pound former football player who cracks with the wisest of them and cooks up a storm on stage.

Belton told attendees how they need to avoid margarine and stick with butter. "It keeps you smooth," he said.

"I didn't go to college, I went to LSU," he said with a laugh. "In our theory, the bad stuff can't grab you; it slides right through."

Belton said food should be appreciated and savoured.

"You put something in your moth, you need to be doing the Snoopy dance."

Belton made some praline drops but there were only about 30 for a crowd of some 375 people at breakfast the other day. He suggested folks just take a lick and pass it around. Somehow that didn't happen, so instead folks did a mock storming of the stage and made it first-come, first-devoured.

They also had a 10-person choir and a smouldering young singer, amongst other entertainment. The choir did a stunning job with "Battle Hymn of the Republic" and with "I'll Fly Away."

Wonderful and joyous.

MORE FOOD FIXIN'S

During the festivities here participants got to try sweet potato biscuits (yum), beignets, pecan tarts, grits and wine from both Virginia and North Carolina. I'm a bit of a wine snob but it was actually pretty good. The Biltmore Cabernet Sauvignon from Carolina was fuller bodied than I expected and had some nice fruit-forward flavour.

FUN WITH SLOGANS

 Alabama has embraced its inner Lynyrd Skynyrd, adopting the band's famous song and making Sweet Home Alabama their slogan.

Kentucky this week showed a video that used the official U.S. postal service abbreviation for the state and called the video "unbridledKYadventure." If that doesn't sound a little, ahem, odd to you I'm not gonna spell it out in a family newspaper blog.

DIDN'T KNOW THAT

Florida had a showcase party called "Been There, Didn't Know That" to tell folks about lots of "undiscovered" things about the Sunshine State. Learned that Panama City is building an international airport and that you can catch Australian barramundi in lakes in and around Kissimmee. Also didn't know Kissimmee has a huge annual rodeo called the Silver Spur Rodeo. They say it might be the biggest
east of the MIssissippi, although I don't know what kind of competition there is. The state also has a new golf website called golf.visitflorida.com.

SOUTHERN FACTS
This year's NFL Super Bowl was in Tampa. The 2010 version goes in Miami, which means Star columnist Dave Perkins gets to try Joe's Stone Crab for dinner ... Spotted at a Louisiana travel table was a great coobook: "Who's Your Mama, Are you Catholic and can you make a roux." Great title ... Did you know there's a magazine in the U.S. south called "Y'all?" How good is that? ... South Carolina has tons of food festivals, including a peanut festival, a chittlin' festival, a watermelon festival and an okra festival. There's also an annaul Octoberfest ... The first land battle of the U.S. Civil War was fought in what's now West Virginia. The first amputation of the war is said to have taken place there, too, a tourism official said .... Arkansas has a visitor's centre called Miss Laura's and it's said to be the only visitor centre in the U.S. that's on a site formerly occupied by a bordello ...The Great Smoky Mountains National Park is celebrating its 75th anniversary this year. It's the most visited national park in the U.S., partly because it's so close to major cities such as Washington and Atlanta. Although the entrance to the park is in Tennessee, North Carolina folks proudly point out that more of the park is in their state than is in Tennessee  ...Graceland in Memphis is the second most visited home in the U.S. after the White House. No idea what's third; maybe Hugh Hefner's place in L.A.? ... There's no shortage of U.S. states growing wine these days. Apparently there are wineries in not only Virginia and North Carolina but Tennessee and, gulp, Alabama ... Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter still teaches Sunday school every week (when he's around) in his home town of Plains, Georgia. I like that.

FLORIDA FIREWORKS

KISSIMMEE, Fla. - If you've never seen it, the nightly fireworks show at Disney's Epcot is something to behold.

It starts every night at 9 p.m. around the circular lake in the middle of the complex. At first, there are simply some nice rockets and such, but soon a giant globe emerges from over the land and starts moving out into the lake. It spins around in a slow circle with the outline of the world's land masses on it like a normal globe, but the fun part is they display movies on the continents. You see pictures of dogsleds, the legendary cave paintings of Spain, hot air balloons, the CN Tower (we thought), the Sphinx, the Queen, Babe Ruth, John F. Kennedy (it felt like watching the cover of Sgt. Pepper for a minute or so) and other famous figures and places as the globe spins slowly in glorious colour.

The buildings around the lake that are meant to mimic such sights as St. Mark's and the Eiffel Tower are nicely lit, and then comes a huge array of fireworks. They also send huge, billowing balls of gas flaming out into the lake, as if someone had dropped a bomb onto an oil tanker. It's not even remotely eco-friendly, but it's kind of awesome to see the flames and feel the heat as it leaps across the water.

Of course, this being Disney they have to ruin it by playing a sappy "We-Are-the-World-why-can't-we-all-just-get-along-let's-all-join-hands-and-live-in-peace" song at the end.

Still, it's pretty cool.

SOUTH SIDE STORY

I'm attending a meeting of a dozen U.S. states from the south to try to learn a little more about their tourist destinations and all. They had some pretty solid entertainment on day one, including a medley of songs honoring all 12 states with music. For all your music fans out there, here's the list:

- Sweet Home Alabama
- Georgia on My Mind
- Country Roads (the John Denver song about West Virginia)
- Kentucky Woman
- Louisiana Man
- Oh, Virginia
- Suwanee River (Florida)
- Arkansas, Land of Opportunity (don't quote us on that one; we'd never heard it before)
- Carolina Girls (for North and South Carolina)
- The Tennessee Waltz
- Mississippi Queen

KINDA LIKE THE FIFTH MAJOR

The folks who run the annual Players Championship golf tourney like to call it the "fifth major" on the golf schedule, the real four major tournaments being the British Open, the U.S. Open, the PGA championship and the Masters, which starts play Thursday, April 9.
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They're not calling it the sixth great lake or anything, but just as the Players feels it belongs with the big boys, so do folks who live around Lake St. Clair feel they deserve a little more credit.

A news item came over the wire the other day explaining that folks feel the charms of the lake, which connects Lake Huron to the Detroit River and Lake Erie, aren't appreciated because it's big brothers are so much larger.

Tourism officials in Michigan are launching a PR campaign to try to get more attention.

“Arguably, in southeast Michigan, Lake St. Clair is the biggest economic asset. And none of us — no one in the business community is doing a very good job of promoting it,” said Eric Foster, general partner of Belle Maer Harbor in Harrison Township.

The 42-kilometre by 39-kilometre lake northeast of Detroit and Windsor has about 1,114 square kilometres of surface area. Plans call for publicizing the lake’s activities beyond the better-known boating, fishing and swimming. A website and other publicity this summer will spotlight nature reserves, bike trails, kayaking, waterfront dining and night life.

Organizers say many county residents don’t realize Lake St. Clair offers some of the best muskie and smallmouth bass fishing in the world.

LAND OF THE MOUSE

KISSIMMEE, Fla. - I knew this was the land of Disney. But I didn't really understand that the Gaylord Palms Resort had bought into the whole Disney concept.

This is a fine hotel and I have the room that's triple the size of some downtown condos. But I don't get the massive, and I do mean "massive" atrium. They have glass roofs here the size of the Rogers Centre (nearly), with fountains and restaurants where you can dine al fresco (but not really as you're in a controlled environment that only feels like outside) and a fake fort and a bar that sits on a sailing ship that's actually anchored in an indoor pond. There's also a gator pond (sigh) and every flower you can imagine; potted daffodils and tulips alongside Himalayan palms, verbena and purple orchids. There are several waterfalls cascading over fake piles of rock, plus piped-in sounds of frogs and maybe even birds, all inside three atriums that carry the names Everglades, St. Augustine and Key West.

My room overlooks both Key West and St. Augustine, which is a neat geographic trick. And you can eat at the Old Hickory Steakhouse or at Villa da Flora or the Asian-inspired Sora, then "get down" at Auggie's Jammin' Piano Bar. It reminds me of a giant cruise ship, except it doesn't move.

It's one-third amazing, one-third overwhelming and one-third revolting to have all this fakery amidst a pretty good year-round climate.It might, repeat, might, make sense in Niagara Falls. But the weather here is terrific 320 days a year; why is everything in a controlled environment?

But there's a great kid's pool with fountains and a nice adults pool with beautiful palm trees and rioutous pink oleander bushes. And there appear to be a couple places where you can actually drink your morning coffee outside, and not under the protection of the atrium. Just don't tell anyone.

THERE BE TREASURE HERE

There's a huge contingent of folks here for this week's Travel South conference, which highlights the southern U.S. states. Fine people; very kind. They put on a nice spread by the adults pool on Saturday night, with fine plates of shrimp and salads and mini cheeseburgers (in paradise). They also had a wandering pirate, two girls with big sashes that said "Miss Cypress Gardens" (was there a tie or were they from different years; I'll never know) and a couple young women dressed as mermaids. They say you get used to the giant fish tail, but it looked pretty awkward to me.

They served up some fine "pink flamingo martinis" at the welcome party. But they ruined it, at least for some of us, when they trotted out a skinny, three-foot long alliggator with its mouth taped shut and let people have their pictures taken with it. Isn't it enough we've destroyed the natural environment? Now we have take these poor animals and subject them to being held by journalists from Canada and tour operators from Little Rock or Charleston? It's not right.

OH, CANADA

As the Star's Fixer has pointed out, they've remade the Canada movie at Epcot after complaints it was badly outdated. I never saw the original, but the 14-minute one they have on display now is pretty good.

It begins with a blizzard and talk about polar bears and all that before Martin Short (who I've never liked but is pretty good here) comes on and sets the record straight by balancing the Moose and Mounties with shots of the Film Festival in Toronto and the skyscrapers of Calgary and the majesty of Montreal.

There also are shots of the Bay of Fundy, Niagara Falls, Butchart Gardens, Victoria, Vancouver, Newfoundland, the Prairies, the north and just about everything in between. There's also some good hockey hits, some snowboarding action, whitewater rafting, sailing, skating on the Rideau Canal and shots of moose and eagles and beavers and polar bears and all the other things tourists seem to love to see, all brought to you by young, attractive Disney workers in red and black plaid lumberjack shirts. The girl who did the intro identified herself as Heather from Gananoque, Ont.

I'm not sure, but it sounded like Short tells the audience that when you visit Victoria "you'd swear you're in England" and that Vancouver is "home to Canada's exciting film industry." If the latter is the case, I'm not sure what to make of the giant new filmport on the Toronto port lands. Buththose are fairly minor annoyances in what is, overall, not a bad representation of such a vast country in a mere 840 seconds.

Anway, when it was over, a middle-aged guy in the audience told me the show's much better than before.

"I've seen this one before," he said. "It inspired me to take a real extensive tour of Canada."

Then he paused.

"But I never did it."

CELEBS FAVE TRAVEL SPOTS - WHAT, NO IOWA?

James Taylor prefers to be in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Jerry Seinfeld likes to stay close to home and hang out in Central Park. And Natalie Portman prefers Jerusalem.

In a blatant ripoff of the Star travel section's "on the road" feature, in which we regular ask celebrities about their favourite travel spots (okay, not really, he's been doing it for years and we don't really mean it and we apologize if he's consulting a lawyer as we speak), author Jerry Camarillo Dunn Jr. and National Geographic have put together a book called My Favorite (sic) Place on Earth, which has all sorts of well-known folks divulging their optimal vacation spots.

It looks like it should prove interesting when it comes out on April 21. For now, you can at least peruse the list by going to his website and reading the basic information.

In addition to the above, we find out that Will Ferrell likes his summer cottage in Sweden (who knew?), that Josh Groban is big on South Africa and that Tom Brokaw likes Tibet. Also, both Brian Wilson and Carrie Fisher love London and that golf architect Robert Trent Jones Jr. lists his favourite spot as the Moscow Country Club, and raise your hand if that was your guess.

Shockingly, nobody seems to have listed Omaha or Mississauga (just kidding, Hazel).

TOUGH MEDICINE FOR AIR CANADA?

Wow, anyone check out the advice doled out to Canada's biggest airline on Thursday by Jacques Kavafian of Research Capital Corp.? Yikes.

In an interview with the Star's Chris Sorensen, Kavafian said AC needs to slash its routes BY MORE THAN HALF and get rid of 6,000 workers in order to save the $2 billion it needs to keep going.

"Air Canada must make a decision as to what it wants to be: a profitable company or an airline that will fly everywhere. It cannot be both,'' he wrote in a report.

LIkely results: dumping Jazz, getting rid of some 155 of Air Canada's 334 jets, cutting Canadian routes by 57 per cent and U.S. routes by 53 per cent.

Wow. Other than that I guess it would be business as usual.

FAIRMONT ON THE MOVE

Mike Taylor at Fairmont tells me the Fairmont Pacific Rim in downtown Vancouver should be open by January of next year; just in time for the Olympics. And a welcome addition it will be. Some 80 per cent of rooms in downtown Vancouver have been booked by Olympic organizers, and folks who plan to travel are having to check out hostels and B and B's.

Taylor also says Fairmont is adding properties in Mecca, Cairo and Pittsburgh, among other places. They'll be re-opening the legendary Savoy in London in late summer or early fall, as well.

JUST A LITTLE BIKE RIDE

Okay, I'm far from being in good shape. But this strikes me as more than a little wacky.

A check of forbestraveller.com today shows a list of 10 great bike trails in the United States. First on the list was the "Underground Railroad Trail," which snakes 2,028 miles from Mobile, Ala. to Owen Sound, Ontario. That's more than 3,000 kilometres, folks.

The story quotes a chap from the Adventure Cycling Association as saying that folks "truly get the feeling for the history of race relations in North American along this route."

Yeah, what they truly get is the feeling of UTTER EXHAUSTION on this route!

Okay, maybe you don't have to pedal the entire 3,000 clicks. But that's still one hellluva bike trail.

For the record, also making the Forbes list were a Green Mountains trail in Vermont and a loop around Central Park in New York, which is more in line with your average recreational cyclist.

RAPTOR KICKS CARLTON BEAR BUTT

Travelzoo came out with a list of top awards (the Tzoo's) on Thursday. In addition to some good Canadian content (see below), they gave out a citation to the National Basketball Association for "best overall provider of show and event deals."

Anyone who goes to basketball games in Toronto, as I have for, oh, about 12 years, can attest to the entertainment value. The Raptor is hands-down one of the best mascots in the business and still going strong.

Which brings us to the sad, sad case of Carlton the Bear; the dopey mascot for the inept Toronto Maple Leafs. Granted, the ice surface isn't available to him during stoppages in play the way the basketball court is open to the Raptor throughout the game. But come on, Carlton, show some life. Brian Burke is showing no patience with lacklustre players; it's time someone in management got on the mascot and demanded similar improvement. Right?

VAN GOGH MUSEUM? WE'RE ALL EARS

The city of Amsterdam today launched what are called "welcome teams," folks who will guide visitors and give out public transportation info between now and Nov. 2.

The city of Amsterdam officially launched “Welcome-teams” on April 2, 2009, teams giving an extra welcome to the visitors of Amsterdam. The teams will guide visitors and provide information on public transport during the tourist season.

"Especially in times of economic turmoil our city should excel in the field of hospitality," says Mr. Oswald Schwirtz, Chairman of the “Amsterdam Alliantie” and the Amsterdam Chamber of Commerce. “Attention to hospitality gives great results."

The Welcome-teams will be found at busy locations throughout the city.

 

IS THAT AN ELEPHANT IN YOUR PANTS?

The Telegraph in the U.K. put together an absolutely classic list of dumb complaints (are there any other kind?). And it's absolutely fabulous reading.

The list starts off with a doozy; a guy who went on his honeymoon to Africa and spotted an elephant in full erectile glory. Apparently he complained to his travel agent that the size of the animal's, ahem, instrument made him feel inadequate. It's not clear if he wanted his money back or just a discount for his next purchase of Cialis.

Another favourite was a woman who said topless sunbathing should be banned because she went to a beach with her husband and he "spent all day looking at other women."

Also, the rubes (from somewhere where stupidity is especially invasive) who bought a pair of $9 "Ray-Ban" sunglasses from some guy on a street and then discovered - oh, the shock - that they WERE NOT AUTHENTIC RAY-BANS!!!!!!!!

Of course, there were a few good ones about people going to foreign countries who found them to simply be, well, not as much like home as they would've liked. (This brings to mind the great Monty Python travel agent skit where the British tourists go south and insist on Watney's Red Barrel and get offended by fat Germans in tiny bathing suits, but we digress). One person told their travel agent that "there are too many Spanish people" in the country they went to. "The receptionist is Spanish," they wrote. "The food is Spanish. There are too many foreigners."

Finally, my personal favourite complaint: "It took nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours." Yeah, that damned Atlantic Ocean will get you every time.

BATTER UP

It's almost baseball season. Check out Star Travel on Saturday for a great piece from Muhammad Lilla on the Louisville Slugger museum in, well, Louisville, Kentucky.

There are new ballparks for both New York teams this year, so baseball enthusiasts can put those down on their itineraries. And don't forget the old reliables like Wrigley Field in Chicago and Fenway Park in Boston; both awesome places to catch a ballgame.