PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE SAFETY DEMONSTRATION
... For takeoff and landing your tray tables should be folded away, your la-z-boys should be in the most uncomfortable upright position with your armrests down, your seat belts should be fastened around those goor-geous hips.
There might be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only eight ways to leave this aircraft. Your attendant will do the Macarana now: there are two doors in the front, four over the wing exits and two in the back. Please take the time to check for the nearest exit, bearing in mind who might be behind you, in front of you or on top of you at that time.
In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen will be provided, and intravenous alcohol. (rippling laughter)
Oxygen masks will fall down from above (ed. Note: this bit translated from South African English accent by dumb Canadian) - stop screaming! - lower the mask toward you ... please adjust the masks of children and those acting like children. ital. (laughter)
In the unlikely event of a water landing your life jackets are stowed under your seats. On the instructions of the crew pull it over your head, fasten the straps tightly around your waist, and you might survive this landing. Pull down on the red thingies to inflate your jacket, and do this only when you're ready to do it - jump and do the backstroke. ital. (guffaws)
Please note this is a non-whining, non-complaining, non-smoking flight. The toilets are monitored with smoke detectors and cameras for the captain's entertainment. ital. (laughter)
We thank you for your attention and invite you to sit back, relax and enjoy your flight.