Ranking the celebrities
That is, the ones not playing.
1. BILL CLINTON - USA's rooter-in-chief. Always keen to take on another charitable endeavour, Clinton came here to watch the American team jobbed again and again by referees. And, apparently, to drink beer. Didn't make any ridiculous pronouncements, or get scooped up on drug charges. Nor did he aim personal attacks at any of the nations playing the U.S.
On the other hand, he couldn't get the rest of the American pop entourage banned from the thing.
2. SHAKIRA - That song has grown on us like some sort of exotic fungus. The FIFA-branded video nearly brings us to tears every time we see it. We know it's wrong. But we can't stop.
3. KIMORA LEE SIMMONS - "I am very sad 2 b leaving the gorgeous S.Africa! Thank u 2 all 4 ur luv and kindness! We'll b back very, very soon! Team Fabulosity SA rocks," she Tweeted.
No, we don't know who she is either. But apparently she says things like 'Team Fabulosity'. Whatever. Good enough for third spot. It's been a thin tournament.
4. MICK JAGGER - From now on, when they talk about players "swinging handbags," they will instead talk about players "swinging Mick Jagger." Also of note, the Jagger Jinx.
Since he doesn't have to bother playing in the semi, Uruguay's Luis Suarez is now tasked with diverting Mick Jagger at the gates to the Green Point Stadium, and asking him, "Tell me more about what's wrong with Keith?"
That should occupy him for several days.
5. PARIS HILTON - Where's the Netherlands? What's the Netherlands? What's the problem with the pot? They didn't hassle us at airport security. Where am I? A court? Finally. Something familiar.
Dead Last - LISA-MARIE KOHRS - According to her profile, America's Miss World contestant is majoring in journalism. Um, you probably shouldn't use the F-word when broadcasting. And it's a bad idea to be drunk. And it's a worse idea to run down Slovenia, first, because it's not true, and second, because they are people with loooooong memories.